Everyday

Everyday, I try.
I try to help me.

Today, I painted my nails.
They are teal
and they have a crazy sparkle overcoat thing on them

They are for Cpt. America this weekend!

Because I am gonna go out,
I am gonna feel good.

I also got new stuff for my face.

I call it "Hope in a Bag"

Like that Philosophy brand's "Renewed Hope in a Jar"

juuuuuuuust a whole lot less expensive

(though that stuff is really nice.)

I must keep up the encouragement

I must keep up the drive


I am thinking about getting a journal

and at the end of the day, writing what I did that day

just a list,

a handwritten list to recovery, to new-found strength and happiness

there is an innate power in writing things by hand


I even thought about getting myself stickers to make my own homage to preschool in helping myself!

I only get a sticker on that day if I accomplish a few goals or something.

Maybe that's too much, but maybe that's the silly kind of motivation I need?

After a certain amount of stickers I take myself out to eat. By myself, somewhere.

Food motivates me like nothing else ever... it's the best...

I also looked at painting supplies yesterday

It'll cost me like $30 to get some brushes, some paint, and a few canvases

I still have to work so hard
to make me me again

I am so vibrant and full of life and keeping myself locked in my room is just
such a waste?

What a nice thing to type.

The Need to Write!

SOOOOOOO today in 102!

I was thinking, since we were just going over Benjamin again,

Man, I really want to write about Vanquish. Hahahaha.

Then I laughed at how nostalgic, nerdy, and fantastic I am.

Then I laughed at Alex being passed out because he stayed up until 6 AM finishing our paper for the class.

What a goof!

Anyway, so like, I was all supppppper down to start writing again.

Then I realized: shit, bro, I don't have any time for this shit!

Eh. Not really. I think I'm more just scared that my writing will end up as bad like, FFXI fanfiction. I don't wanna do that.

I do not have a lot of time, though. I mean, that's sort of true.

Then again, I have the time right now to be writing this...

Let's stop talking about me and time, 'aight?

Hrm... so now yeah okay~!

Writing. I want to write about Vanquish as a set of short stories that kinda are a memoir. They'd be Memoirs of a White Mage. Hhahahahaa.

I don't know why I laugh at writing about FFXI and the people I met there so much... maybe it's because society finds internet relationships to be petty jokes and not real in any sense -- and the connotations that go along with playing a MMO are just freakin' crazy... as in crazy negative...

Maybe I'm still afraid to step out of my comfort zone.

Funny, I know that once I do, I can produce something amazing.

But maybe I'm just not ready for that yet. Maybe I'm not ready because I don't feel that I have the adequate brain time to use on writing. Shit, man, I'd prolly only be able to write like a few pages a day, if that. Y'know, providing I was in the right mood to be writing at all. Homan--

Either way, there's been a lot on my mind recently. I've been spending a lot of time with Jacob, and it's made me really relaxed, peaceful, and happy. Though I feel as if I am being selfish, because my communication with Ryan has dropped substantially this week. I hope he doesn't think that I all of a sudden think ill of him -- as his crazy brain might do -- I just am like, happy as I am right now and am too selfish to want to change any of that at the moment.

Then again, why should I ever change my plans if they involve me being less happy? :/ Right?

Man. Everything is so crazy right now. Well, everything forever is crazy. That's just kinda how life is....

Tonight the Stellar Corpses are playing at the Catalyst. I don't think I'm going. I just like, won't feel right there. I'm not a psychobilly type of girl, y'know? I don't even know how to type the word correctly. I think the culture is cool, and I really appreciate it, but I'm not the type of person who can participate in a mosh pit -- even if it's the nicest most pit that ever existed! I can't deal with physical discomfort very well. It really affects my thinking and thought processes... no bueno, dude.

Also tonight: Silly Creature is playing at Kresge Town Hall aka 2 feet away from my apt. I haven't seen r00b, Nate, or Keyhan for a long time, and I'd really like to show those guys that I still enjoy Silly Creature, and that I support them! Besides, I'm also contemplating wearing my fish net shirt to the show to mess with Rubino. Hahahaha.

Oi, everything ever. Again. Everything ever in my head. Did you know I can write for days, dear blogger? I think you do, but sometimes, when my archive looks thin, I think you question my ability to write. I do too, though, so, maybe all of this thinking is kinda pointless. Maybe I should write a book all in stream-of-consciousness. That'd be really cool. It'd also prolly contain a lot of typos. Can I use spellcheck if I'm typing in stream-of-consciousness? Hahahaha. I think what I'm writing now is kinda stream-of-consciousness, and I used spellcheck to spell consciousness correctly... so... I guess it counts. Meh. Dunno. Too philosophical for me at the moment!

Erg so like later, I really want to write a super-awesome and long blog post about that teacher that I tried to get to know on Tumblr. I have no idea why he didn't respond to me. He prolly either thinks that I'm some goob ass undergrad without a brain OR doesn't actually have the time for a social life. I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt, because he is a teacher, and a very devoted teacher, so I think it is plausible that he could've had something more important to do than to chat with some random person on Tumblr. I just wish that he would've talked to me... I think he's so cool and smart and awesome and just like! Ugh. I would like to talk to someone who's just ahead of me in life so baaaaaaaaaad. I mean, the fact that he's adorable as shit doesn't bother me at all, either, but still. I'm not looking for a relationship right now. There's kinda one smacking me in the face currently. Oi. To be fair, I don't know if smacking is the right word to use. It implies that I'm not happy, or am like, forced into my current relationship situation. And I'm not. I do what I want. Like forever. Forever forever. Did you know that I freaking love language? Gosh, it's like the most interesting thing eveeer! But, then again, I prolly love the study of literature more. I dunno. I wonder what Tanner got on his paper. I'm really curious. Because I'm a bad person. Oh well.

Saturday night kinda sucked. It's a good thing this weekend has arrived now, though, because I think it's about to be a good one!

Also: heard Steve was more... of not my type of person. Interesting. Still willing to investigate, but like, significantly less interested in anything with him. I guess that's what the investigating is for, right? Hah!

Man. I keep talking about all of these things and people floating around and around and around in my head, but I never seem to talk about the things that are really, really important to me. Oh well. I don't know if I'm okay with my heart and soul on the internet -- just my brain works a lot better for me.

But wait. Is my brain my heart and soul? OH SHIT PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION TIMEEEEE

Oi, man, everything ever. Everything ever. Abbey is coming over on the 25th. I'm really excited to see her and how she's grown over the past few years. I think she's an incredible young lady, and never, ever gives herself enough credit for how far she's come. I guess that's where I come in, eh? :D

We're gonna watch Velvet Goldmine. It has Ewan McGregor naked in it. Hahahaha. 'Cause, y'know, I totally watch movies for a single aesthetic moment. Whatever. lol  I really hope I can get Kim to come over, too, because Goddamn I miss her. She's the freaking best.

UGGGGGGH. Could write forever. Forever and ever.

Whatevs.

I think I'm done for now. My brain isn't functioning as I'd like it to be to continue.

Don't ask me why -- 'cause I don't wanna think about it.

But then again, blogger, you don't ask me questions... you just sit here and allow me to fill you with my thoughts. So non-judgmental. I love it.

Meh. Ta-ta for now, motherfucker!

A New Activity!

Darlene + Rocky Horror = win!

May 28th. Stevenson Event Center.

Give yourself over to absolute pleasure.

Seriously. It's gonna be hot!

And I'm in the pre-show, doing something to Lady Gaga's Telephone!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

What Will Hopefully Be A Good Post~

Naked. Always naked. That's how I like to be.

I told Aaron Franklin that the other day.

I think he thinks I'm a little strange.

Whatevs!

I'm writing nice things, amusing things, 'cause I kind of sort of feel depressed as shit right now. XD

COOL DUDE.

Not really. Not at all.

Today. I woke up at 2:30 PM.

