What Will Hopefully Be A Good Post~

Naked. Always naked. That's how I like to be.

I told Aaron Franklin that the other day.

I think he thinks I'm a little strange.

Whatevs!

I'm writing nice things, amusing things, 'cause I kind of sort of feel depressed as shit right now. XD

COOL DUDE.

Not really. Not at all.

Today. I woke up at 2:30 PM.

I spent most of the night with Jacob. Was up until the light of dawn.

(For your information, dear reader, nothing happened.)

I've done that... like... three times this week.

Should have done that... zero times.

Stupid stupid stupid. Not doing any good for anyone.

I let him be close to me. I've gotta have better self control. I've got to... stop giving in to how lonely I am.

I'm... just so sorry.

I've been really sorry, all day.

People always say how I push others away. And I'm well aware that I do. I just don't know how to keep people close to me anymore. I get scared. Hurt. I hurt easily... way more easily than I'd ever like to admit to myself or anyone else... but y'know!

This is what blogs are for.

Sadness. Ranting. Archiving it so I can look at my thoughts later and think, "Good lord, I'm so glad I'm not in that mindset anymore."

This blog has also been... one of the few places where I can think, uncensored.

Well, mostly uncensored. I have too many readers who have feelings to not be censored at all.

(I've already failed to meet my blog's original purpose. Oh well.)

I don't know. I don't know. I'm just so sorry.

Sorry for the drama, the pain, the stupid confusions I've caused this year...

See, I've always had this issue with self-esteem. If you've ever read this blog before, you know that. It's quite obvious.

But I've not doubted who I am... in quite some time.

Maybe I'm a problem. Maybe I'm too selfish. Too ambitious. Too uncaring and headstrong... never giving myself a break is what I do best. I'm also happiest when I'm busy. Idle hands are depression's playground. Ew. Cliche as fuck, but twisty cliche!

Stupid stupid stupid.

Why am I so stupid? Argh. So dumb. Can't see so many things. Always want what I can't have, what I can't reach.
I always want what I can't have because I believe in the impossible. Stupid. Stupid fucking dreamer, dude.

I spent the entire day in bed today. Watched anime until 8:30. Then I watched Mean Girls. Then I took a shower. Now I'm here, moping about on the internet. I feel pathetic. Not the kind of cute lazy pathetic that I perform, but really, really, pathetic.

There's too many lies going on in my head right now. I'm trying to convince myself of too many things.

Too many injured frendships that I will prolly just let slide, 'cause I don't have the mental capacity to deal with the anxiety that comes along with wanting to resolve things...

I'm scared of myself. And the person I've become. I've changed. I'm not the girl I was a few years ago. Not at all.

And for the first time in a long time, I don't know if I am okay with the person I am.

Er, going back to the self-esteem issues.

Have never thought I was pretty.
Have always thought I'm pretty fucking awesome.

I've always blamed my personality insecurities on my physical appearance.

Ex: I'm utterly convinced my acne comes from how stressed I am.
I'm stressed because I have massive anxiety issues.
I'm not exactly sure where my massive anxiety issues came from... but I'm gonna guess it prolly has something to do with not having the ability to trust people as much as I'd like....

Er, uh, I don't know.

Can we call this post soul-searching? I feel like I'm looking for something. A certain thought.

Or maybe I keep typing, because I know what that thought is, but am still too afraid to put it into written words. Y'know, the only language I speak/understand clearly?

Yeah, uh, I'ma be typing for a while longer if that's the case. Hah. XD

'CAUSE I DUNNNNOOO, BROOOO.

Oh! Wait!

Back to me hating my appearance:

I was talking to Ryan, once, and he told me:

"Darlene, people don't like you not because of what you look like, but because you're just too much for them. You're kinda crazy, y'know?"

At least, those words seem more of my own, but that's what I got out of it.

That was also right after he told me he didn't consider me to be one of his best friends...

So maybe I took it wrong? Maybe I was a little hurt... Hm...

Either way -- if I interpreted what he said correctly or no -- it got me to thinkin'.

Darlene, you're too crazy.

What makes me too crazy? Too much to handle? I don't understand. I was gonna say is it because I'm too honest with myself, and the rest of the world, but, yeah, that's funny... I'm totally not honest with myself, nor the world. Don't think I ever have been. Sure, I don't tell lies. I don't do things maliciously. That's just not me. But like... avoiding white elephants, pushing issues out of my mind, isn't that even worse? Isn't lying to yourself the worst thing you can do..?

FUCKING HELL I DON'T EVEN KNOOOOOOOOOOW.

And I keep wondering about Rubino.

Why me?
Whywhywhy...

I know he'd not really like me to say anything -- but, like, I really kind of need to/want to.

The want creates the need. I'm awful at bottling my feelings up, y'see?

Ug I just want to ask him so bad... why did that night happen? What the fuck?

My brain is so confused.

Erm. Hrm. That's not what this is about.

But maybe it is. Maybe this post is just about everything, ever, too.

Ugh... so many things on my mind.

Spring cleaning... so much clutter and junk in this head 'o mine...

Mmmmm... Tanner... so much to say about him...

But, as I feel right now, at this very moment, all I can think is, "Dear lord, I miss him."

