FRL! Article Sex & Gender Special Edition 2011

Doggie Toys - Rough Drafts
FRL! Rough Drafts - Darlene McCoy

Single's Side
Furever Alone
Distraught, deranged, or downright depressed by your single status this Valentine's Day? Drowning yourself in your favorite carton of Ben & Jerry's ice cream? Retreating into your bedroom to give yourself the only pleasure available? Enjoying what you can of your sad splendor? Your pup is probably watchin' - watchin' with those big ole' brown eyes of his, thinkin' to himself, "Me too man, me too." He's yearnin' for the lovin' that you give yourself. He's yearnin' for the feeling of release. Dear reader: did it ever cross your mind that your puppy has never experienced Valentine's Day? Ever? He's never experienced the joy that you're missing so sorely. He's never been with that "special someone." He can't even wank what's left of his mutilated weasel. You've done all you can for yourself, now do something for him. Get him a doggie lover doll. He'll be able to release all of his tensions. You guys can even get down to business together! Together, on Valentine's Day. In rhythm, in time, maybe even at the same time, if ya know what I mean. Share the pain of singleness with your pup, doodle yo' noodle with that dog -- you'll be even closer than ever before! Man's best friend, indeed.

Couple's Side
Please Yo' Pooch
Enjoying making plans with your significant other for the big V-Day this weekend? Thinkin' about the wonderful, romantic, kinky or just fuckin' nasty shit ya'll are gonna do? Well, dear asshole with a significant other: your pup is missing out on the fun. He's all alone. All he can do is lick his genitalia. How would you feel, lickin' you balls on Valentine's Day? First you remove him from his manhood, and then you enclose him in a space where all the good puppy-lovin' 'round the hood is just out of paw's reach? What the hell kind of person are you? Do your poor helpless pooch a favor this holiday -- buy him a friend. A silicone friend, with a silicone puppy-vag. (It's even easy to clean!) Your legs, and significant other will thank you for it.

Before:


After:

More Axolotls!

EVER SINCE I WROTE ABOUT THESE LITTLE GUYS I LIKE THEM A LOOOOOOOOT.

AND THIS IS REALLY CUTE:



I'M REALLY COMFORTABLE, THEREFORE THIS BLOG POST IS IN ALL CAPS.

I'M WAITING FOR WILL (READ: CUTE GUY I'VE BEEN CHATTING WITH LATELY) TO FINISH SOME PROJECT SO I CAN CHAT WITH HIM FOR ABOUT 30 MINUTES BECAUSE I HAVE TO GET UP AT THE CRACK OF DAWN BECAUSE FUCK EVERYTHING. OMG CAPS ARE SOOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOL.

MY LEGS FEEL SO AMAZING. SO DOES MY HAIR. I LOVE SHOWERS. I LOVE SAYING "I'M GOING OFF TO GET HOT, WET, AND NAKED."

MWAHAHAHAHAHA. MURRRRHURHURHUR ♥

CUTE CUTE CUTE CUTE



AND SUPER CUTE DOOOOOOOOOOOODLES IN PINK!
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
MAN, I THINK I'M BORED. PHILLIP MADE US BANANA PANCAKES.AND WE PUT NUTELLA ON THEM. WHICH WOULD BE TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME, EXCEPT, I'VE GOT TO WRITE ON DEREK ATTERIDGE AGAIN. FUCK MEEEE!
GOD DAMNED STUPID LIT CLASSES TAKIN' OVER MY LIFE 'N SHIT.
I DO HOMEWORK FOR FUN NOW. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.
AT LEAST WHEN I WAS OBSESSED WITH VIDEO GAMES, I FELT LIKE I ACCOMPLISHED SOME THINGS WITH MY DAY... XD DUNNO HOW THAT WORKS, BRO.

OMG CAPS. OMG CAPS. SO MANY CAPS FOR SO MUCH COMFORT. I THINK I MAY CHANGE THE FONT OF THIS POST TO MAKE IT EASIER ON THE EYES, THOUGH.

OR MAYBE I FEEL LIKE THIS POST IS FUNNY, IN SOME STUPID IRONIC WAY THAT ONLY I CAN FIND FUNNY.
MAYBE. I'VE GOT AN ODD SENSE OF HUMOR. BUT EMMY LIKED MY GAGA HUMOR, SO IT'S GOOD. ^^/

OH RIGHT, CUTE DOODLE:
WAIT, BEFORE DOODLE:

I ONLY WROTE ALL THAT SHIT SO THERE COULD BE SOME TEXT IN BETWEEN PICTURES. I DON'T LIKE THE WAY A BUNCH OF PICTURES ALL TOGETHER LOOKS. 'CAUSE I'M CRAZY, AND KIND OF OCD.

NOW, DOODLE:


EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Random .gifs III

Lit 1 Final Essay - Axoltl, Julio Cortarzar

Darlene McCoy
Madeline McDonald-Lane
LIT1
8 December 2010

When Words Fail, Actions Speak

    Paris during the 1950s embodied the center of the French existential movement. It is no wonder, then, that a scholar should pick up on the ideas that swirled about the city of lights. Julio Cortazar, that said scholar, did so, and found himself attracted to the works of Jean-Paul Sartre.  Sartre advanced the existential movement though his written work, and Cortarzar, not just a scholar, but an author as well, digested his dogma. He regurgitates what he read in his short story, Axolotl. The events and concepts implemented in the tale provide examples that explain Sartre's concepts.
    Axolotl, which spans only a few pages, recounts a tale about an unnamed boy who becomes so entranced and obsessed with the axoloti in a local aquarium that he himself transforms into one. He enters the aquarium due to his boredom with everyday life, as defined by the panthers and lions he would otherwise go see. An axolotl is a type of Mexican salamander that does not undergo metamorphosis, so it remains in its larval state for the rest of its life. Gills remain attached to the side of an axolotl's face, and deep penetrating eyes set themselves in their ghost-like transparent faces.
    Axolotl presents a boy, but gives no information as to where he lives, his family, or anything significant in his life. The information given - he currently roams about Paris, and is an inquisitive and curious being - says nothing about how he externalizes himself in society. After the first time he sees the axoloti, he seeks more information and comes upon them up in an dictionary at the local library. He discovers that "specimens of them had been found in Africa capable of living on dry land during the periods of drought, and counting their life under water when the rainy season came" (161). This phrase foreshadows the deep empathy the boy will feel for the lonely axoloti later, which creates the mood of the piece. The reader relates to the boy's curiosity, which sparks a connection and interest in the story.
    Sartre writes that, the past of a human being is irrelevant, because a human can always change who they are. Cortarzar does not take the time to compose the boy's background because it does not matter: he creates a character as an example to explain Sartre's thought. No matter who or what the boy is, the capability to reconstruct his life in any manner he means to will not elude him, for he is human. It just so happens that he physically reconstructs his life into that of an odd-looking salamander. To further emphasize this point, Cortarzar at first conceives the notion in the boy's head that the axoltols have some secret agenda, some romantic idea, to "abolish space and time with an indifferent immobility" - he learns later that they just simply exist, and that their existence is not as romantic as he once thought (162). The conscious decision to change his mind about the axolotls renders his previous thoughts, his previous history with the axoloti, irrelevant.
    The idea that a human being paints his own portrait of himself by his actions, encompasses a large portion of Sartre's work. In Axolotl, the boy returns time and time again to observe the axoloti. "It got to the point that I was going everyday, and at night I thought of them immobile in the darkness, slowly putting a hand out which immediatley encountered another" (163). He lies awake at night, and contemplates their existance. He ponders their situation, wondering if their reality is one giant blur of life, "Perhaps their eyes could see in the dead of night, and for them they day continued indefinitely. The eyes of axolotls have no lids" (163). As each day passes, the boy becomes more and more obsessed and repeats his dismal actions. During the last day of his humanity, he realizes the truth of the axoloti's reality. His empathy then overcomes him, envelops him, buries him alive in the body of an axolotl. He is no longer human: he transforms into an axolotl. "No transition and no surprise, I saw my face against the glass, I saw it on the outside of the tank, I saw it on the other side of the glass. Then my face drew back and I understood" (164). Cortarzar defines the boy's actions clearly so that the reader may absorb Sartre's concept. Existance preceeds essence - the boy transforms into an axolotl because he acts like an axolotl, not because he defines himself as one. He acts in the same way, over and over again, mindlessly, he concentrates only on them. The axoloti imprison his brain. They become his reality, and he becomes them. If, in his mind, he defined himself as an axolotl, he would only be deceiving himself. He would not truly be an axolotl, but a human being who believes he is an axolotl.
    Sartre claims that the freedom to choose is a defining trait of humanity. He rejects determinism - each human being is not set on a determined path because they have a choice in how to respond to naturally determining factors. Humans have the ability to change their lives. When the boy becomes an axolotl, he loses his humanity; he loses his freedom to choose. "The horror began - I learned in the same moment - of believing myself prisoner in the body of an axolotl, metamorphosed into him with my human mind intact, buried alive in an axoltl, condemned to move lucidly among unconscious creatures" (164). He cannot choose to be outside of the aquarium tank; he cannot even choose where to sit in the tank, the other axoloti fill in the remaining minuscule space. "But that stopped when just a foot grazed my face, when I moved just a little to one side and saw an axoltol next to me who was looking at me, and understood that he know also, no communication possibly, but very clearly" (164). Cortarzar employs the boy's thoughts again to demonstrate Sartre's concept. Without the freedom to choose, humans lose their identity as humans because they can no longer define themselves through their chosen actions.
    In the story, the boy relates the axoloti to humans. He feels as if he can connect with the axolotl, even if they relate to him as remotely as a present-day monkey does. He notices this feeling instantaneously, "There's nothing strange in this, because after the first minute I knew that we were linked, that something infinitely lost and distant kept pulling us together" (161). For some reason, he senses the humanity in these animals, but finds himself incapable of an explanation for his feelings. He describes their faces as being Aztec-like, their feet as "ending in tiny fingers with minutely human nails," and their eyes as having the ability to look and know (162-163). He even goes as far as to say, "They are not animals" (163). If not animals, what? The boy develops a deep empathy for the axolotl, as he would with other human beings, because he feels so closely related to them. "I caught myself mumbling words of advice, conveying childish hopes. They were not human beings, but I had found in no animal such a profound relation with myself" (163).
    Axolotl touches upon Sartre's idea that humans should be treated as subjects, not objects. They should look further than the roles society gives them, and find themselves. The axoloti remain caged and cramped in their dreary reality, and since the axoloti and humans correlate in this story, the boy feels even more empathy for them. He feels as if they are being treated as merely objects, not as the living, breathing, thinking creatures they are to him. The world views them gilled salamanders in a tank, there for viewing pleasure. The idea that the axoloti may have conscience thought escapes the world. When the boy transforms he feels his own conscience, "I am an axolotl for good now, and if I think like a man it's only because every axolotl thinks like a man inside his rosy stone semblance" (164-165). He feels as if the axolotl think like he does, because they endure the same reality.
    As his obsession progresses, the boy mentions the encasing glass more frequently. In his narrative, he uses the phrases, "against the glass" and "the other side of the glass," and by doing so, he unconsciously notes the separation between he and the axoloti. This separation, he realizes, is not merely just, but is also a confinement for the creatures. Through this analogy, Cortarzar draws a conclusion about the human condition as defined by Sartre. The axolotl are imprisoned in their aquatic cell; humans are imprisoned on Earth. They must all work and die together, no matter their historical background or role. Not one can escape the condition set to them. The boy forms this bond with the axolotl because though he is unaware, he shares the same fate that they do. Once he becomes an axolotl, he realizes his condition, and despairs - he knows that there is nothing he can do to change his condition. "Only one thing was strange: to go on thinking as usual, to know. To realize that was, for the first moment, like the horror of a man buried alive awaking to his fate" (164).
    Sartre address the idea of despair. He says that, humans naturally limit themselves to think about only the things they can control in their lives, and when they realize that they cannot control some things that are very important to them, they find themselves in anguish and despair. The axolotls realized their fate, and now wait, for that is all they can do, until their situation changes. "They were lying in wait for something, a remote dominion destroyed, an age of liberty when the world had been that of the axolots. Not possible that such a terrible expression which was attaining the overthrow of that forced blankness on their stone faces should carry any message other than one of pain, proof of that eternal sentence, of that liquid hell they were undergoing." (164). Once the boy realizes that the axolotls are aware of their situation, he cannot help but feel more empathy for them. "They were suffering, every fiber of my body reached toward that stifled pain" (164). He longs for them to be free, as he is, but as he obsesses more and more, he relinquishes his freedom, and becomes more like the prisoners he attempts to empathize with.
    The boy in the story describes the axolotol's eyes in great detail. "And then I discovered its eyes, its face. Inexpressive features, with no other trait save the eyes, two orifices, like brooches, wholly of transparent gold, lacking any life but looking" (162). They mystify him. He cannot fully understand anything taking place behind those perplexing eyes. Once he becomes an axolotl, he acquires the mindset to be able to comprehend their plight. He attains another form of sight, and he can never return to the way he once was. Existentialism introduced the world to another way of thinking and seeing. Once its ideas ran through the mainstream public, many lives were changed, and many eyes opened to a new form of vision.
    One can see only his reality, and his reality differentiates from every other being's. The tank encloses the limit of the axoloti's reality. Because there is nothing but the tank and one another - the axoloti evolved into creatures so numb to their reality that they fail to acknowledge each other, or anything else. "It was useless to tap with one finger on the glass directly in front of their faces; they never gave the least reaction" (162-163). Trapped in the abyss of their own worlds, the axoloti relate to humans, forever burdened by the human condition.
    The beginning and end of this piece tie one to another and create a continuous cycle. A typical story opens with such a line as, "There was a time when I thought a great deal about the axolotls" (161). It prepares the reader for what is to come in the following text. The end of Axolotl, "And in this final solitude to which he no longer comes, I console myself by thinking that perhaps he is going to write a story about us, that, believing he's making up a story, he's going to write all this about axolotls" brings the story around to the first line - an introduction to a story about axoltols (165). The reader feels trapped in this cycle, in the sphere of the story. The form duplicates the story: a boy finds something that interests him, he obsesses over it, and eventually becomes it. His thoughts alter from that of a free boy to an axolotl confined to a small space and bleak reality - a reality that is as horrible as being buried alive. The piece itself is quite perplexing, and entices the reader into thinking about what took place in the few pages read. Axolotl is a warns against feeling too much empathy; it is a cautionary tale. Too much empathy will overcome a person because understanding another being to the fullest extent is impossible. Even though the boy puts himself into the same situation as the axoloti, he cannot understand completely what each and every one feels about their situation, because they cannot fully communicate. This relates to the idea of the human condition in the sense that one human, even in the same situation, cannot feel the same exact way as another; one axolotl, even in the same situation, cannot feel the same exact way as another. They are the same, yet different, because their actions have defined who they are in the world, and no person save the individual himself can understand one's thoughts and experiences.

