Everyday, I try.
I try to help me.
Today, I painted my nails.
They are teal
and they have a crazy sparkle overcoat thing on them
They are for Cpt. America this weekend!
Because I am gonna go out,
I am gonna feel good.
I also got new stuff for my face.
I call it "Hope in a Bag"
Like that Philosophy brand's "Renewed Hope in a Jar"
juuuuuuuust a whole lot less expensive
(though that stuff is really nice.)
I must keep up the encouragement
I must keep up the drive
I am thinking about getting a journal
and at the end of the day, writing what I did that day
just a list,
a handwritten list to recovery, to new-found strength and happiness
there is an innate power in writing things by hand
I even thought about getting myself stickers to make my own homage to preschool in helping myself!
I only get a sticker on that day if I accomplish a few goals or something.
Maybe that's too much, but maybe that's the silly kind of motivation I need?
After a certain amount of stickers I take myself out to eat. By myself, somewhere.
Food motivates me like nothing else ever... it's the best...
I also looked at painting supplies yesterday
It'll cost me like $30 to get some brushes, some paint, and a few canvases
I still have to work so hard
to make me me again
I am so vibrant and full of life and keeping myself locked in my room is just
such a waste?
What a nice thing to type.
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
Friday, April 1, 2016
Today Feels Better
rollercoaster life emotions woo!
I'm going to see my best friend on Sunday.
And go to a corgi birthday party.
And eat tasty things.
And see my other best friends, too.
:)
I'm going to see my best friend on Sunday.
And go to a corgi birthday party.
And eat tasty things.
And see my other best friends, too.
:)
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
UGGGGGH
Well, first of all, Blogger has a new style type thing. I don't really like it, but not because it's bad or less useful, but more because I didn't want Blogger to change. Oh well...
This morning, and recently, I got a swift kick in the ass reminding me of HOW MUCH people suck.
Like, seriously.
I've been meaning to post about this for a long time now, I guess, and I don't think I'm going to feel any better (or refrain from randomly going off on Jacob for no good reason) until I just fucking let loose and BE ANGRY at the people who've made me sad.
Well, not really angry. Just upset. Really, really, really upset.
First of all, I'mma address Ryan. Because this is the part that upsets me the most. I am really, really, really sad because of him. In Safeway the other week, I saw him for the first time in what feels like months. I think it was only one. See, the thing is, I haven't talked to Ryan in forever. Our last actual conversation was probably around his birthday (Feb 9th). And sometime in between then and now, he's gotten really, really angry at me and apparently can't even bring himself to talk to me, at all. Now, I'm not exactly sitting pretty here and saying I've tried, because I haven't. I just, like... am not actively trying to avoid him. I've refrained from speaking to Ryan so he can get over me. I know I hurt him. I know it sucks. I've always felt that the best way to get over someone is to be separate for a while, y'know? Give things time, come back, and be friends again. The first thing that Alec said when we got together was, "You guys better not ruin an awesome friendship." I didn't forget, Alec. I never did. :(
I really want things to be okay between me and Ryan, and on my side, they are. They always have been. This is just so shitty. I wouldn't act awkward around him, nor be mad at him, or anything. I think right now, though, I'd be a little upset, naturally, because of all of this hogwash bullshit...
I AM JUST SO SAD. SO, SO SAD.
None of this annoying losing friends bullshit was ever supposed to happen...
You know who follows me on Tumblr now, dear reader?
Julia. (and y'know, like Cory and Rayne and shit) That's it.
Dylan, Kendal, Tanner, and Ryan have all stopped.
Mark (never followed me in the first place...)
Dylan and Kendal got annoyed with me defending myself against Casey. Whatever. I mean, if they don't want to see me attempt to stand up for myself because it's long text, I guess I can understand. Besides, I probably won't ever see Dylan again. I'm totally okay with him moving on and stuff. No problem... Kendal is Kendal, and I feel like her not following me doing nothing to our friendship. The internet is just the internet, if I feel I need to actually communicate with her, or show her something, I just will. Whatevs.
Tanner probably hates me. Probably for good reason. lol
Mark is an asshole. Plain and simple. He is only selectively my friend. That's bullshit. I love him when he's my friend, but he is so mean to me all the time, and that's not how you treat your friends, bad day/mood or not. Dunno why I remain so hung up on him -- OH WAIT it's the fact that Mark has the potential to be one of the coolest people I've ever known, if he gets off of his pretentious ass high horse! RIGHT! Depressing.
Ryan has stopped following me twice. The first time was right after we broke up. Sure, s'cool, I understand. The second time... ??? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?! I have no idea. When did I turn into this manipulative bitch, or otherwise such a negative person that he had to stop following me? I don't understand... o.O I mean, I should just talk to him, but Goddamn, at this point, I feel like I'll be talking to a wall, or get hung up on. He wouldn't even LOOK at me at Safeway. I tried to say hi, I was nice. I wasn't awkward. I wasn't all up on Jacob in his face. I EXPLICITLY tried NOT to post things about having a boyfriend on Tumblr so he wouldn't feel bad. I EXPLICITLY did not put Jacob as my boyfriend on Facebook for a long time SO RYAN COULD FEEL BETTER. UGH. I just don't understand. I am so angry and frustrated and I've been really depressed because I feel like friendships that shouldn't be crumbling are doing so. It's stupid. Pointless.
Casey has stopped following me, too, but her presence on Tumblr is very limited. She might've just felt that I was stupid one day and decided to unfollow me. Meh. I feel that Casey's opinion of me has a great ability to fluctuate, and if Ryan is upset with me, and spoke to Casey of it, I feel that her opinion of me would probably be lessened after said conversation. Whatevs, though. Casey and I are tight when she wants us to be. I've told her many a time that I'll support her if she supports me.
SO I pointed out Julia following me on Tumblr because Julia and I have had a rocky history ever since Halloween sophomore year. I don't really want to discuss that, but I do want to say that Julia has always treated me personally with respect, even after she felt that I wronged her. I will always appreciate that from her. I really, really, genuinely enjoy our one-on-one conversations, and hope that somehow we can really become friends again. I feel like I miss her, a lot, which is pretty weird, because somedays I can kind of care less about her.... maybe I shouldn't say that after saying nice things and shit, but... I'm being honest here, y'know? I just like, am really sad all of these stupid, insignificant things get in our way of talking about films or book or boys or anything awesome... Julia and I connect so well on an intellectual level, and I just love talking to her about anything... I miss lunch! I still think of Julia when I put sprouts on a sandwich... they are better than lettuce... unless they're all gross because they've been left out forever... stupid d-hall.
Hrrrrm. I think that's enough about me being angry. I'm really sorry if that was hard to read. I'm going for super stream of consciousness here, as I type, I'm spelling most things wrong, and I only really stop typing to auto-correct my spelling errors.
EITHER WAY: the good.
1. Kristina
I've developed a very odd but nice friendship with Kristina. I like it a lot, and I hope one day we can just like, hang out, and I can not be awkward. I'm always awkward. Damnit!
2. Tumblr Teacher, Eli
SO I was really sneaky a few Fridays back and went out for a walk outside. (C'mon people, do I ever go outside willingly?! XDD) Anyway, I met this person I'd been talking to on Tumblr, Eli. He's the Tumblr Teacher! Such a cutie! See, the thing is, meeting people from the internet is sketchy in its own. Sure, midday, sunny, and at the Squiggle isn't exactly the place for some person to abduct someone or something, but it's really hard to convince other people that meeting people from the internet doesn't always lead to death... so I lied to Rayne about just going outside. I'm sorry Rayne, I also just kinda didn't want to explain at the time. I also have not told anyone about this... because I do think he's cute, and oh my gosh, if he lived in Santa Cruz, the amount of up ons I would try to be... heh. Prolly shouldn't say that, either, because Jacob will more than likely read this, but whatever. Honesty is the theme of this post. Besides... I'll prolly just tell him I made a long blog post anyway. I can't keep my mouth shut about anything! XD But, but, but Jacobi, if you are reading this madness, I want to tell you, though I am attracted to this other person, I am in no way pursuing it. Right now, I am with you (and very happy!), and I am not going to change that. I am sorry my heart is so fleeting, but currently, I am controlling it. For you. :)
Hrm, um, anyway. I really like this person, and am totally chill with just being friends with him. Don't have to date every cute guy I meet..!
Hrm so um, I feel like I'm out of things to talk about now. I guess. I also feel like I have to go read some Descartes for Senior Seminar. We had class outside yesterday. LitBro is best bro! <3 <3 <3
Blah blah blah, guess I don't mind the new Blogger too much, I can still sit here and type like a madwoman.
-- End Blog Post --
This morning, and recently, I got a swift kick in the ass reminding me of HOW MUCH people suck.
Like, seriously.
I've been meaning to post about this for a long time now, I guess, and I don't think I'm going to feel any better (or refrain from randomly going off on Jacob for no good reason) until I just fucking let loose and BE ANGRY at the people who've made me sad.
Well, not really angry. Just upset. Really, really, really upset.
First of all, I'mma address Ryan. Because this is the part that upsets me the most. I am really, really, really sad because of him. In Safeway the other week, I saw him for the first time in what feels like months. I think it was only one. See, the thing is, I haven't talked to Ryan in forever. Our last actual conversation was probably around his birthday (Feb 9th). And sometime in between then and now, he's gotten really, really angry at me and apparently can't even bring himself to talk to me, at all. Now, I'm not exactly sitting pretty here and saying I've tried, because I haven't. I just, like... am not actively trying to avoid him. I've refrained from speaking to Ryan so he can get over me. I know I hurt him. I know it sucks. I've always felt that the best way to get over someone is to be separate for a while, y'know? Give things time, come back, and be friends again. The first thing that Alec said when we got together was, "You guys better not ruin an awesome friendship." I didn't forget, Alec. I never did. :(
I really want things to be okay between me and Ryan, and on my side, they are. They always have been. This is just so shitty. I wouldn't act awkward around him, nor be mad at him, or anything. I think right now, though, I'd be a little upset, naturally, because of all of this hogwash bullshit...
