Virgins in this day and age are quite the interesting creatures. Two types of virgins attempt to drown their misery in whatever fashion they can: there's the innocent, pink-cheeked crazy fucks who are, "Saving themselves for Jesus," and the poor bastards who have just yet to experience the utter joy that is being laid. Now-- I've always wondered what these people to do relieve themselves of their sexual frustrations.
I decided to start my investigation at Merrill College, better know to the UCSC community as "Sterile Merrill." I figured that I'd find a plethora of juicy virgins to satisfy my needs there.
Because physically moving is rather inconvenient, I decided to reward myself with a small meal at Tacos Morenos (the actual only legitimate reason for trekking up Cardiac Hill in the first place), which lead me to my first victim of the day. As I ordered my breakfast burrito, 'cause breakfast is always legit, I "bumped" into a resident of Merrill College and then started my investigation.
Our conversation, to the best of my recollection, went something like this:
"Hello, kind sir, and good day to you, I'm a member of the Fish Rap Live! Staff and I've got a few questions to ask, would you mind having a short conversation with me?"
He obliged, and we sat down at a nearby table.
"Sir, have you experienced the splendor that is sexual intercourse?"
I, of course, was actually that polite.
The Merrillite just stared at me with wide, blank eyes - I don't know if it was because I'd been so blunt (LOLWEED) or if it was the fact that my hand was ever creeping toward his genitalia (LOLDICKS), but he was quite startled.
His eyes sparkled, I think from terror, then he glanced my way for a split second, then almost inaudibly muttered a "Yes." He then stood up, and briskly walked away. I guess he was one of those "Saving myself for Jesus" types.
Anyway - besides the fact that the Merrillite was a-shakin' in his booties, I had picked up on the fact that he smelt like a dead wet dog, which I found rather peculiar, since he looked clean.
I strolled over to one of Merrill's dormitories and entered what I thought would be a rather normal place (it is Merrill after all.) My nose nearly exploded, and my poor abused nostrils begged me, on their knees (LOLBLOWJOBS) if they had them, to leave that foul-smelling world. I was subdued by my nose, and turned right the fuck around.
After wasting some time being completely lost around Merrill, I found myself at the housing office. I'd decided that the people in there might know why the hell the place smelt that bad.
They told me that they had no definite answer, but that recently the vacuums had been breaking down nearly every night. They had kept getting clogged, which caused them to blow circuits, and then, when pulled they'd leak a milky off-white substance, which conveniently left little race tracks of white goop around the dorm.
When I asked them if they had investigated, they told me that they were not paid to enter the land of a college dorm.
Their words may have also been, "Fuck that shit."
I decided that I needed to return to Porter to borrow a few "investigative tools" from a fellow Fish Rapper. I explained to him my predicament, and he promptly lent me his tools - Ganja, Smokey, and Chronic.
Mice equipped with video cameras are quite useful things.
I took my tools up that God-forsaken hill and let them loose.
I then proceeded to go back to Porter and do what we do best: smoke hella weed.
The next morning (2 PM), I rolled out of bed to view what my fabulous little detectives had found for me, and oh, the shock, the horror, and the luls, they were so intense.
Those little mice had discovered what the fuck was up with Merrill--
Dear readers of FRL!:
The virgins of Merrill College have been using the vacuums to relieve themselves of sexual frustrations.
The reason why the vacuums were clogged?
Some crazy fuck decided putting the vacuum on full power was a good idea, and now he doesn't have to "trim the forest" for a month.
The reason a milky off-white substance leaks from the vacuums?
Oh, I think you know.
(In case you're minorly retarded, it's jizz!)
Now, the reason why Merrill radiates a toxic stench?
Crazy virgins have been jacking off into vacuums, and then other residents, unaware of the situation, have been dragging jizz leaking vacuums around the entire dorm. And they can't clean it up because the vacuums don't work.
I suppose that this investigation has answered my original question of what do virgins do to get off, but it has only lead me to another, an all encompassing question to be asked for all eternity:
What the fuck is up with Merrill?
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