UGGGGGH

Well, first of all, Blogger has a new style type thing. I don't really like it, but not because it's bad or less useful, but more because I didn't want Blogger to change. Oh well...

This morning, and recently, I got a swift kick in the ass reminding me of HOW MUCH people suck.

Like, seriously.

I've been meaning to post about this for a long time now, I guess, and I don't think I'm going to feel any better (or refrain from randomly going off on Jacob for no good reason) until I just fucking let loose and BE ANGRY at the people who've made me sad.

Well, not really angry. Just upset. Really, really, really upset.

First of all, I'mma address Ryan. Because this is the part that upsets me the most. I am really, really, really sad because of him. In Safeway the other week, I saw him for the first time in what feels like months. I think it was only one. See, the thing is, I haven't talked to Ryan in forever. Our last actual conversation was probably around his birthday (Feb 9th). And sometime in between then and now, he's gotten really, really angry at me and apparently can't even bring himself to talk to me, at all. Now, I'm not exactly sitting pretty here and saying I've tried, because I haven't. I just, like... am not actively trying to avoid him. I've refrained from speaking to Ryan so he can get over me. I know I hurt him. I know it sucks. I've always felt that the best way to get over someone is to be separate for a while, y'know? Give things time, come back, and be friends again. The first thing that Alec said when we got together was, "You guys better not ruin an awesome friendship." I didn't forget, Alec. I never did. :(
I really want things to be okay between me and Ryan, and on my side, they are. They always have been. This is just so shitty. I wouldn't act awkward around him, nor be mad at him, or anything. I think right now, though, I'd be a little upset, naturally, because of all of this hogwash bullshit...

I AM JUST SO SAD. SO, SO SAD.

None of this annoying losing friends bullshit was ever supposed to happen...

You know who follows me on Tumblr now, dear reader?
Julia. (and y'know, like Cory and Rayne and shit) That's it.
Dylan, Kendal, Tanner, and Ryan have all stopped.
Mark (never followed me in the first place...)
Dylan and Kendal got annoyed with me defending myself against Casey. Whatever. I mean, if they don't want to see me attempt to stand up for myself because it's long text, I guess I can understand. Besides, I probably won't ever see Dylan again. I'm totally okay with him moving on and stuff. No problem... Kendal is Kendal, and I feel like her not following me doing nothing to our friendship. The internet is just the internet, if I feel I need to actually communicate with her, or show her something, I just will. Whatevs.
Tanner probably hates me. Probably for good reason. lol
Mark is an asshole. Plain and simple. He is only selectively my friend. That's bullshit. I love him when he's my friend, but he is so mean to me all the time, and that's not how you treat your friends, bad day/mood or not. Dunno why I remain so hung up on him -- OH WAIT it's the fact that Mark has the potential to be one of the coolest people I've ever known, if he gets off of his pretentious ass high horse! RIGHT! Depressing.
Ryan has stopped following me twice. The first time was right after we broke up. Sure, s'cool, I understand. The second time... ??? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?! I have no idea. When did I turn into this manipulative bitch, or otherwise such a negative person that he had to stop following me? I don't understand... o.O I mean, I should just talk to him, but Goddamn, at this point, I feel like I'll be talking to a wall, or get hung up on. He wouldn't even LOOK at me at Safeway. I tried to say hi, I was nice. I wasn't awkward. I wasn't all up on Jacob in his face. I EXPLICITLY tried NOT to post things about having a boyfriend on Tumblr so he wouldn't feel bad. I EXPLICITLY did not put Jacob as my boyfriend on Facebook for a long time SO RYAN COULD FEEL BETTER. UGH. I just don't understand. I am so angry and frustrated and I've been really depressed because I feel like friendships that shouldn't be crumbling are doing so. It's stupid. Pointless.
Casey has stopped following me, too, but her presence on Tumblr is very limited. She might've just felt that I was stupid one day and decided to unfollow me. Meh. I feel that Casey's opinion of me has a great ability to fluctuate, and if Ryan is upset with me, and spoke to Casey of it, I feel that her opinion of me would probably be lessened after said conversation. Whatevs, though. Casey and I are tight when she wants us to be. I've told her many a time that I'll support her if she supports me.

SO I pointed out Julia following me on Tumblr because Julia and I have had a rocky history ever since Halloween sophomore year. I don't really want to discuss that, but I do want to say that Julia has always treated me personally with respect, even after she felt that I wronged her. I will always appreciate that from her. I really, really, genuinely enjoy our one-on-one conversations, and hope that somehow we can really become friends again. I feel like I miss her, a lot, which is pretty weird, because somedays I can kind of care less about her.... maybe I shouldn't say that after saying nice things and shit, but... I'm being honest here, y'know? I just like, am really sad all of these stupid, insignificant things get in our way of talking about films or book or boys or anything awesome... Julia and I connect so well on an intellectual level, and I just love talking to her about anything... I miss lunch! I still think of Julia when I put sprouts on a sandwich... they are better than lettuce... unless they're all gross because they've been left out forever... stupid d-hall.