I AM JUST SO SAD. SO, SO SAD.
None of this annoying losing friends bullshit was ever supposed to happen...
You know who follows me on Tumblr now, dear reader?
Julia. (and y'know, like Cory and Rayne and shit) That's it.
Dylan, Kendal, Tanner, and Ryan have all stopped.
Mark (never followed me in the first place...)
Dylan and Kendal got annoyed with me defending myself against Casey. Whatever. I mean, if they don't want to see me attempt to stand up for myself because it's long text, I guess I can understand. Besides, I probably won't ever see Dylan again. I'm totally okay with him moving on and stuff. No problem... Kendal is Kendal, and I feel like her not following me doing nothing to our friendship. The internet is just the internet, if I feel I need to actually communicate with her, or show her something, I just will. Whatevs.
Tanner probably hates me. Probably for good reason. lol
Mark is an asshole. Plain and simple. He is only selectively my friend. That's bullshit. I love him when he's my friend, but he is so mean to me all the time, and that's not how you treat your friends, bad day/mood or not. Dunno why I remain so hung up on him -- OH WAIT it's the fact that Mark has the potential to be one of the coolest people I've ever known, if he gets off of his pretentious ass high horse! RIGHT! Depressing.
Ryan has stopped following me twice. The first time was right after we broke up. Sure, s'cool, I understand. The second time... ??? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?! I have no idea. When did I turn into this manipulative bitch, or otherwise such a negative person that he had to stop following me? I don't understand... o.O I mean, I should just talk to him, but Goddamn, at this point, I feel like I'll be talking to a wall, or get hung up on. He wouldn't even LOOK at me at Safeway. I tried to say hi, I was nice. I wasn't awkward. I wasn't all up on Jacob in his face. I EXPLICITLY tried NOT to post things about having a boyfriend on Tumblr so he wouldn't feel bad. I EXPLICITLY did not put Jacob as my boyfriend on Facebook for a long time SO RYAN COULD FEEL BETTER. UGH. I just don't understand. I am so angry and frustrated and I've been really depressed because I feel like friendships that shouldn't be crumbling are doing so. It's stupid. Pointless.
Casey has stopped following me, too, but her presence on Tumblr is very limited. She might've just felt that I was stupid one day and decided to unfollow me. Meh. I feel that Casey's opinion of me has a great ability to fluctuate, and if Ryan is upset with me, and spoke to Casey of it, I feel that her opinion of me would probably be lessened after said conversation. Whatevs, though. Casey and I are tight when she wants us to be. I've told her many a time that I'll support her if she supports me.
SO I pointed out Julia following me on Tumblr because Julia and I have had a rocky history ever since Halloween sophomore year. I don't really want to discuss that, but I do want to say that Julia has always treated me personally with respect, even after she felt that I wronged her. I will always appreciate that from her. I really, really, genuinely enjoy our one-on-one conversations, and hope that somehow we can really become friends again. I feel like I miss her, a lot, which is pretty weird, because somedays I can kind of care less about her.... maybe I shouldn't say that after saying nice things and shit, but... I'm being honest here, y'know? I just like, am really sad all of these stupid, insignificant things get in our way of talking about films or book or boys or anything awesome... Julia and I connect so well on an intellectual level, and I just love talking to her about anything... I miss lunch! I still think of Julia when I put sprouts on a sandwich... they are better than lettuce... unless they're all gross because they've been left out forever... stupid d-hall.
Hrrrrm. I think that's enough about me being angry. I'm really sorry if that was hard to read. I'm going for super stream of consciousness here, as I type, I'm spelling most things wrong, and I only really stop typing to auto-correct my spelling errors.
EITHER WAY: the good.
1. Kristina
I've developed a very odd but nice friendship with Kristina. I like it a lot, and I hope one day we can just like, hang out, and I can not be awkward. I'm always awkward. Damnit!
2. Tumblr Teacher, Eli
SO I was really sneaky a few Fridays back and went out for a walk outside. (C'mon people, do I ever go outside willingly?! XDD) Anyway, I met this person I'd been talking to on Tumblr, Eli. He's the Tumblr Teacher! Such a cutie! See, the thing is, meeting people from the internet is sketchy in its own. Sure, midday, sunny, and at the Squiggle isn't exactly the place for some person to abduct someone or something, but it's really hard to convince other people that meeting people from the internet doesn't always lead to death... so I lied to Rayne about just going outside. I'm sorry Rayne, I also just kinda didn't want to explain at the time. I also have not told anyone about this... because I do think he's cute, and oh my gosh, if he lived in Santa Cruz, the amount of up ons I would try to be... heh. Prolly shouldn't say that, either, because Jacob will more than likely read this, but whatever. Honesty is the theme of this post. Besides... I'll prolly just tell him I made a long blog post anyway. I can't keep my mouth shut about anything! XD But, but, but Jacobi, if you are reading this madness, I want to tell you, though I am attracted to this other person, I am in no way pursuing it. Right now, I am with you (and very happy!), and I am not going to change that. I am sorry my heart is so fleeting, but currently, I am controlling it. For you. :)
Hrm, um, anyway. I really like this person, and am totally chill with just being friends with him. Don't have to date every cute guy I meet..!
Hrm so um, I feel like I'm out of things to talk about now. I guess. I also feel like I have to go read some Descartes for Senior Seminar. We had class outside yesterday. LitBro is best bro! <3 <3 <3
Blah blah blah, guess I don't mind the new Blogger too much, I can still sit here and type like a madwoman.
-- End Blog Post --
Saturday, February 11, 2012
So Apparently I REALLY Needed to Write More!
Man oh man, last night was a freaking disaster. Hahhahaha.
My brain still hurts from how bad it was. Ho-lee shit, dude.
There wasn't even time for anyone to awkwardly hit on anyone there were so many crying women and people and everything ever hoooomaaaaaaaan
Anyway, so, um, title ^
Apparently I needed to explain what the fuck and how I feel about things
I want to say something, though, before we get into this:
Also: I'm not mad at anyone. Last night was just such a damn fail for all kinds of stupid reasons.
ALSO ALSO: Kendal, thank you for taking care of Ryan on Friday. He ultra-appreciated it, and I do too. <3
My brain still hurts from how bad it was. Ho-lee shit, dude.
There wasn't even time for anyone to awkwardly hit on anyone there were so many crying women and people and everything ever hoooomaaaaaaaan
Anyway, so, um, title ^
Apparently I needed to explain what the fuck and how I feel about things
I want to say something, though, before we get into this:
- I never wanted to explain any of this. I might still not. Everything between me, Ryan, and Jacob is our own business, isn't it? Why should everyone know everything ever about what's going on? Why can't people just see that he, I, and Jacob are okay, and then mind their own damn problems?
- Your opinion doesn't matter. I don't give a flying fuck about how you feel about the situation. I'll ask you if I want to hear your opinion. If not, keep it to yourself. A huge factor in everyone having a bad night last night was people putting things into Ryan's head. Jacob, Ryan, and I all went into last night looking to have a good time. It didn't happen, and it's not on us, guys. If everyone had not had something to say on the matter, Ryan would have been fine, and then he wouldn't have said things to make me upset.
- If you don't understand the context of the situation or the people involved, it's really hard for you to make an opinion I'll actually consider listening to.
- I am not dragging Ryan nor Jacob through the dirt. Ryan and I are over. He's having a hard time dealing with his emotions right now. That doesn't mean I'm dragging him through the dirt. In fact -- I am doing the opposite by telling him he can still rely on me for emotional support. 'Cause, y'know, friends fucking do that shit for each other, right? It's also not my fault that he hasn't attempted to talk to me as much as he wants to. He can learn to ask for help, because I'm not going to sit here and baby him anymore. I know he's hurt, but it's time for him to man up and either ask for help or solve his own problems. Nobody is gonna do it for him. The hardest of times are the best to be a fucking bad ass.
- Jacob and I are dating. I've already let him know that if I want to date somebody else, I will. He believes it. It scares the shit out of him, and that kinda sucks. But the fact of the matter is: I really want some freedom right now. He knows that and respects it. It's fine. There's absolutely no reason why we can't enjoy each other right now, though, because I'm not interested in anybody else right now, and what people fail to understand about me and Jacob is that we've always had this bonkers-crazy close relationship. We're just like, being more romantic about our emotions, y'know? So what if I like him. I do. It's okay, and if you think not, please see #2 again.
- You don't know Jacob. Stop having opinions of him until you actually know him. It's like talking about an interpretation of a book without actually reading it. You look like a Goddamn asshole. He's been here for a quarter and a half and most of ya'll have only seen him a few times and read his blog. There's a lot more to him than ya'll think. So quit, it, please?
- Nothing is simple. There is no simple solution to anything. We all must work through making everything better, together. Divisions will only make us weak.
- Fucking talk to me if you have an issue or want something cleared up. Don't sit there and ponder over thoughts you're unsure of. It's just a bad idea.
Also: I'm not mad at anyone. Last night was just such a damn fail for all kinds of stupid reasons.
ALSO ALSO: Kendal, thank you for taking care of Ryan on Friday. He ultra-appreciated it, and I do too. <3
Friday, February 3, 2012
The Need to Write!
SOOOOOOO today in 102!
I was thinking, since we were just going over Benjamin again,
Man, I really want to write about Vanquish. Hahahaha.
Then I laughed at how nostalgic, nerdy, and fantastic I am.
Then I laughed at Alex being passed out because he stayed up until 6 AM finishing our paper for the class.
What a goof!
Anyway, so like, I was all supppppper down to start writing again.
Then I realized: shit, bro, I don't have any time for this shit!
Eh. Not really. I think I'm more just scared that my writing will end up as bad like, FFXI fanfiction. I don't wanna do that.
I do not have a lot of time, though. I mean, that's sort of true.
Then again, I have the time right now to be writing this...
Let's stop talking about me and time, 'aight?
Hrm... so now yeah okay~!
