Everything is Going to Be Okay.

We will be strong, and we will carry on.

Life is not too much for us to handle.

There is time to think.
There is time to reflect.
There is time to make a change.

Do not be afraid. It is possible.

So, It's Been a While.

I've more or less dropped out of the blogging scene as of late, and there's only one reason I can give for my absence: I'm happy.

Yes, this is probably going to end up being a sappy post about how much I love Ryan.
If you're not down with that, you might as well stop following my blog now, because there's gonna be a lot about Ryan in the next... however long we're together or so. All I gotta say is, in life, food, school, and my boyfriend are pretty much the most important things to me. My family too, y'know, but I'm not as close to my family as most of the other people I know. Shit I forgot to mention my friends -- man I'm a bad person sometimes, but hell, half the time I consider ya'll family anyway... meh... gonna stop talking about crap that doesn't need to be said...

Well, anyway... I just wanted to stop in a post a little something. See, I've got this issue where I need to blog at least once a month, because I want my archive to make sense. When I first started blogging, there were a few months were there were no posts for that month, and now I am upset with that because I like my archive to look pretty. Blogging and how my blog looks is srs buisness.

I sort of feel some reflection upon my life might be good, anyway. I guess I just got tired of it, or because I'm not lonely anymore, I didn't feel the need to talk to the world about the normal nonsense of my life. Actually, being with Ryan makes me want to keep it more private, because he's more private. Also, keeping it more private than I usually am about relationships makes me treasure the little things we do together so much more... and man, let me tell you, we are fucking cute, and we are a couple that is gonna last for quite some time.

Gonna put a random sidenote in here: if anyone thought that I was a rebound for Ryan, you are dead fucking wrong. Yes, we did get together right after Brytnny -- that doesn't mean he's using me, and that doesn't mean a fantastic relationship can't bloom out of an utter failure of one.

Hrm. I also wanna say that I really hope nobody has doubted my ability to be in a relationship. My relationship with Tanner was a disaster, and mine don't usually go like that. Furthermore, until the end of last year, my time with random boys was also quite horrid. Shit, Ryan figured out he cared about me the way he does now because I was so damned upset all the time because of other... boys. Stupid boys. Hah.

It's still a little awkward running into them. I hope they're doing well, though, and no hard feelings. For realsies.

I also wanna talk about Jocab Victario a little bit. He's been really, really good, and a lot less clingy than I thought he was gonna be. He's in the transfer building, making friends, doing his own thing. I'm really happy for him, but his recent happiness makes me worry that he's gonna ditch me for better people. And if he does, well, I kinda deserve it, but whatever. I'm just really glad his life doesn't suck anymore, and that UCSC worked a little magic in his favor.

I did a lot of thinking over the summer about friends. I'm just gonna leave that at that. Not really negative thinking, as that statement implies, but I am a little upset about one little incident over the summer that in all reality, did not concern me in the least.

Meh, I'ma talk about what made me upset over the summer...

Cory's birthday.

How could you guys ditch her? Like, seriously? I understand that Bouset had to go home, but you guys didn't want to come back to celebrate ever for a little with Cory? You didn't even have birthday cake... I'm sorry, guys, but ditching Cory on her birthday after she moved the date of her party so you guys could come down was kinda on the fucked up end. Well, it's mostly fucked up because the same night ya'll went to someone else's house and had a party.

Not to mention Tanner & Brytnny. WHOA. That was interesting.

Ah hell man, I guess this reflection stuff is pretty sweet. I guess. I kinda need to do more reading for Shakespeare, though. Stupid damned Lit classes with all their readings! HAH

I really hope nobody has taken offense to anything I've posted tonight. I'm not calling anyone a bad person/friend or anything, just stating some opinions.

