I've got a lot of reading to do.
Game Studies
Halo and the Anatomy of the FPS
The Sims: Grandmothers are cooler than trolls
Computer Games Have Words, Too: Dialogue Conventions in Final Fantasy VII.
Virtual Worlds Don't Exist: Questioning the Dichotomous Approach in MMO Studies
The Pastoral and the Sublime in Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
Wrap Your Troubles in Dreams: Popular Music, Narrative, and Dystopia in Bioshock
The Algorithmic Experience: Portal as Art
A Pedestal, A Table, A Love Letter: Archaeologies of Gender in Videogame History
The Heuristic Circle of Real-Time Strategy Process: A StarCraft: Brood War Case Study
Bioshock: Complex and Alternate Histories
Play and Possibility in the Rhetoric of the War on Terror: The Structure of Agency in Halo 2
“Take That, Bitches!” Refiguring Lara Croft in Feminist Game Narratives
The Character of Difference: Procedurality, Rhetoric, and Roleplaying Games
Maybe I should do a thing where I read one of these like once every two weeks and then write some thoughts on them or something. I sure am adding a lot to my plate but if I really want to study games and literature this seems like a really good place to start learning new things.
I only highlighted the articles that piqued my own personal interest, (and maybe the interest of another turbo nerd!) but there were like at least four per issue. All of them are like crazy legit scholarly articles. It's fantastic. I can begin to read scholarly things on one of my favorite subjects! All this happened because when I was in college I found this amazing article on memory and storytelling featuring FFX. I really want to find it again one day, because I never did get to read it all. FFX was the first game that really got me into storytelling. Maybe it was what ignited my passion for literature... who knows!
I just love thinking of games, especially RPGs, as literature. As a text. As something worthwhile. I also just read this fantastic article on how FFX helped someone realize and combat their internalized misogyny. (It's because Yuna is baller!)
I haven't logged onto FFXIV all day today, and I'm kind of okay with it. I have to go wash my face and brush my teeth soon because the sleepy will onset my brain before I know it! And once that happens man oh man is it lights out for me.
I also have to mention one more thing. It's funny, because you probably won't read this for a number of days, or even weeks. I hope only days because I like to know when you check in on this here blog. It makes me smile. Like a lot of the stuff you do.
So, this thing, I feel, is now painfully obvious: I have found a person who supports me in ways that really help. Constant encouragement. Constant "Hey, did you do this for yourself today?" He, like me, is broke. Wants to leave home, and is pretty desperate to do so. He, like me, has dreams of being amazing. He, like me, has a great passion for learning, exploring, and thinking critically.
I did not think that a friendship would turn into this kind of pillar for me.
I also need to mention that I just recently got out of a relationship that started much in the same way: I, eternally on the depression roller coaster, needed support. I found support, and the depression subsided somewhat. I found a job, buried myself in work, and continued like that for over a year.
Then it is almost as simple as the words - I woke up, and realized I was painfully unhappy. I was helping local teens grown into themselves everyday, but somehow, I had forgotten about myself. I was lost in the muck of trying to move, trying to move as fast as possible to make my family believe that I wasn't so weird, that I could be accomplished. All I really needed to do that was to move out. That's all they really see as success. "Back in my day blah blah blah." "Give 'em tough love, Diane, that'll do it!"
Thank goodness my Mom loves having me and my brother around. Thank goodness she already fought the good fight for her kids. I really gained a new appreciation for her post working with small children for a year and a half. A single mother, with no money, taking care of TWO of us? Oh maaan. Fuck that.
Anyway, getting caught up in trying to impress my family almost made me move cross state into a situation that could have easily been dangerous. I was dating a Marine who beat up his little sister's boyfriends. (Albeit, they were pretty scummy, but I hate violence. Hearing of these things always made me cringe.) A man who could not control his anger when I questioned him. A man who could not control his ego. A man who believed, that after ignoring me, and not talking to me for a year, could buy me back with a car and an engagement ring. It almost worked.
I have been relatively poor my whole life. I say relatively because I am not actually, in any shape or form, poor. I had enough wealth to get an education. Granted, I am going to be in debt forever, but anyone who gets to go to a UC pretty much is not truly "poor." I have also been surrounded by friends who generally are more well off than me, which makes me feel like I have less than them. At UCSC, I very rarely met someone in the same financial situation as me. Most people I knew from college already have found great success. I am not saying it all has to do with wealth, but a lot of them have and/or had more monetary, familial, or other resources than me. I sit here, struggling to get a licence, a job that pays more than minimum wage. I live in the room I grew up in.
Anyway, so, Marine could have easily afford for us to live in a house. Not just an apartment, a house. A whole house that I could decorate. We could have a dog. I would have my own desk space, my own wall space, room to paint, room to create. A bathroom covered in purple. A perfect bed. Everything designed to a tee - by me. A real dream. A real place my Mom could visit. And all I had to do was leave the mediocre city of Rancho Cordova. Yeah. No brainer there. I started buying home appliances, and even the perfect bedspread: red and brown. Inviting, warm, and classic. Not too feminine, and not too masculine. Just a lovely bed for a couple to share. I used to talk about my design plans for our house (which originally started as an apartment, but that's moot point) over mountains of goldfish with the other preschool teachers. I feel like they could see the shine in my eyes. I was completely smitten. They always encouraged me to follow my dreams. There was even a parent that told me, "Do it girl. Just go, be you."
How could all of this just fall apart? Just like that?
