Darlene McCoy
The Fish Rap Live!
12 April 2011
Recent Theft at Porter College Due to “Rollin’ Raccoons”
The Porter Housing Office issued a statement to all residents of the Porter apartments due to the rise of theft at the college earlier this week.
Top-secret investigators have thus began researching who what when where why and how personal belongings have gone missing.
Their current conclusion is that raccoons have been sneaking into apartments and taking belongings back to their homes in the woods.
When asked why local raccoons would want anything to do with a bunch of backpacks and Altoid bins, Super-secret investigator #1 replied, “I’m not quite positive yet, but I think it may have something to do with the content of the belongings. We’ve found numerous drugs, including ecstasy, in recovered belongings. Additionally, the raccoon population has exploded in the last year! We couldn’t figure out why… but now!” He paused, contemplating his next statement.
“We think the raccoons have been taking ecstasy, mating like mad, and are now sneaking into apartments to find more. That’s what’s happening at Porter College.”
Super-secret investigator #1 has worked at Porter College for over fifteen years and investigated more than 100 mysterious happenings, but he has never, in all his time, seen such ravenous raccoons. He believes that they are the true culprits, but will continue to investigate the matter to the best of his ability.
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