It's been hard accepting that I'm not special to him anymore. Really hard. I actually thought I'd always have a special relationship with him. Dumb dumb dummmmb~

Tanner only cares about girls who don't make him uncomfortable. Who don't point out his flaws... who don't yell at him across the dinner table...

I understand why he doesn't care anymore. And it hurts, because both of us are far too stubborn to concede our view to be close again.

I'm always gonna think he talks down to me.
He's always gonna think otherwise.

I just... wish we could be friends again. But I can never, ever, pretend that there's not things that bother me about him again...

I will forever stick by my own thoughts -- until they're proven wrong... and I actually believe they're wrong. My greatest ally is myself.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here. I'm just really sad.

Oh. I do want to say that you were right about Smolich, Jacob.
One-hundred-complete-freakin'-percent-correct.

Yay, that's off my chest!

I don't know what else to talk about right now. I'm getting tired...

Can't wait to get back to SC tomorrow. I'm so sad about Alec, though.

Love the kid to death. Breaks my heart...

~.~

Maybe I feel a little better, maybe?

Ana's Been Reading My Blog!

Nananananananananananaaa

♥

Silly woman. :)

:)

Darling, I miss you so much...

You were my Romeo, throwin' pebbles...

I wanted to say yes...

oh the sadness... what is this shit....

ohaidrunkDarlene~

Lady Antebellum + Taylor Swift = TRAINWRECK HOLY FUCK

PRTR 80E - Final Paper

Darlene McCoy

Tandy Beal

PRTR 80E

16 March 2011

My Experience with Arts Education in the Community

            Last year, a good friend of mine, Mr. Ryan Ventura, told me about a class where I could dance with children for college credit – but I had already had my schedule set, and it just simply wouldn’t work out. This year, I found myself in the need of an additional class, so I asked him about it again. I asked him about the workload, the time commitment, and how the class ran overall. He told me that, “Aw, man, it’s nothin’. There’s not any hard work. It’s a good class to fill in that ‘I need to take a less-hard class so I don’t die this quarter’ spot in your schedule.” Well, my friend Ryan is either a liar, or has the worst memory ever. Whichever it is – I took this class because he told me it was awesome, and I’d have an easy time doing it. And while this class was indeed, awesome, the amount of work I ended up putting into it was much more than I had originally anticipated – not exactly my idea of “easy.” I’m not complaining, though. Taking Arts Education in the Community was one of the greatest things I’ve ever done, and I’ve learned so much by putting everything I had into it.

            I remember walking in on the first day: it was cold, and I was late because I didn’t know where I was going. (I’m a Lit Major, how am I supposed to know the Theater Department?!) I didn’t know exactly what to expect – but I found myself rather surprised when I ventured in. There was a group of people standing in a circle around an older woman (who I figured, of course, was the instructor) paying attention and whatnot. The woman suddenly yelled, “GO!” and these college students – scholars – just started running around like crazy. They ran to one wall, then another, and clapped and yelled out their full names. I had taken off my boots and jacket by then, and attempted to participate, but I was too shocked to think coherently. Finally, when everyone had finished what they were doing, the group reformed a circle. I was allowed to introduce myself, and I joined the class in doing more zany activities. From that day on, class was always fun. Always interesting. Always a joy, especially after two hours of Lit Theory.

But the point of Arts Education in the Community wasn’t to dance around all day – it was to teach children how to expand their minds. There was also a performance, to show off all their hard work, at the end of the program. We had only been dancing around to experience what we were going to teach our kids later.

We spent a month learning lesson plans, taking notes, and doing readings about teaching. We’d discuss teaching strategies and elements of teaching each class. We were eventually given our team members, our teacher, and our country. At that time, I became Team Ireland. I remember being incredibly excited to learn more about the country. In my eyes, Ireland is just simply fantastic. My two team members, Raquel and Fabian, seemed quite nice, and after we chatted a little, I became excited to work with them, too.

Our first teaching experience came upon us at the end of the first month. A class of second graders came to our classroom for a lesson. This first experience really wasn’t the greatest for me. It was hard. It was frustrating. There were a few fiascos that honestly, freaked me out. The first thing that ruffled my feathers was the team before us had planned to do the same thing with the kids as we had, even though they were a group that was supposed to do warm ups and focus activities, and we were supposed to do “Big Movement” activities. We more or less had to trash our plan – which was awful – because I had found music to go with our plan, and we had already worked out what we were doing with the team after us prior to that day. Luckily, we came up with another plan, and I could use my music with it, too. All was supposedly well, because I thought my teammates knew what they were doing. When our turn to teach came up, I went over to do the music, as we had planned, but my teammate forgot what he was supposed to do. I felt helpless, and incredibly frustrated, but I couldn’t blame him, because we had just come up with a new plan. I was aware how quickly children bore, and I didn’t want to see any expressions of boredom on their faces. I remember having to sort of yell things out to him – suggestions, ideas, anything – to keep the ball rolling. Luckily, because of this not-so-awesome experience, I learned that lesson plans must be made thoughtfully and carefully, and that improv lesson plans more or less just don’t cut it. I also learned that a back up plan is a fantastic thing – and that leaving home without one is just a bad idea for everyone.