The Weekend of the Captain!

I've sure been doin' a lot of these recap thinggers lately... prolly 'cause I've got time on the weekends to blog blog blog 'til my daddy takes my computer away~ ♪♪

Man, that's silly. Duurrrrrr hurrrr hurrrr ...

So, wtf am I goin' to talk about today? I guess I should start with Friday, don't think anything huge and/or significant happened during the week.

Friday was cool: Rocky Horror. My friend Stephanie was Janet, and she was adorable. So awesome. I danced on stage with Ana and Cory, and it totally made my night! Besides, my legs looked awesome in those heels. Ohhh baby. :]

Ladies!

That night basically consisted of Cpt. Morgan, Rocky, order pizza, pass out. It was good, it was chill. No depressed Darlene, ftw.

THE NEXT DAY! Saturday!

I got up and dressed around noon. Left my place around 1:45. Went to a house on Ocean street for a house show. Stayed until like, 6 something. Silly Creature was awesome, as usual, Time Machine was... pretty good? And Zeyphr's band was a FUNK band and it impressed me quite a bit! So cool! Voto was also there for a while makin'... beats? Or something... dunno... with a pedal board. Neat neat neat!

After that, Pranov and I went to Taco Bell. We feasted. Crunchwraps, hooo!
Wes was also with us. Is it bad that I'm basically totally sketched out by him? Hah...
THEN we went to the Pacific Cookie Company to see Max (Pranov's friend) annnnnnnnnnd we got some cookies. I had a chocolate covered snickerdoodle.

Friends are good, right? I think so.

We went to the downtown house for a bit afterward. I think Pranov was in the bathroom or something, because Wes and I were chillin' in the front room by our lonesomes for a while. Sort of weird, but whatever. We decided to roll out to Church House early to try and avoid the storm getting any worse. Dunno if it was a good call or not... heh

We ended up at Church House at like 7:40. 'Bout 20 mins early, but there were people there already anyway. No biggie. We just attempted to dry off and hung out for a bit. Church House has stadium seating now and it's awesome!

Riley showed up next. The boys had some beer, they were content. A little wet, but content~ ♪♪

Then Cory, Freshman, Logan, and Tanner showed up. I was joined on the couch for a bit, but then people were like "HOMYGOD BEER PONG GOOOOOO!" Annnd I ended up warmin' the couch by myself for a while. Was nice. Relaxing. I was super tired from the like... 4 hours of music earlier, anyway.

I finally got up to go watch some pong. I was interested in their rules... comapin' 'em to our Rancho rules. We play hardcore pong in the 'Cho. Intense shit, y'know?

I feel like Rory would have been proud. Hah.

Anyway, during that, I heard there was more rum. Cpt. Morgan again. Mmmm. I had myself a shot. A tasty tasty shot... and then made myself some rum and coke. Def my favorite drink... :)

Downed that pretty quick, then had another shot. 'Twas my alcohol intake for the night... because the rum disappeared quickly...

Phrase of the night.

Oh then Voto showed up... and I was like heeeeeeeeey~!

I feel like I def drunk hit on him. A lot. S'ok. Liquid courage goooooooo!

But, at the end of the night, I managed to ask him if he'd like to spend some time together sometime, and he gave me a rather excited yes. Pretty sweet, dude!

BUT I got no number... lolfail... Tanner def got it... DERRRRP.