I spent most of the night with Jacob. Was up until the light of dawn.

(For your information, dear reader, nothing happened.)

I've done that... like... three times this week.

Should have done that... zero times.

Stupid stupid stupid. Not doing any good for anyone.

I let him be close to me. I've gotta have better self control. I've got to... stop giving in to how lonely I am.

I'm... just so sorry.

I've been really sorry, all day.

People always say how I push others away. And I'm well aware that I do. I just don't know how to keep people close to me anymore. I get scared. Hurt. I hurt easily... way more easily than I'd ever like to admit to myself or anyone else... but y'know!

This is what blogs are for.

Sadness. Ranting. Archiving it so I can look at my thoughts later and think, "Good lord, I'm so glad I'm not in that mindset anymore."

This blog has also been... one of the few places where I can think, uncensored.

Well, mostly uncensored. I have too many readers who have feelings to not be censored at all.

(I've already failed to meet my blog's original purpose. Oh well.)

I don't know. I don't know. I'm just so sorry.

Sorry for the drama, the pain, the stupid confusions I've caused this year...

See, I've always had this issue with self-esteem. If you've ever read this blog before, you know that. It's quite obvious.

But I've not doubted who I am... in quite some time.

Maybe I'm a problem. Maybe I'm too selfish. Too ambitious. Too uncaring and headstrong... never giving myself a break is what I do best. I'm also happiest when I'm busy. Idle hands are depression's playground. Ew. Cliche as fuck, but twisty cliche!

Stupid stupid stupid.

Why am I so stupid? Argh. So dumb. Can't see so many things. Always want what I can't have, what I can't reach.
I always want what I can't have because I believe in the impossible. Stupid. Stupid fucking dreamer, dude.

I spent the entire day in bed today. Watched anime until 8:30. Then I watched Mean Girls. Then I took a shower. Now I'm here, moping about on the internet. I feel pathetic. Not the kind of cute lazy pathetic that I perform, but really, really, pathetic.

There's too many lies going on in my head right now. I'm trying to convince myself of too many things.

Too many injured frendships that I will prolly just let slide, 'cause I don't have the mental capacity to deal with the anxiety that comes along with wanting to resolve things...

I'm scared of myself. And the person I've become. I've changed. I'm not the girl I was a few years ago. Not at all.

And for the first time in a long time, I don't know if I am okay with the person I am.

Er, going back to the self-esteem issues.

Have never thought I was pretty.
Have always thought I'm pretty fucking awesome.

I've always blamed my personality insecurities on my physical appearance.

Ex: I'm utterly convinced my acne comes from how stressed I am.
I'm stressed because I have massive anxiety issues.
I'm not exactly sure where my massive anxiety issues came from... but I'm gonna guess it prolly has something to do with not having the ability to trust people as much as I'd like....

Er, uh, I don't know.

Can we call this post soul-searching? I feel like I'm looking for something. A certain thought.

Or maybe I keep typing, because I know what that thought is, but am still too afraid to put it into written words. Y'know, the only language I speak/understand clearly?

Yeah, uh, I'ma be typing for a while longer if that's the case. Hah. XD

'CAUSE I DUNNNNOOO, BROOOO.

Oh! Wait!

Back to me hating my appearance:

I was talking to Ryan, once, and he told me:

"Darlene, people don't like you not because of what you look like, but because you're just too much for them. You're kinda crazy, y'know?"

At least, those words seem more of my own, but that's what I got out of it.

That was also right after he told me he didn't consider me to be one of his best friends...

So maybe I took it wrong? Maybe I was a little hurt... Hm...

Either way -- if I interpreted what he said correctly or no -- it got me to thinkin'.

Darlene, you're too crazy.

What makes me too crazy? Too much to handle? I don't understand. I was gonna say is it because I'm too honest with myself, and the rest of the world, but, yeah, that's funny... I'm totally not honest with myself, nor the world. Don't think I ever have been. Sure, I don't tell lies. I don't do things maliciously. That's just not me. But like... avoiding white elephants, pushing issues out of my mind, isn't that even worse? Isn't lying to yourself the worst thing you can do..?

FUCKING HELL I DON'T EVEN KNOOOOOOOOOOW.

And I keep wondering about Rubino.

Why me?
Whywhywhy...

I know he'd not really like me to say anything -- but, like, I really kind of need to/want to.

The want creates the need. I'm awful at bottling my feelings up, y'see?

Ug I just want to ask him so bad... why did that night happen? What the fuck?

My brain is so confused.

Erm. Hrm. That's not what this is about.

But maybe it is. Maybe this post is just about everything, ever, too.

Ugh... so many things on my mind.

Spring cleaning... so much clutter and junk in this head 'o mine...

Mmmmm... Tanner... so much to say about him...

But, as I feel right now, at this very moment, all I can think is, "Dear lord, I miss him."

It's been hard accepting that I'm not special to him anymore. Really hard. I actually thought I'd always have a special relationship with him. Dumb dumb dummmmb~

Tanner only cares about girls who don't make him uncomfortable. Who don't point out his flaws... who don't yell at him across the dinner table...

I understand why he doesn't care anymore. And it hurts, because both of us are far too stubborn to concede our view to be close again.

I'm always gonna think he talks down to me.
He's always gonna think otherwise.

I just... wish we could be friends again. But I can never, ever, pretend that there's not things that bother me about him again...

I will forever stick by my own thoughts -- until they're proven wrong... and I actually believe they're wrong. My greatest ally is myself.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here. I'm just really sad.

Oh. I do want to say that you were right about Smolich, Jacob.
One-hundred-complete-freakin'-percent-correct.

Yay, that's off my chest!

I don't know what else to talk about right now. I'm getting tired...

Can't wait to get back to SC tomorrow. I'm so sad about Alec, though.

Love the kid to death. Breaks my heart...

~.~

Maybe I feel a little better, maybe?

"Beatiful People" on Tumblr - Thoughts

Many a person on Tumblr spams my dashboard with many a photo of a "Beautiful person" and while I'd agree that the photos they post of people are quite nice, and quite attractive, for some reason, they bother me. They gnaw at my brain. They make me uncomfortable. And this morning, I finally figured out why.

These "beautiful people" are simply photos. That's it. Nothing about who they are, what they do, their interests, their talents, their dreams...

Is the girl pictured about beautiful because her hair's red? Because she's wearing thigh high socks? Because her face is very pretty and well made-up? Is she pretty because she's the idea of "different"? Why, of all the pictures of people, did you post this one? By posting this picture, what are you saying about yourself? Are you wishing you could look like her? Are you wishing you were different, like her? What are you trying to promote? What are you saying about her?

You know how to be different? Be yourself. Everyone is unique and special -- don't let idiotic conceptions of beauty destroy who you are. I'm blonde, with blue eyes, white as fuck, and I know I'm different. I look totally fuckin' normal, not special in any way, and yet, I'm beautiful. (Fuck yeah Lady Gaga, anyone? Born This Way premiered today! XD) Sure my face is scarred from the years of acne I've endured, but fuck man, does that really matter? I freak the fuck out about my face because I feel ugly, due to society that we live in. Scars aren't pretty, therefore I'm not pretty. Fucking bullshit. This world is God damned stupid. Haha. If the world saw more in people than the way they look, I'd of never felt awful about myself for the last... what, 7 years? I don't get a chance to show people who I am, because I'm so damn worried they won't even communicate with me because I'm simply too ugly. I don't have to wear weird clothes or dye my hair crazy colors to know I'm different, sure, I can understand the reasoning behind "Man, my hair looks fucking cool with a purple streak in it," but ugghhh... rage rage rage... I really, really, hate people's idea of beauty, and people who post on Tumblr just promote the shit out of the idea. Soooooo disturbing to me...

One can run around promoting how different they are, or they can just be different. 

One can run around promoting how much of a nice guy he is, or he can just be a nice guy.

Actions people, actions. They speak so much more.

