The Mess In the 'Cho

Ahhhh, home sweet home.

Such a bitter sweet home, right now.

Leeeeeeeeeet's roll back a few years, shall we?

This is one about Jacob.

Jacob Victoria.

Friend who's been trying to be more than a friend FOR-EV-ER.

K so, junior year of high school.

Sucked. Hardcore. I was alone most of the day at school, always sad, always feeling awkward, no matter how much effort I put into trying to be outgoing. Always too afraid of what people thought of me. (Not much different from now, really, eh?) I remember Ms. Davis' English class... man, I hated that class. Ms. Davis was awesome, and the class wasn't actually bad, but after Greg dropped out of it, I had near nobody to talk to, to smile at, to give me any sort of confidence. Maybe I could've shown someone I was interested in being friends. I feel like I did. Oh well. Junior year sucked. Hated being alone.

ANYWAY, after school, people would come over to my house. People always came over, that's what happened! Ever since like, the 6th grade, starting with our famous Wednesdays. (RIP good times) Annnnd Jacob just started showing up a lot. And he'd leave after everyone else, so we would chat for a while, bolster our friendship, and be happy. That was cool. Was really happy with that. I'd been so lonely at school that the additional time socializing was really good for me. The issue came about when he'd not leave until 8-9 PM, and I still had homework/a life to attend to afterward. (These are the days when I went to sleep from 10-11 PM) ALSO: I HAD A BOYFRIEND WHO WAS TRIPPING BALLS. Guys don't like it when their girls spend more time with another guy than themselves. Go figure. After a while, I guess the messages started showing up. The mass amounts of comments, or stuff like that on MySpace. And while flattering, and nice to read, messages from another guy, when you're already deep into a relationship, are just not healthy after a while. The guilt sets in, and your heart starts to break every time you see them. The thing is about Jacob is while he is weird, and kind of obsessive, he is a good guy, and just wants to love and be loved. He's such a romantic. Hehe! I am also, very romantic, and we both share a lot of common interests. And the thing is: I love to make people happy, so I continued to spend time with him. I just made sure he didn't come over more than once a week, so Greg would feel more comfortable. But in the end, I was finding myself trying to make too many people happy, and worrying about Jacob like I would worry about a boyfriend. He became a subject my mind wandered too far too much for my own good, and poor Greg's sanity. I wanted to make the poor kid happy. Always have. Anyway, in the end, I had to cut off all communication with Jacob. I couldn't handle it, Greg couldn't handle it, and he was basically tearing my relationship apart. That just would not do.

Now, it's a a few years later. I figured that we could possibly be friends again, because y'know, I like friends. I like to see people happy, and be happy with them. We started chatting again, and I was content, just like before. He really needed a friend, and I really needed a friend. We were excellent for each others health. A few nights before Spring Break, he texted me. He was basically a hot mess, and I was happy to be there for him. When I returned for break, we spent a lot of time together, doing a whole lot of nothing, and enjoying the hell out of it. I was really happy to have a old, and cherished friend back. But see, darlin', shit always goes wrong. After break, we just chatted through texts/facebook/whatever, and his feelings for me grew like muscles on steroids. They grew really fast, and really intense. It's not that I was unaware, and I had even previously warned him earlier on in the year, that if things got bad, I was going to stop talking to him again. I just... was unaware of how much those feelings had grown over being away from me. I didn't realize that when I got home, I'd have to deal with junior year Jacob all over again. He's... just like a prisoner... whenever that dog comes by with the key, he grasps and grasps and grasps for it... so desperate to set his heart free... it's really, really sad, and I wish I could cure that for him, but the only way to do so is to be with him, and I just don't feel that way.

So, after about a week of hangin' out in Rancho, chillin', and having a good time, Jacob and I got into a scuffle. And lord, I do not like to fight with people. Hate it. Hate telling them no, hate telling them anything negative. Honestly, I don't even remember what it was about. It was more of, "Do you want to hang out?" "No, I don't think that's a good idea without someone else around." which lead to questions. Always with the God damned questions. Questions you expect me to answer. Questions your eyes plead me to answer in the way you want. You think I've got my shit sorted out? Oh, I don't think so. They drive me insane. I get, and got frustrated with you that night, and I believe I still am. I don't want to break your heart, but if it's your heart, or my sanity, well, my sanity wins. Just BLOWS in the process that I can't get to know Matt/Aaron/Rory better, I guess. I'd say Chris too, but I know he doesn't like me sooo~! Yeah!

This time, there is no Greg. No boyfriend, no relationship, not even a hardcore crush. (There are cute boys in Santa Cruz though! WOO!) So I'm kind of scared. I don't have an excuse, I don't have a person to hide behind. I've got to deal with this on my own this time. And it was SO MUCH EASIER to deal with last time because I had Greg's support, and I was happy with him. Really happy. This time... no substantial blockade for Jacob to deal with... it scares me... because I am a person who will try to convince myself of feelings, in an attempt to be happy, and to make someone else happy. And I'm usually down to give people a chance, but with Jacob, if we went out for a week, it would prolly kill him if I broke up with him, which would prevent me from doing so for about a month, at least, prolly more, which in the end, is just wasted time. I don't know. There's no feelings. No relationship makes sense. Urrgg!

Bleh. There's just so much on my plate right now. I didn't even bite off this much; it was just shoveled upon my platter of issues, and now I've got to choke it down somehow.

Wasn't summer supposed to be relaxing? XD