Man

I just got in a really big fight with Jacob and now I want to die.
So much for that being a good paper. UGH. I was so happy with it earlier, too.

So Apparently I REALLY Needed to Write More!

Man oh man, last night was a freaking disaster. Hahhahaha.

My brain still hurts from how bad it was. Ho-lee shit, dude.

There wasn't even time for anyone to awkwardly hit on anyone there were so many crying women and people and everything ever hoooomaaaaaaaan

Anyway, so, um, title ^

Apparently I needed to explain what the fuck and how I feel about things

I want to say something, though, before we get into this:

1. I never wanted to explain any of this. I might still not. Everything between me, Ryan, and Jacob is our own business, isn't it? Why should everyone know everything ever about what's going on? Why can't people just see that he, I, and Jacob are okay, and then mind their own damn problems?
2. Your opinion doesn't matter. I don't give a flying fuck about how you feel about the situation. I'll ask you if I want to hear your opinion. If not, keep it to yourself. A huge factor in everyone having a bad night last night was people putting things into Ryan's head. Jacob, Ryan, and I all went into last night looking to have a good time. It didn't happen, and it's not on us, guys. If everyone had not had something to say on the matter, Ryan would have been fine, and then he wouldn't have said things to make me upset.
3. If you don't understand the context of the situation or the people involved, it's really hard for you to make an opinion I'll actually consider listening to. 
4. I am not dragging Ryan nor Jacob through the dirt. Ryan and I are over. He's having a hard time dealing with his emotions right now. That doesn't mean I'm dragging him through the dirt. In fact -- I am doing the opposite by telling him he can still rely on me for emotional support. 'Cause, y'know, friends fucking do that shit for each other, right? It's also not my fault that he hasn't attempted to talk to me as much as he wants to. He can learn to ask for help, because I'm not going to sit here and baby him anymore. I know he's hurt, but it's time for him to man up and either ask for help or solve his own problems. Nobody is gonna do it for him. The hardest of times are the best to be a fucking bad ass. 
5. Jacob and I are dating. I've already let him know that if I want to date somebody else, I will. He believes it. It scares the shit out of him, and that kinda sucks. But the fact of the matter is: I really want some freedom right now. He knows that and respects it. It's fine. There's absolutely no reason why we can't enjoy each other right now, though, because I'm not interested in anybody else right now, and what people fail to understand about me and Jacob is that we've always had this bonkers-crazy close relationship. We're just like, being more romantic about our emotions, y'know? So what if I like him. I do. It's okay, and if you think not, please see #2 again.
6. You don't know Jacob. Stop having opinions of him until you actually know him. It's like talking about an interpretation of a book without actually reading it. You look like a Goddamn asshole. He's been here for a quarter and a half and most of ya'll have only seen him a few times and read his blog. There's a lot more to him than ya'll think. So quit, it, please?
7. Nothing is simple. There is no simple solution to anything. We all must work through making everything better, together. Divisions will only make us weak.
8. Fucking talk to me if you have an issue or want something cleared up. Don't sit there and ponder over thoughts you're unsure of. It's just a bad idea.

Well, that's all I'm saying for now. Don't feel like more at the moment.

Also: I'm not mad at anyone. Last night was just such a damn fail for all kinds of stupid reasons.

ALSO ALSO: Kendal, thank you for taking care of Ryan on Friday. He ultra-appreciated it, and I do too. <3

The Need to Write!

SOOOOOOO today in 102!

I was thinking, since we were just going over Benjamin again,

Man, I really want to write about Vanquish. Hahahaha.

Then I laughed at how nostalgic, nerdy, and fantastic I am.

Then I laughed at Alex being passed out because he stayed up until 6 AM finishing our paper for the class.

What a goof!

Anyway, so like, I was all supppppper down to start writing again.

Then I realized: shit, bro, I don't have any time for this shit!

Eh. Not really. I think I'm more just scared that my writing will end up as bad like, FFXI fanfiction. I don't wanna do that.

I do not have a lot of time, though. I mean, that's sort of true.

Then again, I have the time right now to be writing this...

Let's stop talking about me and time, 'aight?

Hrm... so now yeah okay~!

Writing. I want to write about Vanquish as a set of short stories that kinda are a memoir. They'd be Memoirs of a White Mage. Hhahahahaa.

I don't know why I laugh at writing about FFXI and the people I met there so much... maybe it's because society finds internet relationships to be petty jokes and not real in any sense -- and the connotations that go along with playing a MMO are just freakin' crazy... as in crazy negative...

Maybe I'm still afraid to step out of my comfort zone.

Funny, I know that once I do, I can produce something amazing.

