What Will Hopefully Be A Good Post~

Naked. Always naked. That's how I like to be.

I told Aaron Franklin that the other day.

I think he thinks I'm a little strange.

Whatevs!

I'm writing nice things, amusing things, 'cause I kind of sort of feel depressed as shit right now. XD

COOL DUDE.

Not really. Not at all.

Today. I woke up at 2:30 PM.

I spent most of the night with Jacob. Was up until the light of dawn.

(For your information, dear reader, nothing happened.)

I've done that... like... three times this week.

Should have done that... zero times.

Stupid stupid stupid. Not doing any good for anyone.

I let him be close to me. I've gotta have better self control. I've got to... stop giving in to how lonely I am.

I'm... just so sorry.

I've been really sorry, all day.

People always say how I push others away. And I'm well aware that I do. I just don't know how to keep people close to me anymore. I get scared. Hurt. I hurt easily... way more easily than I'd ever like to admit to myself or anyone else... but y'know!

This is what blogs are for.

Sadness. Ranting. Archiving it so I can look at my thoughts later and think, "Good lord, I'm so glad I'm not in that mindset anymore."

This blog has also been... one of the few places where I can think, uncensored.

Well, mostly uncensored. I have too many readers who have feelings to not be censored at all.

(I've already failed to meet my blog's original purpose. Oh well.)

I don't know. I don't know. I'm just so sorry.

Sorry for the drama, the pain, the stupid confusions I've caused this year...

See, I've always had this issue with self-esteem. If you've ever read this blog before, you know that. It's quite obvious.

But I've not doubted who I am... in quite some time.

Maybe I'm a problem. Maybe I'm too selfish. Too ambitious. Too uncaring and headstrong... never giving myself a break is what I do best. I'm also happiest when I'm busy. Idle hands are depression's playground. Ew. Cliche as fuck, but twisty cliche!

Stupid stupid stupid.

Why am I so stupid? Argh. So dumb. Can't see so many things. Always want what I can't have, what I can't reach.
I always want what I can't have because I believe in the impossible. Stupid. Stupid fucking dreamer, dude.

I spent the entire day in bed today. Watched anime until 8:30. Then I watched Mean Girls. Then I took a shower. Now I'm here, moping about on the internet. I feel pathetic. Not the kind of cute lazy pathetic that I perform, but really, really, pathetic.

There's too many lies going on in my head right now. I'm trying to convince myself of too many things.

Too many injured frendships that I will prolly just let slide, 'cause I don't have the mental capacity to deal with the anxiety that comes along with wanting to resolve things...

I'm scared of myself. And the person I've become. I've changed. I'm not the girl I was a few years ago. Not at all.

And for the first time in a long time, I don't know if I am okay with the person I am.

Er, going back to the self-esteem issues.

Have never thought I was pretty.
Have always thought I'm pretty fucking awesome.

I've always blamed my personality insecurities on my physical appearance.

Ex: I'm utterly convinced my acne comes from how stressed I am.
I'm stressed because I have massive anxiety issues.
I'm not exactly sure where my massive anxiety issues came from... but I'm gonna guess it prolly has something to do with not having the ability to trust people as much as I'd like....

Er, uh, I don't know.

Can we call this post soul-searching? I feel like I'm looking for something. A certain thought.

Or maybe I keep typing, because I know what that thought is, but am still too afraid to put it into written words. Y'know, the only language I speak/understand clearly?

Yeah, uh, I'ma be typing for a while longer if that's the case. Hah. XD

'CAUSE I DUNNNNOOO, BROOOO.

Oh! Wait!

Back to me hating my appearance:

I was talking to Ryan, once, and he told me:

"Darlene, people don't like you not because of what you look like, but because you're just too much for them. You're kinda crazy, y'know?"

At least, those words seem more of my own, but that's what I got out of it.

That was also right after he told me he didn't consider me to be one of his best friends...

So maybe I took it wrong? Maybe I was a little hurt... Hm...

Either way -- if I interpreted what he said correctly or no -- it got me to thinkin'.

Darlene, you're too crazy.

What makes me too crazy? Too much to handle? I don't understand. I was gonna say is it because I'm too honest with myself, and the rest of the world, but, yeah, that's funny... I'm totally not honest with myself, nor the world. Don't think I ever have been. Sure, I don't tell lies. I don't do things maliciously. That's just not me. But like... avoiding white elephants, pushing issues out of my mind, isn't that even worse? Isn't lying to yourself the worst thing you can do..?

FUCKING HELL I DON'T EVEN KNOOOOOOOOOOW.

And I keep wondering about Rubino.

Why me?
Whywhywhy...

I know he'd not really like me to say anything -- but, like, I really kind of need to/want to.

The want creates the need. I'm awful at bottling my feelings up, y'see?

Ug I just want to ask him so bad... why did that night happen? What the fuck?

My brain is so confused.

Erm. Hrm. That's not what this is about.

But maybe it is. Maybe this post is just about everything, ever, too.

Ugh... so many things on my mind.

Spring cleaning... so much clutter and junk in this head 'o mine...

Mmmmm... Tanner... so much to say about him...

But, as I feel right now, at this very moment, all I can think is, "Dear lord, I miss him."

It's been hard accepting that I'm not special to him anymore. Really hard. I actually thought I'd always have a special relationship with him. Dumb dumb dummmmb~

Tanner only cares about girls who don't make him uncomfortable. Who don't point out his flaws... who don't yell at him across the dinner table...

I understand why he doesn't care anymore. And it hurts, because both of us are far too stubborn to concede our view to be close again.

I'm always gonna think he talks down to me.
He's always gonna think otherwise.

I just... wish we could be friends again. But I can never, ever, pretend that there's not things that bother me about him again...

I will forever stick by my own thoughts -- until they're proven wrong... and I actually believe they're wrong. My greatest ally is myself.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here. I'm just really sad.

Oh. I do want to say that you were right about Smolich, Jacob.
One-hundred-complete-freakin'-percent-correct.

Yay, that's off my chest!

I don't know what else to talk about right now. I'm getting tired...

Can't wait to get back to SC tomorrow. I'm so sad about Alec, though.

Love the kid to death. Breaks my heart...

~.~

Maybe I feel a little better, maybe?