Hrrrrm. I think that's enough about me being angry. I'm really sorry if that was hard to read. I'm going for super stream of consciousness here, as I type, I'm spelling most things wrong, and I only really stop typing to auto-correct my spelling errors.

EITHER WAY: the good.

1. Kristina
I've developed a very odd but nice friendship with Kristina. I like it a lot, and I hope one day we can just like, hang out, and I can not be awkward. I'm always awkward. Damnit!

2. Tumblr Teacher, Eli
SO I was really sneaky a few Fridays back and went out for a walk outside. (C'mon people, do I ever go outside willingly?! XDD) Anyway, I met this person I'd been talking to on Tumblr, Eli. He's the Tumblr Teacher! Such a cutie! See, the thing is, meeting people from the internet is sketchy in its own. Sure, midday, sunny, and at the Squiggle isn't exactly the place for some person to abduct someone or something, but it's really hard to convince other people that meeting people from the internet doesn't always lead to death... so I lied to Rayne about just going outside. I'm sorry Rayne, I also just kinda didn't want to explain at the time. I also have not told anyone about this... because I do think he's cute, and oh my gosh, if he lived in Santa Cruz, the amount of up ons I would try to be... heh. Prolly shouldn't say that, either, because Jacob will more than likely read this, but whatever. Honesty is the theme of this post. Besides... I'll prolly just tell him I made a long blog post anyway. I can't keep my mouth shut about anything! XD But, but, but Jacobi, if you are reading this madness, I want to tell you, though I am attracted to this other person, I am in no way pursuing it. Right now, I am with you (and very happy!), and I am not going to change that. I am sorry my heart is so fleeting, but currently, I am controlling it. For you. :)
Hrm, um, anyway. I really like this person, and am totally chill with just being friends with him. Don't have to date every cute guy I meet..!

Hrm so um, I feel like I'm out of things to talk about now. I guess. I also feel like I have to go read some Descartes for Senior Seminar. We had class outside yesterday. LitBro is best bro! <3 <3 <3

Blah blah blah, guess I don't mind the new Blogger too much, I can still sit here and type like a madwoman.

-- End Blog Post --

Random Bouts of Super Depression

Can't explain.
Don't understand.
What's happening?

I go from so happy to so sad -- in an instant --
Whhhhhhhy?!

~.~

Being this... mood swingy isn't healthy... but what's wrong?

Man

I just got in a really big fight with Jacob and now I want to die.
So much for that being a good paper. UGH. I was so happy with it earlier, too.

Upset Again...

This post is in relation to the "K Now I'm Upset" post.

ANYWAY. So just now. Playin' some XI, doin' my thing, chillin'.

People are on Vent (this is a program that you can use to communicate with a group of people, mainly used by people who play MMOs/other online games)

I like Vent. Vent is fun.

Log in, connect, do all that shit.

First damn thing I hear is someone making a comment about how, "You can't say gay in this group. So we say 'hetero.'"

THESE PEOPLE DON'T FUCKING GET IT. IT'S SO ANNOYING.

The reason why I don't want people to use "gay" as an insult is because there's nothing fucking wrong with being gay. There's also nothing wrong with being heterosexual. What kind of backwater asshat state do these people come from? Jesus Christ.

Furthermore, all these people using "hetero" instead of "gay" is just fucking insulting to me. They're making fun of me caring. THEY'RE MAKING FUN OF ME CARING FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S RIGHTS. UGH.

They may not be meaning to hurt me personally, but this is fucked up. Not okay. People's rights aren't a joke. Ugh. ~.~

I don't want to further elaborate on this issue with these people. But I feel like I need to. Jesus, in the least to defend myself. I'm not okay with being made fun of for things I believe in.

This sucks. I love playing 11, but the new Magitek crew is kinda shitty. I miss the old players. A lot.

Bleh.

Bad Depression is Bad

:/ don't even feel like writing most of the time... ~.~

I've Been Bad Lately...

:(

/checktimestamp

ugggggggggggh can't sleep ~.~

:)

Darling, I miss you so much...

You were my Romeo, throwin' pebbles...

I wanted to say yes...

oh the sadness... what is this shit....

ohaidrunkDarlene~

Lady Antebellum + Taylor Swift = TRAINWRECK HOLY FUCK

Just Once...

I'd like to wake up and feel good about myself... durrrr D:

The Amount of Stupid, It Is So Intense.

HOLY GOD LAST NIGHT. WOW.

I can't even believe myself. I'm so embarrassed. I know it wasn't good. I know Jacob's kind of dying. Oh man, oh man, oh man. I feel so bad... texted Riley like a crazy mother fucker, man oh man. Didn't mean to do that. Stupid drunk girl. I must be so annoying.. ugh... Ryan is def not pleased with me... but hopefully he won't be too, like, annoyed at me... I really hope so... argggggggh. So... everything worrying my brain... gotta apologize to Riley; my stupidity gets the best of me sometimes, wits are sometimes lost. Fucking vodka. Hmmm. Whatever. Whatever whatever whatever. What can I do, what can I say? It's a new day... ~.~

blahblahblah, I feel like shit, blahblahblah, fuck everything...