Writing. I want to write about Vanquish as a set of short stories that kinda are a memoir. They'd be Memoirs of a White Mage. Hhahahahaa.
I don't know why I laugh at writing about FFXI and the people I met there so much... maybe it's because society finds internet relationships to be petty jokes and not real in any sense -- and the connotations that go along with playing a MMO are just freakin' crazy... as in crazy negative...
Maybe I'm still afraid to step out of my comfort zone.
Funny, I know that once I do, I can produce something amazing.
But maybe I'm just not ready for that yet. Maybe I'm not ready because I don't feel that I have the adequate brain time to use on writing. Shit, man, I'd prolly only be able to write like a few pages a day, if that. Y'know, providing I was in the right mood to be writing at all. Homan--
Either way, there's been a lot on my mind recently. I've been spending a lot of time with Jacob, and it's made me really relaxed, peaceful, and happy. Though I feel as if I am being selfish, because my communication with Ryan has dropped substantially this week. I hope he doesn't think that I all of a sudden think ill of him -- as his crazy brain might do -- I just am like, happy as I am right now and am too selfish to want to change any of that at the moment.
Then again, why should I ever change my plans if they involve me being less happy? :/ Right?
Man. Everything is so crazy right now. Well, everything forever is crazy. That's just kinda how life is....
Tonight the Stellar Corpses are playing at the Catalyst. I don't think I'm going. I just like, won't feel right there. I'm not a psychobilly type of girl, y'know? I don't even know how to type the word correctly. I think the culture is cool, and I really appreciate it, but I'm not the type of person who can participate in a mosh pit -- even if it's the nicest most pit that ever existed! I can't deal with physical discomfort very well. It really affects my thinking and thought processes... no bueno, dude.
Also tonight: Silly Creature is playing at Kresge Town Hall aka 2 feet away from my apt. I haven't seen r00b, Nate, or Keyhan for a long time, and I'd really like to show those guys that I still enjoy Silly Creature, and that I support them! Besides, I'm also contemplating wearing my fish net shirt to the show to mess with Rubino. Hahahaha.
Oi, everything ever. Again. Everything ever in my head. Did you know I can write for days, dear blogger? I think you do, but sometimes, when my archive looks thin, I think you question my ability to write. I do too, though, so, maybe all of this thinking is kinda pointless. Maybe I should write a book all in stream-of-consciousness. That'd be really cool. It'd also prolly contain a lot of typos. Can I use spellcheck if I'm typing in stream-of-consciousness? Hahahaha. I think what I'm writing now is kinda stream-of-consciousness, and I used spellcheck to spell consciousness correctly... so... I guess it counts. Meh. Dunno. Too philosophical for me at the moment!
Erg so like later, I really want to write a super-awesome and long blog post about that teacher that I tried to get to know on Tumblr. I have no idea why he didn't respond to me. He prolly either thinks that I'm some goob ass undergrad without a brain OR doesn't actually have the time for a social life. I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt, because he is a teacher, and a very devoted teacher, so I think it is plausible that he could've had something more important to do than to chat with some random person on Tumblr. I just wish that he would've talked to me... I think he's so cool and smart and awesome and just like! Ugh. I would like to talk to someone who's just ahead of me in life so baaaaaaaaaad. I mean, the fact that he's adorable as shit doesn't bother me at all, either, but still. I'm not looking for a relationship right now. There's kinda one smacking me in the face currently. Oi. To be fair, I don't know if smacking is the right word to use. It implies that I'm not happy, or am like, forced into my current relationship situation. And I'm not. I do what I want. Like forever. Forever forever. Did you know that I freaking love language? Gosh, it's like the most interesting thing eveeer! But, then again, I prolly love the study of literature more. I dunno. I wonder what Tanner got on his paper. I'm really curious. Because I'm a bad person. Oh well.
Saturday night kinda sucked. It's a good thing this weekend has arrived now, though, because I think it's about to be a good one!
Also: heard Steve was more... of not my type of person. Interesting. Still willing to investigate, but like, significantly less interested in anything with him. I guess that's what the investigating is for, right? Hah!
Man. I keep talking about all of these things and people floating around and around and around in my head, but I never seem to talk about the things that are really, really important to me. Oh well. I don't know if I'm okay with my heart and soul on the internet -- just my brain works a lot better for me.
But wait. Is my brain my heart and soul? OH SHIT PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION TIMEEEEE
Oi, man, everything ever. Everything ever. Abbey is coming over on the 25th. I'm really excited to see her and how she's grown over the past few years. I think she's an incredible young lady, and never, ever gives herself enough credit for how far she's come. I guess that's where I come in, eh? :D
We're gonna watch Velvet Goldmine. It has Ewan McGregor naked in it. Hahahaha. 'Cause, y'know, I totally watch movies for a single aesthetic moment. Whatever. lol I really hope I can get Kim to come over, too, because Goddamn I miss her. She's the freaking best.
UGGGGGGH. Could write forever. Forever and ever.
Whatevs.
I think I'm done for now. My brain isn't functioning as I'd like it to be to continue.
Don't ask me why -- 'cause I don't wanna think about it.
But then again, blogger, you don't ask me questions... you just sit here and allow me to fill you with my thoughts. So non-judgmental. I love it.
Meh. Ta-ta for now, motherfucker!
I was thinking, since we were just going over Benjamin again,
Man, I really want to write about Vanquish. Hahahaha.
Then I laughed at how nostalgic, nerdy, and fantastic I am.
Then I laughed at Alex being passed out because he stayed up until 6 AM finishing our paper for the class.
What a goof!
Anyway, so like, I was all supppppper down to start writing again.
Then I realized: shit, bro, I don't have any time for this shit!
Eh. Not really. I think I'm more just scared that my writing will end up as bad like, FFXI fanfiction. I don't wanna do that.
I do not have a lot of time, though. I mean, that's sort of true.
Then again, I have the time right now to be writing this...
Let's stop talking about me and time, 'aight?
Hrm... so now yeah okay~!
Writing. I want to write about Vanquish as a set of short stories that kinda are a memoir. They'd be Memoirs of a White Mage. Hhahahahaa.
I don't know why I laugh at writing about FFXI and the people I met there so much... maybe it's because society finds internet relationships to be petty jokes and not real in any sense -- and the connotations that go along with playing a MMO are just freakin' crazy... as in crazy negative...
Maybe I'm still afraid to step out of my comfort zone.
Funny, I know that once I do, I can produce something amazing.
But maybe I'm just not ready for that yet. Maybe I'm not ready because I don't feel that I have the adequate brain time to use on writing. Shit, man, I'd prolly only be able to write like a few pages a day, if that. Y'know, providing I was in the right mood to be writing at all. Homan--
Either way, there's been a lot on my mind recently. I've been spending a lot of time with Jacob, and it's made me really relaxed, peaceful, and happy. Though I feel as if I am being selfish, because my communication with Ryan has dropped substantially this week. I hope he doesn't think that I all of a sudden think ill of him -- as his crazy brain might do -- I just am like, happy as I am right now and am too selfish to want to change any of that at the moment.
Then again, why should I ever change my plans if they involve me being less happy? :/ Right?
Man. Everything is so crazy right now. Well, everything forever is crazy. That's just kinda how life is....
Tonight the Stellar Corpses are playing at the Catalyst. I don't think I'm going. I just like, won't feel right there. I'm not a psychobilly type of girl, y'know? I don't even know how to type the word correctly. I think the culture is cool, and I really appreciate it, but I'm not the type of person who can participate in a mosh pit -- even if it's the nicest most pit that ever existed! I can't deal with physical discomfort very well. It really affects my thinking and thought processes... no bueno, dude.
Also tonight: Silly Creature is playing at Kresge Town Hall aka 2 feet away from my apt. I haven't seen r00b, Nate, or Keyhan for a long time, and I'd really like to show those guys that I still enjoy Silly Creature, and that I support them! Besides, I'm also contemplating wearing my fish net shirt to the show to mess with Rubino. Hahahaha.
Oi, everything ever. Again. Everything ever in my head. Did you know I can write for days, dear blogger? I think you do, but sometimes, when my archive looks thin, I think you question my ability to write. I do too, though, so, maybe all of this thinking is kinda pointless. Maybe I should write a book all in stream-of-consciousness. That'd be really cool. It'd also prolly contain a lot of typos. Can I use spellcheck if I'm typing in stream-of-consciousness? Hahahaha. I think what I'm writing now is kinda stream-of-consciousness, and I used spellcheck to spell consciousness correctly... so... I guess it counts. Meh. Dunno. Too philosophical for me at the moment!
Erg so like later, I really want to write a super-awesome and long blog post about that teacher that I tried to get to know on Tumblr. I have no idea why he didn't respond to me. He prolly either thinks that I'm some goob ass undergrad without a brain OR doesn't actually have the time for a social life. I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt, because he is a teacher, and a very devoted teacher, so I think it is plausible that he could've had something more important to do than to chat with some random person on Tumblr. I just wish that he would've talked to me... I think he's so cool and smart and awesome and just like! Ugh. I would like to talk to someone who's just ahead of me in life so baaaaaaaaaad. I mean, the fact that he's adorable as shit doesn't bother me at all, either, but still. I'm not looking for a relationship right now. There's kinda one smacking me in the face currently. Oi. To be fair, I don't know if smacking is the right word to use. It implies that I'm not happy, or am like, forced into my current relationship situation. And I'm not. I do what I want. Like forever. Forever forever. Did you know that I freaking love language? Gosh, it's like the most interesting thing eveeer! But, then again, I prolly love the study of literature more. I dunno. I wonder what Tanner got on his paper. I'm really curious. Because I'm a bad person. Oh well.
Saturday night kinda sucked. It's a good thing this weekend has arrived now, though, because I think it's about to be a good one!
Also: heard Steve was more... of not my type of person. Interesting. Still willing to investigate, but like, significantly less interested in anything with him. I guess that's what the investigating is for, right? Hah!
Man. I keep talking about all of these things and people floating around and around and around in my head, but I never seem to talk about the things that are really, really important to me. Oh well. I don't know if I'm okay with my heart and soul on the internet -- just my brain works a lot better for me.