How can someone be considered beautiful if they're just an image? Just a photo? What if the person in said picture is posing to make a few extra bucks to fund her crack addiction as her baby daddy struggles to feed the newborn she's too fucked up to take care of? Is she still beautiful? I'm sorry, but I beg to differ... looks aren't everything, people.

Also: photoshop. lol.

Furthermore, there's no stories behind these pictures. They're shallow. One-dimensional. And they promote a very crude and limited sense of beauty. Being beautiful is so much more than nice tits and an ass... ARRRGGGHHH

Now, when I get drunk, one of the most common things I utter is, "Look at all the beautiful people." And most people would say because I'm drunk, the phrase means a whole lot less. I once again, beg to differ. I feel like I'm most honest when my walls are down, and alcohol breaks 'em down real fast...

Anyway, I'ma point out somethin' real quick like:
I usually say "Look at all the beautiful people" around my closest friends, the ones I truly know are beautiful - while we're dancing, chillin' around a hookah, playin' Apples to Apples, having awesome drunk moments, or simply watching a Giants game. Then again, I believe that there's at least one thing about a person that makes them beautiful... so... euh. It's not uncommon for me to say something of the sort on say, a dance floor. Oh but I can explain that! Dancing is something that is very personal, even if it's just flailing... people can express themselves through dance, and that's why a bunch of dancing people is beautiful! They're expressing something of themselves to everyone else, and how can anyone scoff at that? How can that not be beautiful? Dance, especially drunk dancing, is a very raw form of human expression... a unique expression of one's self... Yeah! (I sometimes say "Look at all the beautiful people!" to make KendalKorn giggle, too, 'cause for some reason she's super amused by it... :]) 

Anyway! I didn't say it once this last party -- because I didn't freakin' know anyone there. (Also: not drunk? Dunno if I said it [in the context I'm writing of] at the party before this, but uh... yeah, here's a loop in my argument!) XD Party was weird as fuck, I got creeped on, and I got to spend maybe a fraction of my time there with my actual friends, because they were too busy freakin' the fuck out about the random ass people who showed up who ended up getting pretty sick... ugh... worries + booze = not happy.

I also have a "Beautiful Man Wall" here in my room, which I'd think most people would consider a flag for "Hey, you don't give a fuck about beauty!" Why do I think they're beautiful? I've watched every single person on my wall. Most are from movies, or Matt Bellamy... I've got an image of them, and their personalities in my mind. They're not just a body... not just an image of what I consider "attractive." While I'm kind of aware that Johnny Depp is kind of an asshole, the roles he plays (the Mad Hatter, Captain Jack) are what I associate his personality with, so y'know, it's a little off, but yeah... I think my point has been made...

Shit man I don't even know... I gotta go eat breakfast...

I'm just glad I figured out why these pictures bother me. They're attractive (these chicks are def hot, I'm not arguing against what they look like at all!), not beautiful. Beauty is so much more than a picture on Tumblr. Stupid materialistic world... stupid stupid stupid... rageragerage

I feel like I can write about Derrida now. Hello, thinking mood.

SO HUNGRRRRYYY XDD

The Weekend of the Captain!

I've sure been doin' a lot of these recap thinggers lately... prolly 'cause I've got time on the weekends to blog blog blog 'til my daddy takes my computer away~ ♪♪

Man, that's silly. Duurrrrrr hurrrr hurrrr ...

So, wtf am I goin' to talk about today? I guess I should start with Friday, don't think anything huge and/or significant happened during the week.

Friday was cool: Rocky Horror. My friend Stephanie was Janet, and she was adorable. So awesome. I danced on stage with Ana and Cory, and it totally made my night! Besides, my legs looked awesome in those heels. Ohhh baby. :]

Ladies!

That night basically consisted of Cpt. Morgan, Rocky, order pizza, pass out. It was good, it was chill. No depressed Darlene, ftw.

THE NEXT DAY! Saturday!

I got up and dressed around noon. Left my place around 1:45. Went to a house on Ocean street for a house show. Stayed until like, 6 something. Silly Creature was awesome, as usual, Time Machine was... pretty good? And Zeyphr's band was a FUNK band and it impressed me quite a bit! So cool! Voto was also there for a while makin'... beats? Or something... dunno... with a pedal board. Neat neat neat!

After that, Pranov and I went to Taco Bell. We feasted. Crunchwraps, hooo!
Wes was also with us. Is it bad that I'm basically totally sketched out by him? Hah...
THEN we went to the Pacific Cookie Company to see Max (Pranov's friend) annnnnnnnnnd we got some cookies. I had a chocolate covered snickerdoodle.

Friends are good, right? I think so.

We went to the downtown house for a bit afterward. I think Pranov was in the bathroom or something, because Wes and I were chillin' in the front room by our lonesomes for a while. Sort of weird, but whatever. We decided to roll out to Church House early to try and avoid the storm getting any worse. Dunno if it was a good call or not... heh

We ended up at Church House at like 7:40. 'Bout 20 mins early, but there were people there already anyway. No biggie. We just attempted to dry off and hung out for a bit. Church House has stadium seating now and it's awesome!

Riley showed up next. The boys had some beer, they were content. A little wet, but content~ ♪♪

Then Cory, Freshman, Logan, and Tanner showed up. I was joined on the couch for a bit, but then people were like "HOMYGOD BEER PONG GOOOOOO!" Annnd I ended up warmin' the couch by myself for a while. Was nice. Relaxing. I was super tired from the like... 4 hours of music earlier, anyway.

I finally got up to go watch some pong. I was interested in their rules... comapin' 'em to our Rancho rules. We play hardcore pong in the 'Cho. Intense shit, y'know?

I feel like Rory would have been proud. Hah.

Anyway, during that, I heard there was more rum. Cpt. Morgan again. Mmmm. I had myself a shot. A tasty tasty shot... and then made myself some rum and coke. Def my favorite drink... :)

Downed that pretty quick, then had another shot. 'Twas my alcohol intake for the night... because the rum disappeared quickly...

Phrase of the night.

Oh then Voto showed up... and I was like heeeeeeeeey~!

I feel like I def drunk hit on him. A lot. S'ok. Liquid courage goooooooo!

But, at the end of the night, I managed to ask him if he'd like to spend some time together sometime, and he gave me a rather excited yes. Pretty sweet, dude!

BUT I got no number... lolfail... Tanner def got it... DERRRRP.

I also dunno if he was so excited 'cause he was drunk, too. Merp. Self-doubt, hooo!

So, the bands that played were pretty good. Six in one day. Was like a festival. In my backyard. SO COOL. (I ♥ SC!)

I can't remember the third band's name, but of course, our loves, Under a Western Sky played, and another new (?) band named In the Airplane played as well. Was a good show. Under a Western Sky created a mosh pit, as usual. Was a rather intense one. I was sitting off to the side (with Voto, btw, GLEEEEEEEEEE) and I got hit in the mouth, and then someone knocked my glasses off and one of the nose pieces def scratched my face a bit. Ooow. OH well. If I had actually been in that pit, I prolly would have died. Was fun watching my friends go, though!

Freshman said he got like, 4 concussions. I dunno man. I dunno.

Blaaargg. So the music ended around 11, and everyone was intoxicated enough already so we decided to roll back onto campus. Was prolly a good call.

The bus was stupid full when we got on, the bus driver was hella legit and let WAY more of us than he should have (by bus company type thing regulations)... it was awesome.

I didn't have anything to hold on to, so I kind of kept falling over. Sorry, Riley & Tanner. XD

When we went past the UCSC guard thing, all of us in the front ducked. It was so funny.

The bus also died twice. Succcccccccch an awesome bus ride! Yahooo! :]

Yep. Anyway. Made it back to Porter. Drank another shot (forgot about that one!), went to my room, hung out for a bit. Tanner ordered a shit load of pizza... blah blah blah watched some YouTube videos...

I think I almost cried again. Def almost went into depressed drunk Darlene mode again. Meh.