The first time my team went to work with the kids is a time I’m not going to forget anytime soon. I was incredibly nervous. I’d never taught anyone anything before. I remember walking into the classroom, to all their smiling faces. They were so excited to meet us, and that helped my nerves quite a bit. After some short banter about Ireland and ourselves, we went with them to the school’s stage. Fabian did warm ups with them, and everything progressed smoothly until I had to run over to do the music for our next activity. For some reason, the CD player wasn’t working. The teacher, and Paula, another fantastic instructor for the class, ran over to help me figure out what was wrong. Fabian, out of a stroke of genius, distracted the kids long enough for us to figure out that the power plug was faulty. I learned, from that experience, that making sure all materials function before class is a good idea. After that, things went well during Raquel’s turn to teach. The kids enjoyed moving to the music, and they had quite a bit of fun. We had an activity that required a partner, so we asked the kids to find one. One of them, Julio, did not get picked right away, and instantly decided that he no longer wanted to participate at all. I ran over to our teacher, Ms. Peggy Jenkins, and asked for her aid. She somehow convinced him to participate again, but he was more or less not interested in what we were doing for the rest of the class. From that, I learned that sometimes, things just happen, and it’s okay to ask for help. I also learned that our team might have issues with Julio in the future, and that we should make sure he always got a partner! Overall, our first class was a success. We got through all the material we had planned for the day and they kids became more comfortable with us.

The second time we visited Ms. Jenkins’ class at Del Mar Elementary, Ms. Jenkins was not present. She had to be at a meeting, so we had a substitute. After we walked in and explained what we were doing, it was apparent that this guy did not care for our program in the least. It was quite distracting, and rather infuriating. After we taught the kids a little bit about Gaelic, we returned to the lovely stage! Our lesson plan for that day more or less ran very smoothly. The biggest hinge we had that day was the substitute himself. He was incredibly negative, and did not allow the kids to express themselves as much as they wanted. It was alright with us if the kids got a little wacky, but he tried to limit them too much for our comfort. Luckily, because the kids disliked the substitute so much, they paid incredible attention to us. They were very interested in doing what we had planned, and we got everything we needed to done that day. I had only a small problem with controlling the boys, because I’m sort of meek, and children do not know the meaning of mercy.

To our dismay, our substitute friend was back when we walked into the classroom for the third time. We skipped extra information on Ireland this time – we had work to do! I believe this class was our best class. The kids had become very comfortable with us, and they would get really excited when we walked into the room. Once again, the children’s dislike of the sub played to our advantage. We finished teaching the kids the components of their dance, and had a really good time doing so. I honestly can’t think of one thing that went wrong with this class – it was just so good. The sub did interfere, but he did so a lot less than the previous time, and the kids were blowing his negativity off. After that class, I had the feeling of “Wow, this project is actually shaping up to be even better than I thought.” It was an awesome one, and it gave me more confidence in myself and my team.

Peggy Jenkins made a comeback for our last lesson with the kids. We were all so glad to have her back. The fourth lesson was incredibly important to the program. We had to perform a dance the next morning, and we had 45 minutes to put everything we had learned during the quarter together! We worked the kids hard. They got a little frustrated at times, but they pulled through. At the end of the class, we got to show Paula all of our hard work – and honestly, it wasn’t going as well as I’d have liked it to at that time, but we were out of time, and there wasn’t exactly anything I could do about it.

The next morning, the kids put my nerves about the dance to rest. At our assembly, they performed amazingly. They were incredibly excited, and had so much energy! I loved pumping them up. It was so much fun! While we were performing, the audience started clapping in time with the music, and the experience was just extraordinary. We came off of the space denoted as the stage beaming, and after that morning, I had no worries about the following day’s performance. My kids were golden.

I had no worries, that is, until I developed an intense fever Friday night. I took medicine, and relaxed as much as possible, but I feared being sick the next day immensely. It’s not that I wouldn’t be able to attend the performance if I was sick – it’s that my energy level would not compare to that of the kids’, which would be hard on everybody. Luckily, I woke up the next morning, bright and early at 7 AM with the mindset of “I don’t even care if I’m sick. Today is going to be awesome.” I then cleaned my entire apartment, got dressed, and headed over to the Porter dining hall.

I remember looking for my kids as other team’s kids arrived. For a bit, I was a little nervous, but their faces sure cleared that up when I saw them! I took a group back to our homeroom for the day, and we talked a bit about the performance, and the green ribbons my team had brought for their hair. Someone then ran in to tell me that we were needed on stage, so we all headed over there. I had about seven or eight kids with me at the time, and I think only one of them was male, which was sort of an issue, because our dance encompassed a part that divided the kids up into two groups of girls, and one group of boys. I had to ask Paula to look for my other team members, because I couldn’t leave my kids, but man oh man, it was stressful. When Fabian came in, with a line of our boys behind him, my mind settled again. Our kids performed like champions during our practice run, even though Fabian spelled Ireland wrong!