I also dunno if he was so excited 'cause he was drunk, too. Merp. Self-doubt, hooo!

So, the bands that played were pretty good. Six in one day. Was like a festival. In my backyard. SO COOL. (I ♥ SC!)

I can't remember the third band's name, but of course, our loves, Under a Western Sky played, and another new (?) band named In the Airplane played as well. Was a good show. Under a Western Sky created a mosh pit, as usual. Was a rather intense one. I was sitting off to the side (with Voto, btw, GLEEEEEEEEEE) and I got hit in the mouth, and then someone knocked my glasses off and one of the nose pieces def scratched my face a bit. Ooow. OH well. If I had actually been in that pit, I prolly would have died. Was fun watching my friends go, though!

Freshman said he got like, 4 concussions. I dunno man. I dunno.

Blaaargg. So the music ended around 11, and everyone was intoxicated enough already so we decided to roll back onto campus. Was prolly a good call.

The bus was stupid full when we got on, the bus driver was hella legit and let WAY more of us than he should have (by bus company type thing regulations)... it was awesome.

I didn't have anything to hold on to, so I kind of kept falling over. Sorry, Riley & Tanner. XD

When we went past the UCSC guard thing, all of us in the front ducked. It was so funny.

The bus also died twice. Succcccccccch an awesome bus ride! Yahooo! :]

Yep. Anyway. Made it back to Porter. Drank another shot (forgot about that one!), went to my room, hung out for a bit. Tanner ordered a shit load of pizza... blah blah blah watched some YouTube videos...

I think I almost cried again. Def almost went into depressed drunk Darlene mode again. Meh.

Whenever I feel bad, though, the guys always tell me, "it could be worse, you could have a dick."

I dunno how that's supposed to make me feel better. At all.

And I kept saying, "I hate my life" last night... I do, sort of. Lately I've been really, really down. Can't find a relationship... I miss them so much... don't have that special person to just bond with, don't have that person to just love me for who I am. It's so hard to live without that when I know how good it is, and when I lived with it for so long. ARRGGHH.

(There was a point in the night where I was looking at your name in my phone, considering things...)

I'm well aware that people are worse off than me. Shit dude, I always try my best to eat every once of food I take from the d-hall because I am so aware of things. I always try my best to appreciate things. I get pissed as fuck when people don't appreciate the things they have... I def say, "I hate my life" versus "My life is so terrible." I don't have to like my life, even if it's a rather okay one. Mother fuckin' Great Gatsby, anyone? Urg.

I don't know why I'm so particularly upset. Oh well~

This week is Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving break. I need it. Bad. Can't wait to see my family and friends in the 'Cho! I especially miss Cindy, my Mom, my broski-bro, and Matty. Always miss Matty. Oh and Chris and Brittainy, too! Always, I want to be with them! HAH!

Man, this post reeks of retarded-ness sometimes. Oh well.

Overall, was a pretty good weekend. Now I gotta read shit fo' class, and shower, and eat, and get on with my life!

There's tomorrow to worry about: gotta edit my paper, finish my readings, and... y'know... get ready to go home. :)

I'm gonna be rollin' out on Weds. Weds afternoon, headin' home on the 17.

I'm excited. Gonna make so many friendship bracelets.

Oh and dude, Freshman gave me an iPod (!!!) so I can listen to music on the way home! ♥

Such a good Freshman.

Such good musics.

Annnnnnnnnd in celebration of our liquor of choice!:

Bloooooog

So many things I need to post.

So little time to think. So little time to type.

So little will to do anything. Ugh.

(Except read. I like to read.)

I feel like I'm dying.

In other news: I'm becoming more and more like a writer!

Drinkin' my sorrows away, look at me go!

Fuck yeah for Faulkner. He's my writing hero.

Many, many great writers were also sort of alcoholics! YEAAAAH!

(I'm not really gonna become an alcoholic, btw, just sayin'.)

It was really nice seeing Kendal tonight. And Pranov earlier, too. I miss downtown people.

The Office reminds me of home. Of orchestra. I miss it.

Had a really weird dream this morning, too.

Me, my Mom, and Logan were there. We were all watching this amazing beautiful holy God mind blowingly awesome symphony in this really elaborate, fancy ass concert hall. There was a lot of gold, like, plating stuff? And the curtains were fashionably red. Really picture-esque and beautiful. Reminds me of the very opening of Moulin Rouge! Anyway, I don't remember much, but, something had happened, and like, my Mom just sort of disappeared. Then I got really, really sad... incredibly, incredibly depressed, and Logan was the only one there, it's just he was just super distant and it was really weird - like, he was trying to comfort me, but it was all bad, didn't work. I woke up pretty depressed. Hah. Good times. ~.~

Anyway, weird shit. Don't really want to think about it. Errrg.

Don't like my dreams. Unless I'm dreaming of squirrels.

I like squirrels.

BLAAAAAAAARG.

FRL! Shenanegins

I made this today:

I also drew ice-cream cone things that are happy to go to FroYo! They're super cute.

Excitement.

I didn't write my article for FRL! It can wait for another time, I guess.

Random .gifs II

Cats in Ikea!

http://www.tonic.com/article/100-cats-ikea-happiness/

Because It's Awesome.

So I recently saw the SanFran Symphony perform Distant Worlds.

AKA FUCK YEAAAH AWESOME FINAL FANTASY MUSSSIC!

It was a beyond amazing time. I was hella days out of my mind and it was fantastic!

Yahoo! Marina!

I AM CEREBUS ALPHAAAAAAAA...?

Derp. Yeah, whatever.

Either way, they played the chocobo theme... well one of them...

Swing de Chocobo. Fuck yes.

There was a cute explosion. I WAS SO EXCITED!! Aiyeeee~

Hrm. Yeah. So. /shurg

I present to you!

Hella cute bird singing the chocobo theme:

SO MUCH ANGST

So......

hi blog.

Sure haven't posted anything significant for a while...

News: done with first year of college.
Other news: God damn my life is aggravating.