...there's also a random cut on my foot, wtf?

Bloooooog

So many things I need to post.

So little time to think. So little time to type.

So little will to do anything. Ugh.

(Except read. I like to read.)

I feel like I'm dying.

In other news: I'm becoming more and more like a writer!

Drinkin' my sorrows away, look at me go!

Fuck yeah for Faulkner. He's my writing hero.

Many, many great writers were also sort of alcoholics! YEAAAAH!

(I'm not really gonna become an alcoholic, btw, just sayin'.)

It was really nice seeing Kendal tonight. And Pranov earlier, too. I miss downtown people.

The Office reminds me of home. Of orchestra. I miss it.

Had a really weird dream this morning, too.

Me, my Mom, and Logan were there. We were all watching this amazing beautiful holy God mind blowingly awesome symphony in this really elaborate, fancy ass concert hall. There was a lot of gold, like, plating stuff? And the curtains were fashionably red. Really picture-esque and beautiful. Reminds me of the very opening of Moulin Rouge! Anyway, I don't remember much, but, something had happened, and like, my Mom just sort of disappeared. Then I got really, really sad... incredibly, incredibly depressed, and Logan was the only one there, it's just he was just super distant and it was really weird - like, he was trying to comfort me, but it was all bad, didn't work. I woke up pretty depressed. Hah. Good times. ~.~

Anyway, weird shit. Don't really want to think about it. Errrg.

Don't like my dreams. Unless I'm dreaming of squirrels.

I like squirrels.

BLAAAAAAAARG.

Fuck Tonight

Seriously...

day was good though!

Streessssss

makes for a very tired/moderately depressed Darlene.

Good times, bitches. ~.~

Overview Halloween 2010

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

Holyshitonastickomgomgomg

Last night.

Did last night even happen?

K so I was kinda dumb last night.

Tequila Darlene, heeeeey!

K so got to Julia's at like 4.

Cleaning party commenced.

Cleaning party ended.

Subway was purchased.

Giants game was half watched.

Casey started fucking with Julia.

Rage commenced.

Rage more or less ended.

Booze commenced.

OHGOODLORDOMGINSANITYAIYEE

Booze entered bloodstream.

Roommate showed up.

Body shots were taken.

Insanity/rage commenced encore.

Oh God.

Things eventually died down.

Left for campus.

(Sorry I wasn't there to help clean guys...)

Passed the fuck out.

That's... a really broad overview of last night.

It's pretty scary. Actually, terrifying.

So Apathetic II

So, I just kind of feel so horrible that I don't give any fucks anymore.

0 Fucks.

I've kinda given up on... like everything...

Save school, of course! School is always there.

But at the time I'm utterly convinced that nobody is going to be interested in me for a long time -- and what's worse is I feel like I'm not really going to be interested in anyone for a long time. I feel silly. I gave Nebraska up so I could explore... and now I'm sitting here writing. Writing because I'm sad. I'm not good. Bubbly Darlene can prevail through this, but y'know... fuckin' fins... there's always so much more going on inside of me. Even though I write this blog, I'm not as honest as I used to be. I've got an audience. Maybe all of my walls will tumble down one day... maybe.

And I know it's stupid... but I feel like because of my face, people take a look at me and put me into the friend zone like that.

I know who I am. I love who I am. I'm a good person and fun to be around. People tend to flock toward me. But I've got all this shit on my face. Stupid acne. Stupid blemishes, blotches. I just never feel beautiful. Never feel pretty. I'm always looking at other people... always comparing... The guys will always just see me as their friend... not that I especially want to date any of my guys, but y'know. It'd be kinda nice to be a girl instead of Darlene. I've always been the girl with the guys. The girl with the really pretty friends that guys drool over... Nobody is going to look at me and be like, "Man, I want to meet her." People only start to like me after they've known me for a while. I look and feel like a scrub every single freakin' day... I don't wear things that would make me feel sexy, because I'm just not. Fuckin' Asher has said that to my face, even. Sexy is just not me. Too many self-esteem issues.

I obsess over this like a person who obsesses over their weight. It bothers me everyday, 'cause I gotta look at myself everyday to put makeup on... UGGGGGGGH. I can only hide so much. Besides, I still feel unattractive.

Well, everyone just kind of came in. I don't really feel like writing much more. Ug ug ug.

I'm Fightin' My Feelings

...and it's not going so well.

My brain just doesn't understand... ug...

Tonight

Shit Fuck Tits Balls Assholes ARGH Doom Destruction Sleep Sleepy ARGH Damnit.

ARGH THE WORLD

Man, I feel like crap.

Tonight is going to be intense.

All Bad.

I've been on some awesome dates in the past two weeks.

But there's still no emotional attachment for me...

ARGH!

I like this guy 'cause he's cute, nice, tells me I'm pretty and is a damned good kisser... I guess.

Dunno...

Dear problem, fix yourself? Please?

When I Said It Was Nothing...

I lied. :(

Sorry.

SO

My laptop's screen is broken.

FML. :(