Sometimes, it takes a real kick in the teeth to make you realize how blind you've been. How you can settle for mediocrity when you're too busy or tired to care.
And then you quit your job to move.
And then you are stuck at home, for endless hours, with time to think.
And then you play a MMO way too much. Unhealthily so.
And then, one day, you start to have fun again.
And then, one day, you drink and play a MMO, and all of a sudden you're up until 2 AM with a stranger and you haven't felt that kind of happiness in literal months.
And then, the next day, you wake up, with a slight hangover, and realize a stranger seems more interested in your work than your SO of two years.
And then, the real thinking begins:
Am I ready to move?
Does he actually listen to me?
Is my career a joke?
Does he take my intelligence seriously?
Does he respect my friends?
Can we have a discussion, debate, or argument without actually being mad at each other?
By the time I got to the last question I had realized that my answer to most of them was either no, or maybe.
I feel like anyone reading this would be thinking by now, "Gurl, the red flags. Look at them!!"
But this one person, a single soul, who actually just wanted to hang out with me, and listen to what I had to say about my kids. Who took interest in what I was doing - whether it was playing FFXIV, talking about Shakespeare, words, theater, or the other numerous interests of mine.
And who expected nothing from me. He just wanted to be my friend.
It's like all of a sudden something, really, truly clicked for me. And then I went through like two months of breaking up with my Marine. That shit was really long, really dragged out, and caused the worst depression I've felt in my entire life. And, at the end of it, the sad part is I was more upset about losing the prospect of a house, financial security, and good food than I was about losing him. How fucked up is that, really?
It's like I had already been beaten into submission. I had already given up on finding a person who is truly my twin flame, my soul mate, my perfect buddy.
There is a quote that I always remember from one of my favorite films, Moulin Rouge!
"We are creatures of the underworld. We can't afford to love."
What I want, more than anything, is to come home to someone who is eternally interested in me. For all of my flaws, all of my insecurities, and for all of the things I bring to the world, too. I could eat bread, butter, and water for the rest of my life if I could eat it with a handsome fellow smiling at me from across the room. Laughing with me over the simple, silly nuances of life. Someone to talk to about weird philosophy as we look at the stars. Someone to share the warmth of a cozy bed. Someone who thinks that my dreams are funded by love and dedication, not money.
I have also always thought that each failed relationship in my life teaches me something. I must say, this one was one of the craziest break ups I have ever had. It is only #2 on the crazy scale because #1 is like... full on dude needs mental help crazy. This relationship taught me to never give up on finding love. Love that truly makes me feel amazing. I am not saying that I wasn't in love with him, because I very much was. Some of the best nights of my life happened because of him. But so many of those nights were magical because we could afford to be there. I can't remember a night where we had a conversation that made my mind work for weeks. I can't remember a night where he did something so mind-boggling sweet, caring, and kind that I still reminisce about it. (Good fucking job, Ryan Ventura, you're still #1.)
All in all, I feel like it is just very simple to say that one sweet simple dork from Colorado changed my mindset from utter despair to the determination that got me to UCSC in the first place.
I have spent the last few hours, reading, writing, and listening to him play Halo over Skype. (Seriously.)
What is utterly fantastic is that we don't have to communicate, or do things together constantly to maintain a healthy relationship. I do not have to spend all of my hours on Skype trying to hold a conversation that just isn't happening. I am allowed to do something else, and he is not upset. He is not jealous that sometimes I want to go talk to people in TeamSpeak. He is not jealous of my relationship with other men. He understands that I can have friends who are male, who are not trying to get into my pants. (!!!) What is also fantastic is I haven't told anyone in my close friend group that he exists. I wasn't planning to for quite some time because jumping into a relationship right after a serious breakup is a pretty bad idea. But while it bugs him, because I know he wants to feel the validation, he does not pressure me to label us. He, at the end of the day, is just happy to spend time with me. He does not limit me. He does not control me. He only encourages me to do as much as I can because he believes that I am capable of amazing things. And the thing is, I believe him. In the past few months, I have regained so much of my determination and will to learn. I have set up study plans, I have made a daily mental health journal for myself. I even got the stickers. My time at preschool, while super stressful, garnered amazing friends and amazing experience.
I just, y'know...
am very grateful
for a single soul.
Oh and did I mention he can sing? Btu that he hasn't yet because he wants to make it amazing and memorable? Oh and he's nervous as fuck but yeah! You best watch our Ryan. Your #1 spot might be challenged sometime soon!
Just a note on grammar/editing here: for some reason the text editor is doing that thing where it highlights a letter and then doesn't let me add things without removing text. Annoying, hate it, will fix it later--
but then again, maybe I won't. I do enjoy the flow of my writing but sometimes I type so fast and so furiously that I kinda trail off into another idea before I am done fleshing out the first one!
Silly business.
But y'know, I am kinda done writing for now. A lot just happened.
And I think my sweetheart might be done playing Halo in a bit, and I am excited to fall asleep to his voice.
Did I mention that he can sing?
DID I?
Oh man. So exciting.
You know he also has two beautiful sisters that seem to adore him. And he loves dogs. He takes such good care of his older dog and it is the sweetest thing.
Well, it really is time to depart now. I gotta wash my face. I can't wait until he reads this later so he can be as happy as I am. Well, he might be, but I know this will put a smile on his face and that's all I can really ask for right now.
My face is recovering. It's gotten a little worse this week but it's doing better than it was.
:) Life is okay ~ labels to come much, much later, when I arrive back here to write again.
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