Whenever I feel bad, though, the guys always tell me, "it could be worse, you could have a dick."

I dunno how that's supposed to make me feel better. At all.

And I kept saying, "I hate my life" last night... I do, sort of. Lately I've been really, really down. Can't find a relationship... I miss them so much... don't have that special person to just bond with, don't have that person to just love me for who I am. It's so hard to live without that when I know how good it is, and when I lived with it for so long. ARRGGHH.

(There was a point in the night where I was looking at your name in my phone, considering things...)

I'm well aware that people are worse off than me. Shit dude, I always try my best to eat every once of food I take from the d-hall because I am so aware of things. I always try my best to appreciate things. I get pissed as fuck when people don't appreciate the things they have... I def say, "I hate my life" versus "My life is so terrible." I don't have to like my life, even if it's a rather okay one. Mother fuckin' Great Gatsby, anyone? Urg.

I don't know why I'm so particularly upset. Oh well~

This week is Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving break. I need it. Bad. Can't wait to see my family and friends in the 'Cho! I especially miss Cindy, my Mom, my broski-bro, and Matty. Always miss Matty. Oh and Chris and Brittainy, too! Always, I want to be with them! HAH!

Man, this post reeks of retarded-ness sometimes. Oh well.

Overall, was a pretty good weekend. Now I gotta read shit fo' class, and shower, and eat, and get on with my life!

There's tomorrow to worry about: gotta edit my paper, finish my readings, and... y'know... get ready to go home. :)

I'm gonna be rollin' out on Weds. Weds afternoon, headin' home on the 17.

I'm excited. Gonna make so many friendship bracelets.

Oh and dude, Freshman gave me an iPod (!!!) so I can listen to music on the way home! ♥

Such a good Freshman.

Such good musics.

Annnnnnnnnd in celebration of our liquor of choice!:

In Celebration of Harry Potter:

I figured out what house I'd be in. I feel like Hufflepuff is most suited to meeeeeeeeee! :) They're supposed to be loyal, patient, and hard-working. Makes sense, right?

Then I googled Hufflepuff! LOOK WHAT I GOT!





Going to sreeps now, good night~

Bloooooog

So many things I need to post.

So little time to think. So little time to type.

So little will to do anything. Ugh.

(Except read. I like to read.)

I feel like I'm dying.

In other news: I'm becoming more and more like a writer!

Drinkin' my sorrows away, look at me go!

Fuck yeah for Faulkner. He's my writing hero.

Many, many great writers were also sort of alcoholics! YEAAAAH!

(I'm not really gonna become an alcoholic, btw, just sayin'.)

It was really nice seeing Kendal tonight. And Pranov earlier, too. I miss downtown people.

The Office reminds me of home. Of orchestra. I miss it.

Had a really weird dream this morning, too.

Me, my Mom, and Logan were there. We were all watching this amazing beautiful holy God mind blowingly awesome symphony in this really elaborate, fancy ass concert hall. There was a lot of gold, like, plating stuff? And the curtains were fashionably red. Really picture-esque and beautiful. Reminds me of the very opening of Moulin Rouge! Anyway, I don't remember much, but, something had happened, and like, my Mom just sort of disappeared. Then I got really, really sad... incredibly, incredibly depressed, and Logan was the only one there, it's just he was just super distant and it was really weird - like, he was trying to comfort me, but it was all bad, didn't work. I woke up pretty depressed. Hah. Good times. ~.~

Anyway, weird shit. Don't really want to think about it. Errrg.

Don't like my dreams. Unless I'm dreaming of squirrels.

I like squirrels.

BLAAAAAAAARG.

Weekend Recap!

ALRIGHT.

This weekend was good.

Like, perfectly good.

Except Ana was at home. :( I love my roommate!

Oh and Logan and Freshman were, too. Derp. :D

(I missed them all, srsly.)

Tanner's friend Bouset came to visit. I really liked her. She really likes purple, too! ♥

Friday we watched V for Vendetta (Nov. 5th, bitches!), and then Castle in the Sky. Both were awesome.

We also wandered outside to go play on the carousel. It was good. We kind of planned an orgy as well, s'good shit man.

Saturday, I woke up and went to FRL! I freaking love Fish Rap, it's the greatest. Got done there at like 3. I now know how to use In-Design! Yahoo!

Theeeeeeeen me, Mark & Cam went downtown to buy the good noms. Bought good noms and a bag of Sour Patch Kids & Sweedish Fish. Everyone was overjoyed for the fish and kids. Mmmmm, candy!

Saturday night... we got drunk and played Mario Kart.  

BEST IDEA EVER.

Michael Jackson and Batman reside in the Wii here. It is awesome. 

We're gonna drink the rest of the stuff on Weds, and play moaaarrr! No class on Thursday ftw! ^^/

In other news, I think I am now the group drunkard.

I woke up this morning with my shots numbered on my fingers (5, 4, 3, 2, 1) and then "I ♥ shots! :)" on my hand.

lol.

I also started playing Fable III today. HELLA FUN.

But back to me being drunk as fuck. I def passed out in my bed last night.

I also apparently confirmed that I am bisexual last night. I don't remember.

Not that anyone was surprised...

There was one more thing that I apparently "confirmed" last night...

Alec said it was noticable that I kinda like Riley.

I'm scared. XD

I'm prolly gonna say something to him sometime soon. But God damn I feel like a dumb ass. I also feel like... I have a man, Riley's single type of crush. Not like intense feelings or anything. That'd be silly. And mostly suicidal. I want to live. And keep my friends. Haha. It's not like Riley would ever be interested in me, anyway. Haaaah.

OH FRIENDS. RIGHT. I HAS THEM.

I has a Kendal Korn. And I would like her to know that it is okay. Everything is okay and I love her to death. Yeppity yep yep.

Let's see... what else...

Oh,

Feelings for Logan are mostly gone. He's just a freaking attractive person. Bastard. lol

Finally got to talk to Freshman. Was good. Horribly good..? Either way, things are clear now. Thank God. I can freak out 15 times less now.

Got a test on Weds. Gonna be studying a lot. Fuckin' shit, dude.

I feel like there was something else I was gonna say, but I forgot. Le sigh.

Oh well. Sleepy time..? I guess. Tired. Tired-ish and bored...

So I'm Hella Weird

and move/talk/whatever in my sleep.

This morning, I woke up without my PE shorts on. (I normally sleep in them, of course!)

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENED. lol

I'm just going to guess that I'm talented. Aha :]

Just thought the world should know.

Also hella bored. Fuck my laptop screen being... dead.

But Distant Worlds is on.. Weds... I think... Weds right??

Sure, still pretty pissed at Jacob, but y'know, whatever.

Full. Live. Orchestra.

OhmyGodyes.

Yahooooo~!

To pass the time, I've been watching a lot of Harry Potter.

and I've started reading the Lord of the Rings again.

Maybe I'll read enough to finish all 3 and then muster the courage to plow through the Simarllion!

Hella butchered that. Oh well.

Don't think I'm going to Rory's tomorrow. I more than likely will feel like not. Eh heh.

Blahblahblah, blah blah, blah blah. British guy wanted to talk to me today. Made me smile.

Damn, I ALWAYS FEEL CREEPY. WHY AM I SO CREEPY?

Y'know, I don't actually think I'm that creepy. I know creepy.

Derp. Wonder how many people read this blog, anyway.

I suspect more Santa Cruz might've jumped on the bangwagon after that crazy rant post, but, I've posted nothing substantial (pertaining to them, anyway) in a while...

Man, I can't wait to see them. They are wonderful people, they really are. And I miss them.

Only like... two more months and a week. Like... roughly 70 days? Urgg...

BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHTUMMYHURTSOWBLAHBLAHBLAHURG

Gotta Stop Bein' SO LAZY!

and respond!