After practice, we ate lunch, because all of the kids were starving for some reason. Then we began our tour of Porter College! We started at the Koi pond, because one of the kids, Miguel, had been to Porter before, and he got everyone else excited to see it. The kids had so much fun watching the fish. They were so amazed by how big some of them were. We headed over to face painting next, since for some reason, it was completely empty! The kids had so much fun getting Irish flags and Shamrocks painted on their faces. We even had enough time for them to get each cheek painted. I got an Irish flag for myself, because Team Ireland has intense spirit. After that, we started to head over to my apartment at Porter. While we were walking, it started snowing. Some of the kids had never seen snow before, and to be able to experience that with them was just magical. The snow also excited the kids to a rather crazy degree, and some of them ran ahead, down the Porter apartments alley, past my house. I will never forget trying to keep up with them, yelling “Teaaaaaaaam Irelaaaaaaaaand! What did we say about running ahead and how not to do it?!” Once I had caught their attention again, we walked back to my apartment. We were there for only a brief period of time, but they were amazed by the place. My roommate gave some of them oranges, which they were very grateful to receive. After the short but sweet tour of my house, we took the kids up toward the Porter Squiggle. They played on it, and with the snow, for a while. Then we all took a picture next to the Squiggle. Fabian then got their attention, and we played an intense game of Simon Says. My kids were so clever. They got Fabian and I a few times! After that, we had about fifteen minutes until performance time, so we headed back to the homeroom for a snack and bathroom break.

Ireland was fourth on the set list, so we did not have a whole lot of time to wait before our turn to perform. The kids kept asking me when we were going, because they were dying of anticipation. When our turn finally came, I feel like Team Ireland exploded onto the stage. Our music was so upbeat, so fun, and so lively. The kids performed brilliantly, as I expected they would. After we finished, I remember thinking to myself, “Wow, I just put an entire day’s worth of energy into a few minutes.” After our turn, I moved to the back of the line, and they watched the other performances.  Besides our performance, I feel like my favorite part of the event was when the masked man from Bali came on stage and started scaring the kids. They were so horrified – it was incredibly amusing. After the event, the kids were still ecstatic, and they went home as happy as they could be!

Our final visit with the kids was one of the best thirty minutes of my life. I got to talk with them, eat cookies, and tell them all how awesome they were. I received so many hugs, so many smiles, and such gratitude for my work, and it was one of the most amazing feelings I’ve ever felt. They even made a booklet, with pictures and letters from the entire class for each member of my team. It was honestly difficult to not cry fat tears of joy when they handed me mine. I will cherish it, forever. On our way out, we got the kids to gather in a circle and do a final “TEAM IRELAND” cheer. It was so hard to leave, knowing that I will probably never see them again, but all good things must come to an end.

This experience taught me so much about life, myself, and everything ever. It taught me that I am, actually, a leader, when I take charge of a situation and trust in myself enough to do it right. I learned that good team work can create amazing things. I learned a staggering amount about teaching, and working with kids. It’s one thing to read or think about teaching, but actually experiencing teaching is by far the greatest tool to learn by. I learned so many little quirks, so many little details, that I feel would differentiate between a good teacher, and a great teacher.

I was present at every class meeting and every lesson at the school. I did not even think about missing a single day of this class, or anything associated with it. Rain or shine, sickness or health, I was planning on being where I needed to be.

I worked my butt off for my team. I gave them my all, and I feel like they gave their all right back. We did not once have any issues, except for Fabian being a little grouchy due to lack of sleep and stress. Our team meetings were very simple: show up, get down to business, practice a bit, and then leave. I’d send in the lesson plan every Tuesday, because that was the day I sent in the first one, and I wanted to be consistent. We all participated in the meetings, wrote down the lesson plan, and bounced ideas off of each other. I specifically game my team our music, every ounce of energy in me, a third of our lesson plans and all the information on Ireland that we used (Fabian did the videos). Raquel specifically got the beads for the kids, and Fabian handled communication with Peggy. They both also contributed their fair share to the lesson plans.

Other members in the class inspired me. Namely: Ryan, Josh, and Bradley. Ryan inspired me by being awesome. During that first teaching experience, with the second graders, I remember watching him, as he taught, and thinking to myself “Wow, look at him go. He’s so good!” Seeing his ability and charm with the kids made me want to better myself. Josh was the first friend I made in class. He was my partner for the first teaching exercise in which we had to teach other members of the class a part of a lesson. I always felt like he looked up to me, in a way, I’m not exactly sure how, but because of it, I always felt the need to improve myself. Bradley was the first person in our class to make me feel completely comfortable. He is just so sweet and so bubbly and it made me feel so good to be around him. I felt that if I made a mistake, it would be alright, and not the end of the world. He gave me more confidence in myself, which, at the beginning of the quarter, was quite lacking! Tandy and Paula both inspired me so much. They are such amazing women who do such amazing things with their lives. They are champions of art education, and it makes me so happy to know that people like them exist. I feel like most of all, the kids inspired me. Their happiness made me work like a mad woman. Every time I’d return from class, I’d talk about them for hours and hours on end. They are just so amazing, so genuine, so sweet, and I was so happy to work with and for them.

Going into this class, I knew I would have trouble with finding confidence in myself to do well in it, but I had also always figured that I would come around eventually, and I did. While I knew that everything was going to be alright in the long run, I never knew how strong I could be. The kids inspired my strength. After I felt confident around them, that confidence leaked into other aspects of the class. I began to ask more assertive questions, take charge, and not be so quiet and in the corner!

