Well, first of all, Blogger has a new style type thing. I don't really like it, but not because it's bad or less useful, but more because I didn't want Blogger to change. Oh well...
This morning, and recently, I got a swift kick in the ass reminding me of HOW MUCH people suck.
Like, seriously.
I've been meaning to post about this for a long time now, I guess, and I don't think I'm going to feel any better (or refrain from randomly going off on Jacob for no good reason) until I just fucking let loose and BE ANGRY at the people who've made me sad.
Well, not really angry. Just upset. Really, really, really upset.
First of all, I'mma address Ryan. Because this is the part that upsets me the most. I am really, really, really sad because of him. In Safeway the other week, I saw him for the first time in what feels like months. I think it was only one. See, the thing is, I haven't talked to Ryan in forever. Our last actual conversation was probably around his birthday (Feb 9th). And sometime in between then and now, he's gotten really, really angry at me and apparently can't even bring himself to talk to me, at all. Now, I'm not exactly sitting pretty here and saying I've tried, because I haven't. I just, like... am not actively trying to avoid him. I've refrained from speaking to Ryan so he can get over me. I know I hurt him. I know it sucks. I've always felt that the best way to get over someone is to be separate for a while, y'know? Give things time, come back, and be friends again. The first thing that Alec said when we got together was, "You guys better not ruin an awesome friendship." I didn't forget, Alec. I never did. :(
I really want things to be okay between me and Ryan, and on my side, they are. They always have been. This is just so shitty. I wouldn't act awkward around him, nor be mad at him, or anything. I think right now, though, I'd be a little upset, naturally, because of all of this hogwash bullshit...
I AM JUST SO SAD. SO, SO SAD.
None of this annoying losing friends bullshit was ever supposed to happen...
You know who follows me on Tumblr now, dear reader?
Julia. (and y'know, like Cory and Rayne and shit) That's it.
Dylan, Kendal, Tanner, and Ryan have all stopped.
Mark (never followed me in the first place...)
Dylan and Kendal got annoyed with me defending myself against Casey. Whatever. I mean, if they don't want to see me attempt to stand up for myself because it's long text, I guess I can understand. Besides, I probably won't ever see Dylan again. I'm totally okay with him moving on and stuff. No problem... Kendal is Kendal, and I feel like her not following me doing nothing to our friendship. The internet is just the internet, if I feel I need to actually communicate with her, or show her something, I just will. Whatevs.
Tanner probably hates me. Probably for good reason. lol
Mark is an asshole. Plain and simple. He is only selectively my friend. That's bullshit. I love him when he's my friend, but he is so mean to me all the time, and that's not how you treat your friends, bad day/mood or not. Dunno why I remain so hung up on him -- OH WAIT it's the fact that Mark has the potential to be one of the coolest people I've ever known, if he gets off of his pretentious ass high horse! RIGHT! Depressing.
Ryan has stopped following me twice. The first time was right after we broke up. Sure, s'cool, I understand. The second time... ??? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?! I have no idea. When did I turn into this manipulative bitch, or otherwise such a negative person that he had to stop following me? I don't understand... o.O I mean, I should just talk to him, but Goddamn, at this point, I feel like I'll be talking to a wall, or get hung up on. He wouldn't even LOOK at me at Safeway. I tried to say hi, I was nice. I wasn't awkward. I wasn't all up on Jacob in his face. I EXPLICITLY tried NOT to post things about having a boyfriend on Tumblr so he wouldn't feel bad. I EXPLICITLY did not put Jacob as my boyfriend on Facebook for a long time SO RYAN COULD FEEL BETTER. UGH. I just don't understand. I am so angry and frustrated and I've been really depressed because I feel like friendships that shouldn't be crumbling are doing so. It's stupid. Pointless.
Casey has stopped following me, too, but her presence on Tumblr is very limited. She might've just felt that I was stupid one day and decided to unfollow me. Meh. I feel that Casey's opinion of me has a great ability to fluctuate, and if Ryan is upset with me, and spoke to Casey of it, I feel that her opinion of me would probably be lessened after said conversation. Whatevs, though. Casey and I are tight when she wants us to be. I've told her many a time that I'll support her if she supports me.
SO I pointed out Julia following me on Tumblr because Julia and I have had a rocky history ever since Halloween sophomore year. I don't really want to discuss that, but I do want to say that Julia has always treated me personally with respect, even after she felt that I wronged her. I will always appreciate that from her. I really, really, genuinely enjoy our one-on-one conversations, and hope that somehow we can really become friends again. I feel like I miss her, a lot, which is pretty weird, because somedays I can kind of care less about her.... maybe I shouldn't say that after saying nice things and shit, but... I'm being honest here, y'know? I just like, am really sad all of these stupid, insignificant things get in our way of talking about films or book or boys or anything awesome... Julia and I connect so well on an intellectual level, and I just love talking to her about anything... I miss lunch! I still think of Julia when I put sprouts on a sandwich... they are better than lettuce... unless they're all gross because they've been left out forever... stupid d-hall.
Hrrrrm. I think that's enough about me being angry. I'm really sorry if that was hard to read. I'm going for super stream of consciousness here, as I type, I'm spelling most things wrong, and I only really stop typing to auto-correct my spelling errors.
EITHER WAY: the good.
1. Kristina
I've developed a very odd but nice friendship with Kristina. I like it a lot, and I hope one day we can just like, hang out, and I can not be awkward. I'm always awkward. Damnit!
2. Tumblr Teacher, Eli
SO I was really sneaky a few Fridays back and went out for a walk outside. (C'mon people, do I ever go outside willingly?! XDD) Anyway, I met this person I'd been talking to on Tumblr, Eli. He's the Tumblr Teacher! Such a cutie! See, the thing is, meeting people from the internet is sketchy in its own. Sure, midday, sunny, and at the Squiggle isn't exactly the place for some person to abduct someone or something, but it's really hard to convince other people that meeting people from the internet doesn't always lead to death... so I lied to Rayne about just going outside. I'm sorry Rayne, I also just kinda didn't want to explain at the time. I also have not told anyone about this... because I do think he's cute, and oh my gosh, if he lived in Santa Cruz, the amount of up ons I would try to be... heh. Prolly shouldn't say that, either, because Jacob will more than likely read this, but whatever. Honesty is the theme of this post. Besides... I'll prolly just tell him I made a long blog post anyway. I can't keep my mouth shut about anything! XD But, but, but Jacobi, if you are reading this madness, I want to tell you, though I am attracted to this other person, I am in no way pursuing it. Right now, I am with you (and very happy!), and I am not going to change that. I am sorry my heart is so fleeting, but currently, I am controlling it. For you. :)
Hrm, um, anyway. I really like this person, and am totally chill with just being friends with him. Don't have to date every cute guy I meet..!
Hrm so um, I feel like I'm out of things to talk about now. I guess. I also feel like I have to go read some Descartes for Senior Seminar. We had class outside yesterday. LitBro is best bro! <3 <3 <3
Blah blah blah, guess I don't mind the new Blogger too much, I can still sit here and type like a madwoman.
-- End Blog Post --
Showing posts with label Rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rant. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
Single
also entitled: Sexy and She Knows It, or: Smart and She Knows It.
hehe!
SO, BLOGGER, HOW YOU BEEN DOIN', BABY?
I posted on Tumblr like a week ago that I wasn't okay with confessing my heart on the internet. I still dunno how I feel about it anymore, BUT:
I need to speak. I need to write Goddamnit!
I also need to let some people know what the hell is going ooooon~
'Kay, so;
Ryan and I are not dating anymore. We have broken up.
We're still friends. And we're still having a hard time getting through the break-up, but as friends, we can support each other. While that does make it a little harder to deal with, too, I've seen how we function in a relationship, and I made the decision that we don't function as well as I need us to for both of us to stay healthy. Therefore, we are no longer together.
This doesn't mean that I hate him. In fact, I gotta say, I'm really proud of him for handling this as he is right now. He's trying to be strong, so we can be friends. I hope he can keep this up - Ryan is def a person that I do not want to lose. Yeah, he's a goofball, but that only prevents us from being in a romantic relationship. It doesn't prevent us from being friends nor does it prevent us from loving one another. I tell people I love them all the time - because there's all different kinds of love, and any kind of love felt should be expressed. I 100% still love Ryan. We're just not dating anymore. This decision also does not rule out a future for Ryan and I - it just rules out a future in the present time. (If that makes sense.)
Either way: that's what happened between me and Ryan. I'm obviously getting to be more and more okay with this, considering I'm solidifying my feelings in writing.
I want to address another "mystery" of happenings surrounding me: Jocab Victario.
So, um, one of the reasons why I fell so rapidly out of love with Ryan is because I started to fall for Jacob. He has grown so much, and it's not like he's an unattractive dude, so like, why would I not fall for the person who pretty much understands me better than my mother? The issue is here, though, that I don't know if I fell for Jacob for comfort only. I need crazy passion in a relationship. I'll tell ya right now -- sex is important to me -- and I dunno if he and I can connect on that level as well as I'd like to. It's weird. But that's all I want to say on this. Talking about sexuality makes me blush! I'm unsure of my feelings for him -- unsure meaning I'm not 100%, y'know? Shit is sketchy.
The one thing I am sure of is right now, I don't want to make plans for the "future." I want to live my life right now. I want to meet new people, have new experiences, and do new things (not hard drugs <.
SO: now I'll explain the other titles.
Sexy and She Knows It: lately, I've had a huge surge of self-confidence. I gotta tell ya - me running around in just a bra and cardigan is not a normal Darlene thing. That is a confident and hot as fuck Darlene thing. I'm super down with this. My life has been a whole lot more pleasant since I decided I don't look like a disfigured human being. I'm not afraid of my body anymore - I just fear the power it has over other human beings, 'cause oh baby, I like to abuse me some power. Hahahahahah XD
Smart and She Knows It: So now that I'm more or less okay with my physical appearance, I've become super self-conscious about my intelligence. At dinner the other night, for example, a few of the boys (Can you guess who?) made me feel like I didn't belong in college because I was too stupid to be here. Luckily, I am aware that people do think I'm smart, and just needed to call upon the Facebook Gods to remedy my rather depressed mood. And guess what? I think I'm smart, too. Why? 'Cause I am Goddamnit. I'm smart enough to realize that life isn't about what TV shows you watch, what music you listen to, what books you read, nor any other creation of humanity that humans can use to judge others by. Life is about enjoying it. Guess what? I like Legally Blonde. I will always like Legally Blonde. I will never disown that movie, because it was a part of me growing up as an individual. Whenever I see that film, I think of the bliss I enjoyed when I was a young girl. There's nothing fucking wrong with that, y'hear, world? There is nothing wrong with being happy. And even if I enjoyed Legally Blonde for complete asinine reasons, does that really matter? Newp. Not really. All that matters is that I had a good time. Now -- I'm not saying that having a good time takes precedence over everything in life. Self-discipline is super fucking important. But when all of the day's work is done -- shouldn't you have the right to sit down and do whatever the hell you want without some jackass judging you or calling you stupid for it? Yeah, you, jackass: fuck you. Please accuse me of being naive when your statement is the utter propagation of naivety, so I can enjoy a nice chuckle. Unless you just think the point of life is to be miserable. In that case, I just pity you, you sad, sad soul.
Either way: I'm a smarticle (a smart particle!).
Also: I'm booksmart. I love my major, and have a massive passion for studying literature. Just because I have extra work to do because I didn't receive all the culture I should have as a kid doesn't make me stupid. It just makes me an underdog. And you know what else it makes me? Awesome. Because I'm going to succeed without all of the other shit other people had. AND I'm probably going to do better than them. So fuck you again, you jackass trying to bring me down, f-u-c-k y-o-u. Laugh at me if you please, darlin', but when you're holed up in your room wallowing in your own self misery and pity, I'll be holed up in mine writing a fantastic book report, listening to bad pop and enjoying every fucking minute of it.
Don't hate me because you can't enjoy life like I can. Learn to enjoy life your own way, dumbass. Jealously is one of the worst -- and arguably most unproductive -- emotions, so why don't you just toss it out the window? It's worthless.
Erg and Steve went out with Casey! What! He's a butt.
(Note here: he could've gone out with anyone and still been a butt.)
UGH.
Word vomit is best vomit.
hehe!
SO, BLOGGER, HOW YOU BEEN DOIN', BABY?
I posted on Tumblr like a week ago that I wasn't okay with confessing my heart on the internet. I still dunno how I feel about it anymore, BUT:
I need to speak. I need to write Goddamnit!
I also need to let some people know what the hell is going ooooon~
'Kay, so;
Ryan and I are not dating anymore. We have broken up.
We're still friends. And we're still having a hard time getting through the break-up, but as friends, we can support each other. While that does make it a little harder to deal with, too, I've seen how we function in a relationship, and I made the decision that we don't function as well as I need us to for both of us to stay healthy. Therefore, we are no longer together.
This doesn't mean that I hate him. In fact, I gotta say, I'm really proud of him for handling this as he is right now. He's trying to be strong, so we can be friends. I hope he can keep this up - Ryan is def a person that I do not want to lose. Yeah, he's a goofball, but that only prevents us from being in a romantic relationship. It doesn't prevent us from being friends nor does it prevent us from loving one another. I tell people I love them all the time - because there's all different kinds of love, and any kind of love felt should be expressed. I 100% still love Ryan. We're just not dating anymore. This decision also does not rule out a future for Ryan and I - it just rules out a future in the present time. (If that makes sense.)
Either way: that's what happened between me and Ryan. I'm obviously getting to be more and more okay with this, considering I'm solidifying my feelings in writing.
I want to address another "mystery" of happenings surrounding me: Jocab Victario.
So, um, one of the reasons why I fell so rapidly out of love with Ryan is because I started to fall for Jacob. He has grown so much, and it's not like he's an unattractive dude, so like, why would I not fall for the person who pretty much understands me better than my mother? The issue is here, though, that I don't know if I fell for Jacob for comfort only. I need crazy passion in a relationship. I'll tell ya right now -- sex is important to me -- and I dunno if he and I can connect on that level as well as I'd like to. It's weird. But that's all I want to say on this. Talking about sexuality makes me blush! I'm unsure of my feelings for him -- unsure meaning I'm not 100%, y'know? Shit is sketchy.
The one thing I am sure of is right now, I don't want to make plans for the "future." I want to live my life right now. I want to meet new people, have new experiences, and do new things (not hard drugs <.
SO: now I'll explain the other titles.