I need to write long, loving, beautiful thank yous and OHMYGODILOVEYOUs and all kinds of stuff... some people just amaze me to no end...

Blahahahahsdikfdbaildbghqw846b ntyhgs,f

People have made me feel better about college.

Lots, lots better.

And they need to know it MOAR!

Yeppity yep yep~!

Going to play Pong at Rory's tonight. Hella excited to kick it with Rancho peeps! Jacob doesn't drink, nor does he care for social situations. Might be an interesting night. Hopefully and hopefully not it will warrant another blog post tomorrow. We'll see. WE'LL SEE!

Also: I woke up at 2 PM today. Really gotta fix my sleep schedule. Gotta stop watching Doctor Who with my brother until 6 AM.

...but it's just so fun!! ARGH!

I think he finished Season 3 last night, and now he's watching 2... because he originally skipped it for some reason, and just watched Doomsday. Haha.

Oh, last night was hella legit, btw.

Had In-and-Out, saw Kylie, Kristen, and Brad! I'd of liked to talk to them more, but it would've been hella weird because Jacob doesn't really know them at all.

and after amazing delicious awesome foods, we watched Ponyo. Cuteexplosion type of film! ♥


directed by none other than
Hayao Miyazaki! *cheers*

My friends here have made it their mission to educate me on the awesomeness that is Miyazaki. We've already watched Spirited Away and Princess Mononoke! I'm super excited to see the rest of his films. I've loved them so far.

Ponyo was just freaking adorable. So adorable. Poor Ryan Miller couldn't handle the cuteness for a while, which, of course, lead to even more entertainment.

Oh yeah, went to College Group for the first time last night. Made me remember how much I enjoyed going to Youth Group a few years ago. The atmosphere is so nice, so peaceful, so all-encompassing and brilliantly comforting and safe. I like religion. It's a good way to get together, bond, and share experiences, life, and whatever else. Made me really happy, and relaxed my mind. Can't wait for next Sunday!

Tomorrow I'm planning to watch more Glee with Cindy. I would today, but today I'm not really moving so much until it's time for Pong. Yaaaay, hella days lazy Darlene! It happens. I'm sure she'll understand. Man... I really need to shower.

OH! One last thing: Blogging is cool.

Hurrrrderpderp OUT LIKE TROUT!

Beautiful Man #10 - Billy Boyd

3rd man from LOTR! This is Billy Boyd, better know as Pippin! ♥ He's just so damn adorable, and silly, and I love the part when he sings the song "The Steward of Gondor." It's beautiful, and creepy, and done so well. He's my favorite hobbit, by far, and like a good fan girl, I'm excited when he's on screen! I honestly don't know what else he really does, but he has def been my desktop background before. This picture, even! Mmmmm... short people with hairy feet.

Beautiful Man #9 - Viggo Mortensen

Viggo Mortensen is the second LOTR man to grace my wall, and it is not without reason! But don't worry, dear reader, Gimili will not be an addition just because he's in the movies! Yet another super attractive older man... my Mom is always like, "ooooh!" when he comes on screen... or at least she was, God knows she'll prolly not watch LOTR again. Aragorn's character is played so well... and is so manly... and stuff. Oh well, this actor is awesome, and looks awesome. Woo!

Beautiful Man #7 - Orlando Bloom

Orlando Bloom has a baby face, and is therefore made fun of often. He is a man associated with being thirteen. But the thing is with Orlando Bloom, y'see - is he is LEGOLAS! YEEAH, Legolas. Freaking elf man. Hot elf man. AND A PIRATE. GOD I LOVE PIRATES. Yep yep yep. I dunno what else to say, really, he's just pretty. Good to look at. I had a poster of him as Legolas over my bed when I was like thirteen or fourteen. Was nice to stare at when I couldn't sleep at night. Man, I'm creepy.

Beautiful Man #6 - Johnny Depp

I love him 'cause he's a pirate. A really hot, smoldering, grimy pirate. God I love pirates. So why is this a picture of Johnny Depp as not-a-pirate? 'Cause he's freakin' hot here, too! Look at that man! Look at that piano! The only thing bad about this picture is the cigarette. Those aren't sexy. But man... oh man...

Beautiful Man #4 - Ewan McGregor

I loved Moulin Rouge with a passion when I first saw it in like, 2001-2002. Such a great film! Later, I saw Big Fish. Yet another great film. Then, I caught on to this actor. This beautiful, beautiful, amazing, awesome actor. I remember days when my best friend and I would watch Transpotting and Velvet Goldmine. Man. Yeah. Good days. Fuckin' middle school man, good times. Ewan McGregor is known for being naked. From what I know, he says, "Women have to do it all the time, so I do just to tip the scales a bit!" Oh, thank you!!

A Lot Less Angst

Today was a pretty boring day. Haha.

THIS IS GOING TO BE SUCH A COOL BLOG POST.

DERPDERPHURRR...

Anyway, so...

I slept for 12 hours last night...

Good stuff.

Started moving around... 2 PM? Haha.

Didn't have to deal with... anything negative today... and I woke up to a friend of mine being amazing... ♥ (Thank you so much, I so need stuff like that!)

My brain tonight, is somewhat free of worry.

I got a lot out last night... was good...

Need to go out tomorrow (tonight?) though. Been inside for two days. Gettin' restless.

Gonna go see Toy Story on Friday though! AWESOMEE! And I get to see Stephen and Andrew! Finally! ♥

Maybe I'll text Jacob tomorrow and tell him I don't hate him. Even though I did rage at him quite a bit. Matty told me that I'm not allowed to not hang with him, though, so yeah. Gotta fix that stuff quick-like!

Hehe, maybe, just maybe though. :]

Oh, and I ate bagels. Man I love bagels.

Ducky and I are okay as well!

...and Darthy and I are going to take over the world... onomnomnomnomnom

but, yeah.

Good day. Relaxing day. No thinking day.

AND!

One less day until the next Doctor Who episode! Teehee! :3

I like Matt Smith. He's not David Tennant, but y'know, he does a good job.

OH YEAH, I KILLED A GIANT MASSIVE LUMBERING TROLL TODAY.

YEEAAAAH, VIDEO GAMMMMES.

Man, I'm so cool.

/facepalm

Oh yeah, I really miss people from college.

OH OH OH OH YEAH!

I wanted to add something to this; 'cause now it's mothafuckin' significant!

Julia's British friend is hella cute. There. I said it. Typed it. Yeah. Always wanted to.

<.< >.>

I BREAK ALL GIRL CODES WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEEEEE D:

... le sigh

-.-

I will do nothing! Nothing! Besides! Three months until I go back to college!

NOTHING!

Respect for Julia. Friendship. Love Julia. Don't want to do anything to fuck with that.

Also: would ask; but far too freaked out and concerned and just worried about everything... AKA being myself BLAHBLAHBLAH WHY DID DRAMA EVER HAVE TO EXIST :(

Stupid boys. Stop being cute 'n shit.

DURRRRRRRRR.

God, I feel so weird, but my mind always thinks DURRR, and then I think DURR GIL-GOMEZ!

That's not that weird, is it?

Fucking lord dude, it's 2 AM already.

I'm so good at rambling on. Too bad there's not a major in rambling.

I'd hella study that shit. Mmhmmm.

Oh yeah, been reading Love Hina online.

It's silly. Cute. Funny. Used to read it with the BFF Nicole when we were in like, middle school.

...but I never got to finish the series. She used to make me do things for her before I could read the next one. And I just never got around to it, I guess.

Good times..?

SO MUCH ANGST

So......

hi blog.

Sure haven't posted anything significant for a while...

News: done with first year of college.
Other news: God damn my life is aggravating.