The greatest obstacle in the class was myself, and I knew that was going to happen, but I didn’t expect to be so frustrated at the beginning of the class. I had tried my best, been prepared, and done all the work, yet something wasn’t happening, something wasn’t clicking in my brain, and I just found myself utterly frustrated at a lot of things in class. After I dealt with the confidence demon inside me, though, those frustrations went away, and everything was okay!

My biggest surprise in this course was how attached the kids became to me, and how much I became attached to them. Toward the end of our time together, they were my life. I honestly did not care about a whole lot else, and my ability to give that kind of commitment to anything surprised me, because I had not committed myself so much since when I was with my orchestra in high school.

Einstein once said that, “Imagination is more important than knowledge,” and I couldn’t agree more, for a simple logical reason. The human species would have never progressed further than the cave man without imagination. Nothing we have today would have been invented if great men of the past had not thought, “Well, what if I could do this? Is this possible? How can I do this?”

For this class, we were given a short pamphlet called, “We Can Work it Out,” which was about conflict resolution. While my team had no conflicts, because everyone was on top of their game, the book helped me after the class, because I had to mediate a rather sticky situation between two of my friends. I used some techniques presented in the book to resolve their conflict, so I am grateful that I took the time to read and digest it.

I will forever use this experience because I want to be a teacher one day. I don’t know if I want to teach children, but this experience solidified my love of teaching. I will present my notebook for this class to future potential employers. This experience taught me so much – I might even use some of the activities we did in class to entertain cousins! The uses for an experience such as this are boundless, and I cannot possibly think of all the different ways I will use the things I learned from this class. I can only be greatful for it.

Finally, my opinion on art education is that it is severely underrated. I played the viola for nine years, from the fourth grade to the end of high school. If I had not been in music, I would not be the person I am today. Music helped me learn how to express myself, how to work together with other people, how to communicate; it taught me everything. My music teachers, especially my high school orchestra teacher, Mr. Sims, inspired me so much to do great things with my life. Music pushed me to always continue to better myself – because a musician who thinks he’s good enough is not a musician at all. There’s always more to learn, more to see, more to experience in life, and music taught me that. Music, and being associated with art, has done so much for my life. It would be hard to express how important it is to me; because I wrote an eleven page paper on that last year, and I’m afraid I have to wrap this one up.

To close my thoughts on this class, I would just like to say that this class has been one of the greatest things I’ve ever done, and one of the best experiences of my life. I will forever remember it, my kids, my classmates, my teammates, my teachers – hell; I’ll even remember how awful that sub was. I feel like there will not be many other experiences in my life that will compare to this one, and I am forever grateful that I got to participate in a program that I believe is so important to education. Thank you, Tandy, so much, for being the person you are and organizing this amazing experience. Everyone involved gains so much from it, and I hope that Dance Around the World has many more fantastic performances to put on in the coming years, because I will be looking forward to seeing them!

French 3 Composition #2

Darlene McCoy
Renée Cailloux
French 3
14 Mars 2010

Mon Rêve Plus Tard

Dans l'avenir, je serai très contente avec ma vie. Je suis trop têtu, et je ferai le meilleur de ma vie. Maintenant, je veux finir mes études a l'universitaire, et puis, peut-être, trouver un homme. Après je finis mes cours, je enseignerai aux enfants pour un peu de temps. Mes amis me disent que je serai une enseignante excellente, mais je ne sais pas si je travaillerai avec les enfants ou les adolescents le plus bien. Si je travaillerai avec les enfants le plus bien, je resterai avec eux. C'est le même pour les adolescents. Je voudrai étudier plus, mais je ne sais pas si ce sera possible. J'aurai des difficultés avec tout le travail! Je voudrai enseigner l'anglais, ou la littérature. C'est pourquoi j'étudie la littérature maintenant! Dans mes rêves le plus fantastique, je enseignerai l'anglais en France. Ma vie serai parfait...
Je pense que je voudrai habiter à Santa Cruz. J'adore cette ville. Les personnes ici sont très agréable, et il fait souvent beau. Si je pourrai habiter dans une maison sur West Cliff... oh la la, ma vie sera super! Ma mère et moi adorons la plage, alors si j'habite à Santa Cruz, peut-être elle ira me voir plus souvent.
Je marierai quand je trouve ma personne, et puis, quand je suis prêt, je voudrai avoir les enfants. Je voudrai deux: une fille et un garçon. Je voudrai aussi un chat et un chien. J'adore les animaux!
Dans notre temps libre, ma famille et moi ferons la cuisine ensemble, et puis mangerons notre bon repas! Nous irons voir ma mère et mon frère. Nous jouerons sur la plage, et après, je me coucherai sur le sable.
J'ai beaucoup de rêves. Si je vis un, je serai une personne heureuse.

FRL! Self-Eval

Darlene McCoy

AMST 199F – The Fish Rap Live!

8 March 2011

FRL! Self Evaluation

So! During this quarter of Fish Rap, I did less things for the paper than I wanted to.  I would have really liked to contribute more, but around the time or our Sex & Gender Special Edition, I got ridiculously busy, and didn’t have enough time to produce a full article of quality work. I knew my time wouldn’t be so constrained after late February, so I decided that I could help contribute more to the paper in the next issue. Sadly, the next issue didn’t happen, so neither did my contributions to it.