And, uh, before I go, I want to note that this actually didn't turn into a OMG I LOVE RYAN SO MUCH post. Though I totally love him so much :)

French 3 Composition #1

This is totally not subtle. lol

Darlene McCoy
Renee Cailloux
Français 3
16 Février 2011
261 mots

Une Histoire d'Amour Moderne

Je n'ai pas une grande historire d'amour, si j'ai demandé mes amis pour un. Kylie m'a dit sa historie, et j'ai appris beaucoup de choses.
Quand mon amie Kylie était dans lycée, elle était très timide. Elle n'aimait pas aller dehors, ou parler avec les autres étudiants. Elle est restée dans sa maison tous les temps. Elle n'aimait pas sortir, elle n'aimait pas fêter, elle aimait rien que lui demande participer avec les autres. Elle a fait toujours ses devoirs, et elle a lu beaucoup, mais elle était sur Internet le plus! Elle a joué un jeu-vidéo pour passer le temps libre, mais j'ai oublié qoui il s'appelle. Kylie a rencontrée un gen qui a joué le même jeu-vidéo. Ils ont commencé se parler, et avec les temps, ils se sont tombés amoureux. Dans le jeu-vidéo, ils a voyagé ensemble, ils ont vaincu les monstres ensemble, et ils ont rencontré plus d'amis ensemble! Kylie m'a dit que elle n'aime pas parler avec les personnes dans la monde réel parce qu'elle ne parle pas bien, et elle est embarrassée. Quand elle est sur Internet, elle a dit, elle n'a pas peur de parler parce qu'elle peut taper. Un jour, le gen est allé voir elle, et ils se sont amusés jusqu'à la fin de temps! Dans un peu de temps, ils habitait ensemble, et depuis lors, ils sont ensemble! C'est beau! Aussi, Kylie n'est pas très timide maintenant, parce qu'elle a trouvé sa personne.

Love...

so intense... good lord.

There's Greg. You guys know who he is.

& there's Nebraska. Some of you guys know who he is.

I can't talk about Nebraska. I can't think about him too much.

I still have his ring... man.

It's been so long, and I still choke up. Holy God. Still think about October 19th... January 15th... and of course April 29th...

I still remember turning away at the airport... the ride there... the music... everything...

My brain is so blown right now. I don't even know what to do...

Two weeks, frozen in our minds, for us to cherish forever...

But guys, don't talk to me about this one. 'Cause I've got Cameron to worry about and it'd take forever to explain. I've also got to read a book. The entire book.

(Look at me procrastinating like a pro!)

I just... wanted to post something.

I just... uuuuuuuugghh. :(

This week man, shit.

Giants need to win again tonight. It'll de-stress me again.
C'mon broski bros!

SO MUCH ANGST

So......

hi blog.

Sure haven't posted anything significant for a while...

News: done with first year of college.
Other news: God damn my life is aggravating.