This thing... the menu thing for Stranger than Fiction (good movie, btw) keeps playing and playing and playing and playing and I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. Except I do. But I don't want to move. I want to keep writing. What the hell is the point of moving, anyway? God I hate moving. I hate doing things. I have to think, and good lord I would be ecstatic to be out of my head for merely an hour. I also wish I could spell. GAAAHHH! GAH GAH GAH. I want to live in SoCal, I want more! ALWAYS MORE. Am I just a person who cannot be satisfied? I don't really want to live in SoCal. Fuck SoCal. Except the Lakers have cool colors, but man, silver and purple are so pretty together. Meh. I don't really care about basketball at all, anyway. I just enjoy doing things with friends, and y'know, if it means cheering for a team I could not give two shits (TWO SHITS! or would that be a half a shit, to make it less significant?) about, hell man, I'm there. I like to see people smile. A lot. I love to see people happy, I love to see them enjoying their lives, but I feel like that is all there is to life for me. I haven't basked in the awesome warmth that is happiness in a long time. Well, that's a lie. I was really happy when Mark gave me a hug when I asked for one. But that happiness was pretty much completely trampled upon by his and Allyson's act of totally ignoring me (Fuck that shit, btw, I had never felt so God damn abandoned in a long time). I wonder if either of them read this. God I miss Mark. I miss him being my friend, and not some person I have to worry about all the time (Y'know, when I'm around, this is kind of irrelevant now, and this is also inserted to make me seem less creepy. 'Cause I'm not that creepy, really.). Can we just go back, please? That's all I want. A friend. Well, I have Cindy here, but yeah, at college, I am miserable, I am so alone. I spend my time with Doctor Who. (Not that that is too much of an issue, 'cause good lord David Tennant is HOT) BUT GAH! My happiness comes from my fantasies, and not my own life. How do I create happiness? How does it happen? I was happy before? Can I be ignorant again? It seems that while I was, I was happy, I was content, I did not give a fuck. Man, I miss Ryan too. OH! Ryan. Ryan = best friend at college, by a long shot. But you see, while I have him, it's just... not the same. Y'know, person reading this? Ryan has Brytnny. I cannot, and will not, ever try to be more to him than she is (as in closeness, in case you're reading! :]), because that's just wrong, and I understand that and I'm good with that. I love that me and Ryan are friends. It's just... I get lonely. I get the type of lonely that I feel only like, love can cure. Maybe that's the thing with Cindy too. Maybe that's why where ever I go, I'm alone. I miss waking up everyday, with someone on my mind. Nowdays, all I can do is observe. I'm too holed up, too reserved, too shy to do a damned thing, or merely mention to anyone that I might slightly be interested. I just don't know. And now, here at home, I had so much hope for a friendship that I thought could possibly work again, but as the days drag on, my hope dwindles and dwindles. It's fucking impossible. Stupid happiness. I always think, should I have given him up? Heh. Except there's two "hims." Interesting fucking plot twist, assholes. Hehe. Always wanted to type that. Menu. Still. Going. Wonder how long I've been typing. Prolly not that long. Doesn't seem too long. Been texting Jacob in between. I need to do this more often. It's relaxing. I'm thinking about writing about how I feel about B5. Oh yes, dear reader, since I don't have to see faces for 3 months, and furthermore, prolly don't have to see any faces I don't want to more than random coincidence next year, fuck this shit. Fuck it in the butt. Butt butt. Christ. I'm so upset. I kind of hate everything B5 embodies. We came together to give everyone a home, to not judge, to be friendly, and care for each other. The only damned thing we accomplished was we became a family. A family with ups and downs, and aunts and uncles, and crazy people. (I don't know who out aunts and uncles would be, btw!) And like my family, we've got people that just resent each other. And until a while ago, that resentment was one sided. BUT HEY WORLD, GUESS WHAT, I'M A BITCH, I'VE GOT FEELINGS, AND I AM MOTHERFUCKING HUMAN, AND WILL BE TREATED ACCORDINGLY. Lord I am so angry right now. Sitting here like a true freaking writer. In complete silence (except for that damned menu thing - ironic the movie is about writing... kinda... whatever) Guess it's not complete silence but whatever. Urg. Shit I say should make sense. I think I consider this silence because it's like, a 30 second clip? Maybe not even that - on repeat. The noise is irrelevant to my thought, and stuff, so I guess I am considering it silence. Maybe this is why I can work well even where there is noise. I just ignore it. Holy shit on a stick I digress like a crazy soooon of a bitch! Hm. I'd like to meet a crazy son of a bitch. Might be my type. Durrrr. Durrr. Dylan. I love Dylan. He's such a sweetheart. And Rebecca. I'm sure she's taking very very good care of Smokey. Wish I could've seen her more. Such a cute mouse. I was totally prepared to take care of her, and I don't consider myself excused from faltering in her care because of Allyson's resentment of me. Should of just grew a God damned pair and shown the world, not even the world, 'cause like hell B5 is the world, that I am a person who is to be respected. Just because I'm ditsy and blonde doesn't mean that I do not think. It does not mean that I don't notice things. That I'm just a dumb clown. Those who believe I am have just not yet known the person I am. It's not like it's really all that easy to get to know me anyway,(unless you read this!) because I'm just bad at communicating. Bad at communicating. Such a God damned stupid awful phrase and excuse. I'm not even trying to be discreet. Thinking that your issues are above everyone else's in the world. Hi, you're just about the most conceited person I've ever met. I'm not going to say my shit is more terrible, less terrible, or equally terrible than yours, girlie, but darlin', for you to be so damned selfish and not think of ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO ARE CURRENTLY DYING makes me sick to my stomach. Fucking shit dude. I'm enjoying this wall of text. It's making me happy. I am venting. Yet, there is no expression on my face. No tears. No expressed anger. Just me, sitting here, typing, typing away. Typing away two quarters of pain misery sorrow and loneliness. Fuck being lonely. I don't want to guys to pick on Ryan for being not-so-great at DotA. Who the fuck cares about DotA? Nobody should get hurt over stupid, stupid games. Games are for fun, and enjoyment. It's cool to compete, but once the competition is over, it's over you fucks. Urg Urg Urg Blarg Blarg Blarg. I really hope Kendal reads this. I love her to death, and I've got to say some things to her, as well. Not bad things. Because I love Kendal. Just... things. Hopefully I'll write about them now. This is a very, very, very honest Darlene, and this is not a drunk Darlene, which means time for rantin', ravin', and all around insane stream-of-consciousness stuff. HEY, I CAN'T FUCKIN' STAND YOU, LOL! Yep. That was the next thing on my mind. So much pent up rage, so much pent up anger. But I'm a God damned coward, and I don't like conflict. I can't deal with it, because it's so damn pointless. At least, like this, I won't really have to deal with anything more than I would have to already. Good fucking times, people. Man I like to curse. Fucking has def got to be one of my favorite words. How can you get more intense than fucking? It's natural human instinct. Raw, vulgar, and there for everyone to see! YEAAAHHH FUCKING. Such a good word. Hehe. Always wanted to type that too. I feel like if Jacob reads this he'll enjoy that line. Oh YEAH! Fucking. Hehe. Fucking. Someone hasn't done it yeeeeeeet and has been lying about it since sophomore yeaaaaar! Hella. Days. Funny. So funny. Thank you, Alex. Teehee. Got a school girl thing goin' on today; it's pretty cute. Reminds me of fucking. Girrrrl, you make me rage. Maybe more than Ella did. Ella. Heh. Can't remember his real name. Damned stupid heartless bastard. GRRR! I feel like it was Andrew. But I love Andrew. Oh. I've got to see Andrew. Maybe you're lost? It's okay, 'cause I'm lost too darlin'. Darling Darlene, thank you Brytnny, you are such a sweet heart. I meant everything I wrote in your yearbook! ♥ Hearts hearts hearts. I want mine to flutter again, mother fuck. FLUTTTEEER. Also a very good word. Maybe that's why I enjoy Joyce Carol Oates so much. She freaking gets it. Holy hell don't know how long it's been since I've written this much. I should really move on to Kendal. Kendal Kendal. God I love the KendalKorn. Looks cool with the "K" too! Okay, so first things first: Logan. He told me he liked you, I was like, d'awww, good luck bro! And I know, KendalKorn, sweet sweet KendalKorn (not meant to be creepy, btw!) that your only experience with friends and guys in the same boat is "HOMYGODIHATEYOUFOREVERDIEBITCHDIERAGGGEEE" annnnnnnd that's not really such a good thing. Now, when I learned that you actually liked him back, I tripped so many balls. The balls of my balls were trippin', and they were trippin' hard. I was SO FREAKING EXCITED for you, darlin'. So he didn't like me. Oh well. Got over it. So he liked you. COOL MY FRIEND CAN BE REALLY HAPPY. That's how it's supposed to work. Friends are supposed to stay friends. They're not supposed to got bat shit insane because of men. Especially men who aren't worth it. Meh, that's kind of mean, but that's what needed to be said (typed?) there. He's not a bad guy; just doesn't realize when he's being a douche bag. Douche. French. God I envy Julia for getting into French 5. So much that I didn't congratulate her. Man, I suck. Stupid envy. Haha. I'm sure she knows that I think that's awesome. Or I hope that she is reading this now and is like, "HEY, DARLENE LOVES ME!" 'cause I most def do. I just want to be further in French, too! Fuck the stupid passe compose. Fuck accents, as well. Fuck them all. DURRRR. Okay, so, got to finish with Kendal. Whenever I see you Kendal, well, actually, only when Allyson is around, I see this sadness in your eyes. Maybe it's just because I'm insane, but I feel, and have felt, for a very long time, that our friendship is totally different when she is around, and when she is not around. Because when Allyson is around, you're not allowed to show hardly any interest in me, except for purposes of common decency. I feel that you are being bogged down, and judged, and somehow, you can't bring yourself to escape that. It's not so bad though, def not as bad as Mark, who has now shown me how much he can just follow someone. Someone who I honestly believe does not care about him as much as he thinks. It makes me sad. So sad. Here I am, like, four to five months later, still being sad about Mark. He's such a good guy. So confused. So awkward. Haha. I wasn't exactly the best of friend, but I def wasn't a terrible one, and if I was, I tried my best to reprimand everything I could. Sometimes, I am stupid. You don't think one day she'll do something incredibly stupid? Or that one day you'll do something she doesn't approve of, and she'll drop you like last night's dinner? God I'm just so sad. And all of this is so past overdue. Finally turned the sound off. Now there's just that picture playing in my peripheral vision. My vision that is pretty much nonexistent. Maybe it's the glare of the TV that makes me pay so much attention. Ugh. Just so much ugh. I hate texting. I hate it. So so sad. So pitiful. So distraught. So many bad thoughts in my mind. I need a vacation from life. I want to go back to Nebraska... should have never given all of that up... I had everything... I had ever wanted... and I just wanted more, because I'm never satisfied. Maybe he was the love of my life, and I gave it up for my dreams. For me. Dreams. Selfishness. Ug. FUCKING STOP TEXTING ME HOLY SHIT. So clueless. Just stop. Stop stop stop. Stoooooooooop. Sad sad sad. Nebraska. Greg. Two things I think about all the damn time. Most of the world doesn't even know about Nebraska. Greg never knew a damn thing. Ever. Heh. Hope he's happy with Kim... though as far as Alex is concerned his life seems pretty damn dull. Except for the Disneyland business. That's pretty cool. God I miss Disneyland and Orchestra and life being okay. Man I can't wait for Distant Worlds, either. It's going to be excellent. I think I'm tired now. So tired. Didn't say as much as I wanted to... but that's the norm. Always is. That's why it's the norm. Dur. Dur. Dur. Durr Gil-Gomez! Haha. Hehe. Ohohohoho~!