Sexy and She Knows It: lately, I've had a huge surge of self-confidence. I gotta tell ya - me running around in just a bra and cardigan is not a normal Darlene thing. That is a confident and hot as fuck Darlene thing. I'm super down with this. My life has been a whole lot more pleasant since I decided I don't look like a disfigured human being. I'm not afraid of my body anymore - I just fear the power it has over other human beings, 'cause oh baby, I like to abuse me some power. Hahahahahah XD
Smart and She Knows It: So now that I'm more or less okay with my physical appearance, I've become super self-conscious about my intelligence. At dinner the other night, for example, a few of the boys (Can you guess who?) made me feel like I didn't belong in college because I was too stupid to be here. Luckily, I am aware that people do think I'm smart, and just needed to call upon the Facebook Gods to remedy my rather depressed mood. And guess what? I think I'm smart, too. Why? 'Cause I am Goddamnit. I'm smart enough to realize that life isn't about what TV shows you watch, what music you listen to, what books you read, nor any other creation of humanity that humans can use to judge others by. Life is about enjoying it. Guess what? I like Legally Blonde. I will always like Legally Blonde. I will never disown that movie, because it was a part of me growing up as an individual. Whenever I see that film, I think of the bliss I enjoyed when I was a young girl. There's nothing fucking wrong with that, y'hear, world? There is nothing wrong with being happy. And even if I enjoyed Legally Blonde for complete asinine reasons, does that really matter? Newp. Not really. All that matters is that I had a good time. Now -- I'm not saying that having a good time takes precedence over everything in life. Self-discipline is super fucking important. But when all of the day's work is done -- shouldn't you have the right to sit down and do whatever the hell you want without some jackass judging you or calling you stupid for it? Yeah, you, jackass: fuck you. Please accuse me of being naive when your statement is the utter propagation of naivety, so I can enjoy a nice chuckle. Unless you just think the point of life is to be miserable. In that case, I just pity you, you sad, sad soul.
Either way: I'm a smarticle (a smart particle!).
Also: I'm booksmart. I love my major, and have a massive passion for studying literature. Just because I have extra work to do because I didn't receive all the culture I should have as a kid doesn't make me stupid. It just makes me an underdog. And you know what else it makes me? Awesome. Because I'm going to succeed without all of the other shit other people had. AND I'm probably going to do better than them. So fuck you again, you jackass trying to bring me down, f-u-c-k y-o-u. Laugh at me if you please, darlin', but when you're holed up in your room wallowing in your own self misery and pity, I'll be holed up in mine writing a fantastic book report, listening to bad pop and enjoying every fucking minute of it.
Don't hate me because you can't enjoy life like I can. Learn to enjoy life your own way, dumbass. Jealously is one of the worst -- and arguably most unproductive -- emotions, so why don't you just toss it out the window? It's worthless.
Erg and Steve went out with Casey! What! He's a butt.
(Note here: he could've gone out with anyone and still been a butt.)
UGH.
Word vomit is best vomit.
Friday, June 24, 2011
K Now I'm Upset
Started playing FFXI again. 'Cause it's fun. I like FFXI.
The linkshell (guild-type thing) that I'm in has a lot of people who use the word gay as an insult.
I asked on our forums nicely and reasonably for people to stop.
Responses are fucking terrible. Ugh. Just tried to do something good, something easy, simple, and good. A small change. People fucking suck, though.
First bad response I got was "You shouldn't have posted this here."
Isn't the right to be a comfortable something to be discussed with everyone? Shouldn't everyone know there is nothing wrong with being gay? Or at least isn't the issue of respect something that should be discussed with everybody?
Jesus lord. This makes me so upset.
Another response I got that was more on the UGH I HATE PEOPLE side was, "I don't really care because I've known gay people who call stuff "hetero" as an insult."
I'd have the same damn problem with them, too. Fuck. This is so annoying to me.
The last response I got, right now, is "Gay is a derogatory term for homosexual people, so it doesn't matter that I use it in a derogatory way."
Since when is gay a derogatory term? Shit, I wasn't aware. If it is, someone let me know, please? Holy fuck.
All I've got to say is I'm fucking pissed. I was being so nice. So reasonable. Just wanted a small change.
Oh well, this is why I'm an ally. Fuck stupid people who can't think of others.
Here's the thread here if you want to check it out yourself.
The linkshell (guild-type thing) that I'm in has a lot of people who use the word gay as an insult.
I asked on our forums nicely and reasonably for people to stop.
Responses are fucking terrible. Ugh. Just tried to do something good, something easy, simple, and good. A small change. People fucking suck, though.
First bad response I got was "You shouldn't have posted this here."
Isn't the right to be a comfortable something to be discussed with everyone? Shouldn't everyone know there is nothing wrong with being gay? Or at least isn't the issue of respect something that should be discussed with everybody?
Jesus lord. This makes me so upset.
Another response I got that was more on the UGH I HATE PEOPLE side was, "I don't really care because I've known gay people who call stuff "hetero" as an insult."
I'd have the same damn problem with them, too. Fuck. This is so annoying to me.
The last response I got, right now, is "Gay is a derogatory term for homosexual people, so it doesn't matter that I use it in a derogatory way."
Since when is gay a derogatory term? Shit, I wasn't aware. If it is, someone let me know, please? Holy fuck.
All I've got to say is I'm fucking pissed. I was being so nice. So reasonable. Just wanted a small change.
Oh well, this is why I'm an ally. Fuck stupid people who can't think of others.
Here's the thread here if you want to check it out yourself.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
In Regards to Linus, Tyler, and being a "Drama-Infested Middle Schooler."
Dear anyone who gives a fuck:
I am extremely offended that people 1) created sides 2) took sides 3) threw insults. Ya'll realize that if you had told him to shut up, I'd not be pissed off and writing this now, yeah? I'm not going to sit here and insult anyone, though. I'm just going to explain why I, and some others (the fucks given now are 0) are upset.
While this piece involves Linus and Tyler, this is more of a defense of all the people who have a legitimate reason to be mad, and their right to not be insulted for feeling that way.
I feel like the biggest problem with this issue is the source of information was quite faulty, and a misunderstanding of the situation, on either side, would lead to a split on opinions. It has a few grey areas that can be twisted to promote either side...
To be frank: I didn't give a fuck at first. It was none of my damn business. I'm involved in this as a mediator because one friend wronged another, and I'd like one to feel better, and the other to learn and grow from this experience. I also wanted to make it possible to resolve this issue, because man oh man, the giant shitstorm it could cause would be one for the ages. Some resolution came about yesterday, but the situation is still complicated because I personally don't feel like all the facts have been brought to the table. Also: if I were not there, yesterday, to run as emissary between the two, set up a conversation, and mediate said conversation, Linus would have not really given Freshman a chance. Sometimes, it's good to have a middle person involved to resolve a conflict. Sometimes, shit really isn't your business, but you can help, and there's not a damn thing wrong with wanting to help other human beings. Linus and Freshman were both very appreciative of all I have done in this situation.
Because I was called a Middle Schooler, I now personally give a fuck, and while it is quite juvenile and not of my nature to respond to such a stupid accusation, I've been feeling quite rant-prone and am going to do so anyway... fucking tired of having mad shit talked about me, being aware of it, and doing nothing to stop it, 'cause I want to keep my friendships strong. But thinking about it: in the end, if I've got friends who speak so poorly of me behind my back, what do I have? Nothing. And I'm not okay with that. I want real friends who will treat me with the same kindness and respect I strive to treat them with. (Not saying I'm perfect, but fuck you if you don't think I genuinely try to be a good person.)
{End short tangent.}
{Back to the subject matter.}
I'll tell you right now, the other people up here give even less fucks. We're not upset that Tyler got with a girl - in fact, we're more than happy, he might be on track to get a life of his own - but the way in which he went about his actions was utterly disrespectful to Linus, and that's not okay.
Now, to explain why we're upset:
Earlier that day, before the party, we'd all been having lunch together, and Freshman brought up that he had invited Cassandra (which, was sketchy on its own, it wasn't his place to do so). He explicitly stated that, "I am not going to touch her for 2 months out of respect for Linus." He did exactly the opposite. Sure, he didn't go into the party with foul intentions, but he did not act the way he intended. This is a character flaw, the kid says one thing, and does another. It doesn't matter that he was drunk. When has that ever been a valid excuse for anything other than vomiting or falling over? So, why shouldn't we be upset that he deceived, even though there was no malicious intent, us (specifically, the people at lunch that day), and more importantly, Linus?
The other reason why people are upset is Linus had no closure. On their last date, Casandra told him that she was not ready for a relationship, and that she might be very interested later. While I'm aware this basically means "No, I'm not interested," in girl-speak, Linus himself did not understand it as such, thus he had no closure. He believed that there was still a strong chance for a relationship. If the situation was simply, they dated, and now they're not, Freshman would be totally in the right, but that's now how the cookie crumbled. His actions show a complete disrespect toward and disregard of Linus and his feelings. And now, I know ya'll don't give two fucks about Linus, but if it were say, Asher and Liz, I feel like this would be more of a big deal. Just because the situation involves Linus, it doesn't make it okay.
I'm going to use different people in an example here... to show my point...
Say when uh, Tanner and I broke up, Tanner obviously still had a lot of feelings for me... (Tanner you can debate this if you want, I'm just using this as an example, ok?) And if uh, let's say, Cameron were to totally disregard his feelings, and attempt to woo me (weird...), especially with the understanding that Tanner was still very emotionally involved with me, wouldn't you guys consider that a dick move? And furthermore, Tanner and I had officially "broken up," and there was no longer a chance for a relationship to develop... but I feel like Cameron would still be considered to have done something "wrong" to Tanner. Why isn't it the same for Linus? Because he's kind of a dick?
To elaborate further on Freshman's lack of respect: a person who was sober has told me that Freshman uttered, almost word for word, "Linus deserves it, because he's such a dick to me all the time." While understandable, because Linus isn't really the easiest of fellows to get along with, the reasoning here is not only immature, but completely disrespectful, and furthermore, said maliciously. AKA: not okay. It also demonstrates that Freshman was aware that his actions would hurt Linus. Why? Because he was aware that Linus was still involved with her... still attached...
His defense to the above is:
"I thought Linus was reacting much in the same way any guy would around someone he dated. I thought he was upset because that's what guys do. They get upset when they see someone they were once involved with with another person. They get pissy."
A grey area. It's Freshman's word that you have to either take or leave here.
More reason: most of us up here believe that Freshman was aware that Linus was still very attached to Cassandra. His defense is that he simply "forgot" a one-on-one conversation between himself and Linus regarding her specifically. Freshman recalled that, during that conversation, he said, "No, I do not like her, I just want to hang out with her." (Probably phrased less simply, and with less words, but meh.) His recognition of what he said is enough evidence for me that he did in fact remember said conversation, and conveniently "forgot" that the conversation took place when he was confronted about it. If he could have at the very least approached Linus and told him that he changed his mind, Linus, at that point, could be upset, 'cause competition sucks, but he could not be upset at Tyler for being up-front and honest with him. And I believe that he wouldn't be.
Another defense of Freshman's is that, "Linus doesn't talk to me, so how could I know he was interested in her?" I'm pretty sure the kid lives at my place, and hell, even Alec, our socially awkward I don't give a fuck champion, knew that Linus was crazy about her. My reaction is just simply: really? He had a whole fucking conversation with Linus about this matter... I cannot seriously believe that he can be that dumb. The logic does not work in my mind.
Another grey area: his word versus logical reasoning.
I'd also like to take the time to point out that he went straight to the downtown house after the incident. While I did tell him to stay away from my place for a while, to let Linus calm himself, I see Freshman going to the downtown house as a demonstration of his guilt... while I am aware that Ryan initially gave him a hi-five for his "victory" the night before, and that is what started conversation, Freshman told me that his intention in going to the downtown house was, "I just wanted to make sure they weren't all pissed at me." What he did, in addition to that, was tell his story so that what happens seems like no big deal, in order to make himself feel better, because the kid isn't stupid, and he's well aware that he dun goofed. And with a situation that can be swayed to either side, well, it's quite understandable that one could perceive someone being upset about it as acting childish, or being a "Drama-Infested Middle Schooler," to quote.
To further my argument: I'm also going to point out that this is not the first instance in which Tyler has been all over a girl who he should have not been. I'm not going to go into the details, but the fact that this has happened twice now is even more reason to be upset. He's not learning.
Either way, please don't call me a drama-infested middle schooler again. I really don't like it, nor does anyone else here (though we did have a good chuckle!) I personally do not get mad at anyone unless I've got a legitimate reason to be, and I believe that the utter lack of respect for Linus is plenty reason for me to be upset. His lack of respect for Linus tells me that, in the future, he is quite capable of disrespecting others. This is not okay. My friends, people who aren't my friends, and random ass human beings all deserve respect.
I'd also like to point out that, while I just wrote a almost quite literally essay on this matter, people are not nearly as pissed off as I make it out to be, save Linus. I have a way in writing that comes off as very intense, because I'm extremely meticulous in my arguments, and I just want to make sure that all who read this post know that I'm not sitting here, as if I were a cauldron of fucked up potato soup, boiling over like a crazed loon. Additionally, it is very hard to convey human emotion in the written word, (at least compared to speech) so I've written this paragraph to soften any hard edges of this statement.
But honestly, in the end, all I want to say is: I feel like if we, as an entire group, could talk things out, and come to a singular conclusion rather than have each side spread rumors, insult one another (I'm not saying On Campus people are innocent, by any means, so you know) and jumble information, drama would not be that big of a deal. But it's going to take all of us acting like the adults we tell ourselves we are to do something like that. And sadly, with our history, I don't see it happening anytime soon.
Thanks for readin' & toodles!
Edited once at about 10:00 AM, after Lit.
I am extremely offended that people 1) created sides 2) took sides 3) threw insults. Ya'll realize that if you had told him to shut up, I'd not be pissed off and writing this now, yeah? I'm not going to sit here and insult anyone, though. I'm just going to explain why I, and some others (the fucks given now are 0) are upset.
While this piece involves Linus and Tyler, this is more of a defense of all the people who have a legitimate reason to be mad, and their right to not be insulted for feeling that way.
I feel like the biggest problem with this issue is the source of information was quite faulty, and a misunderstanding of the situation, on either side, would lead to a split on opinions. It has a few grey areas that can be twisted to promote either side...