But maybe I'm just not ready for that yet. Maybe I'm not ready because I don't feel that I have the adequate brain time to use on writing. Shit, man, I'd prolly only be able to write like a few pages a day, if that. Y'know, providing I was in the right mood to be writing at all. Homan--

Either way, there's been a lot on my mind recently. I've been spending a lot of time with Jacob, and it's made me really relaxed, peaceful, and happy. Though I feel as if I am being selfish, because my communication with Ryan has dropped substantially this week. I hope he doesn't think that I all of a sudden think ill of him -- as his crazy brain might do -- I just am like, happy as I am right now and am too selfish to want to change any of that at the moment.

Then again, why should I ever change my plans if they involve me being less happy? :/ Right?

Man. Everything is so crazy right now. Well, everything forever is crazy. That's just kinda how life is....

Tonight the Stellar Corpses are playing at the Catalyst. I don't think I'm going. I just like, won't feel right there. I'm not a psychobilly type of girl, y'know? I don't even know how to type the word correctly. I think the culture is cool, and I really appreciate it, but I'm not the type of person who can participate in a mosh pit -- even if it's the nicest most pit that ever existed! I can't deal with physical discomfort very well. It really affects my thinking and thought processes... no bueno, dude.

Also tonight: Silly Creature is playing at Kresge Town Hall aka 2 feet away from my apt. I haven't seen r00b, Nate, or Keyhan for a long time, and I'd really like to show those guys that I still enjoy Silly Creature, and that I support them! Besides, I'm also contemplating wearing my fish net shirt to the show to mess with Rubino. Hahahaha.

Oi, everything ever. Again. Everything ever in my head. Did you know I can write for days, dear blogger? I think you do, but sometimes, when my archive looks thin, I think you question my ability to write. I do too, though, so, maybe all of this thinking is kinda pointless. Maybe I should write a book all in stream-of-consciousness. That'd be really cool. It'd also prolly contain a lot of typos. Can I use spellcheck if I'm typing in stream-of-consciousness? Hahahaha. I think what I'm writing now is kinda stream-of-consciousness, and I used spellcheck to spell consciousness correctly... so... I guess it counts. Meh. Dunno. Too philosophical for me at the moment!

Erg so like later, I really want to write a super-awesome and long blog post about that teacher that I tried to get to know on Tumblr. I have no idea why he didn't respond to me. He prolly either thinks that I'm some goob ass undergrad without a brain OR doesn't actually have the time for a social life. I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt, because he is a teacher, and a very devoted teacher, so I think it is plausible that he could've had something more important to do than to chat with some random person on Tumblr. I just wish that he would've talked to me... I think he's so cool and smart and awesome and just like! Ugh. I would like to talk to someone who's just ahead of me in life so baaaaaaaaaad. I mean, the fact that he's adorable as shit doesn't bother me at all, either, but still. I'm not looking for a relationship right now. There's kinda one smacking me in the face currently. Oi. To be fair, I don't know if smacking is the right word to use. It implies that I'm not happy, or am like, forced into my current relationship situation. And I'm not. I do what I want. Like forever. Forever forever. Did you know that I freaking love language? Gosh, it's like the most interesting thing eveeer! But, then again, I prolly love the study of literature more. I dunno. I wonder what Tanner got on his paper. I'm really curious. Because I'm a bad person. Oh well.

Saturday night kinda sucked. It's a good thing this weekend has arrived now, though, because I think it's about to be a good one!

Also: heard Steve was more... of not my type of person. Interesting. Still willing to investigate, but like, significantly less interested in anything with him. I guess that's what the investigating is for, right? Hah!

Man. I keep talking about all of these things and people floating around and around and around in my head, but I never seem to talk about the things that are really, really important to me. Oh well. I don't know if I'm okay with my heart and soul on the internet -- just my brain works a lot better for me.

But wait. Is my brain my heart and soul? OH SHIT PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION TIMEEEEE

Oi, man, everything ever. Everything ever. Abbey is coming over on the 25th. I'm really excited to see her and how she's grown over the past few years. I think she's an incredible young lady, and never, ever gives herself enough credit for how far she's come. I guess that's where I come in, eh? :D

We're gonna watch Velvet Goldmine. It has Ewan McGregor naked in it. Hahahaha. 'Cause, y'know, I totally watch movies for a single aesthetic moment. Whatever. lol  I really hope I can get Kim to come over, too, because Goddamn I miss her. She's the freaking best.

UGGGGGGH. Could write forever. Forever and ever.

Whatevs.

I think I'm done for now. My brain isn't functioning as I'd like it to be to continue.

Don't ask me why -- 'cause I don't wanna think about it.

But then again, blogger, you don't ask me questions... you just sit here and allow me to fill you with my thoughts. So non-judgmental. I love it.

Meh. Ta-ta for now, motherfucker!