This thing... the menu thing for Stranger than Fiction (good movie, btw) keeps playing and playing and playing and playing and I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. Except I do. But I don't want to move. I want to keep writing. What the hell is the point of moving, anyway? God I hate moving. I hate doing things. I have to think, and good lord I would be ecstatic to be out of my head for merely an hour. I also wish I could spell. GAAAHHH! GAH GAH GAH. I want to live in SoCal, I want more! ALWAYS MORE. Am I just a person who cannot be satisfied? I don't really want to live in SoCal. Fuck SoCal. Except the Lakers have cool colors, but man, silver and purple are so pretty together. Meh. I don't really care about basketball at all, anyway. I just enjoy doing things with friends, and y'know, if it means cheering for a team I could not give two shits (TWO SHITS! or would that be a half a shit, to make it less significant?) about, hell man, I'm there. I like to see people smile. A lot. I love to see people happy, I love to see them enjoying their lives, but I feel like that is all there is to life for me. I haven't basked in the awesome warmth that is happiness in a long time. Well, that's a lie. I was really happy when Mark gave me a hug when I asked for one. But that happiness was pretty much completely trampled upon by his and Allyson's act of totally ignoring me (Fuck that shit, btw, I had never felt so God damn abandoned in a long time). I wonder if either of them read this. God I miss Mark. I miss him being my friend, and not some person I have to worry about all the time (Y'know, when I'm around, this is kind of irrelevant now, and this is also inserted to make me seem less creepy. 'Cause I'm not that creepy, really.). Can we just go back, please? That's all I want. A friend. Well, I have Cindy here, but yeah, at college, I am miserable, I am so alone. I spend my time with Doctor Who. (Not that that is too much of an issue, 'cause good lord David Tennant is HOT) BUT GAH! My happiness comes from my fantasies, and not my own life. How do I create happiness? How does it happen? I was happy before? Can I be ignorant again? It seems that while I was, I was happy, I was content, I did not give a fuck. Man, I miss Ryan too. OH! Ryan. Ryan = best friend at college, by a long shot. But you see, while I have him, it's just... not the same. Y'know, person reading this? Ryan has Brytnny. I cannot, and will not, ever try to be more to him than she is (as in closeness, in case you're reading! :]), because that's just wrong, and I understand that and I'm good with that. I love that me and Ryan are friends. It's just... I get lonely. I get the type of lonely that I feel only like, love can cure. Maybe that's the thing with Cindy too. Maybe that's why where ever I go, I'm alone. I miss waking up everyday, with someone on my mind. Nowdays, all I can do is observe. I'm too holed up, too reserved, too shy to do a damned thing, or merely mention to anyone that I might slightly be interested. I just don't know. And now, here at home, I had so much hope for a friendship that I thought could possibly work again, but as the days drag on, my hope dwindles and dwindles. It's fucking impossible. Stupid happiness. I always think, should I have given him up? Heh. Except there's two "hims." Interesting fucking plot twist, assholes. Hehe. Always wanted to type that. Menu. Still. Going. Wonder how long I've been typing. Prolly not that long. Doesn't seem too long. Been texting Jacob in between. I need to do this more often. It's relaxing. I'm thinking about writing about how I feel about B5. Oh yes, dear reader, since I don't have to see faces for 3 months, and furthermore, prolly don't have to see any faces I don't want to more than random coincidence next year, fuck this shit. Fuck it in the butt. Butt butt. Christ. I'm so upset. I kind of hate everything B5 embodies. We came together to give everyone a home, to not judge, to be friendly, and care for each other. The only damned thing we accomplished was we became a family. A family with ups and downs, and aunts and uncles, and crazy people. (I don't know who out aunts and uncles would be, btw!) And like my family, we've got people that just resent each other. And until a while ago, that resentment was one