FRL! Article

Pukin' Like a Pro - Darlene McCoy

Dear Freshmen:
Now that you've survived a quarter at UCSC, you've probably realized that parties happen, so puke happens - a lot. In light of these facts, the FRL! has put together a small guide on how to Puke Like a Pro.
Pre-Game: Eat Gogurt. All kinds, all colors. The brighter the colors, the better. Also try some rice -- with this small addition, you can create a trail of slime covered fruity pebbles. If you don't have any Gogurt on hand, the dining halls always provide something of an odd color or texture, too. (I'm looking at you, avocado-flavored soft serve.) Eat as much of whatever you can possibly fit into your mouth. The noms, they shall be so intense.
Once drunk off your ass: Start vomiting spontaneously. Don't stop. If your chunks are projectile, the deeper angle you get, the better. It creates more of a fantastic spectacle, especially if you ate the colored yogurt, you're a vomit rainbow! Beautiful. Continue to erupt: evolve into a vomit volcano, let your regugitated rainbow mush rain fire on the awaiting Pompeii. Toss yo' cookies, toss 'em over everything, everywhere. Take special interest in the furniture, especially, because the smell will seep into the fabric, causing its owners to remember you and your vomit time and time again. They'll never forget you. If you're feeling creative, spewing a smiley face, heart, or any shape of your choice on the window might be a nice touch. By this time, all eyes will be on you. Don't let them make you nervous. You are a champion, a performer, and this is your show. They are staring because they are mesmerized by your skill. Bonus points if you manage to puke on one of them. Friends love to be vomited upon -- the two of you will be even closer in the morning. They might even start vomiting. If they do, make sure to grab them and position them so you're back to back. Tilt your head a bit to get that deep angle that allows vomit to be so round. First you were a vomit rainbow, and now, with the addition of your friend, you're a heart of hurl! It's been said, by a very wise old man, known only as Mr. Daniels, that friends who puke together, stay together. So, after choosing your best friend for life and the rest of ever, fall down, to all fours, and flip your hair whilst continuing to vomit. Crawl, leaving a trail behind you, toward the restroom. When you arrive, give the toilet a hug. Toilets are lonely, they need love too! Then puke on it. On the toilet, not in it, mind you. Someone might be lucky enough to discover your present later! How sweet! If you are still feeling nervous, or a hint of stage fright is creepin' on your soul, now is a good time to talk to the toilet -- it is the only one that understands how you're feeling. Let all your stress go, cry into its arms if you need to, a toilet is always there. After recovering -- if needed, that is, you might just be the best damned puker on the planet - wipe any excess off your face. Good job and well done, you mighty pukester, you!
Exiting Stage Left (or Right): after finishing up, bring yourself to your feet, and prepare for the grand finale! Sprint, as fast as humanly possible, (which should be quite fast at this point) toward the exit. If you're an advanced drunkard: falling, tripping, and running into walls is recommended for additional artistic effect. Once at the door, swing it open with all your might. Expel yourself through it, vomit yourself through that door, because tonight, you have achieved victory. Continue on your path to the bus stop (drunk driving is bad, you asshole!), leaving sparatic trail of regurgitate along the way. Don't make them even -- you don't want any CSOs on your ass -- or thinking that all that vomit came from one motherfuckin' pukin' champion. Once the bus arrives, make your way to the back, where the row of five seats are, and bring up a small mountain upon the center one. Proceed to not give a fuck, and sit upon your throne. Gaze upon your subjects; note their mystified faces. Finally get to wherever the hell you live, stumble indoors, and take your pants off. (You just sat in vomit for a bus ride, remember? No? Good.) Then, dear champion, you deserve some rest. Pull yourself into bed, close your eyes, and drift off into a world of your own. You have done well, young padawan.