But wait. Is my brain my heart and soul? OH SHIT PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION TIMEEEEE
Oi, man, everything ever. Everything ever. Abbey is coming over on the 25th. I'm really excited to see her and how she's grown over the past few years. I think she's an incredible young lady, and never, ever gives herself enough credit for how far she's come. I guess that's where I come in, eh? :D
We're gonna watch Velvet Goldmine. It has Ewan McGregor naked in it. Hahahaha. 'Cause, y'know, I totally watch movies for a single aesthetic moment. Whatever. lol I really hope I can get Kim to come over, too, because Goddamn I miss her. She's the freaking best.
UGGGGGGH. Could write forever. Forever and ever.
Whatevs.
I think I'm done for now. My brain isn't functioning as I'd like it to be to continue.
Don't ask me why -- 'cause I don't wanna think about it.
But then again, blogger, you don't ask me questions... you just sit here and allow me to fill you with my thoughts. So non-judgmental. I love it.
Meh. Ta-ta for now, motherfucker!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Everything is Going to Be Okay.
We will be strong, and we will carry on.
Life is not too much for us to handle.
There is time to think.
There is time to reflect.
There is time to make a change.
Do not be afraid. It is possible.
Life is not too much for us to handle.
There is time to think.
There is time to reflect.
There is time to make a change.
Do not be afraid. It is possible.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
So, It's Been a While.
I've more or less dropped out of the blogging scene as of late, and there's only one reason I can give for my absence: I'm happy.
Yes, this is probably going to end up being a sappy post about how much I love Ryan.
If you're not down with that, you might as well stop following my blog now, because there's gonna be a lot about Ryan in the next... however long we're together or so. All I gotta say is, in life, food, school, and my boyfriend are pretty much the most important things to me. My family too, y'know, but I'm not as close to my family as most of the other people I know. Shit I forgot to mention my friends -- man I'm a bad person sometimes, but hell, half the time I consider ya'll family anyway... meh... gonna stop talking about crap that doesn't need to be said...
Well, anyway... I just wanted to stop in a post a little something. See, I've got this issue where I need to blog at least once a month, because I want my archive to make sense. When I first started blogging, there were a few months were there were no posts for that month, and now I am upset with that because I like my archive to look pretty. Blogging and how my blog looks is srs buisness.
I sort of feel some reflection upon my life might be good, anyway. I guess I just got tired of it, or because I'm not lonely anymore, I didn't feel the need to talk to the world about the normal nonsense of my life. Actually, being with Ryan makes me want to keep it more private, because he's more private. Also, keeping it more private than I usually am about relationships makes me treasure the little things we do together so much more... and man, let me tell you, we are fucking cute, and we are a couple that is gonna last for quite some time.
Gonna put a random sidenote in here: if anyone thought that I was a rebound for Ryan, you are dead fucking wrong. Yes, we did get together right after Brytnny -- that doesn't mean he's using me, and that doesn't mean a fantastic relationship can't bloom out of an utter failure of one.
Hrm. I also wanna say that I really hope nobody has doubted my ability to be in a relationship. My relationship with Tanner was a disaster, and mine don't usually go like that. Furthermore, until the end of last year, my time with random boys was also quite horrid. Shit, Ryan figured out he cared about me the way he does now because I was so damned upset all the time because of other... boys. Stupid boys. Hah.
It's still a little awkward running into them. I hope they're doing well, though, and no hard feelings. For realsies.
I also wanna talk about Jocab Victario a little bit. He's been really, really good, and a lot less clingy than I thought he was gonna be. He's in the transfer building, making friends, doing his own thing. I'm really happy for him, but his recent happiness makes me worry that he's gonna ditch me for better people. And if he does, well, I kinda deserve it, but whatever. I'm just really glad his life doesn't suck anymore, and that UCSC worked a little magic in his favor.
I did a lot of thinking over the summer about friends. I'm just gonna leave that at that. Not really negative thinking, as that statement implies, but I am a little upset about one little incident over the summer that in all reality, did not concern me in the least.
Meh, I'ma talk about what made me upset over the summer...
Cory's birthday.
How could you guys ditch her? Like, seriously? I understand that Bouset had to go home, but you guys didn't want to come back to celebrate ever for a little with Cory? You didn't even have birthday cake... I'm sorry, guys, but ditching Cory on her birthday after she moved the date of her party so you guys could come down was kinda on the fucked up end. Well, it's mostly fucked up because the same night ya'll went to someone else's house and had a party.
Not to mention Tanner & Brytnny. WHOA. That was interesting.
Ah hell man, I guess this reflection stuff is pretty sweet. I guess. I kinda need to do more reading for Shakespeare, though. Stupid damned Lit classes with all their readings! HAH
I really hope nobody has taken offense to anything I've posted tonight. I'm not calling anyone a bad person/friend or anything, just stating some opinions.
And, uh, before I go, I want to note that this actually didn't turn into a OMG I LOVE RYAN SO MUCH post. Though I totally love him so much :)
Yes, this is probably going to end up being a sappy post about how much I love Ryan.
If you're not down with that, you might as well stop following my blog now, because there's gonna be a lot about Ryan in the next... however long we're together or so. All I gotta say is, in life, food, school, and my boyfriend are pretty much the most important things to me. My family too, y'know, but I'm not as close to my family as most of the other people I know. Shit I forgot to mention my friends -- man I'm a bad person sometimes, but hell, half the time I consider ya'll family anyway... meh... gonna stop talking about crap that doesn't need to be said...
Well, anyway... I just wanted to stop in a post a little something. See, I've got this issue where I need to blog at least once a month, because I want my archive to make sense. When I first started blogging, there were a few months were there were no posts for that month, and now I am upset with that because I like my archive to look pretty. Blogging and how my blog looks is srs buisness.
I sort of feel some reflection upon my life might be good, anyway. I guess I just got tired of it, or because I'm not lonely anymore, I didn't feel the need to talk to the world about the normal nonsense of my life. Actually, being with Ryan makes me want to keep it more private, because he's more private. Also, keeping it more private than I usually am about relationships makes me treasure the little things we do together so much more... and man, let me tell you, we are fucking cute, and we are a couple that is gonna last for quite some time.
Gonna put a random sidenote in here: if anyone thought that I was a rebound for Ryan, you are dead fucking wrong. Yes, we did get together right after Brytnny -- that doesn't mean he's using me, and that doesn't mean a fantastic relationship can't bloom out of an utter failure of one.
Hrm. I also wanna say that I really hope nobody has doubted my ability to be in a relationship. My relationship with Tanner was a disaster, and mine don't usually go like that. Furthermore, until the end of last year, my time with random boys was also quite horrid. Shit, Ryan figured out he cared about me the way he does now because I was so damned upset all the time because of other... boys. Stupid boys. Hah.
It's still a little awkward running into them. I hope they're doing well, though, and no hard feelings. For realsies.
I also wanna talk about Jocab Victario a little bit. He's been really, really good, and a lot less clingy than I thought he was gonna be. He's in the transfer building, making friends, doing his own thing. I'm really happy for him, but his recent happiness makes me worry that he's gonna ditch me for better people. And if he does, well, I kinda deserve it, but whatever. I'm just really glad his life doesn't suck anymore, and that UCSC worked a little magic in his favor.
I did a lot of thinking over the summer about friends. I'm just gonna leave that at that. Not really negative thinking, as that statement implies, but I am a little upset about one little incident over the summer that in all reality, did not concern me in the least.
Meh, I'ma talk about what made me upset over the summer...
Cory's birthday.
How could you guys ditch her? Like, seriously? I understand that Bouset had to go home, but you guys didn't want to come back to celebrate ever for a little with Cory? You didn't even have birthday cake... I'm sorry, guys, but ditching Cory on her birthday after she moved the date of her party so you guys could come down was kinda on the fucked up end. Well, it's mostly fucked up because the same night ya'll went to someone else's house and had a party.
Not to mention Tanner & Brytnny. WHOA. That was interesting.
Ah hell man, I guess this reflection stuff is pretty sweet. I guess. I kinda need to do more reading for Shakespeare, though. Stupid damned Lit classes with all their readings! HAH
I really hope nobody has taken offense to anything I've posted tonight. I'm not calling anyone a bad person/friend or anything, just stating some opinions.
And, uh, before I go, I want to note that this actually didn't turn into a OMG I LOVE RYAN SO MUCH post. Though I totally love him so much :)
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Post 700
↑ Just so you know.
All I can really think to say right now is I am incredibly happy.
It has been a very long two years.
But this... this is so worth it.
The face... the smile... the goofy grin... so many things. So many things are right in the world right now.
It's one of those feelings that is sappy and cliche and silly, but y'know, man. Just so happy.
How can a person express how happy they are in mere words? I don't fuckin' know. I just try.
Try and try and try and try. That's all I can do. That's all I ever do.
And every once in a while, all that damn persistent hard ass work pays off.
God, I'm just so happy. So happy. I could cry. I really could, but I'm not going to. My brother will prolly make fun of me. Hah.
So I've not really been blogging a whole lot recently. Don't exactly know why. It's not Tumblr. Tumblr is a time kill. A silly, silly, silly time kill that happens to have lots of cute animals on it.
(Love cute animals!)
GOSH BUT I DON'T EVEN CARE 'CAUSE I'M SO DAMN HAPPY.
It's just like,
that feeling,
you get,
when you look into someone's eyes,
and you cannot help but smile,
can't think, can't do anything else,
because they've made such a wonderful impact on your life,
and silly words cannot express how... just simply how grateful you are that you got the chance to meet them,
and y'know, be in their life, too.
Man. Just so happy. So happy. SO HAPPY.
I miss him. But it'll be okay. It'll be good.
I'm so happy. So happy.
This is all for you. You are the cocaine in my veins, and the acid beneath my wings. :D
BWAHAHAHAHAAHAH
Good night word, I'll see ya in like 12 hours when I wake up.
Gotta see Cindy tomorrow, I think!