sided. BUT HEY WORLD, GUESS WHAT, I'M A BITCH, I'VE GOT FEELINGS, AND I AM MOTHERFUCKING HUMAN, AND WILL BE TREATED ACCORDINGLY. Lord I am so angry right now. Sitting here like a true freaking writer. In complete silence (except for that damned menu thing - ironic the movie is about writing... kinda... whatever) Guess it's not complete silence but whatever. Urg. Shit I say should make sense. I think I consider this silence because it's like, a 30 second clip? Maybe not even that - on repeat. The noise is irrelevant to my thought, and stuff, so I guess I am considering it silence. Maybe this is why I can work well even where there is noise. I just ignore it. Holy shit on a stick I digress like a crazy soooon of a bitch! Hm. I'd like to meet a crazy son of a bitch. Might be my type. Durrrr. Durrr. Dylan. I love Dylan. He's such a sweetheart. And Rebecca. I'm sure she's taking very very good care of Smokey. Wish I could've seen her more. Such a cute mouse. I was totally prepared to take care of her, and I don't consider myself excused from faltering in her care because of Allyson's resentment of me. Should of just grew a God damned pair and shown the world, not even the world, 'cause like hell B5 is the world, that I am a person who is to be respected. Just because I'm ditsy and blonde doesn't mean that I do not think. It does not mean that I don't notice things. That I'm just a dumb clown. Those who believe I am have just not yet known the person I am. It's not like it's really all that easy to get to know me anyway,(unless you read this!) because I'm just bad at communicating. Bad at communicating. Such a God damned stupid awful phrase and excuse. I'm not even trying to be discreet. Thinking that your issues are above everyone else's in the world. Hi, you're just about the most conceited person I've ever met. I'm not going to say my shit is more terrible, less terrible, or equally terrible than yours, girlie, but darlin', for you to be so damned selfish and not think of ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO ARE CURRENTLY DYING makes me sick to my stomach. Fucking shit dude. I'm enjoying this wall of text. It's making me happy. I am venting. Yet, there is no expression on my face. No tears. No expressed anger. Just me, sitting here, typing, typing away. Typing away two quarters of pain misery sorrow and loneliness. Fuck being lonely. I don't want to guys to pick on Ryan for being not-so-great at DotA. Who the fuck cares about DotA? Nobody should get hurt over stupid, stupid games. Games are for fun, and enjoyment. It's cool to compete, but once the competition is over, it's over you fucks. Urg Urg Urg Blarg Blarg Blarg. I really hope Kendal reads this. I love her to death, and I've got to say some things to her, as well. Not bad things. Because I love Kendal. Just... things. Hopefully I'll write about them now. This is a very, very, very honest Darlene, and this is not a drunk Darlene, which means time for rantin', ravin', and all around insane stream-of-consciousness stuff. HEY, I CAN'T FUCKIN' STAND YOU, LOL! Yep. That was the next thing on my mind. So much pent up rage, so much pent up anger. But I'm a God damned coward, and I don't like conflict. I can't deal with it, because it's so damn pointless. At least, like this, I won't really have to deal with anything more than I would have to already. Good fucking times, people. Man I like to curse. Fucking has def got to be one of my favorite words. How can you get more intense than fucking? It's natural human instinct. Raw, vulgar, and there for everyone to see! YEAAAHHH FUCKING. Such a good word. Hehe. Always wanted to type that too. I feel like if Jacob reads this he'll enjoy that line. Oh YEAH! Fucking. Hehe. Fucking. Someone hasn't done it yeeeeeeet and has been lying about it since sophomore yeaaaaar! Hella. Days. Funny. So funny. Thank you, Alex. Teehee. Got a school girl thing goin' on today; it's pretty cute. Reminds me of fucking. Girrrrl, you make me rage. Maybe more than Ella did. Ella. Heh. Can't remember his real name. Damned stupid heartless bastard. GRRR! I feel like it was Andrew. But I love Andrew. Oh. I've got to see Andrew. Maybe you're lost? It's okay, 'cause I'm lost too darlin'. Darling Darlene, thank you Brytnny, you are such a sweet heart. I meant