I'M BAACK

SO, after a loooooooooooong time spent laptop-less, I have returned.

And oh, dear blogger, I missed you a ton. No venting room is torture.

There's been quite a bit to vent about, as well...

BUT! I started writing this post specifically for a certain little reason.

Me... I don't trust myself anymore. But I know I'm a good person. A cool person. A person people like to be around. I'm not as shy as I make myself out to be. I don't want to be so damned shy anymore. The only reason I ever was in the first place was the fact that I was so damned scared of what everyone would think...

For example: during camping trips with the Specerts (and Matty! :]) I am bat-shit crazy. Borderline insane, and I am so happy. So joyous. And my happiness, and almost retardation keeps me, me. I really needed that camping trip to make me feel comfortable in my own skin again. I mean, after last year, I thought I was not only ugly, which for me, is sadly a thought I think of myself far too often, but too loose, as in I thought that I was borderline skank. I didn't do anything. Nope. I don't believe that shit, but I feel like I pretty much convinced myself that I was a terrible person. I'm not. I know I'm not. I am aware of who I am... I just have to remember this year that if people don't like me as the ditzy, loud, blonde girl who's happiness rivals that of another's depression, well, fuck 'em. I never really had this problem in high school. Never had to deal with the dire need to make friends. When I got to UCSC, I know that I was somewhat in a state of panic. And then I broke my hand. Found people. Some good, some bad. Still pains me to say that some are bad... but that'll be okay eventually when we both grow up a little more.

Okay... so! I want to discuss my super self consciousness about being skanky, loose, or minorly whorish, because I remember hearing last year that the girls thought I was a little loose. All I've got to say is wow, you either A) Lied to please the crazy B) Actually think so... SO I'm going to make clear that: Any action I took last year regarding men was not slutty. It's OK to like men or women, or whoever, just to clarify so I'm not seen as being discriminatory, and want to be in a relationship. I'm going to list some "boy" instances for me this year, and explain what I think about them, then say a piece on my ideas about dating, and stuff like that.

1) First crushes - People in Santa Cruz were new, attractive, and interesting. I basically had a crush on everyone and was a little bit of a creeper. I'll admit that. But I didn't do anything with anyone nor develop any actual feelings for any of those people. A crush is a crush. It's a silly infatuation.
2) Marc - I thought he liked me, I liked him. I feel like that's self explanatory.
3) Drunk Darlene - This is something I really want to address. Once Mark stopped talking to me last year I had nobody to feel totally comfortable around when I was drunk. I remember being asked once, "Why do you want to be with Ryan so bad?" Why? Because I trust him. I more than likely even liked Ryan more, and wanted to be with him because he was my friend. The hanging-off-ness comes with the Drunk Darlene package, I'm afraid -- but if that were ever to become an actual issue that needed to be worried about, y'know, I would've, but it didn't because Ryan and I are both mature enough to be around a member of the opposite sex and just be friends, (not to mention he has a wonderful girlfriend) doesn't mean I need to be attacked for wanting to be around him more than another group. After a while I started to branch out to more people, the people I really liked and trusted (Cam, Logan, British Jon). I did it with the girls too (Kendal, Julia, Liz), but that was never really noticed, and hey, personally, I'd prefer to hang off of a guy than a girl. I'm into them. IT'S OKAY TO BE A LITTLE FLIRTATIOUS. IT'S FUN. Just as long as you don't make bad decisions (AKA having drunk sex), I see nothing wrong with it. I mean God, I'm a whore? I'm just exploring my options. I'm only going to be in college once and I am going to live it up, explore, and hopefully find someone that will be my other half. I don't KNOW if it's going to happen in college, but it might, and why waste time not finding out? Er. Yeah. Rant. I just mostly wanted to say cuddling while drunk isn't slutty, it's pretty much perfectly normal.
4) Cameroon - I love Cam to death. We kind of both had a thing for each other, but decided it'd be best for us to just stay friends. I'm happy with it. :]
5) Creepy Kyle - So I was asked once, "Darlene, did you have sex with Creepy Kyle?" and I responded, "No." That's what happened. We hung out a bit, and I remember following him around one night, but nothing serious ever happened.
6) (cue dun dun dunnn) TANNER - DURRRRRRRRRRR this is the one that aggravates me the MOST! I feel like waiting a month, month and a half, maybe even two (I don't remember when they broke up) after a 1-2 month relationship is ample amount of time for someone to become interested in another person. AKA Tanner isn't a terrible person for liking me after some time, and nor am I a terrible person for giving him a chance. I had always liked Tanner as a person and I thought it might work out. Too bad it was the contrary, but whatever, he's still a very cherished friend, and c'mon, if we don't work, what more can I ask for? :D Either way, sure, I prolly messed up not asking Allyson if it was okay. I get that I crossed the line a little bit there, but then again, I sort of think that that was a silly place for the line. I had a best friend start dating a guy, who I had dated for 6-7 months, and had only been broken up with for a month. She's still my best friend. For me, men aren't worth friendships and some friends are not worth men, and the sooner more girls figure that out, the sooner I will have more female friends. I think with my brain and my heart, because anyone I am even minorly interested in dating is my friend. I honestly didn't think that it would become the biggest drama infestation I've ever had to deal with in my entire life. I didn't have to deal with petty bullshit of that level in high school. Just thinking about all of the idiotic pain and suffering I went through last year makes me want to throw up more. And I was already sick earlier today driving home from Fort Bragg. XD Oh, and, yeah. I had sex with Tanner. HE TOOK MY V-CARD, OH NO. Are you people crazy? Do you think Prince Charming is the only person you're ever going to have sex with? ARE YOU INSANE?! I'm glad Tanner was my first time. He's a good person and I trust him and I feel like he'll be a part of my life for a while - if not - oh well, life goes on.

I don't really know what else to say on that subject.

I feel a little better now, though. And my Mom's in my room talking to me so I guess I should prolly pay attention to her. Derp. ~.~