Oh and Churchy people, too! Yahoo!
All I can really think to say right now is I am incredibly happy.
It has been a very long two years.
But this... this is so worth it.
The face... the smile... the goofy grin... so many things. So many things are right in the world right now.
It's one of those feelings that is sappy and cliche and silly, but y'know, man. Just so happy.
How can a person express how happy they are in mere words? I don't fuckin' know. I just try.
Try and try and try and try. That's all I can do. That's all I ever do.
And every once in a while, all that damn persistent hard ass work pays off.
God, I'm just so happy. So happy. I could cry. I really could, but I'm not going to. My brother will prolly make fun of me. Hah.
So I've not really been blogging a whole lot recently. Don't exactly know why. It's not Tumblr. Tumblr is a time kill. A silly, silly, silly time kill that happens to have lots of cute animals on it.
(Love cute animals!)
GOSH BUT I DON'T EVEN CARE 'CAUSE I'M SO DAMN HAPPY.
It's just like,
that feeling,
you get,
when you look into someone's eyes,
and you cannot help but smile,
can't think, can't do anything else,
because they've made such a wonderful impact on your life,
and silly words cannot express how... just simply how grateful you are that you got the chance to meet them,
and y'know, be in their life, too.
Man. Just so happy. So happy. SO HAPPY.
I miss him. But it'll be okay. It'll be good.
I'm so happy. So happy.
This is all for you. You are the cocaine in my veins, and the acid beneath my wings. :D
BWAHAHAHAHAAHAH
Good night word, I'll see ya in like 12 hours when I wake up.
Gotta see Cindy tomorrow, I think!
Oh and Churchy people, too! Yahoo!
Monday, May 23, 2011
I Swear to Freaking God
There will be real blog posts. Soon. Maybe soon? I don't know. But there are things that need discussing. DISCUSSION IS REQUIRED GODDAMNIT! Where are you Janet omg omg omg omg omg D: SLUUUUUT NOT YET GIVE HER TIME . . . Argh. Seriously. My brain right now is just a jumble of men, fishnets and Lady Gaga. Also: orgies. What the fuck? I'm so tired. So tired. Fem studies reading can die in a fire! I don't know how I feel about anything and everything at the same time. Next weekend is going to be batshit insane. More insane than everything ever that I could imagine. I think. I also think it might be one of the best weekends ever. I'm really excited to see UAWS again. It's been too long since I rocked out with my cock out. :D Rocky cast party is going to be the fucking shit, but I don't think I'm going to get to take the person I want to... small sacrifice, though! It's not like I wouldn't do anything to make things cheel anyway. I'd do anything. Hah. Haha. Hahaha. I'm so fucking cracked out and insane right now. You can tell by the not organized train of thought, right reader-friend person thing? Good lord. Good lord, good lord. I'm just a jumble. A hot mess jumble and I have every right to be. But I'm also incredibly happy. And incredibly grateful for peach milkshakes. I fucking love peaches. Anyway, dude. Dude, anyway. There's going to be so much to talk about soon, my friendly friend bloggin' buddies. There's so much happening right now, but I can't post anything about it, yet. I'm really excited, though. And I think you guys will be, too.
I really love you all more than you think.
xoxo foreva,
meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee <3
I really love you all more than you think.
xoxo foreva,
meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee <3
Saturday, March 26, 2011
What Will Hopefully Be A Good Post~
Naked. Always naked. That's how I like to be.
I told Aaron Franklin that the other day.
I think he thinks I'm a little strange.
Whatevs!
I'm writing nice things, amusing things, 'cause I kind of sort of feel depressed as shit right now. XD
COOL DUDE.
Not really. Not at all.
Today. I woke up at 2:30 PM.
I spent most of the night with Jacob. Was up until the light of dawn.
(For your information, dear reader, nothing happened.)
I've done that... like... three times this week.
Should have done that... zero times.
Stupid stupid stupid. Not doing any good for anyone.
I let him be close to me. I've gotta have better self control. I've got to... stop giving in to how lonely I am.
I'm... just so sorry.
I've been really sorry, all day.
People always say how I push others away. And I'm well aware that I do. I just don't know how to keep people close to me anymore. I get scared. Hurt. I hurt easily... way more easily than I'd ever like to admit to myself or anyone else... but y'know!
This is what blogs are for.
Sadness. Ranting. Archiving it so I can look at my thoughts later and think, "Good lord, I'm so glad I'm not in that mindset anymore."
This blog has also been... one of the few places where I can think, uncensored.
Well, mostly uncensored. I have too many readers who have feelings to not be censored at all.
(I've already failed to meet my blog's original purpose. Oh well.)
I don't know. I don't know. I'm just so sorry.
Sorry for the drama, the pain, the stupid confusions I've caused this year...
See, I've always had this issue with self-esteem. If you've ever read this blog before, you know that. It's quite obvious.
But I've not doubted who I am... in quite some time.
Maybe I'm a problem. Maybe I'm too selfish. Too ambitious. Too uncaring and headstrong... never giving myself a break is what I do best. I'm also happiest when I'm busy. Idle hands are depression's playground. Ew. Cliche as fuck, but twisty cliche!
Stupid stupid stupid.
Why am I so stupid? Argh. So dumb. Can't see so many things. Always want what I can't have, what I can't reach.
I always want what I can't have because I believe in the impossible. Stupid. Stupid fucking dreamer, dude.
I spent the entire day in bed today. Watched anime until 8:30. Then I watched Mean Girls. Then I took a shower. Now I'm here, moping about on the internet. I feel pathetic. Not the kind of cute lazy pathetic that I perform, but really, really, pathetic.
There's too many lies going on in my head right now. I'm trying to convince myself of too many things.
Too many injured frendships that I will prolly just let slide, 'cause I don't have the mental capacity to deal with the anxiety that comes along with wanting to resolve things...
I'm scared of myself. And the person I've become. I've changed. I'm not the girl I was a few years ago. Not at all.
And for the first time in a long time, I don't know if I am okay with the person I am.
Er, going back to the self-esteem issues.
Have never thought I was pretty.
Have always thought I'm pretty fucking awesome.
I've always blamed my personality insecurities on my physical appearance.
Ex: I'm utterly convinced my acne comes from how stressed I am.
I'm stressed because I have massive anxiety issues.
I'm not exactly sure where my massive anxiety issues came from... but I'm gonna guess it prolly has something to do with not having the ability to trust people as much as I'd like....
Er, uh, I don't know.
Can we call this post soul-searching? I feel like I'm looking for something. A certain thought.
Or maybe I keep typing, because I know what that thought is, but am still too afraid to put it into written words. Y'know, the only language I speak/understand clearly?
Yeah, uh, I'ma be typing for a while longer if that's the case. Hah. XD
'CAUSE I DUNNNNOOO, BROOOO.
Oh! Wait!
Back to me hating my appearance:
I was talking to Ryan, once, and he told me:
"Darlene, people don't like you not because of what you look like, but because you're just too much for them. You're kinda crazy, y'know?"
At least, those words seem more of my own, but that's what I got out of it.
That was also right after he told me he didn't consider me to be one of his best friends...
So maybe I took it wrong? Maybe I was a little hurt... Hm...
Either way -- if I interpreted what he said correctly or no -- it got me to thinkin'.
Darlene, you're too crazy.
What makes me too crazy? Too much to handle? I don't understand. I was gonna say is it because I'm too honest with myself, and the rest of the world, but, yeah, that's funny... I'm totally not honest with myself, nor the world. Don't think I ever have been. Sure, I don't tell lies. I don't do things maliciously. That's just not me. But like... avoiding white elephants, pushing issues out of my mind, isn't that even worse? Isn't lying to yourself the worst thing you can do..?
FUCKING HELL I DON'T EVEN KNOOOOOOOOOOW.
And I keep wondering about Rubino.
Why me?
Whywhywhy...
I know he'd not really like me to say anything -- but, like, I really kind of need to/want to.
The want creates the need. I'm awful at bottling my feelings up, y'see?
Ug I just want to ask him so bad... why did that night happen? What the fuck?
My brain is so confused.
Erm. Hrm. That's not what this is about.
But maybe it is. Maybe this post is just about everything, ever, too.
Ugh... so many things on my mind.
Spring cleaning... so much clutter and junk in this head 'o mine...
Mmmmm... Tanner... so much to say about him...
But, as I feel right now, at this very moment, all I can think is, "Dear lord, I miss him."
It's been hard accepting that I'm not special to him anymore. Really hard. I actually thought I'd always have a special relationship with him. Dumb dumb dummmmb~
Tanner only cares about girls who don't make him uncomfortable. Who don't point out his flaws... who don't yell at him across the dinner table...
I understand why he doesn't care anymore. And it hurts, because both of us are far too stubborn to concede our view to be close again.
I'm always gonna think he talks down to me.
He's always gonna think otherwise.
I just... wish we could be friends again. But I can never, ever, pretend that there's not things that bother me about him again...
I will forever stick by my own thoughts -- until they're proven wrong... and I actually believe they're wrong. My greatest ally is myself.
I don't know what I'm trying to say here. I'm just really sad.
Oh. I do want to say that you were right about Smolich, Jacob.
One-hundred-complete-freakin'-percent-correct.
Yay, that's off my chest!
I don't know what else to talk about right now. I'm getting tired...
Can't wait to get back to SC tomorrow. I'm so sad about Alec, though.
Love the kid to death. Breaks my heart...
~.~
Maybe I feel a little better, maybe?
I told Aaron Franklin that the other day.
I think he thinks I'm a little strange.
Whatevs!
I'm writing nice things, amusing things, 'cause I kind of sort of feel depressed as shit right now. XD
COOL DUDE.
Not really. Not at all.
Today. I woke up at 2:30 PM.
I spent most of the night with Jacob. Was up until the light of dawn.
(For your information, dear reader, nothing happened.)
I've done that... like... three times this week.
Should have done that... zero times.
Stupid stupid stupid. Not doing any good for anyone.