This thing... the menu thing for Stranger than Fiction (good movie, btw) keeps playing and playing and playing and playing and I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. Except I do. But I don't want to move. I want to keep writing. What the hell is the point of moving, anyway? God I hate moving. I hate doing things. I have to think, and good lord I would be ecstatic to be out of my head for merely an hour. I also wish I could spell. GAAAHHH! GAH GAH GAH. I want to live in SoCal, I want more! ALWAYS MORE. Am I just a person who cannot be satisfied? I don't really want to live in SoCal. Fuck SoCal. Except the Lakers have cool colors, but man, silver and purple are so pretty together. Meh. I don't really care about basketball at all, anyway. I just enjoy doing things with friends, and y'know, if it means cheering for a team I could not give two shits (TWO SHITS! or would that be a half a shit, to make it less significant?) about, hell man, I'm there. I like to see people smile. A lot. I love to see people happy, I love to see them enjoying their lives, but I feel like that is all there is to life for me. I haven't basked in the awesome warmth that is happiness in a long time. Well, that's a lie. I was really happy when Mark gave me a hug when I asked for one. But that happiness was pretty much completely trampled upon by his and Allyson's act of totally ignoring me (Fuck that shit, btw, I had never felt so God damn abandoned in a long time). I wonder if either of them read this. God I miss Mark. I miss him being my friend, and not some person I have to worry about all the time (Y'know, when I'm around, this is kind of irrelevant now, and this is also inserted to make me seem less creepy. 'Cause I'm not that creepy, really.). Can we just go back, please? That's all I want. A friend. Well, I have Cindy here, but yeah, at college, I am miserable, I am so alone. I spend my time with Doctor Who. (Not that that is too much of an issue, 'cause good lord David Tennant is HOT) BUT GAH! My happiness comes from my fantasies, and not my own life. How do I create happiness? How does it happen? I was happy before? Can I be ignorant again? It seems that while I was, I was happy, I was content, I did not give a fuck. Man, I miss Ryan too. OH! Ryan. Ryan = best friend at college, by a long shot. But you see, while I have him, it's just... not the same. Y'know, person reading this? Ryan has Brytnny. I cannot, and will not, ever try to be more to him than she is (as in closeness, in case you're reading! :]), because that's just wrong, and I understand that and I'm good with that. I love that me and Ryan are friends. It's just... I get lonely. I get the type of lonely that I feel only like, love can cure. Maybe that's the thing with Cindy too. Maybe that's why where ever I go, I'm alone. I miss waking up everyday, with someone on my mind. Nowdays, all I can do is observe. I'm too holed up, too reserved, too shy to do a damned thing, or merely mention to anyone that I might slightly be interested. I just don't know. And now, here at home, I had so much hope for a friendship that I thought could possibly work again, but as the days drag on, my hope dwindles and dwindles. It's fucking impossible. Stupid happiness. I always think, should I have given him up? Heh. Except there's two "hims." Interesting fucking plot twist, assholes. Hehe. Always wanted to type that. Menu. Still. Going. Wonder how long I've been typing. Prolly not that long. Doesn't seem too long. Been texting Jacob in between. I need to do this more often. It's relaxing. I'm thinking about writing about how I feel about B5. Oh yes, dear reader, since I don't have to see faces for 3 months, and furthermore, prolly don't have to see any faces I don't want to more than random coincidence next year, fuck this shit. Fuck it in the butt. Butt butt. Christ. I'm so upset. I kind of hate everything B5 embodies. We came together to give everyone a home, to not judge, to be friendly, and care for each other. The only damned thing we accomplished was we became a family. A family with ups and downs, and aunts and uncles, and crazy people. (I don't know who out aunts and uncles would be, btw!) And like my family, we've got people that just resent each other. And until a while ago, that resentment was one sided. BUT HEY WORLD, GUESS WHAT, I'M A BITCH, I'VE GOT FEELINGS, AND I AM MOTHERFUCKING HUMAN, AND WILL BE TREATED ACCORDINGLY. Lord I am so angry right now. Sitting here like a true freaking writer. In complete silence (except for that damned menu thing - ironic the movie is about writing... kinda... whatever) Guess it's not complete silence but whatever. Urg. Shit I say should make sense. I think I consider this silence because it's like, a 30 second clip? Maybe not even that - on repeat. The noise is irrelevant to my thought, and stuff, so I guess I am considering it silence. Maybe this is why I can work well even where there is noise. I just ignore it. Holy shit on a stick I digress like a crazy soooon of a bitch! Hm. I'd like to meet a crazy son of a bitch. Might be my type. Durrrr. Durrr. Dylan. I love Dylan. He's such a sweetheart. And Rebecca. I'm sure she's taking very very good care of Smokey. Wish I could've seen her more. Such a cute mouse. I was totally prepared to take care of her, and I don't consider myself excused from faltering in her care because of Allyson's resentment of me. Should of just grew a God damned pair and shown the world, not even the world, 'cause like hell B5 is the world, that I am a person who is to be respected. Just because I'm ditsy and blonde doesn't mean that I do not think. It does not mean that I don't notice things. That I'm just a dumb clown. Those who believe I am have just not yet known the person I am. It's not like it's really all that easy to get to know me anyway,(unless you read this!) because I'm just bad at communicating. Bad at communicating. Such a God damned stupid awful phrase and excuse. I'm not even trying to be discreet. Thinking that your issues are above everyone else's in the world. Hi, you're just about the most conceited person I've ever met. I'm not going to say my shit is more terrible, less terrible, or equally terrible than yours, girlie, but darlin', for you to be so damned selfish and not think of ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO ARE CURRENTLY DYING makes me sick to my stomach. Fucking shit dude. I'm enjoying this wall of text. It's