Someone needs to come into my life.

Halving the Bones - Porter Core '09

Darlene McCoy
Marco
Porter 80A
29 October 2009
Cinéma vérité
Vibrantly colored, helium-filled balloons and the joyous cracks of a $2 noisemaker engulf a dining room in the aura of “Happy Birthday!” as a little brother’s face is smashed mercilessly into a double chocolate cake. That same little brother’s mother whips out a disposable camera and exclaims, “Say cheese!” Later, the mother will develop her film, and paste the freshly recorded event into a family album. Will a single photo capture the essence of the occasion? Will it capture the smells, the sounds, the guests’ thoughts, and their laughter? Will it capture the little brother’s hidden agony and embarrassment amidst his smiles? How should she, and how should we, as a humanity, go about recording our families’ histories? Ruth Ozeki Lounsbury asks the same question of her viewers in the opening of her documentary: Halving the Bones. Coincidentally, Halving the Bones is Ozeki’s answer to her own question. In this film, she leads her viewers on a complex journey through her family’s past. She presents her grandmother’s “written autobiography” of her immigration to America, and then tells the tale of her mother, the cancer. Though this film seems to be a simple documentary of a Japanese immigrant and her offspring, Halving the Bones is entrenched with archival footage and ideas that simply do not match up. Even so, Halving the Bones is still a documentary – it just presents facts through fictional evidence, uses devices so blatantly that the viewer can see the device used and its effect, and thoroughly challenges the impression of reality. Halving the Bones is a reflexive documentary.
The general approach to making a documentary is to convey a message by enlightening viewers on a certain affair. In Halving the Bones, the surface affair in need of enlightenment is Ruth Lounsbury’s family’s history, but through the layers of her film, viewers can unveil the core affairs at hand. This is a film about the intertwinement of race and family. The surface layer begins with the tale of Ozeki’s grandmother: a Japanese girl of 18, Matsuye Ozeki, is sent to Hawaii to marry an American man she knows only by a picture. She is legally bound by a contract to wed this man, and cannot return home for any reason. She was a part of a group of girls, known as Picture Brides, who had no full method in determining if the man on the other side of the ocean even somewhat resembled the photograph the brides-to-be were given. Ozeki presents her first challenge to the impression of reality through the use of historical context. How could these girls trust a photograph enough to travel halfway across the world and marry? How could their fathers send them off like mere cattle? Photographs are not always what they seem to be. Reality is not always real. Some men of Hawaii sent false photographs of themselves to Japan, and when the girls discovered their new partner’s deceit, they could do nothing but try to make the best of their depressing situations. In time, Matsuye becomes acquainted with her photograph husband enough for her to “develop cancer of the stomach.” She then determines that a trip to a doctor’s office in Japan is necessary to cure her of her horrendous tumor. After her visit to the doctor’s office a startling revelation is revealed to Matsuye: the cancer she had developed was merely Masako Ozeki Lounsbury. After a few years’ stay in Japan, Matsuye returns to Hawaii, where she raises her first born. Why would Matsuye spend a few years in Japan when she has a life in Hawaii? Is it possible that Matsuye does not approve of her life in the US and played an innocent fool to return to her homeland and loved ones for a brief period of time? Ruth Ozeki presents us with a second challenge to reality: even a physical being might not be what it seems. A cancer of the stomach just might be the phenomenon known as pregnancy. Matsuye’s child, Masako, graduates from high school but afterwards, she “couldn’t find a job like the American girls.” America was in the midst of World War Two at the time, so why could Masako not find a job? Masako Ozeki was a Japanese girl, and Americans in Hawaii did not approve of those of the yellow peril. Japanese people were not worthy of trust, therefore they were not worthy enough to work for Americans. Due to her unsuccessful endeavors in America, Masako returns to Japan to expand on her education. She ventures back and forth between the two countries and ultimately receives a P.h.D. from Yale University. At last, Masako reaps her reward for all of her arduous work. Yet she forgoes her accomplishments to create a family with her husband. Ruth Ozeki Lounsbury is born. Why would anybody forsake years of grueling work? In traditional Japanese culture, the husband provides security to a family while the wife devotes herself to creating an overall atmosphere of peace and tranquility at home. Masako Ozeki is either an authentic traditional Japanese woman, or a woman who does not care for a P.h.D. Ruth Ozeki comes of age in a world that used to belittle anyone or anything that was Japanese. Why would she mention that Americans used to not approve of her and her culture in her narrative? Because of the past American stereotype of hating Japanese, as a child Ruth believed that to be an American she must think of Japanese products as “cheap and unwanted” and conceal her sense of pride. Through this mindset, Ruth Ozeki tears a rift in her family - she becomes disconnected with her mother due to her innate shame of casting off her heritage and the two women lead separate lives. That is, until Ruth Ozeki Lounsbury is confronted with the reality of her grandmother’s bones; a single connection between mother and daughter. Ozeki’s approach to this film is that of a filmmaker creating a reflexive documentary – there is a hidden message in between the lines of narrative, and she uses challenges to reality and her fiction to proclaim that message to all those who wish to examine it.
Ruth Ozeki Lounsbury employs the essence of documentary style, but challenges the foundation of the documentary genre by just manipulating the other modes of documentary’s methods. Throughout the film, there are scenes that are frequently desaturated, tinted, or edited in some sort of manner. The other modes of documentary do not contain images edited for color or tint; they are only being edited for the sake of picture quality or clarification. Premeditated camera shots align this film. In the other modes of documentary, all camera shots are taken as long drawn out processes so that the viewer can observe the action upfront and watch as it unfolds. The only perspective given is that of a single camera’s. Ozeki shoots footage of her mother preparing a turkey from outside her home to give a complete perspective of the activity. She shoots footage of herself arriving at her mother’s home from across the street. Her camera angles are blatantly shown to be premeditated. Ozeki uses excerpts of archival film as evidence to the facts she narrates. In the other modes of documentary, all of the footage is genuine - none of it is taken from anywhere but the filmmaker’s work. She takes her challenge a step further by employing actors to play some of the roles of her family members. There are no actors in any of the other modes of documentary, but they can be present in a reflexive documentary. All of the technicalities Ozeki uses are astonishingly obvious, and so are their effects. They are all in the style of a reflexive documentary. Multiple times in the film, Ozeki states, “I just made this up.” She undermines the foundation of her film – facts. She questions the documentary genre as a whole by making her viewers question her credibility as a narrator. Her narrative voice is split into three: an American voice, an American voice with a Japanese accent, and a Japanese voice. She undermines herself by using these multiple voices. It is unclear as to why there is a different voice narrating different sections of the film. The split voice only brings up more questions: If Ozeki cannot be trusted telling her own family’s story, how can trust between viewers and documentaries be established? Can reality be trusted? Even though Halving the Bones questions its own genre, and shakes its own foundation, factual information is delivered through the use of film, voice, camera angles, editing, and portrayed characters. It is a documentary.
