So, I just kind of feel so horrible that I don't give any fucks anymore.
0 Fucks.
I've kinda given up on... like everything...
Save school, of course! School is always there.
But at the time I'm utterly convinced that nobody is going to be interested in me for a long time -- and what's worse is I feel like I'm not really going to be interested in anyone for a long time. I feel silly. I gave Nebraska up so I could explore... and now I'm sitting here writing. Writing because I'm sad. I'm not good. Bubbly Darlene can prevail through this, but y'know... fuckin' fins... there's always so much more going on inside of me. Even though I write this blog, I'm not as honest as I used to be. I've got an audience. Maybe all of my walls will tumble down one day... maybe.
And I know it's stupid... but I feel like because of my face, people take a look at me and put me into the friend zone like that.
I know who I am. I love who I am. I'm a good person and fun to be around. People tend to flock toward me. But I've got all this shit on my face. Stupid acne. Stupid blemishes, blotches. I just never feel beautiful. Never feel pretty. I'm always looking at other people... always comparing... The guys will always just see me as their friend... not that I especially want to date any of my guys, but y'know. It'd be kinda nice to be a girl instead of Darlene. I've always been the girl with the guys. The girl with the really pretty friends that guys drool over... Nobody is going to look at me and be like, "Man, I want to meet her." People only start to like me after they've known me for a while. I look and feel like a scrub every single freakin' day... I don't wear things that would make me feel sexy, because I'm just not. Fuckin' Asher has said that to my face, even. Sexy is just not me. Too many self-esteem issues.
I obsess over this like a person who obsesses over their weight. It bothers me everyday, 'cause I gotta look at myself everyday to put makeup on... UGGGGGGGH. I can only hide so much. Besides, I still feel unattractive.
Well, everyone just kind of came in. I don't really feel like writing much more. Ug ug ug.
9 comments:
You say no one likes you but thats far from true: There's two instances I know of, Michael and Tyler, that have happened in the past 6 weeks, not many girls get that chance at all. So don't complain about not having anyone if you're just going to pass nice guys up.
dang can't post as anon on this thing. just wanted to share a song which i thought of when i read this post. don't worry about your looks... just have fun and be happy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AwPds6U-fU
shhhhhhit can't post as anon anymore?! I gotta fix that..
Tis ok
I like my smiley face account anyways. Apparently, I somehow changed my display name way way back. :o
RAGEMAN! That started off on the wrong foot. I more meant to say that I'm more upset because I'm like, incapable of feeling anything real for anyone. It's sort of depressing. Michael and Tyler are both good, nice guys, and I'd be good to have either of them -- I just don't feel anything. At all. Also, I love you and those ice cream sandwiches were hella bomb. :)
Darlene, then don't complain about not getting guys if you're not going to have feelings for them. Don't toy around with guys and their emotions if you feel nothing. I'm sorry if this sounds mean and what not but honestly why stay with guys if you've felt nothing about them, I've read your other posts and some of the things you've said have urked me. Don't get me wrong I respect you for saying how you feel, but think about others when you're saying things about them especially if you know they really cared about you and all you can say about them is that you don't even know if you ever liked them.
Yeah. I know man. That's why I broke things off with Michael... and told Freshman that nothing was gonna happen. I dunno, upset Darlene was very upset when this was posted. I don't feel like I'm toying with anyone... I've been really honest... and I feel like that's all I could've done. I keep saying I don't know if I even really liked Michael because like, there were def times where I felt things for him, but I don't know if it was because I was lonely as hell and liked the company, or had actual feelings for him. I took a week, figured it out, and y'know, history. Sometimes I apparently don't think TOO much about what I post on here -- but I hope the guys know that I appreciate them and the times we had together. Some things are left unsaid, y'know? :)
you shouldn't feel that way. one day, you are going to meet that one guy who's absolutely crazy about you because of who you are. it's hard to have high self esteem, i know. but be optimistic about finding a guy. you never know when you're going to meet that great guy; it'll happen on its own, just give it some time :)
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