I let him be close to me. I've gotta have better self control. I've got to... stop giving in to how lonely I am.
I'm... just so sorry.
I've been really sorry, all day.
People always say how I push others away. And I'm well aware that I do. I just don't know how to keep people close to me anymore. I get scared. Hurt. I hurt easily... way more easily than I'd ever like to admit to myself or anyone else... but y'know!
This is what blogs are for.
Sadness. Ranting. Archiving it so I can look at my thoughts later and think, "Good lord, I'm so glad I'm not in that mindset anymore."
This blog has also been... one of the few places where I can think, uncensored.
Well, mostly uncensored. I have too many readers who have feelings to not be censored at all.
(I've already failed to meet my blog's original purpose. Oh well.)
I don't know. I don't know. I'm just so sorry.
Sorry for the drama, the pain, the stupid confusions I've caused this year...
See, I've always had this issue with self-esteem. If you've ever read this blog before, you know that. It's quite obvious.
But I've not doubted who I am... in quite some time.
Maybe I'm a problem. Maybe I'm too selfish. Too ambitious. Too uncaring and headstrong... never giving myself a break is what I do best. I'm also happiest when I'm busy. Idle hands are depression's playground. Ew. Cliche as fuck, but twisty cliche!
Stupid stupid stupid.
Why am I so stupid? Argh. So dumb. Can't see so many things. Always want what I can't have, what I can't reach.
I always want what I can't have because I believe in the impossible. Stupid. Stupid fucking dreamer, dude.
I spent the entire day in bed today. Watched anime until 8:30. Then I watched Mean Girls. Then I took a shower. Now I'm here, moping about on the internet. I feel pathetic. Not the kind of cute lazy pathetic that I perform, but really, really, pathetic.
There's too many lies going on in my head right now. I'm trying to convince myself of too many things.
Too many injured frendships that I will prolly just let slide, 'cause I don't have the mental capacity to deal with the anxiety that comes along with wanting to resolve things...
I'm scared of myself. And the person I've become. I've changed. I'm not the girl I was a few years ago. Not at all.
And for the first time in a long time, I don't know if I am okay with the person I am.
Er, going back to the self-esteem issues.
Have never thought I was pretty.
Have always thought I'm pretty fucking awesome.
I've always blamed my personality insecurities on my physical appearance.
Ex: I'm utterly convinced my acne comes from how stressed I am.
I'm stressed because I have massive anxiety issues.
I'm not exactly sure where my massive anxiety issues came from... but I'm gonna guess it prolly has something to do with not having the ability to trust people as much as I'd like....
Er, uh, I don't know.
Can we call this post soul-searching? I feel like I'm looking for something. A certain thought.
Or maybe I keep typing, because I know what that thought is, but am still too afraid to put it into written words. Y'know, the only language I speak/understand clearly?
Yeah, uh, I'ma be typing for a while longer if that's the case. Hah. XD
'CAUSE I DUNNNNOOO, BROOOO.
Oh! Wait!
Back to me hating my appearance:
I was talking to Ryan, once, and he told me:
"Darlene, people don't like you not because of what you look like, but because you're just too much for them. You're kinda crazy, y'know?"
At least, those words seem more of my own, but that's what I got out of it.
That was also right after he told me he didn't consider me to be one of his best friends...
So maybe I took it wrong? Maybe I was a little hurt... Hm...
Either way -- if I interpreted what he said correctly or no -- it got me to thinkin'.
Darlene, you're too crazy.
What makes me too crazy? Too much to handle? I don't understand. I was gonna say is it because I'm too honest with myself, and the rest of the world, but, yeah, that's funny... I'm totally not honest with myself, nor the world. Don't think I ever have been. Sure, I don't tell lies. I don't do things maliciously. That's just not me. But like... avoiding white elephants, pushing issues out of my mind, isn't that even worse? Isn't lying to yourself the worst thing you can do..?
FUCKING HELL I DON'T EVEN KNOOOOOOOOOOW.
And I keep wondering about Rubino.
Why me?
Whywhywhy...
I know he'd not really like me to say anything -- but, like, I really kind of need to/want to.
The want creates the need. I'm awful at bottling my feelings up, y'see?
Ug I just want to ask him so bad... why did that night happen? What the fuck?
My brain is so confused.
Erm. Hrm. That's not what this is about.
But maybe it is. Maybe this post is just about everything, ever, too.
Ugh... so many things on my mind.
Spring cleaning... so much clutter and junk in this head 'o mine...
Mmmmm... Tanner... so much to say about him...
But, as I feel right now, at this very moment, all I can think is, "Dear lord, I miss him."
It's been hard accepting that I'm not special to him anymore. Really hard. I actually thought I'd always have a special relationship with him. Dumb dumb dummmmb~
Tanner only cares about girls who don't make him uncomfortable. Who don't point out his flaws... who don't yell at him across the dinner table...
I understand why he doesn't care anymore. And it hurts, because both of us are far too stubborn to concede our view to be close again.
I'm always gonna think he talks down to me.
He's always gonna think otherwise.
I just... wish we could be friends again. But I can never, ever, pretend that there's not things that bother me about him again...
I will forever stick by my own thoughts -- until they're proven wrong... and I actually believe they're wrong. My greatest ally is myself.
I don't know what I'm trying to say here. I'm just really sad.
Oh. I do want to say that you were right about Smolich, Jacob.
One-hundred-complete-freakin'-percent-correct.
Yay, that's off my chest!
I don't know what else to talk about right now. I'm getting tired...
Can't wait to get back to SC tomorrow. I'm so sad about Alec, though.
Love the kid to death. Breaks my heart...
~.~
Maybe I feel a little better, maybe?
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Uggghhh...
I was really upset when I wrote that last post... also very... rant-y.
I got to find out more things later in the day yesterday... didn't get to post about them until now...
What I was originally told 'bout happenings downtown was totally skewed, and because it was skewed, it upset me a lot... I am a victim of bullshit as well... ugggggggghh
Either way... my brain... it hurts... I am tired...
Imma just leave it at:
I'm sorry. I love you all. :/
I got to find out more things later in the day yesterday... didn't get to post about them until now...
What I was originally told 'bout happenings downtown was totally skewed, and because it was skewed, it upset me a lot... I am a victim of bullshit as well... ugggggggghh
Either way... my brain... it hurts... I am tired...
Imma just leave it at:
I'm sorry. I love you all. :/
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
In Regards to Linus, Tyler, and being a "Drama-Infested Middle Schooler."
Dear anyone who gives a fuck:
I am extremely offended that people 1) created sides 2) took sides 3) threw insults. Ya'll realize that if you had told him to shut up, I'd not be pissed off and writing this now, yeah? I'm not going to sit here and insult anyone, though. I'm just going to explain why I, and some others (the fucks given now are 0) are upset.
While this piece involves Linus and Tyler, this is more of a defense of all the people who have a legitimate reason to be mad, and their right to not be insulted for feeling that way.
I feel like the biggest problem with this issue is the source of information was quite faulty, and a misunderstanding of the situation, on either side, would lead to a split on opinions. It has a few grey areas that can be twisted to promote either side...
To be frank: I didn't give a fuck at first. It was none of my damn business. I'm involved in this as a mediator because one friend wronged another, and I'd like one to feel better, and the other to learn and grow from this experience. I also wanted to make it possible to resolve this issue, because man oh man, the giant shitstorm it could cause would be one for the ages. Some resolution came about yesterday, but the situation is still complicated because I personally don't feel like all the facts have been brought to the table. Also: if I were not there, yesterday, to run as emissary between the two, set up a conversation, and mediate said conversation, Linus would have not really given Freshman a chance. Sometimes, it's good to have a middle person involved to resolve a conflict. Sometimes, shit really isn't your business, but you can help, and there's not a damn thing wrong with wanting to help other human beings. Linus and Freshman were both very appreciative of all I have done in this situation.
Because I was called a Middle Schooler, I now personally give a fuck, and while it is quite juvenile and not of my nature to respond to such a stupid accusation, I've been feeling quite rant-prone and am going to do so anyway... fucking tired of having mad shit talked about me, being aware of it, and doing nothing to stop it, 'cause I want to keep my friendships strong. But thinking about it: in the end, if I've got friends who speak so poorly of me behind my back, what do I have? Nothing. And I'm not okay with that. I want real friends who will treat me with the same kindness and respect I strive to treat them with. (Not saying I'm perfect, but fuck you if you don't think I genuinely try to be a good person.)
{End short tangent.}
{Back to the subject matter.}
I'll tell you right now, the other people up here give even less fucks. We're not upset that Tyler got with a girl - in fact, we're more than happy, he might be on track to get a life of his own - but the way in which he went about his actions was utterly disrespectful to Linus, and that's not okay.
Now, to explain why we're upset:
Earlier that day, before the party, we'd all been having lunch together, and Freshman brought up that he had invited Cassandra (which, was sketchy on its own, it wasn't his place to do so). He explicitly stated that, "I am not going to touch her for 2 months out of respect for Linus." He did exactly the opposite. Sure, he didn't go into the party with foul intentions, but he did not act the way he intended. This is a character flaw, the kid says one thing, and does another. It doesn't matter that he was drunk. When has that ever been a valid excuse for anything other than vomiting or falling over? So, why shouldn't we be upset that he deceived, even though there was no malicious intent, us (specifically, the people at lunch that day), and more importantly, Linus?
The other reason why people are upset is Linus had no closure. On their last date, Casandra told him that she was not ready for a relationship, and that she might be very interested later. While I'm aware this basically means "No, I'm not interested," in girl-speak, Linus himself did not understand it as such, thus he had no closure. He believed that there was still a strong chance for a relationship. If the situation was simply, they dated, and now they're not, Freshman would be totally in the right, but that's now how the cookie crumbled. His actions show a complete disrespect toward and disregard of Linus and his feelings. And now, I know ya'll don't give two fucks about Linus, but if it were say, Asher and Liz, I feel like this would be more of a big deal. Just because the situation involves Linus, it doesn't make it okay.
I'm going to use different people in an example here... to show my point...