The first thing I wrote for Fish Rap this quarter was the article “Puke Like a Pro.” I really enjoyed writing this one – it’s sort of a compilation of the adventures of my friends and I (especially me…) with vomit. It was the only thing that ran this quarter, but I don’t have a copy of it in the paper because I’ve only got one issue with it left and that’s for my Mom!

At production for the first issue we put out this quarter I got to make fun of Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” lyrics, but the work didn’t run. I don’t exactly have  a copy of the work I did for it, save a bunch of scribbles in my notebook, because I did it at production and turned it in there.

For the next issue, I wrote two very short pieces on dog sex toys. I more or less liked how they came out, but honestly, I’m not even sure what I should say about them. The idea of sex toys for dogs is weird. The articles didn’t run.  I also did not attend production at all. I was super busy that weekend, and I thought I was going to be able to contribute more later in the quarter.

For the last issue of the quarter, my friend and I were working on what we called “Pokemon Blow Jobs.” It was more or less a evaluation of the original 150 Pokemon in the field of blow jobs. We had three categories: best, worst, and honorable mention. I’ve got the notes, which I was going to present to someone as a rough draft at our meeting last week, but since we didn’t do that… another weird as hell idea can be laid to rest.

Basically, I’m really proud of my puke article, and wish I could’ve done more this quarter. If I were to give myself a grade, I’d probably give myself a B-. I went to every meeting (I think), but missed a production. I contributed to one issue, but kind of fell shy of really contributing to the second. The poor third issue didn’t exist!

Lit 101 - Essay #2, Rewrite

Darlene McCoy
Jody Greene
Lit 101
8 March 2011
Shakespeare's Staggering Influence on Society
    In Peter Stallybrass' essay, "Editing as Cultural Formation: The Sexing of Shakespeare's Sonnets," he claims that the making of genders and sexualities are materially embedded in the historical production and reproduction of texts. To reach this conclusion, he states that the post-Enlightenment concept of "literature" was a primary site of the formation of sexualities. He then uses the words of Walter Thomson, to comment that, Shakespeare, in the 19th century, was "the supreme literary ornament of our race." Next, Stallybrass employs the work of Edmond Malone to state that the Sonnets are central to understanding the inner workings of Shakespeare's life. The text of the Sonnets implies that Shakespeare may have committed the act of sodomy or have been a pederast. The implications of Shakespeare's character brought about the mass editorial work of 18th century editors, for they were not in accordance with their literary champion's association with pederasty and sodomy. And finally, the editorial work of 18th century editors, since it was mass-distributed to the public through academia, and therefore culturally relevant, brought about two different narratives of sexuality in soceity: heterosexual sex is normal and accepted, while homosexual sex is deviant from the norm and unacceptable. Thus, the making of genders and sexualities are materially embedded in the historical production and reproduction of texts.
    After the introduction to his piece, Stallybrass historizes the production and reproduction of Shakespeare's Sonnets. He begins with John Benson, who published his version of the Sonnets in 1640. His version - an editorial mutilation of the Sonnets, in which he reordered them, gave some individual titles, combined others into larger poems, changed many a "he" to a "she," and added poems of his own to - prompted Edmond Malone to translate Shakespeare's work in order to preserve the character that wrote them. Many a scholar replied hysterically to Malone's work: the first Stallybrass mentions is John Boswell. Boswell, appalled at Shakespeare's implied character in Malone's translation, defends him by stating that:
    (1) In the Renaissance male-male friendship was expressed through the rhetoric of amorous love. (2) Shakespeare didn't love the young man anyway, because he was his patron, and the poems are therefore written in pursuit of patronage. (3) The poems are not really about love or friendship, because sonnets are conventional. They are, then, less about a young man or a dark lady than about Petrarch, Ronsard, Sidney, and the like (a boy's club, but not that kind of boy's club). (4) Malone was wrong, and the sonnets are, after all, a miscellany. They "had neither the poet himself nor any individual in view; but were merely the effusions of his fancy, written upon various topicks for the amusements of a private circle."
Boswell's defense of the Sonnets set the precedent to the ideas presented in further defenses of Shakespeare's character: many followed the same thought process. Stallybrass uses Boswell's words to demonstrate the logical flaws in the arguments of the men who shaped Shakespeare, so that the reader can clearly see that Shakespeare has evolved from the man he once was to aman defined and debated over by countless numbers of editors.
Another scholar who replied to Malone's work was the critic George Steevens. His work criticized Malone's translation by pointing out that specifically, the phrase "man-mistress," while used by Shakespeare in the form of praise, has been used before in describing disgust, and may have a different meaning than the one Malone thought to have been implied by Shakespeare's text. More or less - Malone may have been wrong in his translation due to words having multiple meanings. Malone, in defense of his work, responded to Steeven's criticisms, saying that in Shakespeare's time, an address to a man as delicate as one found in the Sonnets was customary to the times, and did not imply "criminal" acts or affections. He continues, saying that to judge Shakespeare's words by modern times and customs is as absurd as judging his plays by the rules of Aristoltle. Malone's answer did not satisfy Steevens, who, in his next edition of Shakespeare's work, did not include the Sonnets - not because Malone failed to translate them correctly, but because his work was disgraced by the "objects of their culture." In the next century, Steevens' work received the same treatment that Malone's did - many a scholar took it upon himself to correct its "flaws."
    With each new edition of his work published, Shakespeare became more and more heterosexualized, yet, the blatant, unreasonable, heterosexualizing of his character only pointed to his possible homosexuality. These hysteric and illogical attempts to cover up Shakespeare's sexuality imply that homosexuality is not acceptable. When a text is mass-produced and distributed through academia, as the Sonnets were, since Shakespeare was considered one of the greats of the literary canon, its ideas and implications assimilate themselves into public thought and society. Therefore, literature aided in the creation of genders and sexualities.
    Stallybrass states, through his essay, that literature can aid in the formation of culture. To expand on his idea, he could define his idea of culture, and then explain why culture is relevant to human life. Then, he could ask more specific questions, such as: "How would the world differ if Shakespeare's character implied by Malone's work was accepted, as it was, and not altered to an extreme degree? Would society have been more accepting of different sexualities if those who edited Shakespeare were? And if society was more accepting, how would historical events associated with homosexuality have differed? How many lives could have been saved during the AIDs epidemic? And would society ever have felt the need to put Oscar Wilde on trial for his work?" and then give his answers for an even more expansive discussion of his topic.