To be frank: I didn't give a fuck at first. It was none of my damn business. I'm involved in this as a mediator because one friend wronged another, and I'd like one to feel better, and the other to learn and grow from this experience. I also wanted to make it possible to resolve this issue, because man oh man, the giant shitstorm it could cause would be one for the ages. Some resolution came about yesterday, but the situation is still complicated because I personally don't feel like all the facts have been brought to the table. Also: if I were not there, yesterday, to run as emissary between the two, set up a conversation, and mediate said conversation, Linus would have not really given Freshman a chance. Sometimes, it's good to have a middle person involved to resolve a conflict. Sometimes, shit really isn't your business, but you can help, and there's not a damn thing wrong with wanting to help other human beings. Linus and Freshman were both very appreciative of all I have done in this situation.
Because I was called a Middle Schooler, I now personally give a fuck, and while it is quite juvenile and not of my nature to respond to such a stupid accusation, I've been feeling quite rant-prone and am going to do so anyway... fucking tired of having mad shit talked about me, being aware of it, and doing nothing to stop it, 'cause I want to keep my friendships strong. But thinking about it: in the end, if I've got friends who speak so poorly of me behind my back, what do I have? Nothing. And I'm not okay with that. I want real friends who will treat me with the same kindness and respect I strive to treat them with. (Not saying I'm perfect, but fuck you if you don't think I genuinely try to be a good person.)
{End short tangent.}
{Back to the subject matter.}
I'll tell you right now, the other people up here give even less fucks. We're not upset that Tyler got with a girl - in fact, we're more than happy, he might be on track to get a life of his own - but the way in which he went about his actions was utterly disrespectful to Linus, and that's not okay.
Now, to explain why we're upset:
Earlier that day, before the party, we'd all been having lunch together, and Freshman brought up that he had invited Cassandra (which, was sketchy on its own, it wasn't his place to do so). He explicitly stated that, "I am not going to touch her for 2 months out of respect for Linus." He did exactly the opposite. Sure, he didn't go into the party with foul intentions, but he did not act the way he intended. This is a character flaw, the kid says one thing, and does another. It doesn't matter that he was drunk. When has that ever been a valid excuse for anything other than vomiting or falling over? So, why shouldn't we be upset that he deceived, even though there was no malicious intent, us (specifically, the people at lunch that day), and more importantly, Linus?
The other reason why people are upset is Linus had no closure. On their last date, Casandra told him that she was not ready for a relationship, and that she might be very interested later. While I'm aware this basically means "No, I'm not interested," in girl-speak, Linus himself did not understand it as such, thus he had no closure. He believed that there was still a strong chance for a relationship. If the situation was simply, they dated, and now they're not, Freshman would be totally in the right, but that's now how the cookie crumbled. His actions show a complete disrespect toward and disregard of Linus and his feelings. And now, I know ya'll don't give two fucks about Linus, but if it were say, Asher and Liz, I feel like this would be more of a big deal. Just because the situation involves Linus, it doesn't make it okay.
I'm going to use different people in an example here... to show my point...
Say when uh, Tanner and I broke up, Tanner obviously still had a lot of feelings for me... (Tanner you can debate this if you want, I'm just using this as an example, ok?) And if uh, let's say, Cameron were to totally disregard his feelings, and attempt to woo me (weird...), especially with the understanding that Tanner was still very emotionally involved with me, wouldn't you guys consider that a dick move? And furthermore, Tanner and I had officially "broken up," and there was no longer a chance for a relationship to develop... but I feel like Cameron would still be considered to have done something "wrong" to Tanner. Why isn't it the same for Linus? Because he's kind of a dick?
To elaborate further on Freshman's lack of respect: a person who was sober has told me that Freshman uttered, almost word for word, "Linus deserves it, because he's such a dick to me all the time." While understandable, because Linus isn't really the easiest of fellows to get along with, the reasoning here is not only immature, but completely disrespectful, and furthermore, said maliciously. AKA: not okay. It also demonstrates that Freshman was aware that his actions would hurt Linus. Why? Because he was aware that Linus was still involved with her... still attached...
His defense to the above is:
"I thought Linus was reacting much in the same way any guy would around someone he dated. I thought he was upset because that's what guys do. They get upset when they see someone they were once involved with with another person. They get pissy."
A grey area. It's Freshman's word that you have to either take or leave here.
More reason: most of us up here believe that Freshman was aware that Linus was still very attached to Cassandra. His defense is that he simply "forgot" a one-on-one conversation between himself and Linus regarding her specifically. Freshman recalled that, during that conversation, he said, "No, I do not like her, I just want to hang out with her." (Probably phrased less simply, and with less words, but meh.) His recognition of what he said is enough evidence for me that he did in fact remember said conversation, and conveniently "forgot" that the conversation took place when he was confronted about it. If he could have at the very least approached Linus and told him that he changed his mind, Linus, at that point, could be upset, 'cause competition sucks, but he could not be upset at Tyler for being up-front and honest with him. And I believe that he wouldn't be.
Another defense of Freshman's is that, "Linus doesn't talk to me, so how could I know he was interested in her?" I'm pretty sure the kid lives at my place, and hell, even Alec, our socially awkward I don't give a fuck champion, knew that Linus was crazy about her. My reaction is just simply: really? He had a whole fucking conversation with Linus about this matter... I cannot seriously believe that he can be that dumb. The logic does not work in my mind.
Another grey area: his word versus logical reasoning.
I'd also like to take the time to point out that he went straight to the downtown house after the incident. While I did tell him to stay away from my place for a while, to let Linus calm himself, I see Freshman going to the downtown house as a demonstration of his guilt... while I am aware that Ryan initially gave him a hi-five for his "victory" the night before, and that is what started conversation, Freshman told me that his intention in going to the downtown house was, "I just wanted to make sure they weren't all pissed at me." What he did, in addition to that, was tell his story so that what happens seems like no big deal, in order to make himself feel better, because the kid isn't stupid, and he's well aware that he dun goofed. And with a situation that can be swayed to either side, well, it's quite understandable that one could perceive someone being upset about it as acting childish, or being a "Drama-Infested Middle Schooler," to quote.
To further my argument: I'm also going to point out that this is not the first instance in which Tyler has been all over a girl who he should have not been. I'm not going to go into the details, but the fact that this has happened twice now is even more reason to be upset. He's not learning.
Either way, please don't call me a drama-infested middle schooler again. I really don't like it, nor does anyone else here (though we did have a good chuckle!) I personally do not get mad at anyone unless I've got a legitimate reason to be, and I believe that the utter lack of respect for Linus is plenty reason for me to be upset. His lack of respect for Linus tells me that, in the future, he is quite capable of disrespecting others. This is not okay. My friends, people who aren't my friends, and random ass human beings all deserve respect.
I'd also like to point out that, while I just wrote a almost quite literally essay on this matter, people are not nearly as pissed off as I make it out to be, save Linus. I have a way in writing that comes off as very intense, because I'm extremely meticulous in my arguments, and I just want to make sure that all who read this post know that I'm not sitting here, as if I were a cauldron of fucked up potato soup, boiling over like a crazed loon. Additionally, it is very hard to convey human emotion in the written word, (at least compared to speech) so I've written this paragraph to soften any hard edges of this statement.
But honestly, in the end, all I want to say is: I feel like if we, as an entire group, could talk things out, and come to a singular conclusion rather than have each side spread rumors, insult one another (I'm not saying On Campus people are innocent, by any means, so you know) and jumble information, drama would not be that big of a deal. But it's going to take all of us acting like the adults we tell ourselves we are to do something like that. And sadly, with our history, I don't see it happening anytime soon.
Thanks for readin' & toodles!
Edited once at about 10:00 AM, after Lit.
Monday, February 28, 2011
"Beatiful People" on Tumblr - Thoughts
Many a person on Tumblr spams my dashboard with many a photo of a "Beautiful person" and while I'd agree that the photos they post of people are quite nice, and quite attractive, for some reason, they bother me. They gnaw at my brain. They make me uncomfortable. And this morning, I finally figured out why.
These "beautiful people" are simply photos. That's it. Nothing about who they are, what they do, their interests, their talents, their dreams...
Is the girl pictured about beautiful because her hair's red? Because she's wearing thigh high socks? Because her face is very pretty and well made-up? Is she pretty because she's the idea of "different"? Why, of all the pictures of people, did you post this one? By posting this picture, what are you saying about yourself? Are you wishing you could look like her? Are you wishing you were different, like her? What are you trying to promote? What are you saying about her?
You know how to be different? Be yourself. Everyone is unique and special -- don't let idiotic conceptions of beauty destroy who you are. I'm blonde, with blue eyes, white as fuck, and I know I'm different. I look totally fuckin' normal, not special in any way, and yet, I'm beautiful. (Fuck yeah Lady Gaga, anyone? Born This Way premiered today! XD) Sure my face is scarred from the years of acne I've endured, but fuck man, does that really matter? I freak the fuck out about my face because I feel ugly, due to society that we live in. Scars aren't pretty, therefore I'm not pretty. Fucking bullshit. This world is God damned stupid. Haha. If the world saw more in people than the way they look, I'd of never felt awful about myself for the last... what, 7 years? I don't get a chance to show people who I am, because I'm so damn worried they won't even communicate with me because I'm simply too ugly. I don't have to wear weird clothes or dye my hair crazy colors to know I'm different, sure, I can understand the reasoning behind "Man, my hair looks fucking cool with a purple streak in it," but ugghhh... rage rage rage... I really, really, hate people's idea of beauty, and people who post on Tumblr just promote the shit out of the idea. Soooooo disturbing to me...
One can run around promoting how different they are, or they can just be different.
One can run around promoting how much of a nice guy he is, or he can just be a nice guy.
Actions people, actions. They speak so much more.
How can someone be considered beautiful if they're just an image? Just a photo? What if the person in said picture is posing to make a few extra bucks to fund her crack addiction as her baby daddy struggles to feed the newborn she's too fucked up to take care of? Is she still beautiful? I'm sorry, but I beg to differ... looks aren't everything, people.
Also: photoshop. lol.
Furthermore, there's no stories behind these pictures. They're shallow. One-dimensional. And they promote a very crude and limited sense of beauty. Being beautiful is so much more than nice tits and an ass... ARRRGGGHHH
Now, when I get drunk, one of the most common things I utter is, "Look at all the beautiful people." And most people would say because I'm drunk, the phrase means a whole lot less. I once again, beg to differ. I feel like I'm most honest when my walls are down, and alcohol breaks 'em down real fast...
Anyway, I'ma point out somethin' real quick like:
I usually say "Look at all the beautiful people" around my closest friends, the ones I truly know are beautiful - while we're dancing, chillin' around a hookah, playin' Apples to Apples, having awesome drunk moments, or simply watching a Giants game. Then again, I believe that there's at least one thing about a person that makes them beautiful... so... euh. It's not uncommon for me to say something of the sort on say, a dance floor. Oh but I can explain that! Dancing is something that is very personal, even if it's just flailing... people can express themselves through dance, and that's why a bunch of dancing people is beautiful! They're expressing something of themselves to everyone else, and how can anyone scoff at that? How can that not be beautiful? Dance, especially drunk dancing, is a very raw form of human expression... a unique expression of one's self... Yeah! (I sometimes say "Look at all the beautiful people!" to make KendalKorn giggle, too, 'cause for some reason she's super amused by it... :])
Anyway! I didn't say it once this last party -- because I didn't freakin' know anyone there. (Also: not drunk? Dunno if I said it [in the context I'm writing of] at the party before this, but uh... yeah, here's a loop in my argument!) XD Party was weird as fuck, I got creeped on, and I got to spend maybe a fraction of my time there with my actual friends, because they were too busy freakin' the fuck out about the random ass people who showed up who ended up getting pretty sick... ugh... worries + booze = not happy.
I also have a "Beautiful Man Wall" here in my room, which I'd think most people would consider a flag for "Hey, you don't give a fuck about beauty!" Why do I think they're beautiful? I've watched every single person on my wall. Most are from movies, or Matt Bellamy... I've got an image of them, and their personalities in my mind. They're not just a body... not just an image of what I consider "attractive." While I'm kind of aware that Johnny Depp is kind of an asshole, the roles he plays (the Mad Hatter, Captain Jack) are what I associate his personality with, so y'know, it's a little off, but yeah... I think my point has been made...
Shit man I don't even know... I gotta go eat breakfast...
I'm just glad I figured out why these pictures bother me. They're attractive (these chicks are def hot, I'm not arguing against what they look like at all!), not beautiful. Beauty is so much more than a picture on Tumblr. Stupid materialistic world... stupid stupid stupid... rageragerage
I feel like I can write about Derrida now. Hello, thinking mood.
SO HUNGRRRRYYY XDD
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
From Blank to Blank
Dear people who make Glee:
What the FUCK? I mean seriously guys, what the flying fuck happened to this show? I legit enjoyed it for the first season, but ya'll covered KE$HA. Fucking Ke$ha. Really? And before that, Justin Bieber? I mean, ya'll poked some good fun at him, which I appreciated, 'cause I don't even have the slightest idea as to why a 16 year old Canadian girl is taking over the world, but what the hell? You promoted the "Biebs." Last season, ya'll covered Wicked. Defying Gravity, motherfuckers. Songs with lyrics that make sense. Songs that are ACTUALLY MUSIC. I just don't understand... Glee, what happened? Where did your plot go? Where did the rockin' as fuck adorable redhead counselor run off to? And what about John Fucking Stamos, man? He's so cool.
Grrrr... rant more later... publish in Fish Rap... consider writing actual letter...
What the FUCK? I mean seriously guys, what the flying fuck happened to this show? I legit enjoyed it for the first season, but ya'll covered KE$HA. Fucking Ke$ha. Really? And before that, Justin Bieber? I mean, ya'll poked some good fun at him, which I appreciated, 'cause I don't even have the slightest idea as to why a 16 year old Canadian girl is taking over the world, but what the hell? You promoted the "Biebs." Last season, ya'll covered Wicked. Defying Gravity, motherfuckers. Songs with lyrics that make sense. Songs that are ACTUALLY MUSIC. I just don't understand... Glee, what happened? Where did your plot go? Where did the rockin' as fuck adorable redhead counselor run off to? And what about John Fucking Stamos, man? He's so cool.
Grrrr... rant more later... publish in Fish Rap... consider writing actual letter...
Sunday, February 20, 2011
I Am!
Never gonna be good enough for some people,
BUT
with time,
I'm realizing that,
those who deny me, ditch me, make me feel lonely,
aren't good enough for me.
So fuck ya'll, fuck everything, I'm a damn good person and should be treated accordingly. I gotta stop being nice to people who could give zero fucks 'bout me. It's taken quite a while -- 'cause I believe in the good of errybody, but, y'know... it's silly to keep believing when it more or less kills you on the inside. Mental health man, it's important.
YAY!