everything I wrote in your yearbook! ♥ Hearts hearts hearts. I want mine to flutter again, mother fuck. FLUTTTEEER. Also a very good word. Maybe that's why I enjoy Joyce Carol Oates so much. She freaking gets it. Holy hell don't know how long it's been since I've written this much. I should really move on to Kendal. Kendal Kendal. God I love the KendalKorn. Looks cool with the "K" too! Okay, so first things first: Logan. He told me he liked you, I was like, d'awww, good luck bro! And I know, KendalKorn, sweet sweet KendalKorn (not meant to be creepy, btw!) that your only experience with friends and guys in the same boat is "HOMYGODIHATEYOUFOREVERDIEBITCHDIERAGGGEEE" annnnnnnd that's not really such a good thing. Now, when I learned that you actually liked him back, I tripped so many balls. The balls of my balls were trippin', and they were trippin' hard. I was SO FREAKING EXCITED for you, darlin'. So he didn't like me. Oh well. Got over it. So he liked you. COOL MY FRIEND CAN BE REALLY HAPPY. That's how it's supposed to work. Friends are supposed to stay friends. They're not supposed to got bat shit insane because of men. Especially men who aren't worth it. Meh, that's kind of mean, but that's what needed to be said (typed?) there. He's not a bad guy; just doesn't realize when he's being a douche bag. Douche. French. God I envy Julia for getting into French 5. So much that I didn't congratulate her. Man, I suck. Stupid envy. Haha. I'm sure she knows that I think that's awesome. Or I hope that she is reading this now and is like, "HEY, DARLENE LOVES ME!" 'cause I most def do. I just want to be further in French, too! Fuck the stupid passe compose. Fuck accents, as well. Fuck them all. DURRRR. Okay, so, got to finish with Kendal. Whenever I see you Kendal, well, actually, only when Allyson is around, I see this sadness in your eyes. Maybe it's just because I'm insane, but I feel, and have felt, for a very long time, that our friendship is totally different when she is around, and when she is not around. Because when Allyson is around, you're not allowed to show hardly any interest in me, except for purposes of common decency. I feel that you are being bogged down, and judged, and somehow, you can't bring yourself to escape that. It's not so bad though, def not as bad as Mark, who has now shown me how much he can just follow someone. Someone who I honestly believe does not care about him as much as he thinks. It makes me sad. So sad. Here I am, like, four to five months later, still being sad about Mark. He's such a good guy. So confused. So awkward. Haha. I wasn't exactly the best of friend, but I def wasn't a terrible one, and if I was, I tried my best to reprimand everything I could. Sometimes, I am stupid. You don't think one day she'll do something incredibly stupid? Or that one day you'll do something she doesn't approve of, and she'll drop you like last night's dinner? God I'm just so sad. And all of this is so past overdue. Finally turned the sound off. Now there's just that picture playing in my peripheral vision. My vision that is pretty much nonexistent. Maybe it's the glare of the TV that makes me pay so much attention. Ugh. Just so much ugh. I hate texting. I hate it. So so sad. So pitiful. So distraught. So many bad thoughts in my mind. I need a vacation from life. I want to go back to Nebraska... should have never given all of that up... I had everything... I had ever wanted... and I just wanted more, because I'm never satisfied. Maybe he was the love of my life, and I gave it up for my dreams. For me. Dreams. Selfishness. Ug. FUCKING STOP TEXTING ME HOLY SHIT. So clueless. Just stop. Stop stop stop. Stoooooooooop. Sad sad sad. Nebraska. Greg. Two things I think about all the damn time. Most of the world doesn't even know about Nebraska. Greg never knew a damn thing. Ever. Heh. Hope he's happy with Kim... though as far as Alex is concerned his life seems pretty damn dull. Except for the Disneyland business. That's pretty cool. God I miss Disneyland and Orchestra and life being okay. Man I can't wait for Distant Worlds, either. It's going to be excellent. I think I'm tired now. So tired. Didn't say as much as I wanted to... but that's the norm. Always is. That's why it's the norm. Dur. Dur. Dur. Durr Gil-Gomez! Haha. Hehe. Ohohohoho~!