Say when uh, Tanner and I broke up, Tanner obviously still had a lot of feelings for me... (Tanner you can debate this if you want, I'm just using this as an example, ok?) And if uh, let's say, Cameron were to totally disregard his feelings, and attempt to woo me (weird...), especially with the understanding that Tanner was still very emotionally involved with me, wouldn't you guys consider that a dick move? And furthermore, Tanner and I had officially "broken up," and there was no longer a chance for a relationship to develop... but I feel like Cameron would still be considered to have done something "wrong" to Tanner. Why isn't it the same for Linus? Because he's kind of a dick?
To elaborate further on Freshman's lack of respect: a person who was sober has told me that Freshman uttered, almost word for word, "Linus deserves it, because he's such a dick to me all the time." While understandable, because Linus isn't really the easiest of fellows to get along with, the reasoning here is not only immature, but completely disrespectful, and furthermore, said maliciously. AKA: not okay. It also demonstrates that Freshman was aware that his actions would hurt Linus. Why? Because he was aware that Linus was still involved with her... still attached...
His defense to the above is:
"I thought Linus was reacting much in the same way any guy would around someone he dated. I thought he was upset because that's what guys do. They get upset when they see someone they were once involved with with another person. They get pissy."
A grey area. It's Freshman's word that you have to either take or leave here.
More reason: most of us up here believe that Freshman was aware that Linus was still very attached to Cassandra. His defense is that he simply "forgot" a one-on-one conversation between himself and Linus regarding her specifically. Freshman recalled that, during that conversation, he said, "No, I do not like her, I just want to hang out with her." (Probably phrased less simply, and with less words, but meh.) His recognition of what he said is enough evidence for me that he did in fact remember said conversation, and conveniently "forgot" that the conversation took place when he was confronted about it. If he could have at the very least approached Linus and told him that he changed his mind, Linus, at that point, could be upset, 'cause competition sucks, but he could not be upset at Tyler for being up-front and honest with him. And I believe that he wouldn't be.
Another defense of Freshman's is that, "Linus doesn't talk to me, so how could I know he was interested in her?" I'm pretty sure the kid lives at my place, and hell, even Alec, our socially awkward I don't give a fuck champion, knew that Linus was crazy about her. My reaction is just simply: really? He had a whole fucking conversation with Linus about this matter... I cannot seriously believe that he can be that dumb. The logic does not work in my mind.
Another grey area: his word versus logical reasoning.
I'd also like to take the time to point out that he went straight to the downtown house after the incident. While I did tell him to stay away from my place for a while, to let Linus calm himself, I see Freshman going to the downtown house as a demonstration of his guilt... while I am aware that Ryan initially gave him a hi-five for his "victory" the night before, and that is what started conversation, Freshman told me that his intention in going to the downtown house was, "I just wanted to make sure they weren't all pissed at me." What he did, in addition to that, was tell his story so that what happens seems like no big deal, in order to make himself feel better, because the kid isn't stupid, and he's well aware that he dun goofed. And with a situation that can be swayed to either side, well, it's quite understandable that one could perceive someone being upset about it as acting childish, or being a "Drama-Infested Middle Schooler," to quote.
To further my argument: I'm also going to point out that this is not the first instance in which Tyler has been all over a girl who he should have not been. I'm not going to go into the details, but the fact that this has happened twice now is even more reason to be upset. He's not learning.
Either way, please don't call me a drama-infested middle schooler again. I really don't like it, nor does anyone else here (though we did have a good chuckle!) I personally do not get mad at anyone unless I've got a legitimate reason to be, and I believe that the utter lack of respect for Linus is plenty reason for me to be upset. His lack of respect for Linus tells me that, in the future, he is quite capable of disrespecting others. This is not okay. My friends, people who aren't my friends, and random ass human beings all deserve respect.
I'd also like to point out that, while I just wrote a almost quite literally essay on this matter, people are not nearly as pissed off as I make it out to be, save Linus. I have a way in writing that comes off as very intense, because I'm extremely meticulous in my arguments, and I just want to make sure that all who read this post know that I'm not sitting here, as if I were a cauldron of fucked up potato soup, boiling over like a crazed loon. Additionally, it is very hard to convey human emotion in the written word, (at least compared to speech) so I've written this paragraph to soften any hard edges of this statement.
But honestly, in the end, all I want to say is: I feel like if we, as an entire group, could talk things out, and come to a singular conclusion rather than have each side spread rumors, insult one another (I'm not saying On Campus people are innocent, by any means, so you know) and jumble information, drama would not be that big of a deal. But it's going to take all of us acting like the adults we tell ourselves we are to do something like that. And sadly, with our history, I don't see it happening anytime soon.
Thanks for readin' & toodles!
Edited once at about 10:00 AM, after Lit.
I am extremely offended that people 1) created sides 2) took sides 3) threw insults. Ya'll realize that if you had told him to shut up, I'd not be pissed off and writing this now, yeah? I'm not going to sit here and insult anyone, though. I'm just going to explain why I, and some others (the fucks given now are 0) are upset.
While this piece involves Linus and Tyler, this is more of a defense of all the people who have a legitimate reason to be mad, and their right to not be insulted for feeling that way.
I feel like the biggest problem with this issue is the source of information was quite faulty, and a misunderstanding of the situation, on either side, would lead to a split on opinions. It has a few grey areas that can be twisted to promote either side...
To be frank: I didn't give a fuck at first. It was none of my damn business. I'm involved in this as a mediator because one friend wronged another, and I'd like one to feel better, and the other to learn and grow from this experience. I also wanted to make it possible to resolve this issue, because man oh man, the giant shitstorm it could cause would be one for the ages. Some resolution came about yesterday, but the situation is still complicated because I personally don't feel like all the facts have been brought to the table. Also: if I were not there, yesterday, to run as emissary between the two, set up a conversation, and mediate said conversation, Linus would have not really given Freshman a chance. Sometimes, it's good to have a middle person involved to resolve a conflict. Sometimes, shit really isn't your business, but you can help, and there's not a damn thing wrong with wanting to help other human beings. Linus and Freshman were both very appreciative of all I have done in this situation.
Because I was called a Middle Schooler, I now personally give a fuck, and while it is quite juvenile and not of my nature to respond to such a stupid accusation, I've been feeling quite rant-prone and am going to do so anyway... fucking tired of having mad shit talked about me, being aware of it, and doing nothing to stop it, 'cause I want to keep my friendships strong. But thinking about it: in the end, if I've got friends who speak so poorly of me behind my back, what do I have? Nothing. And I'm not okay with that. I want real friends who will treat me with the same kindness and respect I strive to treat them with. (Not saying I'm perfect, but fuck you if you don't think I genuinely try to be a good person.)
{End short tangent.}
{Back to the subject matter.}
I'll tell you right now, the other people up here give even less fucks. We're not upset that Tyler got with a girl - in fact, we're more than happy, he might be on track to get a life of his own - but the way in which he went about his actions was utterly disrespectful to Linus, and that's not okay.
Now, to explain why we're upset:
Earlier that day, before the party, we'd all been having lunch together, and Freshman brought up that he had invited Cassandra (which, was sketchy on its own, it wasn't his place to do so). He explicitly stated that, "I am not going to touch her for 2 months out of respect for Linus." He did exactly the opposite. Sure, he didn't go into the party with foul intentions, but he did not act the way he intended. This is a character flaw, the kid says one thing, and does another. It doesn't matter that he was drunk. When has that ever been a valid excuse for anything other than vomiting or falling over? So, why shouldn't we be upset that he deceived, even though there was no malicious intent, us (specifically, the people at lunch that day), and more importantly, Linus?
The other reason why people are upset is Linus had no closure. On their last date, Casandra told him that she was not ready for a relationship, and that she might be very interested later. While I'm aware this basically means "No, I'm not interested," in girl-speak, Linus himself did not understand it as such, thus he had no closure. He believed that there was still a strong chance for a relationship. If the situation was simply, they dated, and now they're not, Freshman would be totally in the right, but that's now how the cookie crumbled. His actions show a complete disrespect toward and disregard of Linus and his feelings. And now, I know ya'll don't give two fucks about Linus, but if it were say, Asher and Liz, I feel like this would be more of a big deal. Just because the situation involves Linus, it doesn't make it okay.
I'm going to use different people in an example here... to show my point...
Say when uh, Tanner and I broke up, Tanner obviously still had a lot of feelings for me... (Tanner you can debate this if you want, I'm just using this as an example, ok?) And if uh, let's say, Cameron were to totally disregard his feelings, and attempt to woo me (weird...), especially with the understanding that Tanner was still very emotionally involved with me, wouldn't you guys consider that a dick move? And furthermore, Tanner and I had officially "broken up," and there was no longer a chance for a relationship to develop... but I feel like Cameron would still be considered to have done something "wrong" to Tanner. Why isn't it the same for Linus? Because he's kind of a dick?
To elaborate further on Freshman's lack of respect: a person who was sober has told me that Freshman uttered, almost word for word, "Linus deserves it, because he's such a dick to me all the time." While understandable, because Linus isn't really the easiest of fellows to get along with, the reasoning here is not only immature, but completely disrespectful, and furthermore, said maliciously. AKA: not okay. It also demonstrates that Freshman was aware that his actions would hurt Linus. Why? Because he was aware that Linus was still involved with her... still attached...
His defense to the above is:
"I thought Linus was reacting much in the same way any guy would around someone he dated. I thought he was upset because that's what guys do. They get upset when they see someone they were once involved with with another person. They get pissy."
A grey area. It's Freshman's word that you have to either take or leave here.
More reason: most of us up here believe that Freshman was aware that Linus was still very attached to Cassandra. His defense is that he simply "forgot" a one-on-one conversation between himself and Linus regarding her specifically. Freshman recalled that, during that conversation, he said, "No, I do not like her, I just want to hang out with her." (Probably phrased less simply, and with less words, but meh.) His recognition of what he said is enough evidence for me that he did in fact remember said conversation, and conveniently "forgot" that the conversation took place when he was confronted about it. If he could have at the very least approached Linus and told him that he changed his mind, Linus, at that point, could be upset, 'cause competition sucks, but he could not be upset at Tyler for being up-front and honest with him. And I believe that he wouldn't be.