Lots of deep conversation last night. Got some super lacking of self-confidence out. Was good. Got to meet Cory's sister and her friends. Also, good.
I did blow up my friend's Facebook a little, though:
BUT
with time,
I'm realizing that,
those who deny me, ditch me, make me feel lonely,
aren't good enough for me.
So fuck ya'll, fuck everything, I'm a damn good person and should be treated accordingly. I gotta stop being nice to people who could give zero fucks 'bout me. It's taken quite a while -- 'cause I believe in the good of errybody, but, y'know... it's silly to keep believing when it more or less kills you on the inside. Mental health man, it's important.
YAY!
Lots of deep conversation last night. Got some super lacking of self-confidence out. Was good. Got to meet Cory's sister and her friends. Also, good.
I did blow up my friend's Facebook a little, though:
Monday, January 24, 2011
Raging Darlene
UUUGGGGGGGGGGGGH.
Really? REALLY?
REALLY?
How the fuck could you expect me to find this lighthearted and silly?
So angry. So angry. And then you go off and cry to Tiffney? REALLY?
Fuck this. Fuck yoooou.
I was so damned freaking nice to wait until you got here in SC so I could tell you personally, face-to-face, that it wasn't going to work. I gave you the respect you deserved, as a friend of mine, and a human being. That's a whole hell lot better than over the phone, as I usually would, like a damned coward, and now you throw this in my FACE? REALLY?
I can't even believe this shit. Just. Ugh. UGH UGH UGH. I've got ballet today, and a paper to write. I really want to go to ballet, but I've more or less lost the motivation due to the SICKENING FEELING IN MY STOMACH.
Why am I so mad? You've proven, once again, that you will stop at no bounds to get what you want. I'm sorry you're bored. I'm sorry you're lonely. I'M SORRY I WANTED A DAMNED WEEK TO NOT STRESS ABOUT YOU. FUCCCCCCCCCK.
So angry. So angry. Blogs are good for anger. So are froot loops.
You expect me to talk to you. Hah. Maybe when I've got the time to be emotionally exhausted...
Fuck everything. So sad...
Really? REALLY?
REALLY?
How the fuck could you expect me to find this lighthearted and silly?
So angry. So angry. And then you go off and cry to Tiffney? REALLY?
Fuck this. Fuck yoooou.
I was so damned freaking nice to wait until you got here in SC so I could tell you personally, face-to-face, that it wasn't going to work. I gave you the respect you deserved, as a friend of mine, and a human being. That's a whole hell lot better than over the phone, as I usually would, like a damned coward, and now you throw this in my FACE? REALLY?
I can't even believe this shit. Just. Ugh. UGH UGH UGH. I've got ballet today, and a paper to write. I really want to go to ballet, but I've more or less lost the motivation due to the SICKENING FEELING IN MY STOMACH.
Why am I so mad? You've proven, once again, that you will stop at no bounds to get what you want. I'm sorry you're bored. I'm sorry you're lonely. I'M SORRY I WANTED A DAMNED WEEK TO NOT STRESS ABOUT YOU. FUCCCCCCCCCK.
So angry. So angry. Blogs are good for anger. So are froot loops.
You expect me to talk to you. Hah. Maybe when I've got the time to be emotionally exhausted...
Fuck everything. So sad...
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Aggrivation, Yes Baby!
Hrmm. Kinda tempted to rant...
and seeing as I've already started a post:
Let the blood bath begin!
This one is for a friend (?) who has had his own posts before~
I know you know who you are. What I don't know is if you give a flying fuck enough anymore to even remember my blog exists.
See, now, I'm really happy that you've met someone. Honestly. It was all I was hoping for this summer. I wanted you to be happy, and now you are. Though I do find the fact that she's 16 (and just turned 16, too) pretty creepy. Not because she's immature, or anything, and I do like her, just there's a huge age difference. It's... concerning.
Why am I mad, then?
You used to always have the feeling that I was just using you until I went back to Santa Cruz, and I told you that we were actually friends. I felt so bad for so long and tried so hard to prove otherwise.
And now~
Funny how things work, right? Being used and all?
The moment you found someone new, I was out like garbage - not that I mind all that much, because you were taking one hell of a toll on my mental state, but whatever. It's just annoying, and I guess I'd say rude? I guess I might even deserve it, but yeah... thought you were working on your friendships, and your ability to maintain them? Hm.
Oh well, way to be an ass. It is indeed, the reason why I never gave you a chance. Funny that that was the exact reason you gave to Chelsea and Kayla when they asked why we weren't together.
And for your benefit, I'll explain why I was so pissed that you went crazy when Tony was here:
1. You met him. You hung out with him. You knew I was perfectly fine with him, and yet you still blew up not only my, but his phone.
2. Your reaction tells me that you believe that I can't handle myself around guys.
3. I was well aware that he liked me. You should have been aware that I can make whatever decision I want when it comes to my relationships. Also: tidbit of info here: I wasn't interested romantically.
4. You did the same thing a month before. I showed interest in a human being, you went crazy. I stopped talking to you for like a week, thought you learned your lesson. Guess not.
I've said before that I see you as a brother-type figure. Which would be fine and dandy if you weren't the overprotective type.
and seeing as I've already started a post:
Let the blood bath begin!
This one is for a friend (?) who has had his own posts before~
I know you know who you are. What I don't know is if you give a flying fuck enough anymore to even remember my blog exists.
See, now, I'm really happy that you've met someone. Honestly. It was all I was hoping for this summer. I wanted you to be happy, and now you are. Though I do find the fact that she's 16 (and just turned 16, too) pretty creepy. Not because she's immature, or anything, and I do like her, just there's a huge age difference. It's... concerning.
Why am I mad, then?
You used to always have the feeling that I was just using you until I went back to Santa Cruz, and I told you that we were actually friends. I felt so bad for so long and tried so hard to prove otherwise.
And now~
Funny how things work, right? Being used and all?
The moment you found someone new, I was out like garbage - not that I mind all that much, because you were taking one hell of a toll on my mental state, but whatever. It's just annoying, and I guess I'd say rude? I guess I might even deserve it, but yeah... thought you were working on your friendships, and your ability to maintain them? Hm.
Oh well, way to be an ass. It is indeed, the reason why I never gave you a chance. Funny that that was the exact reason you gave to Chelsea and Kayla when they asked why we weren't together.
And for your benefit, I'll explain why I was so pissed that you went crazy when Tony was here:
1. You met him. You hung out with him. You knew I was perfectly fine with him, and yet you still blew up not only my, but his phone.
2. Your reaction tells me that you believe that I can't handle myself around guys.
3. I was well aware that he liked me. You should have been aware that I can make whatever decision I want when it comes to my relationships. Also: tidbit of info here: I wasn't interested romantically.
4. You did the same thing a month before. I showed interest in a human being, you went crazy. I stopped talking to you for like a week, thought you learned your lesson. Guess not.
I've said before that I see you as a brother-type figure. Which would be fine and dandy if you weren't the overprotective type.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
HEY YOU LOOK FUCKING STUPID
MORE RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGE
(I am def PMSing. XDD)
People on Facebook are hellamotherfucking lucky that I didn't put a pic of them on here. I was tempted. Instead, because I felt mercy was due (for some stupid reason) I googled "hipster glasses" and got that pic up there. ↑ Girl isn't even ugly. Just LOOKS STUPID IN THOSE DAMNED GLASSES. I hate everything they embody. ~.~
(I am def PMSing. XDD)
People on Facebook are hellamotherfucking lucky that I didn't put a pic of them on here. I was tempted. Instead, because I felt mercy was due (for some stupid reason) I googled "hipster glasses" and got that pic up there. ↑ Girl isn't even ugly. Just LOOKS STUPID IN THOSE DAMNED GLASSES. I hate everything they embody. ~.~
I'M BAACK
SO, after a loooooooooooong time spent laptop-less, I have returned.
And oh, dear blogger, I missed you a ton. No venting room is torture.
There's been quite a bit to vent about, as well...
BUT! I started writing this post specifically for a certain little reason.
Me... I don't trust myself anymore. But I know I'm a good person. A cool person. A person people like to be around. I'm not as shy as I make myself out to be. I don't want to be so damned shy anymore. The only reason I ever was in the first place was the fact that I was so damned scared of what everyone would think...
For example: during camping trips with the Specerts (and Matty! :]) I am bat-shit crazy. Borderline insane, and I am so happy. So joyous. And my happiness, and almost retardation keeps me, me. I really needed that camping trip to make me feel comfortable in my own skin again. I mean, after last year, I thought I was not only ugly, which for me, is sadly a thought I think of myself far too often, but too loose, as in I thought that I was borderline skank. I didn't do anything. Nope. I don't believe that shit, but I feel like I pretty much convinced myself that I was a terrible person. I'm not. I know I'm not. I am aware of who I am... I just have to remember this year that if people don't like me as the ditzy, loud, blonde girl who's happiness rivals that of another's depression, well, fuck 'em. I never really had this problem in high school. Never had to deal with the dire need to make friends. When I got to UCSC, I know that I was somewhat in a state of panic. And then I broke my hand. Found people. Some good, some bad. Still pains me to say that some are bad... but that'll be okay eventually when we both grow up a little more.
Okay... so! I want to discuss my super self consciousness about being skanky, loose, or minorly whorish, because I remember hearing last year that the girls thought I was a little loose. All I've got to say is wow, you either A) Lied to please the crazy B) Actually think so... SO I'm going to make clear that: Any action I took last year regarding men was not slutty. It's OK to like men or women, or whoever, just to clarify so I'm not seen as being discriminatory, and want to be in a relationship. I'm going to list some "boy" instances for me this year, and explain what I think about them, then say a piece on my ideas about dating, and stuff like that.
1) First crushes - People in Santa Cruz were new, attractive, and interesting. I basically had a crush on everyone and was a little bit of a creeper. I'll admit that. But I didn't do anything with anyone nor develop any actual feelings for any of those people. A crush is a crush. It's a silly infatuation.
2) Marc - I thought he liked me, I liked him. I feel like that's self explanatory.
3) Drunk Darlene - This is something I really want to address. Once Mark stopped talking to me last year I had nobody to feel totally comfortable around when I was drunk. I remember being asked once, "Why do you want to be with Ryan so bad?" Why? Because I trust him. I more than likely even liked Ryan more, and wanted to be with him because he was my friend. The hanging-off-ness comes with the Drunk Darlene package, I'm afraid -- but if that were ever to become an actual issue that needed to be worried about, y'know, I would've, but it didn't because Ryan and I are both mature enough to be around a member of the opposite sex and just be friends, (not to mention he has a wonderful girlfriend) doesn't mean I need to be attacked for wanting to be around him more than another group. After a while I started to branch out to more people, the people I really liked and trusted (Cam, Logan, British Jon). I did it with the girls too (Kendal, Julia, Liz), but that was never really noticed, and hey, personally, I'd prefer to hang off of a guy than a girl. I'm into them. IT'S OKAY TO BE A LITTLE FLIRTATIOUS. IT'S FUN. Just as long as you don't make bad decisions (AKA having drunk sex), I see nothing wrong with it. I mean God, I'm a whore? I'm just exploring my options. I'm only going to be in college once and I am going to live it up, explore, and hopefully find someone that will be my other half. I don't KNOW if it's going to happen in college, but it might, and why waste time not finding out? Er. Yeah. Rant. I just mostly wanted to say cuddling while drunk isn't slutty, it's pretty much perfectly normal.
4) Cameroon - I love Cam to death. We kind of both had a thing for each other, but decided it'd be best for us to just stay friends. I'm happy with it. :]
5) Creepy Kyle - So I was asked once, "Darlene, did you have sex with Creepy Kyle?" and I responded, "No." That's what happened. We hung out a bit, and I remember following him around one night, but nothing serious ever happened.
6) (cue dun dun dunnn) TANNER - DURRRRRRRRRRR this is the one that aggravates me the MOST! I feel like waiting a month, month and a half, maybe even two (I don't remember when they broke up) after a 1-2 month relationship is ample amount of time for someone to become interested in another person. AKA Tanner isn't a terrible person for liking me after some time, and nor am I a terrible person for giving him a chance. I had always liked Tanner as a person and I thought it might work out. Too bad it was the contrary, but whatever, he's still a very cherished friend, and c'mon, if we don't work, what more can I ask for? :D Either way, sure, I prolly messed up not asking Allyson if it was okay. I get that I crossed the line a little bit there, but then again, I sort of think that that was a silly place for the line. I had a best friend start dating a guy, who I had dated for 6-7 months, and had only been broken up with for a month. She's still my best friend. For me, men aren't worth friendships and some friends are not worth men, and the sooner more girls figure that out, the sooner I will have more female friends. I think with my brain and my heart, because anyone I am even minorly interested in dating is my friend. I honestly didn't think that it would become the biggest drama infestation I've ever had to deal with in my entire life. I didn't have to deal with petty bullshit of that level in high school. Just thinking about all of the idiotic pain and suffering I went through last year makes me want to throw up more. And I was already sick earlier today driving home from Fort Bragg. XD Oh, and, yeah. I had sex with Tanner. HE TOOK MY V-CARD, OH NO. Are you people crazy? Do you think Prince Charming is the only person you're ever going to have sex with? ARE YOU INSANE?! I'm glad Tanner was my first time. He's a good person and I trust him and I feel like he'll be a part of my life for a while - if not - oh well, life goes on.
I don't really know what else to say on that subject.
I feel a little better now, though. And my Mom's in my room talking to me so I guess I should prolly pay attention to her. Derp. ~.~
And oh, dear blogger, I missed you a ton. No venting room is torture.
There's been quite a bit to vent about, as well...
BUT! I started writing this post specifically for a certain little reason.
Me... I don't trust myself anymore. But I know I'm a good person. A cool person. A person people like to be around. I'm not as shy as I make myself out to be. I don't want to be so damned shy anymore. The only reason I ever was in the first place was the fact that I was so damned scared of what everyone would think...
For example: during camping trips with the Specerts (and Matty! :]) I am bat-shit crazy. Borderline insane, and I am so happy. So joyous. And my happiness, and almost retardation keeps me, me. I really needed that camping trip to make me feel comfortable in my own skin again. I mean, after last year, I thought I was not only ugly, which for me, is sadly a thought I think of myself far too often, but too loose, as in I thought that I was borderline skank. I didn't do anything. Nope. I don't believe that shit, but I feel like I pretty much convinced myself that I was a terrible person. I'm not. I know I'm not. I am aware of who I am... I just have to remember this year that if people don't like me as the ditzy, loud, blonde girl who's happiness rivals that of another's depression, well, fuck 'em. I never really had this problem in high school. Never had to deal with the dire need to make friends. When I got to UCSC, I know that I was somewhat in a state of panic. And then I broke my hand. Found people. Some good, some bad. Still pains me to say that some are bad... but that'll be okay eventually when we both grow up a little more.