The technique of assembly in this film is surprisingly more relatable to that of the more classic modes of documentary. Ruth conducts interviews with her mother much as any other director constructing a different mode of documentary would. She sets up her equipment, and starts an interview. Ruth leads her mother, Masako, into commenting on certain items that belonged to her mother, Matsuye. The only difference between Ruth’s interview and another mode of documentary’s interview is that Ruth’s interview pertains to her personally, and she takes part in the discussion as herself. She steps away from the camera to play her role. The filmmaker becomes part of the film in a reflexive documentary, whereas in the other modes of documentary, filmmakers generally have no personal connection to the action or dialogue. They are simply there to record happenings of the world. Candid scenes are not found in the alternative modes of documentary. They are found in Halving the Bones, but there is an authenticity in their falsehood. Masako Ozeki is a very well versed woman, but she acts as if she is a mere simple old lady on camera. She becomes excited by the beautiful coloring of the container that holds her mother’s bones and makes a sort of squealing noise in her amusement. Through her fake demeanor; she reveals that she is a reserved woman who does not take well to having her privacy invaded. Ruth’s narration is another element of her film that relates better to that of the contrasting modes of documentary than the other reflexive elements. Even though her voice is split into three, it is still there as a guide through the film. It serves its purpose in Halving the Bones as it would in a different mode of documentary. At its center, a reflexive documentary is a documentary.
The fact that Halving the Bones is an extremely abstract and complicated film affects the narrative. The viewers of such a film as this are much too lost or confused to look through the multiple layers. They are simply trying to piece together the main plot of the film. The messages that Ozeki wants to convey are not presented as profoundly as they could have been, but because of the extreme abstraction, another point is made: it is a formidable task to prepare a family album.
Ruth Ozeki Lounsbury has tried her best to preserve her family’s memories and history. She has attempted to preserve life with the best medium she could think of – film. She has created an elaborate mess of adventures, blended them together, and asked her viewers to unscramble them. She even goes as far as to layer in her feelings about how America has treated Japanese people. She layers in hidden relationships between her and her family members. She exposes her mother for who she is. She serves a double chocolate cake for the mind, and after the brain has processed every single morsel, a greater level of satisfaction is reached. Even if the cake is only chocolate on the surface and in all reality contains a vanilla center – even if the cake is a lie – at its very core of existence, it is still a cake. Even if she has constructed a documentary out of false information and a documentary that challenges reality and its own genre, there is a greater understanding of Ruth Ozeki Lounsbury. This is the point of documentary film, and this is why Halving the Bones is a documentary.

It's Been Such a Long Time

...since I've made a legitimate blog post.

Let's see..

update on life:

Spring break was really awesome. Spent a lot of time with Jacob, and threw a pretty good party. Danced on a table with the best friend. Yep. ♥

I think I really like this guy named Logan, but some other interesting things have happened lately and I'm not 100% sure about that right now.

Other interesting things meaning... my friend Cameron...

I think I'll let you know that story later, dear blog, 'cause I dunno how I feel about it right now.

In other words -- Kick Ass is an awesome movie. The little girl is wtf bat shit crazy and it's kind of totally freakin' awesome.

Now! Back to boys and blahblahblah

I dunno how comfortable I am with putting stuff so personal on the internet anymore.

Mostly because now I really have no idea who reads it, and in which way they take it. I know my now ex-BFF Mark used to read this blog often, and honestly I don't know if he does anymore. He hasn't talked to me in like, 3 months. ~.~ Julia has also read this before, and while I hope to God we're still fairly good friends, sometimes I worry because I'm scared, sad, and still more or less mortified by Mark's abandonment of me. I just don't want to post anything to make either of them think less of me... though I don't know if that would affect how Mark feels about me, anyway.

When this was a blog about FFXI, and FFXI only, well shit, I honestly didn't give a fuck what people thought -- they lived usually over 1,000 miles away and if I never wanted to speak to them again I didn't have to. I didn't have to deal wih their bullshit, their criticism, or their judgmental eyes... passing them in the hall, pretending they are non-existent... urrrghh!
The other thing about a blog about FFXI was it was just a game. I feel like I'm more or less not only posting my story online, but my friends' too. I guess it was the same for FFXI, but who the fuck would care if you were a little bit of a dick in a video game in the real world, really?

At least I think so... kind of.

I dunno. I just don't feel like it's okay for me to post things about other people. Not anymore. I care far too much for Logan, and Cameron, and Kendal, and Tanner, and Julia, and even Allyson and Mark to make our lives here a text based reality TV show. But I also miss writing. I miss ranting. I miss not giving a fuck about so and so's reaction. Because I am me when I write, and God damnit, I am not a bitch when I write. I have a backbone and I am strong, and the itty bitty bit of rage that does live within me can be unleashed.

Argh. I'm just so aggravated. So confused. So grouchy 'cause I got yelled at 'cause I kinda fail at DotA. (lol)

Oh -- in other other words: got my first hickey. I think? And by first I mean set of four.

Think on that, muthafucka.

I'd like to think my personal reaction to finding them this morning was kind of priceless.

OH! and James, sweet gay guy who used to live with Robert, said that I should write for FRL! again.

That kind of made my night. He's such a sweetheart.