making me happy. I am venting. Yet, there is no expression on my face. No tears. No expressed anger. Just me, sitting here, typing, typing away. Typing away two quarters of pain misery sorrow and loneliness. Fuck being lonely. I don't want to guys to pick on Ryan for being not-so-great at DotA. Who the fuck cares about DotA? Nobody should get hurt over stupid, stupid games. Games are for fun, and enjoyment. It's cool to compete, but once the competition is over, it's over you fucks. Urg Urg Urg Blarg Blarg Blarg. I really hope Kendal reads this. I love her to death, and I've got to say some things to her, as well. Not bad things. Because I love Kendal. Just... things. Hopefully I'll write about them now. This is a very, very, very honest Darlene, and this is not a drunk Darlene, which means time for rantin', ravin', and all around insane stream-of-consciousness stuff. HEY, I CAN'T FUCKIN' STAND YOU, LOL! Yep. That was the next thing on my mind. So much pent up rage, so much pent up anger. But I'm a God damned coward, and I don't like conflict. I can't deal with it, because it's so damn pointless. At least, like this, I won't really have to deal with anything more than I would have to already. Good fucking times, people. Man I like to curse. Fucking has def got to be one of my favorite words. How can you get more intense than fucking? It's natural human instinct. Raw, vulgar, and there for everyone to see! YEAAAHHH FUCKING. Such a good word. Hehe. Always wanted to type that too. I feel like if Jacob reads this he'll enjoy that line. Oh YEAH! Fucking. Hehe. Fucking. Someone hasn't done it yeeeeeeet and has been lying about it since sophomore yeaaaaar! Hella. Days. Funny. So funny. Thank you, Alex. Teehee. Got a school girl thing goin' on today; it's pretty cute. Reminds me of fucking. Girrrrl, you make me rage. Maybe more than Ella did. Ella. Heh. Can't remember his real name. Damned stupid heartless bastard. GRRR! I feel like it was Andrew. But I love Andrew. Oh. I've got to see Andrew. Maybe you're lost? It's okay, 'cause I'm lost too darlin'. Darling Darlene, thank you Brytnny, you are such a sweet heart. I meant everything I wrote in your yearbook! ♥ Hearts hearts hearts. I want mine to flutter again, mother fuck. FLUTTTEEER. Also a very good word. Maybe that's why I enjoy Joyce Carol Oates so much. She freaking gets it. Holy hell don't know how long it's been since I've written this much. I should really move on to Kendal. Kendal Kendal. God I love the KendalKorn. Looks cool with the "K" too! Okay, so first things first: Logan. He told me he liked you, I was like, d'awww, good luck bro! And I know, KendalKorn, sweet sweet KendalKorn (not meant to be creepy, btw!) that your only experience with friends and guys in the same boat is "HOMYGODIHATEYOUFOREVERDIEBITCHDIERAGGGEEE" annnnnnnd that's not really such a good thing. Now, when I learned that you actually liked him back, I tripped so many balls. The balls of my balls were trippin', and they were trippin' hard. I was SO FREAKING EXCITED for you, darlin'. So he didn't like me. Oh well. Got over it. So he liked you. COOL MY FRIEND CAN BE REALLY HAPPY. That's how it's supposed to work. Friends are supposed to stay friends. They're not supposed to got bat shit insane because of men. Especially men who aren't worth it. Meh, that's kind of mean, but that's what needed to be said (typed?) there. He's not a bad guy; just doesn't realize when he's being a douche bag. Douche. French. God I envy Julia for getting into French 5. So much that I didn't congratulate her. Man, I suck. Stupid envy. Haha. I'm sure she knows that I think that's awesome. Or I hope that she is reading this now and is like, "HEY, DARLENE LOVES ME!" 'cause I most def do. I just want to be further in French, too! Fuck the stupid passe compose. Fuck accents, as well. Fuck them all. DURRRR. Okay, so, got to finish with Kendal. Whenever I see you Kendal, well, actually, only when Allyson is around, I see this sadness in your eyes. Maybe it's just because I'm insane, but I feel, and have felt, for a very long time, that our friendship is totally different when she is around, and when she is not around. Because when Allyson is around, you're not allowed to show hardly any interest in me, except for purposes of common decency. I feel that you are being bogged down, and judged, and somehow, you can't bring yourself to escape that. It's not so bad though, def not as bad as Mark, who has now shown me how much he can just follow someone. Someone who I honestly believe does not care about him as much as he thinks. It makes me sad. So sad. Here I am, like, four to five months later, still being sad about Mark. He's such a good guy. So confused. So awkward. Haha. I wasn't exactly the best of friend, but I def wasn't a terrible one, and if I was, I tried my best to reprimand everything I could. Sometimes, I am stupid. You don't think one day she'll do something incredibly stupid? Or that one day you'll do something she doesn't approve of, and she'll drop you like last night's dinner? God I'm just so sad. And all of this is so past overdue. Finally turned the sound off. Now there's just that picture playing in my peripheral vision. My vision that is pretty much nonexistent. Maybe it's the glare of the TV that makes me pay so much attention. Ugh. Just so much ugh. I hate texting. I hate it. So so sad. So pitiful. So distraught. So many bad thoughts in my mind. I need a vacation from life. I want to go back to Nebraska... should have never given all of that up... I had everything... I had ever wanted... and I just wanted more, because I'm never satisfied. Maybe he was the love of my life, and I gave it up for my dreams. For me. Dreams. Selfishness. Ug. FUCKING STOP TEXTING ME HOLY SHIT. So clueless. Just stop. Stop stop stop. Stoooooooooop. Sad sad sad. Nebraska. Greg. Two things I think about all the damn time. Most of the world doesn't even know about Nebraska. Greg never knew a damn thing. Ever. Heh. Hope he's happy with Kim... though as far as Alex is concerned his life seems pretty damn dull. Except for the Disneyland business. That's pretty cool. God I miss Disneyland and Orchestra and life being okay. Man I can't wait for Distant Worlds, either. It's going to be excellent. I think I'm tired now. So tired. Didn't say as much as I wanted to... but that's the norm. Always is. That's why it's the norm. Dur. Dur. Dur. Durr Gil-Gomez! Haha. Hehe. Ohohohoho~!