Okay... so! I want to discuss my super self consciousness about being skanky, loose, or minorly whorish, because I remember hearing last year that the girls thought I was a little loose. All I've got to say is wow, you either A) Lied to please the crazy B) Actually think so... SO I'm going to make clear that: Any action I took last year regarding men was not slutty. It's OK to like men or women, or whoever, just to clarify so I'm not seen as being discriminatory, and want to be in a relationship. I'm going to list some "boy" instances for me this year, and explain what I think about them, then say a piece on my ideas about dating, and stuff like that.
1) First crushes - People in Santa Cruz were new, attractive, and interesting. I basically had a crush on everyone and was a little bit of a creeper. I'll admit that. But I didn't do anything with anyone nor develop any actual feelings for any of those people. A crush is a crush. It's a silly infatuation.
2) Marc - I thought he liked me, I liked him. I feel like that's self explanatory.
3) Drunk Darlene - This is something I really want to address. Once Mark stopped talking to me last year I had nobody to feel totally comfortable around when I was drunk. I remember being asked once, "Why do you want to be with Ryan so bad?" Why? Because I trust him. I more than likely even liked Ryan more, and wanted to be with him because he was my friend. The hanging-off-ness comes with the Drunk Darlene package, I'm afraid -- but if that were ever to become an actual issue that needed to be worried about, y'know, I would've, but it didn't because Ryan and I are both mature enough to be around a member of the opposite sex and just be friends, (not to mention he has a wonderful girlfriend) doesn't mean I need to be attacked for wanting to be around him more than another group. After a while I started to branch out to more people, the people I really liked and trusted (Cam, Logan, British Jon). I did it with the girls too (Kendal, Julia, Liz), but that was never really noticed, and hey, personally, I'd prefer to hang off of a guy than a girl. I'm into them. IT'S OKAY TO BE A LITTLE FLIRTATIOUS. IT'S FUN. Just as long as you don't make bad decisions (AKA having drunk sex), I see nothing wrong with it. I mean God, I'm a whore? I'm just exploring my options. I'm only going to be in college once and I am going to live it up, explore, and hopefully find someone that will be my other half. I don't KNOW if it's going to happen in college, but it might, and why waste time not finding out? Er. Yeah. Rant. I just mostly wanted to say cuddling while drunk isn't slutty, it's pretty much perfectly normal.
4) Cameroon - I love Cam to death. We kind of both had a thing for each other, but decided it'd be best for us to just stay friends. I'm happy with it. :]
5) Creepy Kyle - So I was asked once, "Darlene, did you have sex with Creepy Kyle?" and I responded, "No." That's what happened. We hung out a bit, and I remember following him around one night, but nothing serious ever happened.
6) (cue dun dun dunnn) TANNER - DURRRRRRRRRRR this is the one that aggravates me the MOST! I feel like waiting a month, month and a half, maybe even two (I don't remember when they broke up) after a 1-2 month relationship is ample amount of time for someone to become interested in another person. AKA Tanner isn't a terrible person for liking me after some time, and nor am I a terrible person for giving him a chance. I had always liked Tanner as a person and I thought it might work out. Too bad it was the contrary, but whatever, he's still a very cherished friend, and c'mon, if we don't work, what more can I ask for? :D Either way, sure, I prolly messed up not asking Allyson if it was okay. I get that I crossed the line a little bit there, but then again, I sort of think that that was a silly place for the line. I had a best friend start dating a guy, who I had dated for 6-7 months, and had only been broken up with for a month. She's still my best friend. For me, men aren't worth friendships and some friends are not worth men, and the sooner more girls figure that out, the sooner I will have more female friends. I think with my brain and my heart, because anyone I am even minorly interested in dating is my friend. I honestly didn't think that it would become the biggest drama infestation I've ever had to deal with in my entire life. I didn't have to deal with petty bullshit of that level in high school. Just thinking about all of the idiotic pain and suffering I went through last year makes me want to throw up more. And I was already sick earlier today driving home from Fort Bragg. XD Oh, and, yeah. I had sex with Tanner. HE TOOK MY V-CARD, OH NO. Are you people crazy? Do you think Prince Charming is the only person you're ever going to have sex with? ARE YOU INSANE?! I'm glad Tanner was my first time. He's a good person and I trust him and I feel like he'll be a part of my life for a while - if not - oh well, life goes on.
I don't really know what else to say on that subject.
I feel a little better now, though. And my Mom's in my room talking to me so I guess I should prolly pay attention to her. Derp. ~.~
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Darlene is Fucking Pissed.
Well shit, I sure know myself well.
I told you I'd more than likely be angry in the morning, right?
I sure wasn't kidding!
K now: Hello rant! Commence! Begin! Let the mother fucking river flow.
I am incredibly angry.
Do you realize what you did to me last night? You took advantage of the situation, you were so God damned freaking selfish. ARGHHH
I am so upset. I wanted to have a good night. And I WAS HAVING AN EXCELLENT NIGHT.
Who the hell are you to dictate my life? MY LIFE.
Who are you to judge the people I'm interested in?
Why didn't I give you a chance? BECAUSE I WASN'T INTERESTED IN YOU. DUH.
The last time I gave someone a chance that I wasn't completely interested in turned into a disaster. Luckily, he and I can still talk and be friends, but that's all I ever see for us. Friends. He just doesn't get it enough to be more than that to me. And I'm so glad I realized that soon enough for us to prolong our friendship. I enjoy it, quite a bit.
Fuck I'm so pissed because you have been dictating my life. I've pitied you to the point where I just freaking feel bad so I keep this going.
Now I'm mad. Genuinely pissed the fuck off.
Chris was right, Mr. Victoria. This needs to end. You need to spend time away from me and heal again. You need to leave me the fuck alone, sir. You're making both of us miserable. YOU ARE KILLING ME. I wanted to relax and have fun this summer. You're not allowing that to happen. You're burdening me with so many damned depressing horrible things. I've been dealing with my own depressing shit all year long, and that's driven me to near insanity. I just wanted to be around someone who I can just be happy with. You don't always have to delve into your or your friend's soul to attain happiness. Some things are better left unsaid. Cry about them later, at whatever time and place you see fit. I no longer want to deal with stupid horrible ugly unhappiness. I deserve to be happy, and being happy is a choice. You can choose to be happy. To ignore the ugly of the world, and appreciate the things that are good and simple. GOD DAMN I AM JUST SO ANGRY. Straight up DARLENE MOTHER FUCKIN' RAGE. Ugh. I'm so upset. Breaking in two. I tried my best. I did. I wanted things to be better. Should have just listened to Cindy. All I wanted was to make friends that were worthwhile, because I know and believe that a lot of people are. I want to get to know people better... I want to have a group of friends at home again. I'm not just home to be your personal pet friend type thing. God I'm so mad. SO MAD. You're preventing all of this, and additionally, killing me slowly. I've not cried like that in years, and the last time I cried like that in front of a person was prolly right before the eighth grade. Fuck you for taking advantage of me. For bringing this monster out of me. I want you to go away. Just go away. Right now being alone is better than this. Fucking hate emotions. They're God damned retarded and stupid. I don't know if I want you to actually go away, but you better get the freaking point: YOU DO NOT DICTATE MY LIFE. Stop making me feel bad. I just want to smile for a while, is that so bad? If I am going to make a mistake, let me make it. I'm sorry it's not good for you, but it's not like I'm going off to do lines every night or something. I'm just interested in a guy who isn't you.
I told you I'd more than likely be angry in the morning, right?
I sure wasn't kidding!
K now: Hello rant! Commence! Begin! Let the mother fucking river flow.
I am incredibly angry.
Do you realize what you did to me last night? You took advantage of the situation, you were so God damned freaking selfish. ARGHHH
I am so upset. I wanted to have a good night. And I WAS HAVING AN EXCELLENT NIGHT.
Who the hell are you to dictate my life? MY LIFE.
Who are you to judge the people I'm interested in?
Why didn't I give you a chance? BECAUSE I WASN'T INTERESTED IN YOU. DUH.
The last time I gave someone a chance that I wasn't completely interested in turned into a disaster. Luckily, he and I can still talk and be friends, but that's all I ever see for us. Friends. He just doesn't get it enough to be more than that to me. And I'm so glad I realized that soon enough for us to prolong our friendship. I enjoy it, quite a bit.
Fuck I'm so pissed because you have been dictating my life. I've pitied you to the point where I just freaking feel bad so I keep this going.
Now I'm mad. Genuinely pissed the fuck off.
Chris was right, Mr. Victoria. This needs to end. You need to spend time away from me and heal again. You need to leave me the fuck alone, sir. You're making both of us miserable. YOU ARE KILLING ME. I wanted to relax and have fun this summer. You're not allowing that to happen. You're burdening me with so many damned depressing horrible things. I've been dealing with my own depressing shit all year long, and that's driven me to near insanity. I just wanted to be around someone who I can just be happy with. You don't always have to delve into your or your friend's soul to attain happiness. Some things are better left unsaid. Cry about them later, at whatever time and place you see fit. I no longer want to deal with stupid horrible ugly unhappiness. I deserve to be happy, and being happy is a choice. You can choose to be happy. To ignore the ugly of the world, and appreciate the things that are good and simple. GOD DAMN I AM JUST SO ANGRY. Straight up DARLENE MOTHER FUCKIN' RAGE. Ugh. I'm so upset. Breaking in two. I tried my best. I did. I wanted things to be better. Should have just listened to Cindy. All I wanted was to make friends that were worthwhile, because I know and believe that a lot of people are. I want to get to know people better... I want to have a group of friends at home again. I'm not just home to be your personal pet friend type thing. God I'm so mad. SO MAD. You're preventing all of this, and additionally, killing me slowly. I've not cried like that in years, and the last time I cried like that in front of a person was prolly right before the eighth grade. Fuck you for taking advantage of me. For bringing this monster out of me. I want you to go away. Just go away. Right now being alone is better than this. Fucking hate emotions. They're God damned retarded and stupid. I don't know if I want you to actually go away, but you better get the freaking point: YOU DO NOT DICTATE MY LIFE. Stop making me feel bad. I just want to smile for a while, is that so bad? If I am going to make a mistake, let me make it. I'm sorry it's not good for you, but it's not like I'm going off to do lines every night or something. I'm just interested in a guy who isn't you.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
SO MUCH ANGST
So......
hi blog.
Sure haven't posted anything significant for a while...
News: done with first year of college.
Other news: God damn my life is aggravating.
