Single

also entitled: Sexy and She Knows It, or: Smart and She Knows It.

hehe!

SO, BLOGGER, HOW YOU BEEN DOIN', BABY?

I posted on Tumblr like a week ago that I wasn't okay with confessing my heart on the internet. I still dunno how I feel about it anymore, BUT:

I need to speak. I need to write Goddamnit!

I also need to let some people know what the hell is going ooooon~

'Kay, so;

Ryan and I are not dating anymore. We have broken up.

We're still friends. And we're still having a hard time getting through the break-up, but as friends, we can support each other. While that does make it a little harder to deal with, too, I've seen how we function in a relationship, and I made the decision that we don't function as well as I need us to for both of us to stay healthy. Therefore, we are no longer together.
This doesn't mean that I hate him. In fact, I gotta say, I'm really proud of him for handling this as he is right now. He's trying to be strong, so we can be friends. I hope he can keep this up - Ryan is def a person that I do not want to lose. Yeah, he's a goofball, but that only prevents us from being in a romantic relationship. It doesn't prevent us from being friends nor does it prevent us from loving one another. I tell people I love them all the time - because there's all different kinds of love, and any kind of love felt should be expressed. I 100% still love Ryan. We're just not dating anymore. This decision also does not rule out a future for Ryan and I - it just rules out a future in the present time. (If that makes sense.)
Either way: that's what happened between me and Ryan. I'm obviously getting to be more and more okay with this, considering I'm solidifying my feelings in writing.

I want to address another "mystery" of happenings surrounding me: Jocab Victario.

So, um, one of the reasons why I fell so rapidly out of love with Ryan is because I started to fall for Jacob. He has grown so much, and it's not like he's an unattractive dude, so like, why would I not fall for the person who pretty much understands me better than my mother? The issue is here, though, that I don't know if I fell for Jacob for comfort only. I need crazy passion in a relationship. I'll tell ya right now -- sex is important to me -- and I dunno if he and I can connect on that level as well as I'd like to. It's weird. But that's all I want to say on this. Talking about sexuality makes me blush! I'm unsure of my feelings for him -- unsure meaning I'm not 100%, y'know? Shit is sketchy.

The one thing I am sure of is right now, I don't want to make plans for the "future." I want to live my life right now. I want to meet new people, have new experiences, and do new things (not hard drugs <.

SO: now I'll explain the other titles.

Sexy and She Knows It: lately, I've had a huge surge of self-confidence. I gotta tell ya - me running around in just a bra and cardigan is not a normal Darlene thing. That is a confident and hot as fuck Darlene thing. I'm super down with this. My life has been a whole lot more pleasant since I decided I don't look like a disfigured human being. I'm not afraid of my body anymore - I just fear the power it has over other human beings, 'cause oh baby, I like to abuse me some power. Hahahahahah XD

Smart and She Knows It: So now that I'm more or less okay with my physical appearance, I've become super self-conscious about my intelligence. At dinner the other night, for example, a few of the boys (Can you guess who?) made me feel like I didn't belong in college because I was too stupid to be here. Luckily, I am aware that people do think I'm smart, and just needed to call upon the Facebook Gods to remedy my rather depressed mood. And guess what? I think I'm smart, too. Why? 'Cause I am Goddamnit. I'm smart enough to realize that life isn't about what TV shows you watch, what music you listen to, what books you read, nor any other creation of humanity that humans can use to judge others by. Life is about enjoying it. Guess what? I like Legally Blonde. I will always like Legally Blonde. I will never disown that movie, because it was a part of me growing up as an individual. Whenever I see that film, I think of the bliss I enjoyed when I was a young girl. There's nothing fucking wrong with that, y'hear, world? There is nothing wrong with being happy. And even if I enjoyed Legally Blonde for complete asinine reasons, does that really matter? Newp. Not really. All that matters is that I had a good time. Now -- I'm not saying that having a good time takes precedence over everything in life. Self-discipline is super fucking important. But when all of the day's work is done -- shouldn't you have the right to sit down and do whatever the hell you want without some jackass judging you or calling you stupid for it? Yeah, you, jackass: fuck you. Please accuse me of being naive when your statement is the utter propagation of naivety, so I can enjoy a nice chuckle. Unless you just think the point of life is to be miserable. In that case, I just pity you, you sad, sad soul.

Either way: I'm a smarticle (a smart particle!).

Also: I'm booksmart. I love my major, and have a massive passion for studying literature. Just because I have extra work to do because I didn't receive all the culture I should have as a kid doesn't make me stupid. It just makes me an underdog. And you know what else it makes me? Awesome. Because I'm going to succeed without all of the other shit other people had. AND I'm probably going to do better than them. So fuck you again, you jackass trying to bring me down, f-u-c-k  y-o-u. Laugh at me if you please, darlin', but when you're holed up in your room wallowing in your own self misery and pity, I'll be holed up in mine writing a fantastic book report, listening to bad pop and enjoying every fucking minute of it.

Don't hate me because you can't enjoy life like I can. Learn to enjoy life your own way, dumbass. Jealously is one of the worst -- and arguably most unproductive -- emotions, so why don't you just toss it out the window? It's worthless.

Erg and Steve went out with Casey! What! He's a butt.
(Note here: he could've gone out with anyone and still been a butt.)

UGH.

Word vomit is best vomit.