Someone needs to come into my life.

Halloween

The night has finally begun
it's a little dark, a little creepy
a little spooky,
a little
eerie.

I'm ready for action - ready to make my move!
I'm waiting
waiting
to get into
my groove.

I am set free!
and I start to prowl,
I set out on my quest
to uncover leftovers of the night's conquests

I'm blinded by my signal,
the glorious full moon,
oh, I know I'll be there soon.

My mask fits just right
not too loose, nor too tight,
I'm the perfect criminal, the best theif
I'm a beast in the night

I'll steal your heart - then I'll feast.

I continue my venture over the furry terrain
Can you hear the soft pitter-patters of my feet?
'cause I'm tryin' to be discreet.
I'm tryin' to be silent
I'm tryin' to be sleek

For I am a bandit,
I'm no mink!

Arrival at last!
My loot, it is vast,
Shiny and crinkly,
oh it makes my eyes glimmer,
but hey, that's how it goes--
'cause I'm a bandit
and I'm always a winner!

Tastes like victory,
oh it's so sweet,
peanuts and caramel,
chocolate and nougat,
oh!

I believe
that my mission
is complete.

Oh Hey,

I got a mouse yesterday.

His name is Smokey.

He's cuuuuute~! ♥

and by he, I mean she,

'cause it's a girl...

Queer Bait VII

Welcome to a long legacy of amazing fishies, my friend. :]

Queer Bait VI

R.I.P.

:(

Paper for Arellano's Class

Darlene McCoy
Mr. Arellano
AP Gov - Period 2
22 March 2009

Animal Rights - or Wrongs?!
In the next year, it is estimated that Americans will spend four billion dollars on their pets. Apparently, people in America like animals. The debate over animal rights has raged for years. Is it right for humans to slaughter animals for food? Is it right for us to turn their hides into fur? Should they be experimented on? Should they have to perform in a circus? And the biggest question: should they have equal rights as us? The contenders for this match are PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, and anyone interested in challenging them.
According to PETA, in the US, more than 27 billion animals are slaughtered for food and apparently, raising animals on factory farms is cruel and ecologically devastating. Also, eating animals is bad for our health, because eating meat leads directly to many diseases and illnesses, including heart attacks, strokes, cancer, diabetes, and obesity. PETA would love everyone to "Go Veg!" Even Paul McCartney adds, "If anyone wants to save the planet, all they have to do is stop eating meat. That's the single most important thing you can do. It's staggering when you think about it. Vegetarianism takes care of so many things in one shot: ecology, famine, cruelty." PETA further adds that animals are treated like meat, milk, and egg machines, and gives descriptions of how each is not treated right. The site talks about how the animals are kept in too small cages, and how they are bred to produce, and how the slaughtering procedure is so cruel. There's also a page showing how good not eating meat is for the environment. We'd have more water, pollute the world less, cut down less trees, and use less raw materials. With these statistics, who would not want to "Go Veg?"
The meat industry, which is the US economy's largest agricultural contributor, would not be so happy if everyone went vegetarian. In 2003, the meat industry was worth $90 billion. People would lose their jobs, and their incomes! Giving up an industrial giant for animals would be an insane cause. Maybe if the process could be done over time, we could do it, but cutting meat out of the US's products would be devastating to the economy. Unless PETA wants to pay the $90 billion for the industry, the idea of everyone going vegetarian is ridiculous, though the idea of going vegetarian over time is much more reasonable. Also, shouldn't people decide for themselves what they want to eat?
Personally, I eat meat. I like meat, it tastes good. I'm really sorry about the animals getting slaughtered, but honestly not sorry enough to give up that tri-tip. Animals should not have equal rights when it comes to eating them for food, it's the way the world was meant to be, but the cruelty needs to stop. The sad thing is, nobody is going to be able to make sure animals on a farm are correctly treated, and even if it were possible, the amount of money it would cost would be astounding.
The fur and animal skin industry is another thing that PETA points out to be cruel. In the wool industry, lambs' ears are punched, their tails are chopped off, and the males are castrated, all without anesthetics. While they don't say a whole lot about leather, they do point out that veal, or baby cow, skin is made into calf skin and then sold off. The leather of cows also accounts for two thirds of the value of a cow. Finally, PETA attacks the fur industry, stating that, "Animals on fur farms spend their lives in tiny cages only to be killed by anal or genital electrocution. Some are skinned alive. Animals in the wild may languish for days in traps before they die or are killed." In the US, 3 million animals are bred for their fur, and 4 million more are trapped.
The fur industry alone contributes 1.8 billion dollars to our economy. This is much less than the meat industry, and is something we could do without. While fur can be seen as something to distinguish oneself, there are many other choices. While people would still lose their jobs, I think PETA would be more willing to pick up the 1.8 billion dollar price tag versus the 90 billion of the meat industry. There is really no reason why these animals should suffer, and they should have rights protecting them. Animals should be protected from dying for their fur or skin. I do not wear fur, and I don't think fur is right in any way. I wouldn't like to be hunted for my skin. The only exception to this in my eyes is the leather from cows that have been killed for meat. It'd just be a waste to not use as much as the cow as possible, if it has to die.
There are no records of the number of animals tested on, but PETA says that it is estimated to be in the millions. They say that, "New research methods, such as computer models, cell cultures, and human studies are more accurate, less expensive, and much more humane." Even under The Animal Welfare Act, the number of animals tested on is still unknown. The act forces companies to note the number of animals tested on, except for mice, birds, and rats, which constitute for 80 - 90% of animals used in tests. Animals are forced to inhale and eat products. Lotions and creams are tested on animals, and some products are even squirted into animals' eyes!
Animal testing has done wonderful things, because of it, we as humans have hope to cure diseases. What are the alternatives to animal testing, anyway? I do believe that there is a bigger difference between humans and computers than humans and animals. I'm not sure that people would stand by as other people were treated as animals are. It's wrong for any living thing to be tested on, but better them than us. A few of the links on PATHWAI's, People Against Treating Humans Worse than Animals, International, site include headlines such as, "Researchers using genetically modified mice develop a promising treatment for Alzheimer's disease, Groundbreaking work done with rhesus monkeys show possibilities in a new treatment for HIV." There's a quote as well, "Even if animal research resulted in a cure for AIDS, we'd be against it." by Ingrid Newkirk, the national director of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. I think if we found cures for these diseases, the lives would be worth it. I feel selfish for saying and believing what I do, but as horrible as it is, animals dying and being tested on so people won't die of AIDs anymore would be a sweet deal. I think companies should be allowed to chose whether they want to test on animals or not. PETA can boycott products all they want, but animal testing for medical reasons is something I don't think we should give up for animals. Once again, this is how the world works, the strong use the weak to their advantage. Therefore, animals should not have the right to not be tested on. Like the meat industry, I just believe that they should be tested on in the least cruel way possible.
Another issue PETA attacks is that of animals for entertainment. They point out that animals are forced to do tricks by being whipped, prodded, and electrocuted. They say that the animals are bored, lonely, and frustrated because they are kept in cages for weeks and weeks. They are moved like mere furniture. PETA asks people to speak out for the animals in these industries that can't speak for themselves. They ask people to hike or go to a baseball game instead of the circus, because they are unkind! They attack zoos and aquariums for keeping animals in cages for all their lives.
I have to agree with PETA on this issue, unless the animals are happy, they shouldn't be made to perform. But, I don't even know of any circus besides Barnum and Bailey that exists anymore. Barnum and Bailey take care of their animals anyway. Quotes directly from their site state that, "The animals are fed, watered, groomed and cleaned daily. The relationships are based upon respect, trust, affection and uncompromising care. Verbal or physical abuse and the withholding of food or water are strictly prohibited." Zoos and aquariums protect otherwise endangered animals.
Matt Prescott is the director of corporate affairs for PETA, and says in a nutshell that, "Animals have a thought process, and every week we learn about who they are rather than what they are. Anyone with a dog or a cat knows that their animals have feelings and emotions, and he doesn't understand why we don't treat all animals well. He then describes some immoral things that we do to animals. We amended our ways when it came to women's right's, slavery, and child labor, but we haven't for animals yet, and he calls us to examine our treatment of animals! He explains that there is no real sacrifice for the ethical treatment of animals, and that the alternatives to treating animals poorly are just simply ways of treating them better. He says the animal rights movement is simply a matter of basic human decency."
On the opposite end of the spectrum, David Martosko is the director of research at the Center for Consumer Freedom. His argument is that, the animal rights philosophy reduces you and your family's moral value to that of animals. He is not against being a vegetarian, not wearing fur, or not fishing, but he believes that people should be able to do as they please. He believes that if animals receive equal rights, a massive change in society is due. We'd all have to eat vegetarian dishes, because there wouldn't be anything else available. He says that groups like PETA argue for not using animals in any way, no matter how responsible or gentle. Without animal testing, we'd have to abandon the hope of ever curing AIDs or cancer. Without hunting and fishing, the predators of ecosystems would over populate. Zoos and aquariums wouldn't be around to preserve species, and seeing-eye dogs would have to be released, and the blind would just have to deal with their problem. We should always treat animals with the utmost care, but to give them the same rights as us isn't reasonable. We're the only species that can understand this debate, when a dog can, talk to me!
I have to agree with David. There is no way my cat's life would mean as much to me as that of my brother's. Not that I don't love my cat, because I do, but a human life is more valuable in my eyes. Animals don't pay taxes, and they can't even think morally. They can't vote! I also believe that before we take care of animals, we should take care of ourselves. There are plenty of people in Africa and across the world who are dying of malnutrition that could use all the money PETA and other organizations put into animal rights. The idea of an animal having as much rights as a human when they can't do all a human can is beyond me. I love animals to death, but the idea is unreasonable. I do believe that animals should be treated right and with respect, but there's a point where it's a little ridiculous. Therefore, by law, animals shouldn't have equal rights as humans, but they should have some rights, maybe a different set, but never equal. Animals should always be given their basic necessities of life, and they should always be able to be happy. The cruelty needs to stop, but not the way PETA would like it to.