This thing... the menu thing for Stranger than Fiction (good movie, btw) keeps playing and playing and playing and playing and I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. Except I do. But I don't want to move. I want to keep writing. What the hell is the point of moving, anyway? God I hate moving. I hate doing things. I have to think, and good lord I would be ecstatic to be out of my head for merely an hour. I also wish I could spell. GAAAHHH! GAH GAH GAH. I want to live in SoCal, I want more! ALWAYS MORE. Am I just a person who cannot be satisfied? I don't really want to live in SoCal. Fuck SoCal. Except the Lakers have cool colors, but man, silver and purple are so pretty together. Meh. I don't really care about basketball at all, anyway. I just enjoy doing things with friends, and y'know, if it means cheering for a team I could not give two shits (TWO SHITS! or would that be a half a shit, to make it less significant?) about, hell man, I'm there. I like to see people smile. A lot. I love to see people happy, I love to see them enjoying their lives, but I feel like that is all there is to life for me. I haven't basked in the awesome warmth that is happiness in a long time. Well, that's a lie. I was really happy when Mark gave me a hug when I asked for one. But that happiness was pretty much completely trampled upon by his and Allyson's act of totally ignoring me (Fuck that shit, btw, I had never felt so God damn abandoned in a long time). I wonder if either of them read this. God I miss Mark. I miss him being my friend, and not some person I have to worry about all the time (Y'know, when I'm around, this is kind of irrelevant now, and this is also inserted to make me seem less creepy. 'Cause I'm not that creepy, really.). Can we just go back, please? That's all I want. A friend. Well, I have Cindy here, but yeah, at college, I am miserable, I am so alone. I spend my time with Doctor Who. (Not that that is too much of an issue, 'cause good lord David Tennant is HOT) BUT GAH! My happiness comes from my fantasies, and not my own life. How do I create happiness? How does it happen? I was happy before? Can I be ignorant again? It seems that while I was, I was happy, I was content, I did not give a fuck. Man, I miss Ryan too. OH! Ryan. Ryan = best friend at college, by a long shot. But you see, while I have him, it's just... not the same. Y'know, person reading this? Ryan has Brytnny. I cannot, and will not, ever try to be more to him than she is (as in closeness, in case you're reading! :]), because that's just wrong, and I understand that and I'm good with that. I love that me and Ryan are friends. It's just... I get lonely. I get the type of lonely that I feel only like, love can cure. Maybe that's the thing with Cindy too. Maybe that's why where ever I go, I'm alone. I miss waking up everyday, with someone on my mind. Nowdays, all I can do is observe. I'm too holed up, too reserved, too shy to do a damned thing, or merely mention to anyone that I might slightly be interested. I just don't know. And now, here at home, I had so much hope for a friendship that I thought could possibly work again, but as the days drag on, my hope dwindles and dwindles. It's fucking impossible. Stupid happiness. I always think, should I have given him up? Heh. Except there's two "hims." Interesting fucking plot twist, assholes. Hehe. Always wanted to type that. Menu. Still. Going. Wonder how long I've been typing. Prolly not that long. Doesn't seem too long. Been texting Jacob in between. I need to do this more often. It's relaxing. I'm thinking about writing about how I feel about B5. Oh yes, dear reader, since I don't have to see faces for 3 months, and furthermore, prolly don't have to see any faces I don't want to more than random coincidence next year, fuck this shit. Fuck it in the butt. Butt butt. Christ. I'm so upset. I kind of hate everything B5 embodies. We came together to give everyone a home, to not judge, to be friendly, and care for each other. The only damned thing we accomplished was we became a family. A family with ups and downs, and aunts and uncles, and crazy people. (I don't know who out aunts and uncles would be, btw!) And like my family, we've got people that just resent each other. And until a while ago, that resentment was one sided. BUT HEY WORLD, GUESS WHAT, I'M A BITCH, I'VE GOT FEELINGS, AND I AM MOTHERFUCKING HUMAN, AND WILL BE TREATED ACCORDINGLY. Lord I am so angry right now. Sitting here like a true freaking writer. In complete silence (except for that damned menu thing - ironic the movie is about writing... kinda... whatever) Guess it's not complete silence but whatever. Urg. Shit I say should make sense. I think I consider this silence because it's like, a 30 second clip? Maybe not even that - on repeat. The noise is irrelevant to my thought, and stuff, so I guess I am considering it silence. Maybe this is why I can work well even where there is noise. I just ignore it. Holy shit on a stick I digress like a crazy soooon of a bitch! Hm. I'd like to meet a crazy son of a bitch. Might be my type. Durrrr. Durrr. Dylan. I love Dylan. He's such a sweetheart. And Rebecca. I'm sure she's taking very very good care of Smokey. Wish I could've seen her more. Such a cute mouse. I was totally prepared to take care of her, and I don't consider myself excused from faltering in her care because of Allyson's resentment of me. Should of just grew a God damned pair and shown the world, not even the world, 'cause like hell B5 is the world, that I am a person who is to be respected. Just because I'm ditsy and blonde doesn't mean that I do not think. It does not mean that I don't notice things. That I'm just a dumb clown. Those who believe I am have just not yet known the person I am. It's not like it's really all that easy to get to know me anyway,(unless you read this!) because I'm just bad at communicating. Bad at communicating. Such a God damned stupid awful phrase and excuse. I'm not even trying to be discreet. Thinking that your issues are above everyone else's in the world. Hi, you're just about the most conceited person I've ever met. I'm not going to say my shit is more terrible, less terrible, or equally terrible than yours, girlie, but darlin', for you to be so damned selfish and not think of ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO ARE CURRENTLY DYING makes me sick to my stomach. Fucking shit dude. I'm enjoying this wall of text. It's making me happy. I am venting. Yet, there is no expression on my face. No tears. No expressed anger. Just me, sitting here, typing, typing away. Typing away two quarters of pain misery sorrow and loneliness. Fuck being lonely. I don't want to guys to pick on Ryan for being not-so-great at DotA. Who the fuck cares about DotA? Nobody should get hurt over stupid, stupid games. Games are for fun, and enjoyment. It's cool to compete, but once the competition is over, it's over you fucks. Urg Urg Urg Blarg Blarg Blarg. I really hope Kendal reads this. I love her to death, and I've got to say some things to her, as well. Not bad things. Because I love Kendal. Just... things. Hopefully I'll write about them now. This is a very, very, very honest Darlene, and this is not a drunk Darlene, which means time for rantin', ravin', and all around insane stream-of-consciousness stuff. HEY, I CAN'T FUCKIN' STAND YOU, LOL! Yep. That was the next thing on my mind. So much pent up rage, so much pent up anger. But I'm a God damned coward, and I don't like conflict. I can't deal with it, because it's so damn pointless. At least, like this, I won't really have to deal with anything more than I would have to already. Good fucking times, people. Man I like to curse. Fucking has def got to be one of my favorite words. How can you get more intense than fucking? It's natural human instinct. Raw, vulgar, and there for everyone to see! YEAAAHHH FUCKING. Such a good word. Hehe. Always wanted to type that too. I feel like if Jacob reads this he'll enjoy that line. Oh YEAH! Fucking. Hehe. Fucking. Someone hasn't done it yeeeeeeet and has been lying about it since sophomore yeaaaaar! Hella. Days. Funny. So funny. Thank you, Alex. Teehee. Got a school girl thing goin' on today; it's pretty cute. Reminds me of fucking. Girrrrl, you make me rage. Maybe more than Ella did. Ella. Heh. Can't remember his real name. Damned stupid heartless bastard. GRRR! I feel like it was Andrew. But I love Andrew. Oh. I've got to see Andrew. Maybe you're lost? It's okay, 'cause I'm lost too darlin'. Darling Darlene, thank you Brytnny, you are such a sweet heart. I meant everything I wrote in your yearbook! ♥ Hearts hearts hearts. I want mine to flutter again, mother fuck. FLUTTTEEER. Also a very good word. Maybe that's why I enjoy Joyce Carol Oates so much. She freaking gets it. Holy hell don't know how long it's been since I've written this much. I should really move on to Kendal. Kendal Kendal. God I love the KendalKorn. Looks cool with the "K" too! Okay, so first things first: Logan. He told me he liked you, I was like, d'awww, good luck bro! And I know, KendalKorn, sweet sweet KendalKorn (not meant to be creepy, btw!) that your only experience with friends and guys in the same boat is "HOMYGODIHATEYOUFOREVERDIEBITCHDIERAGGGEEE" annnnnnnd that's not really such a good thing. Now, when I learned that you actually liked him back, I tripped so many balls. The balls of my balls were trippin', and they were trippin' hard. I was SO FREAKING EXCITED for you, darlin'. So he didn't like me. Oh well. Got over it. So he liked you. COOL MY FRIEND CAN BE REALLY HAPPY. That's how it's supposed to work. Friends are supposed to stay friends. They're not supposed to got bat shit insane because of men. Especially men who aren't worth it. Meh, that's kind of mean, but that's what needed to be said (typed?) there. He's not a bad guy; just doesn't realize when he's being a douche bag. Douche. French. God I envy Julia for getting into French 5. So much that I didn't congratulate her. Man, I suck. Stupid envy. Haha. I'm sure she knows that I think that's awesome. Or I hope that she is reading this now and is like, "HEY, DARLENE LOVES ME!" 'cause I most def do. I just want to be further in French, too! Fuck the stupid passe compose. Fuck accents, as well. Fuck them all. DURRRR. Okay, so, got to finish with Kendal. Whenever I see you Kendal, well, actually, only when Allyson is around, I see this sadness in your eyes. Maybe it's just because I'm insane, but I feel, and have felt, for a very long time, that our friendship is totally different when she is around, and when she is not around. Because when Allyson is around, you're not allowed to show hardly any interest in me, except for purposes of common decency. I feel that you are being bogged down, and judged, and somehow, you can't bring yourself to escape that. It's not so bad though, def not as bad as Mark, who has now shown me how much he can just follow someone. Someone who I honestly believe does not care about him as much as he thinks. It makes me sad. So sad. Here I am, like, four to five months later, still being sad about Mark. He's such a good guy. So confused. So awkward. Haha. I wasn't exactly the best of friend, but I def wasn't a terrible one, and if I was, I tried my best to reprimand everything I could. Sometimes, I am stupid. You don't think one day she'll do something incredibly stupid? Or that one day you'll do something she doesn't approve of, and she'll drop you like last night's dinner? God I'm just so sad. And all of this is so past overdue. Finally turned the sound off. Now there's just that picture playing in my peripheral vision. My vision that is pretty much nonexistent. Maybe it's the glare of the TV that makes me pay so much attention. Ugh. Just so much ugh. I hate texting. I hate it. So so sad. So pitiful. So distraught. So many bad thoughts in my mind. I need a vacation from life. I want to go back to Nebraska... should have never given all of that up... I had everything... I had ever wanted... and I just wanted more, because I'm never satisfied. Maybe he was the love of my life, and I gave it up for my dreams. For me. Dreams. Selfishness. Ug. FUCKING STOP TEXTING ME HOLY SHIT. So clueless. Just stop. Stop stop stop. Stoooooooooop. Sad sad sad. Nebraska. Greg. Two things I think about all the damn time. Most of the world doesn't even know about Nebraska. Greg never knew a damn thing. Ever. Heh. Hope he's happy with Kim... though as far as Alex is concerned his life seems pretty damn dull. Except for the Disneyland business. That's pretty cool. God I miss Disneyland and Orchestra and life being okay. Man I can't wait for Distant Worlds, either. It's going to be excellent. I think I'm tired now. So tired. Didn't say as much as I wanted to... but that's the norm. Always is. That's why it's the norm. Dur. Dur. Dur. Durr Gil-Gomez! Haha. Hehe. Ohohohoho~!
Someone needs to come into my life.
hi blog.
Sure haven't posted anything significant for a while...
News: done with first year of college.
Other news: God damn my life is aggravating.
This thing... the menu thing for Stranger than Fiction (good movie, btw) keeps playing and playing and playing and playing and I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. Except I do. But I don't want to move. I want to keep writing. What the hell is the point of moving, anyway? God I hate moving. I hate doing things. I have to think, and good lord I would be ecstatic to be out of my head for merely an hour. I also wish I could spell. GAAAHHH! GAH GAH GAH. I want to live in SoCal, I want more! ALWAYS MORE. Am I just a person who cannot be satisfied? I don't really want to live in SoCal. Fuck SoCal. Except the Lakers have cool colors, but man, silver and purple are so pretty together. Meh. I don't really care about basketball at all, anyway. I just enjoy doing things with friends, and y'know, if it means cheering for a team I could not give two shits (TWO SHITS! or would that be a half a shit, to make it less significant?) about, hell man, I'm there. I like to see people smile. A lot. I love to see people happy, I love to see them enjoying their lives, but I feel like that is all there is to life for me. I haven't basked in the awesome warmth that is happiness in a long time. Well, that's a lie. I was really happy when Mark gave me a hug when I asked for one. But that happiness was pretty much completely trampled upon by his and Allyson's act of totally ignoring me (Fuck that shit, btw, I had never felt so God damn abandoned in a long time). I wonder if either of them read this. God I miss Mark. I miss him being my friend, and not some person I have to worry about all the time (Y'know, when I'm around, this is kind of irrelevant now, and this is also inserted to make me seem less creepy. 'Cause I'm not that creepy, really.). Can we just go back, please? That's all I want. A friend. Well, I have Cindy here, but yeah, at college, I am miserable, I am so alone. I spend my time with Doctor Who. (Not that that is too much of an issue, 'cause good lord David Tennant is HOT) BUT GAH! My happiness comes from my fantasies, and not my own life. How do I create happiness? How does it happen? I was happy before? Can I be ignorant again? It seems that while I was, I was happy, I was content, I did not give a fuck. Man, I miss Ryan too. OH! Ryan. Ryan = best friend at college, by a long shot. But you see, while I have him, it's just... not the same. Y'know, person reading this? Ryan has Brytnny. I cannot, and will not, ever try to be more to him than she is (as in closeness, in case you're reading! :]), because that's just wrong, and I understand that and I'm good with that. I love that me and Ryan are friends. It's just... I get lonely. I get the type of lonely that I feel only like, love can cure. Maybe that's the thing with Cindy too. Maybe that's why where ever I go, I'm alone. I miss waking up everyday, with someone on my mind. Nowdays, all I can do is observe. I'm too holed up, too reserved, too shy to do a damned thing, or merely mention to anyone that I might slightly be interested. I just don't know. And now, here at home, I had so much hope for a friendship that I thought could possibly work again, but as the days drag on, my hope dwindles and dwindles. It's fucking impossible. Stupid happiness. I always think, should I have given him up? Heh. Except there's two "hims." Interesting fucking plot twist, assholes. Hehe. Always wanted to type that. Menu. Still. Going. Wonder how long I've been typing. Prolly not that long. Doesn't seem too long. Been texting Jacob in between. I need to do this more often. It's relaxing. I'm thinking about writing about how I feel about B5. Oh yes, dear reader, since I don't have to see faces for 3 months, and furthermore, prolly don't have to see any faces I don't want to more than random coincidence next year, fuck this shit. Fuck it in the butt. Butt butt. Christ. I'm so upset. I kind of hate everything B5 embodies. We came together to give everyone a home, to not judge, to be friendly, and care for each other. The only damned thing we accomplished was we became a family. A family with ups and downs, and aunts and uncles, and crazy people. (I don't know who out aunts and uncles would be, btw!) And like my family, we've got people that just resent each other. And until a while ago, that resentment was one sided. BUT HEY WORLD, GUESS WHAT, I'M A BITCH, I'VE GOT FEELINGS, AND I AM MOTHERFUCKING HUMAN, AND WILL BE TREATED ACCORDINGLY. Lord I am so angry right now. Sitting here like a true freaking writer. In complete silence (except for that damned menu thing - ironic the movie is about writing... kinda... whatever) Guess it's not complete silence but whatever. Urg. Shit I say should make sense. I think I consider this silence because it's like, a 30 second clip? Maybe not even that - on repeat. The noise is irrelevant to my thought, and stuff, so I guess I am considering it silence. Maybe this is why I can work well even where there is noise. I just ignore it. Holy shit on a stick I digress like a crazy soooon of a bitch! Hm. I'd like to meet a crazy son of a bitch. Might be my type. Durrrr. Durrr. Dylan. I love Dylan. He's such a sweetheart. And Rebecca. I'm sure she's taking very very good care of