National Porn Association Announces Tumblr as Porn Site of the Year

Fish Rap Headlines.

Uggghhh...

I was really upset when I wrote that last post... also very... rant-y.

I got to find out more things later in the day yesterday... didn't get to post about them until now...

What I was originally told 'bout happenings downtown was totally skewed, and because it was skewed, it upset me a lot... I am a victim of bullshit as well... ugggggggghh

Either way... my brain... it hurts... I am tired...

Imma just leave it at:

I'm sorry. I love you all. :/

In Regards to Linus, Tyler, and being a "Drama-Infested Middle Schooler."

Dear anyone who gives a fuck:

I am extremely offended that people 1) created sides 2) took sides 3) threw insults. Ya'll realize that if you had told him to shut up, I'd not be pissed off and writing this now, yeah? I'm not going to sit here and insult anyone, though. I'm just going to explain why I, and some others (the fucks given now are 0) are upset.

While this piece involves Linus and Tyler, this is more of a defense of all the people who have a legitimate reason to be mad, and their right to not be insulted for feeling that way.

I feel like the biggest problem with this issue is the source of information was quite faulty, and a misunderstanding of the situation, on either side, would lead to a split on opinions. It has a few grey areas that can be twisted to promote either side...

To be frank: I didn't give a fuck at first. It was none of my damn business. I'm involved in this as a mediator because one friend wronged another, and I'd like one to feel better, and the other to learn and grow from this experience. I also wanted to make it possible to resolve this issue, because man oh man, the giant shitstorm it could cause would be one for the ages. Some resolution came about yesterday, but the situation is still complicated because I personally don't feel like all the facts have been brought to the table. Also: if I were not there, yesterday, to run as emissary between the two, set up a conversation, and mediate said conversation, Linus would have not really given Freshman a chance. Sometimes, it's good to have a middle person involved to resolve a conflict. Sometimes, shit really isn't your business, but you can help, and there's not a damn thing wrong with wanting to help other human beings. Linus and Freshman were both very appreciative of all I have done in this situation.

Because I was called a Middle Schooler, I now personally give a fuck, and while it is quite juvenile and not of my nature to respond to such a stupid accusation, I've been feeling quite rant-prone and am going to do so anyway... fucking tired of having mad shit talked about me, being aware of it, and doing nothing to stop it, 'cause I want to keep my friendships strong. But thinking about it: in the end, if I've got friends who speak so poorly of me behind my back, what do I have? Nothing. And I'm not okay with that. I want real friends who will treat me with the same kindness and respect I strive to treat them with. (Not saying I'm perfect, but fuck you if you don't think I genuinely try to be a good person.)

{End short tangent.}

{Back to the subject matter.}

I'll tell you right now, the other people up here give even less fucks. We're not upset that Tyler got with a girl - in fact, we're more than happy, he might be on track to get a life of his own - but the way in which he went about his actions was utterly disrespectful to Linus, and that's not okay.

Now, to explain why we're upset:

Earlier that day, before the party, we'd all been having lunch together, and Freshman brought up that he had invited Cassandra (which, was sketchy on its own, it wasn't his place to do so). He explicitly stated that, "I am not going to touch her for 2 months out of respect for Linus." He did exactly the opposite. Sure, he didn't go into the party with foul intentions, but he did not act the way he intended. This is a character flaw, the kid says one thing, and does another. It doesn't matter that he was drunk. When has that ever been a valid excuse for anything other than vomiting or falling over? So, why shouldn't we be upset that he deceived, even though there was no malicious intent, us (specifically, the people at lunch that day), and more importantly, Linus?