AP English Makes People Crazy

We had to do some project in English where we had to make a Pod Cast on some subject from Regency England...

My partner and I got horses! How wonderful!

Ironically enough, Kylie is a person in RL, so she is the K, and I'm the D.
Though, it doesn't really matter anyway...

This is horribly horrible, and please only read it if you're really freakin' bored...
You might learn something.

lolwut

K: So Darlene, I didn't talk to you all weekend? What was going on with that?

D: Well, my mom was a little off her rocker and decided to go to the horse races to relieve some stress.

K: Really? Horse racing was one of the most popular sports back in the day.

D: Yea, but wasn't horse racing reserved mainly for the rich folk?

K: Yes, it was very expensive to own and maintain a horse. It was considered a luxury. You even had to pay a tax if you owned a horse.

D: Oh yea, I heard of some Prince Regent that had to pay annually 30,000 pounds to keep up his horses.

K: Wow, considering that people lived comfortably on 2,000 pounds a year, that's insane.

D: But his horses were all thorough bred, like any fancy race horse at the time.

K: Well were all horses thorough bred and that expensive?

D: Well no, not exactly, there were fashion horses for carriages, hunting horses, work horses and then donkeys.

K: Oh I see. wasn't there some certain kind of horse that was a have to have almost like a trend?

D: Yes actually the Cleveland Bay made you prime meat at the market.

K: Did owning four make you prime rib?

D: Yea just like owning 4 donkeys makes you an ass lover.

K: Besides being a fashion statement, horses were also used for hunting right? Like what did they hunt for with horses back then?

D: Mostly foxes.

K: How interesting. Well to me it seems like mostly men were involved with horses other than women riding in carriages. Did women ever ride horses themselves?

D: Actually women did ride horses, they rode them side saddle alternating sides each day.

K: Oh right, to keep them from developing an overly enhanced buttock on one side.

D: Precisely. And horses did normal things that we'd expect them to do today.

K: Yea a normal transportation or field horse was also a lot less expensive to manage.

D: Only about 400 pounds a year.

K: That still sounds pretty expensive. Did they have like rent-a-horse?

D: Yes actually they did. It was called jobbing. If a person needed a horse they would go to their local jobber who would rent the horses out.

K: So what about people who still could somewhat afford to own their own horses and didn't want to rent every time they needed a horse?

D: Many would resort to donkeys because their price range was only 5 pence to 3 pounds.

K: So if I bought the more expensive donkey I would have a high class ass?

D: I guess so.

Gah

Its 1 AM, can't sleep, but my kitten is super duper cute!
Horray :D

Anyway, also gah, my darn computer died...
So if I want to write... I gotta write out here... on Mom's comp...

but in other lighter words, my MH looks amazing but I need 2 Commodes!

{Help desk} si'l vous plait.