Smokey. Wish I could've seen her more. Such a cute mouse. I was totally prepared to take care of her, and I don't consider myself excused from faltering in her care because of Allyson's resentment of me. Should of just grew a God damned pair and shown the world, not even the world, 'cause like hell B5 is the world, that I am a person who is to be respected. Just because I'm ditsy and blonde doesn't mean that I do not think. It does not mean that I don't notice things. That I'm just a dumb clown. Those who believe I am have just not yet known the person I am. It's not like it's really all that easy to get to know me anyway,(unless you read this!) because I'm just bad at communicating. Bad at communicating. Such a God damned stupid awful phrase and excuse. I'm not even trying to be discreet. Thinking that your issues are above everyone else's in the world. Hi, you're just about the most conceited person I've ever met. I'm not going to say my shit is more terrible, less terrible, or equally terrible than yours, girlie, but darlin', for you to be so damned selfish and not think of ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO ARE CURRENTLY DYING makes me sick to my stomach. Fucking shit dude. I'm enjoying this wall of text. It's making me happy. I am venting. Yet, there is no expression on my face. No tears. No expressed anger. Just me, sitting here, typing, typing away. Typing away two quarters of pain misery sorrow and loneliness. Fuck being lonely. I don't want to guys to pick on Ryan for being not-so-great at DotA. Who the fuck cares about DotA? Nobody should get hurt over stupid, stupid games. Games are for fun, and enjoyment. It's cool to compete, but once the competition is over, it's over you fucks. Urg Urg Urg Blarg Blarg Blarg. I really hope Kendal reads this. I love her to death, and I've got to say some things to her, as well. Not bad things. Because I love Kendal. Just... things. Hopefully I'll write about them now. This is a very, very, very honest Darlene, and this is not a drunk Darlene, which means time for rantin', ravin', and all around insane stream-of-consciousness stuff. HEY, I CAN'T FUCKIN' STAND YOU, LOL! Yep. That was the next thing on my mind. So much pent up rage, so much pent up anger. But I'm a God damned coward, and I don't like conflict. I can't deal with it, because it's so damn pointless. At least, like this, I won't really have to deal with anything more than I would have to already. Good fucking times, people. Man I like to curse. Fucking has def got to be one of my favorite words. How can you get more intense than fucking? It's natural human instinct. Raw, vulgar, and there for everyone to see! YEAAAHHH FUCKING. Such a good word. Hehe. Always wanted to type that too. I feel like if Jacob reads this he'll enjoy that line. Oh YEAH! Fucking. Hehe. Fucking. Someone hasn't done it yeeeeeeet and has been lying about it since sophomore yeaaaaar! Hella. Days. Funny. So funny. Thank you, Alex. Teehee. Got a school girl thing goin' on today; it's pretty cute. Reminds me of fucking. Girrrrl, you make me rage. Maybe more than Ella did. Ella. Heh. Can't remember his real name. Damned stupid heartless bastard. GRRR! I feel like it was Andrew. But I love Andrew. Oh. I've got to see Andrew. Maybe you're lost? It's okay, 'cause I'm lost too darlin'. Darling Darlene, thank you Brytnny, you are such a sweet heart. I meant everything I wrote in your yearbook! ♥ Hearts hearts hearts. I want mine to flutter again, mother fuck. FLUTTTEEER. Also a very good word. Maybe that's why I enjoy Joyce Carol Oates so much. She freaking gets it. Holy hell don't know how long it's been since I've written this much. I should really move on to Kendal. Kendal Kendal. God I love the KendalKorn. Looks cool with the "K" too! Okay, so first things first: Logan. He told me he liked you, I was like, d'awww, good luck bro! And I know, KendalKorn, sweet sweet KendalKorn (not meant to be creepy, btw!) that your only experience with friends and guys in the same boat is "HOMYGODIHATEYOUFOREVERDIEBITCHDIERAGGGEEE" annnnnnnd that's not really such a good thing. Now, when I learned that you actually liked him back, I tripped so many balls. The balls of my balls were trippin', and they were trippin' hard. I was SO FREAKING EXCITED for you, darlin'. So he didn't like me. Oh well. Got over it. So he liked you. COOL MY FRIEND CAN BE REALLY HAPPY. That's how it's supposed to work. Friends are supposed to stay friends. They're not supposed to got bat shit insane because of men. Especially men who aren't worth it. Meh, that's kind of mean, but that's what needed to be said (typed?) there. He's not a bad guy; just doesn't realize when he's being a douche bag. Douche. French. God I envy Julia for getting into French 5. So much that I didn't congratulate her. Man, I suck. Stupid envy. Haha. I'm sure she knows that I think that's awesome. Or I hope that she is reading this now and is like, "HEY, DARLENE LOVES ME!" 'cause I most def do. I just want to be further in French, too! Fuck the stupid passe compose. Fuck accents, as well. Fuck them all. DURRRR. Okay, so, got to finish with Kendal. Whenever I see you Kendal, well, actually, only when Allyson is around, I see this sadness in your eyes. Maybe it's just because I'm insane, but I feel, and have felt, for a very long time, that our friendship is totally different when she is around, and when she is not around. Because when Allyson is around, you're not allowed to show hardly any interest in me, except for purposes of common decency. I feel that you are being bogged down, and judged, and somehow, you can't bring yourself to escape that. It's not so bad though, def not as bad as Mark, who has now shown me how much he can just follow someone. Someone who I honestly believe does not care about him as much as he thinks. It makes me sad. So sad. Here I am, like, four to five months later, still being sad about Mark. He's such a good guy. So confused. So awkward. Haha. I wasn't exactly the best of friend, but I def wasn't a terrible one, and if I was, I tried my best to reprimand everything I could. Sometimes, I am stupid. You don't think one day she'll do something incredibly stupid? Or that one day you'll do something she doesn't approve of, and she'll drop you like last night's dinner? God I'm just so sad. And all of this is so past overdue. Finally turned the sound off. Now there's just that picture playing in my peripheral vision. My vision that is pretty much nonexistent. Maybe it's the glare of the TV that makes me pay so much attention. Ugh. Just so much ugh. I hate texting. I hate it. So so sad. So pitiful. So distraught. So many bad thoughts in my mind. I need a vacation from life. I want to go back to Nebraska... should have never given all of that up... I had everything... I had ever wanted... and I just wanted more, because I'm never satisfied. Maybe he was the love of my life, and I gave it up for my dreams. For me. Dreams. Selfishness. Ug. FUCKING STOP TEXTING ME HOLY SHIT. So clueless. Just stop. Stop stop stop. Stoooooooooop. Sad sad sad. Nebraska. Greg. Two things I think about all the damn time. Most of the world doesn't even know about Nebraska. Greg never knew a damn thing. Ever. Heh. Hope he's happy with Kim... though as far as Alex is concerned his life seems pretty damn dull. Except for the Disneyland business. That's pretty cool. God I miss Disneyland and Orchestra and life being okay. Man I can't wait for Distant Worlds, either. It's going to be excellent. I think I'm tired now. So tired. Didn't say as much as I wanted to... but that's the norm. Always is. That's why it's the norm. Dur. Dur. Dur. Durr Gil-Gomez! Haha. Hehe. Ohohohoho~!
Someone needs to come into my life.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Urrrrghhh
I feel... really terrible tonight...
doing that... isolation... thing again...
...even VH1 didn't cure my feelings of... blah... tonight...
... n'est pas bien...
I dunno why I feel so bad anyway...
I just... kinda... do
and I've felt like throwing up again...
Mmmmm... I'm going to go to sleep soon...
Gonna get up at like... uh 9 or 10...
Eat... go to the bookstore... buy reader...
do homework...
go to physics...
go to Living Writers...
go watch musicals...
go to Late Night Noms...
and go to sleep...
Blaaarggg... I need something to cheer me up...
but I'm kind of in this rut, again
where I think that something is someone
:(
It's not Marc.
Marc is a thing, and a person, of the past now...
I still get kinda jittery around him, but mostly 'cause what happened between us was pretty freakin' awkward...
...and I've mostly given up on the guy from College 8...
I don't know if I ever really liked him anyway...
I feel really awful about Tanner, too, but I kinda know it was for the best.
I kinda wish I hadn't been so... quick about it... but he kinda asked for it, and I kinda told him what was up...
Now I've gotten a text
from a friend
whom I do like to be around quite a bit
"You're kinda cute."
Hm.
I dunno what I think about this yet...
'Cause, uh, the last time I went for something like this...
well,
um,
intense shit?
I dunno dude. I just dunno.
The only thing I do know right now is that it's about 1 AM, and I should really get some sleep.
Sleep... is beautiful. ♥
doing that... isolation... thing again...
...even VH1 didn't cure my feelings of... blah... tonight...
... n'est pas bien...
I dunno why I feel so bad anyway...
I just... kinda... do
and I've felt like throwing up again...
Mmmmm... I'm going to go to sleep soon...
Gonna get up at like... uh 9 or 10...
Eat... go to the bookstore... buy reader...
do homework...
go to physics...
go to Living Writers...
go watch musicals...
go to Late Night Noms...
and go to sleep...
Blaaarggg... I need something to cheer me up...
but I'm kind of in this rut, again
where I think that something is someone
:(
It's not Marc.
Marc is a thing, and a person, of the past now...
I still get kinda jittery around him, but mostly 'cause what happened between us was pretty freakin' awkward...
...and I've mostly given up on the guy from College 8...
I don't know if I ever really liked him anyway...
I feel really awful about Tanner, too, but I kinda know it was for the best.
I kinda wish I hadn't been so... quick about it... but he kinda asked for it, and I kinda told him what was up...
Now I've gotten a text
from a friend
whom I do like to be around quite a bit
"You're kinda cute."
Hm.
I dunno what I think about this yet...
'Cause, uh, the last time I went for something like this...
well,
um,
intense shit?
I dunno dude. I just dunno.
The only thing I do know right now is that it's about 1 AM, and I should really get some sleep.
Sleep... is beautiful. ♥
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Sort of Rant About My Mother
Soooo it's been a bit since I posted!
Beeeeennn a little bit busy.
Just a little.
...
Anyway, I'm chillin' at home, it's Christmas break and stuff.
Listenin' to some good mooski~ (♥ Julia & Mark)
ANYWAY, my Mom started giving me crap about how I'm such a jerk this morning...
Now see, I am very aware I can be one hell of a jerk sometimes.
She started yelling (read: blahblahblahblah) because there was some silly Christmas light display show on and she wanted me to look at the lights, and I told her I really didn't care about them...
She said things along the line of our usual "conversations" of how I should be nicer to her... how I wouldn't be so mean to my friends at school...
See, I am nice 90% of the time...
I really am... anyone who knows me pretty much is well aware of this fact.
But when someone comes at me, especially when that person has been coming at me for 18 freakin' yearrrs...
the nice Darlene sometimes goes away...
I'm sorry, but I have issues with listening to people who won't take two seconds out of their life to listen to me...
Every conversation I've had with my mother begins with:
-- "Hey Mom, I was doing this the other day and..."
-- "Oh I'm going to interrupt you now because I need to wallow in my own misery. My work sucks. I can't get out of my own head. I really don't give a flying fuck what happened to you unless I have to pay for it. Money is everything."
EVERY SINGLE TIME.
See, now that I've come out of my shell (more or less) coming back to Rancho has been one hell of an experience.
Meaning, I've been partying my ass off.
(and very much enjoying it :])
but, like,
I've been out past... let's just say midnight for the pst two or three days...
I wake up at 2 PM...
Wouldn't most parents be at least a little concerned?
See, my phone calls with my Mom consist of:
-- "Are you going to be home today?"
-- "Yes/no." (notice how it's irrelevant what I say)
-- "Ok."
It's really kind of sad...
I just wish she'd think of me a little more... I sort of feel like she should since she's my mother and all... I don't know...
Well, even if she thought about anything besides herself a little more, that'd be nice.
See, in Rancho, our budget crisis stuff has gotten so bad that some of the elementary schools are closing down, including the one I went to.
Cordova Lane is next, and I just kind of wanted to see if she knew what was going on.
So, I told her, but she was playing some silly game on the Wii... one of those games that requires like, minimal concentration so a conversation should have not been a big deal. At least, I'd think not.
It went like this:
"Hey Mom, did you know they're closing down Cordova Lane, isn't that pretty horrible?"
"Huh?"
*back to game*
I really like being ignored. It just makes my day SO MUCH BETTER.
I just don't understand how I'm the bigger jerk because I tell her straight up I don't care about something.
I dunno. Honestly is better than being ignored.
At least by telling her I don't care what's on TV, because TV is more or less retarded, I acknowledge what she's saying, and you know, the fact that she was speaking to me and maybe had something important to say.
I don't know. My mother just makes me so sad.
Reminds me of why I hate home...
It's not Rancho Cordova...
It's my terrible relationship with my mother.
~.~ Depressssssssinggg...
Beeeeennn a little bit busy.
Just a little.
...
Anyway, I'm chillin' at home, it's Christmas break and stuff.
Listenin' to some good mooski~ (♥ Julia & Mark)
ANYWAY, my Mom started giving me crap about how I'm such a jerk this morning...
Now see, I am very aware I can be one hell of a jerk sometimes.
She started yelling (read: blahblahblahblah) because there was some silly Christmas light display show on and she wanted me to look at the lights, and I told her I really didn't care about them...
She said things along the line of our usual "conversations" of how I should be nicer to her... how I wouldn't be so mean to my friends at school...
See, I am nice 90% of the time...
I really am... anyone who knows me pretty much is well aware of this fact.
But when someone comes at me, especially when that person has been coming at me for 18 freakin' yearrrs...
the nice Darlene sometimes goes away...
I'm sorry, but I have issues with listening to people who won't take two seconds out of their life to listen to me...
Every conversation I've had with my mother begins with:
-- "Hey Mom, I was doing this the other day and..."
-- "Oh I'm going to interrupt you now because I need to wallow in my own misery. My work sucks. I can't get out of my own head. I really don't give a flying fuck what happened to you unless I have to pay for it. Money is everything."
EVERY SINGLE TIME.
See, now that I've come out of my shell (more or less) coming back to Rancho has been one hell of an experience.
Meaning, I've been partying my ass off.
(and very much enjoying it :])
but, like,
I've been out past... let's just say midnight for the pst two or three days...
I wake up at 2 PM...
Wouldn't most parents be at least a little concerned?
See, my phone calls with my Mom consist of:
-- "Are you going to be home today?"
-- "Yes/no." (notice how it's irrelevant what I say)
-- "Ok."
It's really kind of sad...
I just wish she'd think of me a little more... I sort of feel like she should since she's my mother and all... I don't know...
Well, even if she thought about anything besides herself a little more, that'd be nice.
See, in Rancho, our budget crisis stuff has gotten so bad that some of the elementary schools are closing down, including the one I went to.
Cordova Lane is next, and I just kind of wanted to see if she knew what was going on.
So, I told her, but she was playing some silly game on the Wii... one of those games that requires like, minimal concentration so a conversation should have not been a big deal. At least, I'd think not.
It went like this:
"Hey Mom, did you know they're closing down Cordova Lane, isn't that pretty horrible?"
"Huh?"
*back to game*
I really like being ignored. It just makes my day SO MUCH BETTER.
I just don't understand how I'm the bigger jerk because I tell her straight up I don't care about something.
I dunno. Honestly is better than being ignored.
At least by telling her I don't care what's on TV, because TV is more or less retarded, I acknowledge what she's saying, and you know, the fact that she was speaking to me and maybe had something important to say.
I don't know. My mother just makes me so sad.
Reminds me of why I hate home...
It's not Rancho Cordova...
It's my terrible relationship with my mother.
~.~ Depressssssssinggg...
Saturday, November 21, 2009
No Title
What is love?
Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me~
NO MORE.
What is love..?
Love...
Love is my obsession.
Love is my love...
I am hopelessly obsessed with finding a great love...
the perfect love.
I live for it, I breathe for it...
and I can't wait to find it...
Silly impatience.
Silly, silly.
It makes me crazy!
I know I'll find it one day...
but... like...
right now
I need someone
somebody...
something...
anything...
anyone...
to take care of me...
I'm tired. I'm fucking exhausted.
I want to cry. I want to break down.
I want to escape this world. It makes me so horribly sad.
All the fucked up things... children dying... as I sit here and type on a laptop...
I could have given the money my Mom spent on this thing to some poor soul... so they can eat and stuff.
and they could have seen their loved ones for longer...
they could have experienced the world for longer...