The other reason why people are upset is Linus had no closure. On their last date, Casandra told him that she was not ready for a relationship, and that she might be very interested later. While I'm aware this basically means "No, I'm not interested," in girl-speak, Linus himself did not understand it as such, thus he had no closure. He believed that there was still a strong chance for a relationship. If the situation was simply, they dated, and now they're not, Freshman would be totally in the right, but that's now how the cookie crumbled. His actions show a complete disrespect toward and disregard of Linus and his feelings. And now, I know ya'll don't give two fucks about Linus, but if it were say, Asher and Liz, I feel like this would be more of a big deal. Just because the situation involves Linus, it doesn't make it okay.

I'm going to use different people in an example here... to show my point...

Say when uh, Tanner and I broke up, Tanner obviously still had a lot of feelings for me... (Tanner you can debate this if you want, I'm just using this as an example, ok?) And if uh, let's say, Cameron  were to totally disregard his feelings, and attempt to woo me (weird...), especially with the understanding that Tanner was still very emotionally involved with me, wouldn't you guys consider that a dick move? And furthermore, Tanner and I had officially "broken up," and there was no longer a chance for a relationship to develop... but I feel like Cameron would still be considered to have done something "wrong" to Tanner. Why isn't it the same for Linus? Because he's kind of a dick?

To elaborate further on Freshman's lack of respect: a person who was sober has told me that Freshman uttered, almost word for word, "Linus deserves it, because he's such a dick to me all the time." While understandable, because Linus isn't really the easiest of fellows to get along with, the reasoning here is not only immature, but completely disrespectful, and furthermore, said maliciously. AKA: not okay. It also demonstrates that Freshman was aware that his actions would hurt Linus. Why? Because he was aware that Linus was still involved with her... still attached...

His defense to the above is:
"I thought Linus was reacting much in the same way any guy would around someone he dated. I thought he was upset because that's what guys do. They get upset when they see someone they were once involved with with another person. They get pissy."

A grey area. It's Freshman's word that you have to either take or leave here.

More reason: most of us up here believe that Freshman was aware that Linus was still very attached to Cassandra. His defense is that he simply "forgot" a one-on-one conversation between himself and Linus regarding her specifically. Freshman recalled that, during that conversation, he said, "No, I do not like her, I just want to hang out with her." (Probably phrased less simply, and with less words, but meh.) His recognition of what he said is enough evidence for me that he did in fact remember said conversation, and conveniently "forgot" that the conversation took place when he was confronted about it. If he could have at the very least approached Linus and told him that he changed his mind, Linus, at that point, could be upset, 'cause competition sucks, but he could not be upset at Tyler for being up-front and honest with him. And I believe that he wouldn't be.

Another defense of Freshman's is that, "Linus doesn't talk to me, so how could I know he was interested in her?" I'm pretty sure the kid lives at my place, and hell, even Alec, our socially awkward I don't give a fuck champion, knew that Linus was crazy about her. My reaction is just simply: really? He had a whole fucking conversation with Linus about this matter... I cannot seriously believe that he can be that dumb. The logic does not work in my mind.

Another grey area: his word versus logical reasoning. 

I'd also like to take the time to point out that he went straight to the downtown house after the incident. While I did tell him to stay away from my place for a while, to let Linus calm himself, I see Freshman going to the downtown house as a demonstration of his guilt... while I am aware that Ryan initially gave him a hi-five for his "victory" the night before, and that is what started conversation, Freshman told me that his intention in going to the downtown house was, "I just wanted to make sure they weren't all pissed at me." What he did, in addition to that, was tell his story so that what happens seems like no big deal, in order to make himself feel better, because the kid isn't stupid, and he's well aware that he dun goofed. And with a situation that can be swayed to either side, well, it's quite understandable that one could perceive someone being upset about it as acting childish, or being a "Drama-Infested Middle Schooler," to quote.

To further my argument: I'm also going to point out that this is not the first instance in which Tyler has been all over a girl who he should have not been. I'm not going to go into the details, but the fact that this has happened twice now is even more reason to be upset. He's not learning.

Either way, please don't call me a drama-infested middle schooler again. I really don't like it, nor does anyone else here (though we did have a good chuckle!) I personally do not get mad at anyone unless I've got a legitimate reason to be, and I believe that the utter lack of respect for Linus is plenty reason for me to be upset. His lack of respect for Linus tells me that, in the future, he is quite capable of disrespecting others. This is not okay. My friends, people who aren't my friends, and random ass human beings all deserve respect.

I'd also like to point out that, while I just wrote a almost quite literally essay on this matter, people are not nearly as pissed off as I make it out to be, save Linus. I have a way in writing that comes off as very intense, because I'm extremely meticulous in my arguments, and I just want to make sure that all who read this post know that I'm not sitting here, as if I were a cauldron of fucked up potato soup, boiling over like a crazed loon. Additionally, it is very hard to convey human emotion in the written word, (at least compared to speech) so I've written this paragraph to soften any hard edges of this statement.

But honestly, in the end, all I want to say is: I feel like if we, as an entire group, could talk things out, and come to a singular conclusion rather than have each side spread rumors, insult one another (I'm not saying On Campus people are innocent, by any means, so you know) and jumble information, drama would not be that big of a deal. But it's going to take all of us acting like the adults we tell ourselves we are to do something like that. And sadly, with our history, I don't see it happening anytime soon.

Thanks for readin' & toodles!

Edited once at about 10:00 AM, after Lit.