Someone needs to come into my life.

No Title

What is love?

Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me~

NO MORE.

What is love..?

Love...

Love is my obsession.

Love is my love...

I am hopelessly obsessed with finding a great love...

the perfect love.

I live for it, I breathe for it...
and I can't wait to find it...

Silly impatience.

Silly, silly.

It makes me crazy!

I know I'll find it one day...
but... like...

right now

I need someone

somebody...

something...

anything...

anyone...

to take care of me...

I'm tired. I'm fucking exhausted.

I want to cry. I want to break down.

I want to escape this world. It makes me so horribly sad.

All the fucked up things... children dying... as I sit here and type on a laptop...

I could have given the money my Mom spent on this thing to some poor soul... so they can eat and stuff.

and they could have seen their loved ones for longer...
they could have experienced the world for longer...

See, the world isn't a terrible place...

the world is actually fucking beautiful

Humans. We're ugly.

We destroy the world. We destroy the beautiful essence that is life.

We are a sick and miserable species.

We are so fucking sick that we don't even realize how damned sick we are.

When we are little, our brains aren't developed enough to pick up on the shitty things in the world. We're not able to understand sadness. Why else would everyone want to stay young forever? When we are young we are naive to the bullshit, the sadness, the horrid things, everything that is terrible. We're naive. I miss being young. I feel I've grown up waaaaay too fast. I feel that I was cheated out of the best years of my life. My childhood was way too short. Too short. Too fast. My life as an adult... will be so long...

That is, until I find that love.

That love:

The person who I can tell everything.
The person who will still love me afterward...
The person who will accept me for who I AM.
I'm a sad, hurt person... but I am a damned strong person. I cast off sadness. Other people can live in their own miserable lives.

BUT I REFUSE.

I FUCKING REFUSE.

I refuse to be sad. Humans don't have to be sad. We just have to be strong enough to be happy.

I... hate... the way we are. Humans. Us. We.

I wish... that everybody could enjoy the simple things:

The beautiful things.

Enjoy their senses...

Sights... smells... sounds... tastes... touches...

They are the most wonderful feelings... the best experiences.

Get the fuck out of your heads people;

GET THE FUCK OUT.

Seriously, like.

I know humans suck.

Life sucks.

THAT'S HOW IT IS.

How can other people not accept this?

I've accepted it. I'm damned aware of it.

Why can't everybody else?

Human life SUCKS, k?

It just does.

We don't need to like

live... in sadness.

There's still wonderful things in this world.

Look past sadness. Look past pain. Look past people. Look past it all.

FACE YOUR FUCKING FEARS.

Look them in the face, and tell them they are bullshit.

Your fears are nothing. You are strong.

STOP PRETENDING YOU'RE WEAK.

and if you are weak, darling.

Admit that to yourself.

Pride is nothing.

REAL PRIDE COMES FROM ACCEPTANCE.

Accept the world. Accept yourself.

You are who you are...

and you're beautiful...

everyone... is beautiful...

everyone... deserves to be happy.

Everybody. Deserves. To be. Happy.

Happiness. :]

Smiles, joy...

GOOD TIMES

singing, dancing...

Love...

the ultimate happiness...

I miss love...

Though, my last love was not complete.

It wasn't true,

well, it wasn't as true as I wanted it to be...

I couldn't tell him everything.

For a while, I was too weak to admit to myself that it wasn't.

I didn't want to lose the person who made me happy.

But... when... that person stopped... making me happy...

...well

I started to think--

I started to realize.

R E A L I Z E.

I started to realize what I wanted out of life.

I want to be happy. Love just happens to be the ultimate form of happiness for me.

I'm going to be happy one day. I'm different. I can accept. I can deal. I'm fucking strong.

I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry I'm happy.

I feel bad for you, you:

the people who cannot accept the world, and still be happy.

Ya'll should take some of the shit I'm on: it's hella good.

Teehee!

I'm gonna go get FOOD.

FOOD WITH KENDAL~!

Did you know she's awesome? She really is.

That's why Cooper likes her so much more than me.

Dang.

My Brain

Is so wrapped up with the idea of love,
That if it were under a Christmas tree, and a crazed 4 year old went at it,

It'd take at least a damned year for that kid to get down to the present, 'cause there would be so many LAYERS OF INTENSE WRAPPING PAPER.

Can I has present now please... :(

Impatient, hooo!

Love is my cocaine, and I'm missing it bad.

I Finally Figured It Out

I'm a story teller

I tell stories

I'm a liar

I manipulate the truth

but the truth is still the truth

and isn't that the essence of every story?

aren't they all just truths, in different forms?

I've got a lot to say about the world

but only one hand to type...

so the TBWL List will continue to grow

until I can type as fast as I'd like to again...

I finally know who I am

...now if only he knew who he is...

Why ADD Love?

'cause the world needs more love... :]
& it sounds a lot cooler than ADD Real Life
!

Love is also more or less always on my mind, anyway

I am a dreamer and a hopeless romantic...

Most of the new stuff I plan to write about is more or less centered around "love."

Calvin also told me once that I was a fickle lover...

like how people with ADD have a fickle attention span...

It fits! Remarkably well, I must say.

There's not going to be a new URL... I don't want to break links.