See, the world isn't a terrible place...
the world is actually fucking beautiful
Humans. We're ugly.
We destroy the world. We destroy the beautiful essence that is life.
We are a sick and miserable species.
We are so fucking sick that we don't even realize how damned sick we are.
When we are little, our brains aren't developed enough to pick up on the shitty things in the world. We're not able to understand sadness. Why else would everyone want to stay young forever? When we are young we are naive to the bullshit, the sadness, the horrid things, everything that is terrible. We're naive. I miss being young. I feel I've grown up waaaaay too fast. I feel that I was cheated out of the best years of my life. My childhood was way too short. Too short. Too fast. My life as an adult... will be so long...
That is, until I find that love.
That love:
The person who I can tell everything.
The person who will still love me afterward...
The person who will accept me for who I AM.
I'm a sad, hurt person... but I am a damned strong person. I cast off sadness. Other people can live in their own miserable lives.
BUT I REFUSE.
I FUCKING REFUSE.
I refuse to be sad. Humans don't have to be sad. We just have to be strong enough to be happy.
I... hate... the way we are. Humans. Us. We.
I wish... that everybody could enjoy the simple things:
The beautiful things.
Enjoy their senses...
Sights... smells... sounds... tastes... touches...
They are the most wonderful feelings... the best experiences.
Get the fuck out of your heads people;
GET THE FUCK OUT.
Seriously, like.
I know humans suck.
Life sucks.
THAT'S HOW IT IS.
How can other people not accept this?
I've accepted it. I'm damned aware of it.
Why can't everybody else?
Human life SUCKS, k?
It just does.
We don't need to like
live... in sadness.
There's still wonderful things in this world.
Look past sadness. Look past pain. Look past people. Look past it all.
FACE YOUR FUCKING FEARS.
Look them in the face, and tell them they are bullshit.
Your fears are nothing. You are strong.
STOP PRETENDING YOU'RE WEAK.
and if you are weak, darling.
Admit that to yourself.
Pride is nothing.
REAL PRIDE COMES FROM ACCEPTANCE.
Accept the world. Accept yourself.
You are who you are...
and you're beautiful...
everyone... is beautiful...
everyone... deserves to be happy.
Everybody. Deserves. To be. Happy.
Happiness. :]
Smiles, joy...
GOOD TIMES
singing, dancing...
Love...
the ultimate happiness...
I miss love...
Though, my last love was not complete.
It wasn't true,
well, it wasn't as true as I wanted it to be...
I couldn't tell him everything.
For a while, I was too weak to admit to myself that it wasn't.
I didn't want to lose the person who made me happy.
But... when... that person stopped... making me happy...
...well
I started to think--
I started to realize.
R E A L I Z E.
I started to realize what I wanted out of life.
I want to be happy. Love just happens to be the ultimate form of happiness for me.
I'm going to be happy one day. I'm different. I can accept. I can deal. I'm fucking strong.
I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry I'm happy.
I feel bad for you, you:
the people who cannot accept the world, and still be happy.
Ya'll should take some of the shit I'm on: it's hella good.
Teehee!
I'm gonna go get FOOD.
FOOD WITH KENDAL~!
Did you know she's awesome? She really is.
That's why Cooper likes her so much more than me.
Dang.
Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me~
NO MORE.
What is love..?
Love...
Love is my obsession.
Love is my love...
I am hopelessly obsessed with finding a great love...
the perfect love.
I live for it, I breathe for it...
and I can't wait to find it...
Silly impatience.
Silly, silly.
It makes me crazy!
I know I'll find it one day...
but... like...
right now
I need someone
somebody...
something...
anything...
anyone...
to take care of me...
I'm tired. I'm fucking exhausted.
I want to cry. I want to break down.
I want to escape this world. It makes me so horribly sad.
All the fucked up things... children dying... as I sit here and type on a laptop...
I could have given the money my Mom spent on this thing to some poor soul... so they can eat and stuff.
and they could have seen their loved ones for longer...
they could have experienced the world for longer...
See, the world isn't a terrible place...
the world is actually fucking beautiful
Humans. We're ugly.
We destroy the world. We destroy the beautiful essence that is life.
We are a sick and miserable species.
We are so fucking sick that we don't even realize how damned sick we are.
When we are little, our brains aren't developed enough to pick up on the shitty things in the world. We're not able to understand sadness. Why else would everyone want to stay young forever? When we are young we are naive to the bullshit, the sadness, the horrid things, everything that is terrible. We're naive. I miss being young. I feel I've grown up waaaaay too fast. I feel that I was cheated out of the best years of my life. My childhood was way too short. Too short. Too fast. My life as an adult... will be so long...
That is, until I find that love.
That love:
The person who I can tell everything.
The person who will still love me afterward...
The person who will accept me for who I AM.
I'm a sad, hurt person... but I am a damned strong person. I cast off sadness. Other people can live in their own miserable lives.
BUT I REFUSE.
I FUCKING REFUSE.
I refuse to be sad. Humans don't have to be sad. We just have to be strong enough to be happy.
I... hate... the way we are. Humans. Us. We.
I wish... that everybody could enjoy the simple things:
The beautiful things.
Enjoy their senses...
Sights... smells... sounds... tastes... touches...
They are the most wonderful feelings... the best experiences.
Get the fuck out of your heads people;
GET THE FUCK OUT.
Seriously, like.
I know humans suck.
Life sucks.
THAT'S HOW IT IS.
How can other people not accept this?
I've accepted it. I'm damned aware of it.
Why can't everybody else?
Human life SUCKS, k?
It just does.
We don't need to like
live... in sadness.
There's still wonderful things in this world.
Look past sadness. Look past pain. Look past people. Look past it all.
FACE YOUR FUCKING FEARS.
Look them in the face, and tell them they are bullshit.
Your fears are nothing. You are strong.
STOP PRETENDING YOU'RE WEAK.
and if you are weak, darling.
Admit that to yourself.
Pride is nothing.
REAL PRIDE COMES FROM ACCEPTANCE.
Accept the world. Accept yourself.
You are who you are...
and you're beautiful...
everyone... is beautiful...
everyone... deserves to be happy.
Everybody. Deserves. To be. Happy.
Happiness. :]
Smiles, joy...
GOOD TIMES
singing, dancing...
Love...
the ultimate happiness...
I miss love...
Though, my last love was not complete.
It wasn't true,
well, it wasn't as true as I wanted it to be...
I couldn't tell him everything.
For a while, I was too weak to admit to myself that it wasn't.
I didn't want to lose the person who made me happy.
But... when... that person stopped... making me happy...
...well
I started to think--
I started to realize.
R E A L I Z E.
I started to realize what I wanted out of life.
I want to be happy. Love just happens to be the ultimate form of happiness for me.
I'm going to be happy one day. I'm different. I can accept. I can deal. I'm fucking strong.
I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry I'm happy.
I feel bad for you, you:
the people who cannot accept the world, and still be happy.
Ya'll should take some of the shit I'm on: it's hella good.
Teehee!
I'm gonna go get FOOD.
FOOD WITH KENDAL~!
Did you know she's awesome? She really is.
That's why Cooper likes her so much more than me.
Dang.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
My Brain
Is so wrapped up with the idea of love,
That if it were under a Christmas tree, and a crazed 4 year old went at it,
It'd take at least a damned year for that kid to get down to the present, 'cause there would be so many LAYERS OF INTENSE WRAPPING PAPER.
Can I has present now please... :(
Impatient, hooo!
Love is my cocaine, and I'm missing it bad.
That if it were under a Christmas tree, and a crazed 4 year old went at it,
It'd take at least a damned year for that kid to get down to the present, 'cause there would be so many LAYERS OF INTENSE WRAPPING PAPER.
Can I has present now please... :(
Impatient, hooo!
Love is my cocaine, and I'm missing it bad.
Friday, November 6, 2009
I Finally Figured It Out
I'm a story teller
I tell stories
I'm a liar
I manipulate the truth
but the truth is still the truth
and isn't that the essence of every story?
aren't they all just truths, in different forms?
I've got a lot to say about the world
but only one hand to type...
so the TBWL List will continue to grow
until I can type as fast as I'd like to again...
I finally know who I am
...now if only he knew who he is...
I tell stories
I'm a liar
I manipulate the truth
but the truth is still the truth
and isn't that the essence of every story?
aren't they all just truths, in different forms?
I've got a lot to say about the world
but only one hand to type...
so the TBWL List will continue to grow
until I can type as fast as I'd like to again...
I finally know who I am
...now if only he knew who he is...
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Note On Last Blog:
"Anonymous said...
disturbed, your seriously disturbed girl.disfunctional families eat your heart out you ain't got nothin on Darlene and her attention seekin blogcrap"
el oh el much?
See, I'm basically gonna tell you why you're a damned retard.
K SO
EVERY ESSAY I'VE EVER WRITTEN & POSTED ON ADD WHM WAS NOT WRITTEN FOR BLOGGING PURPOSES ONLY.
Do you seriously think that I sit in my dorm all day thinking of sad stories to tell?
Good God, I have a LIFE TO LIVE
THERE'S FUCKING CUTE BOYS EVERYWHERE
Do you know what that is?
A life?
See I feel I have to defend myself every time I make fun of Ellatrix
...I know I don't
but I do
'cause I'm really not a crazy brooding person.. I'm just not
Its just fun as hell to joke about such an extreme character
Do I wish him any harm? No.
Do I want bad things to happen to him? No.
Do I really give a rat's ass? No.
It's just funny.
Now why do I post crazy intimate things about my life?
→ I AM ME, AND I AM DAMN PROUD OF BEING ME.
You're just simply retarded if you can't understand the concept of being honest with one's self
Try it sometime.
PS: don't mean to be a bitch, but I can't think of any other word than retarded, my hand hurts, and I have a 8 AM class...
OUT~
Thursday, October 1, 2009
ARE YOU FREAKIN' SERIOUS?!
Way to push me down the stairs,
watch as I fall and bleed and hurt myself
and then point and LAUGH AT MY ASS
Thank you life, you are a damned bitch.
GRRRRRRR D:
K so
TODAY
WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A GOOD DAY
I WAS SUPPOSED TO ENJOY SOME TIME WITH THE SLUG.
THE SLUG, YES, THE SLUG.
THE CUTE ONE.
....
BUT APPARENTLY,
SOMEBODY
HAD BEEN LEADING
SOMEBODY
ON
A LITTLE
AND DIDN'T THINK TO TELL THAT PERSON 'TIL TODAY!
WHEN SHE WAS SUPER EXCITED TO SEE HIM.
AND HAD JUST DONE SOMETHING TOTALLY FUCKING STUPID D:
NOPE.
DON'T TELL ME!
WHAT THE FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK XD
REALLY?
*jawdrop*
K so then
I had my Porter Core Tutorial
Where that JERK was
and where I was going to make him feel bad
ABOUT BEING A JERK
BUT
I didn't get a chance to read my paper
which is good, 'cause I WAS SO DAMN MIND FUCKED
that I couldn't really think straight anyway
BUT
I learned a lot about that JERK today
and some other RANDOM DUDE
but I don't care about the RANDOM DUDE
...and I like the jerk again
teehee :3
WHAT A DAY
WHAT A WORLD
Oh but let me tell you something very funny:
My friend Alex, (man I sure talk to him a lot lately ...eww) told me last night that Marc was going to tell me he was gay today.
Gay.
I lol'd at Alex's stupidity.
BUT HES NOT FUCKING GAY
HES GOT A GIRLFRIEND
WHAT THE FUCK
See, it went like this, Alex said
"Marc's gonna say Darlene, I have something to tell you."
AND GUESS WHAT MARC SAID EH
EXCEPT HES NOT GAY
WHAT THE FUCK
When he said THOSE EXACT WORDS
I almost died
HOLY SHIT
lol
Darlene, I'm actually seeing someone else right now
*jawdrop*
*smile→frown*
FUCCCCCK
Now I'm stuck with deep jerk guy with nice smile
and fucking Tanner
"HEY DARLENE, CALL ME SOMETIME K?"
/walks around the corner
lolno
XD
PS: Halving the Bones = good movie
I also cried to my roommates for like an hour today.
Fucking intense bonding shit, like you don't even know.
!!!
Oh and I made fun of Oboes
lolOboes
XD
watch as I fall and bleed and hurt myself
and then point and LAUGH AT MY ASS
Thank you life, you are a damned bitch.
GRRRRRRR D:
K so
TODAY
WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A GOOD DAY
I WAS SUPPOSED TO ENJOY SOME TIME WITH THE SLUG.
THE SLUG, YES, THE SLUG.
THE CUTE ONE.
....
BUT APPARENTLY,
SOMEBODY
HAD BEEN LEADING
SOMEBODY
ON
A LITTLE
AND DIDN'T THINK TO TELL THAT PERSON 'TIL TODAY!
WHEN SHE WAS SUPER EXCITED TO SEE HIM.
AND HAD JUST DONE SOMETHING TOTALLY FUCKING STUPID D:
NOPE.
DON'T TELL ME!
WHAT THE FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK XD
REALLY?
*jawdrop*
K so then
I had my Porter Core Tutorial
Where that JERK was
and where I was going to make him feel bad
ABOUT BEING A JERK
BUT
I didn't get a chance to read my paper
which is good, 'cause I WAS SO DAMN MIND FUCKED
that I couldn't really think straight anyway
BUT
I learned a lot about that JERK today
and some other RANDOM DUDE
but I don't care about the RANDOM DUDE
...and I like the jerk again
teehee :3
WHAT A DAY
WHAT A WORLD
Oh but let me tell you something very funny:
My friend Alex, (man I sure talk to him a lot lately ...eww) told me last night that Marc was going to tell me he was gay today.
Gay.
I lol'd at Alex's stupidity.
BUT HES NOT FUCKING GAY
HES GOT A GIRLFRIEND
WHAT THE FUCK
See, it went like this, Alex said
"Marc's gonna say Darlene, I have something to tell you."
AND GUESS WHAT MARC SAID EH
EXCEPT HES NOT GAY
WHAT THE FUCK
When he said THOSE EXACT WORDS
I almost died
HOLY SHIT
lol
Darlene, I'm actually seeing someone else right now
*jawdrop*
*smile→frown*
FUCCCCCK
Now I'm stuck with deep jerk guy with nice smile
and fucking Tanner
"HEY DARLENE, CALL ME SOMETIME K?"
/walks around the corner
lolno
XD
PS: Halving the Bones = good movie
I also cried to my roommates for like an hour today.
Fucking intense bonding shit, like you don't even know.
!!!
Oh and I made fun of Oboes
lolOboes
XD
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