Another defense of Freshman's is that, "Linus doesn't talk to me, so how could I know he was interested in her?" I'm pretty sure the kid lives at my place, and hell, even Alec, our socially awkward I don't give a fuck champion, knew that Linus was crazy about her. My reaction is just simply: really? He had a whole fucking conversation with Linus about this matter... I cannot seriously believe that he can be that dumb. The logic does not work in my mind.
Another grey area: his word versus logical reasoning.
I'd also like to take the time to point out that he went straight to the downtown house after the incident. While I did tell him to stay away from my place for a while, to let Linus calm himself, I see Freshman going to the downtown house as a demonstration of his guilt... while I am aware that Ryan initially gave him a hi-five for his "victory" the night before, and that is what started conversation, Freshman told me that his intention in going to the downtown house was, "I just wanted to make sure they weren't all pissed at me." What he did, in addition to that, was tell his story so that what happens seems like no big deal, in order to make himself feel better, because the kid isn't stupid, and he's well aware that he dun goofed. And with a situation that can be swayed to either side, well, it's quite understandable that one could perceive someone being upset about it as acting childish, or being a "Drama-Infested Middle Schooler," to quote.
To further my argument: I'm also going to point out that this is not the first instance in which Tyler has been all over a girl who he should have not been. I'm not going to go into the details, but the fact that this has happened twice now is even more reason to be upset. He's not learning.
Either way, please don't call me a drama-infested middle schooler again. I really don't like it, nor does anyone else here (though we did have a good chuckle!) I personally do not get mad at anyone unless I've got a legitimate reason to be, and I believe that the utter lack of respect for Linus is plenty reason for me to be upset. His lack of respect for Linus tells me that, in the future, he is quite capable of disrespecting others. This is not okay. My friends, people who aren't my friends, and random ass human beings all deserve respect.
I'd also like to point out that, while I just wrote a almost quite literally essay on this matter, people are not nearly as pissed off as I make it out to be, save Linus. I have a way in writing that comes off as very intense, because I'm extremely meticulous in my arguments, and I just want to make sure that all who read this post know that I'm not sitting here, as if I were a cauldron of fucked up potato soup, boiling over like a crazed loon. Additionally, it is very hard to convey human emotion in the written word, (at least compared to speech) so I've written this paragraph to soften any hard edges of this statement.
But honestly, in the end, all I want to say is: I feel like if we, as an entire group, could talk things out, and come to a singular conclusion rather than have each side spread rumors, insult one another (I'm not saying On Campus people are innocent, by any means, so you know) and jumble information, drama would not be that big of a deal. But it's going to take all of us acting like the adults we tell ourselves we are to do something like that. And sadly, with our history, I don't see it happening anytime soon.
Thanks for readin' & toodles!
Edited once at about 10:00 AM, after Lit.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Lit 101 - Short Assignment #3
Darlene McCoy
Jody Greene
Lit 101
28 February 2011
Literary Theory: Useful for Conflict Mediation
Jacques Derrida has quite the issue with communication, and does not believe that the current importance given to communication is deserved. He believes so because every word, phrase, or work is repeatable. He says that, all evidence of a meaningful type mark characterizes itself by its ability to be debated. But, this type mark cannot be reduced to one determinate meaning, nor is it possible to divide the multiple meaning present into specific categories. Therefore, since there is no determinate meaning, no speech act is entirely successful in communicating its meaning, and because that is so, communication should not receive the prestigious that it does.
He offers a few solutions to this problem. The first being that all who wish to discuss and argument should treat it "practically and theoretically." One should take an argument for what it is, but additionally take his or her own thought and interpretation on the matter into consideration as well. Derrida mentions a concept he names "Dual-writing." The idea is that, a text has a literal interpretation to it - the words speak for themselves - but each individual person can interpret that literal interpretation in their own way. So, to create the closest thing to a complete argument, one must combine the literal "meaning" of the text with his or her interpretation. They must employ both sides of the spectrum to attain something that can be used to argue a position. Derrida also points out that a simple rereading of a text may change one's thoughts on it, and ultimately his or her argument. A person may understand a text more fully or in a different way than the first time her or she read it. New ideas can make great additions to an argument.
While describing his solutions to the issues he has with communication, Derrida makes clear that any argument should be argued in a way that embodies truth. Both parties arguments' must be honest to their knowledge, even though in an argument over theoretical material, one can never be completely correct, and therefore, completely honest. Both parties must also interpret whatever material to the best of their ability, to create a fair stage for debate. Furthermore, if a text is ridden with pure hatred or insults, it is not the most hospitable to a reader, so that reader may fall into more theoretical ideas due to emotions invoked by the text.
Earlier today, I had to deal with a two people with quite a few issues with each other. I talked to both parties, who both had different interpretations of the situation that caused said problems. I had to almost quite literally bash one over the head until he told me what he honestly perceived as the truth -- because a true solution could never be brought about if dishonest arguments were used in its resolution. The other, who was quite emotional, but overall easier to deal with, just told me what he honestly thought. Without their eventual honesty, the problem would have never been resolved. Going over the said situation time and time again in my mind brought me to a fuller understanding of what took place, so I was able to act as a mediator between the two. I, being the only sober person in the situation, and mostly emotionally detached from both parties, had the ability to take the situation practically, and I also used my theoretical ideas about it to create an overall "complete" story, which after a while I got them both to agree to. In the end, because both of them complied and gave me their honest arguments, we were able to reach an agreement. Derrida became so "violent," as he says because Searle, his opposition, did not respond what he defines as "honestly" to his text, nor did he write his response in a hospitable fashion. If Searle had interpreted Derrida quite literally, "better" he would have never had an issue.
Jody Greene
Lit 101
28 February 2011
Literary Theory: Useful for Conflict Mediation
Jacques Derrida has quite the issue with communication, and does not believe that the current importance given to communication is deserved. He believes so because every word, phrase, or work is repeatable. He says that, all evidence of a meaningful type mark characterizes itself by its ability to be debated. But, this type mark cannot be reduced to one determinate meaning, nor is it possible to divide the multiple meaning present into specific categories. Therefore, since there is no determinate meaning, no speech act is entirely successful in communicating its meaning, and because that is so, communication should not receive the prestigious that it does.
He offers a few solutions to this problem. The first being that all who wish to discuss and argument should treat it "practically and theoretically." One should take an argument for what it is, but additionally take his or her own thought and interpretation on the matter into consideration as well. Derrida mentions a concept he names "Dual-writing." The idea is that, a text has a literal interpretation to it - the words speak for themselves - but each individual person can interpret that literal interpretation in their own way. So, to create the closest thing to a complete argument, one must combine the literal "meaning" of the text with his or her interpretation. They must employ both sides of the spectrum to attain something that can be used to argue a position. Derrida also points out that a simple rereading of a text may change one's thoughts on it, and ultimately his or her argument. A person may understand a text more fully or in a different way than the first time her or she read it. New ideas can make great additions to an argument.
While describing his solutions to the issues he has with communication, Derrida makes clear that any argument should be argued in a way that embodies truth. Both parties arguments' must be honest to their knowledge, even though in an argument over theoretical material, one can never be completely correct, and therefore, completely honest. Both parties must also interpret whatever material to the best of their ability, to create a fair stage for debate. Furthermore, if a text is ridden with pure hatred or insults, it is not the most hospitable to a reader, so that reader may fall into more theoretical ideas due to emotions invoked by the text.
Earlier today, I had to deal with a two people with quite a few issues with each other. I talked to both parties, who both had different interpretations of the situation that caused said problems. I had to almost quite literally bash one over the head until he told me what he honestly perceived as the truth -- because a true solution could never be brought about if dishonest arguments were used in its resolution. The other, who was quite emotional, but overall easier to deal with, just told me what he honestly thought. Without their eventual honesty, the problem would have never been resolved. Going over the said situation time and time again in my mind brought me to a fuller understanding of what took place, so I was able to act as a mediator between the two. I, being the only sober person in the situation, and mostly emotionally detached from both parties, had the ability to take the situation practically, and I also used my theoretical ideas about it to create an overall "complete" story, which after a while I got them both to agree to. In the end, because both of them complied and gave me their honest arguments, we were able to reach an agreement. Derrida became so "violent," as he says because Searle, his opposition, did not respond what he defines as "honestly" to his text, nor did he write his response in a hospitable fashion. If Searle had interpreted Derrida quite literally, "better" he would have never had an issue.
"Beatiful People" on Tumblr - Thoughts
Many a person on Tumblr spams my dashboard with many a photo of a "Beautiful person" and while I'd agree that the photos they post of people are quite nice, and quite attractive, for some reason, they bother me. They gnaw at my brain. They make me uncomfortable. And this morning, I finally figured out why.
These "beautiful people" are simply photos. That's it. Nothing about who they are, what they do, their interests, their talents, their dreams...
Is the girl pictured about beautiful because her hair's red? Because she's wearing thigh high socks? Because her face is very pretty and well made-up? Is she pretty because she's the idea of "different"? Why, of all the pictures of people, did you post this one? By posting this picture, what are you saying about yourself? Are you wishing you could look like her? Are you wishing you were different, like her? What are you trying to promote? What are you saying about her?
You know how to be different? Be yourself. Everyone is unique and special -- don't let idiotic conceptions of beauty destroy who you are. I'm blonde, with blue eyes, white as fuck, and I know I'm different. I look totally fuckin' normal, not special in any way, and yet, I'm beautiful. (Fuck yeah Lady Gaga, anyone? Born This Way premiered today! XD) Sure my face is scarred from the years of acne I've endured, but fuck man, does that really matter? I freak the fuck out about my face because I feel ugly, due to society that we live in. Scars aren't pretty, therefore I'm not pretty. Fucking bullshit. This world is God damned stupid. Haha. If the world saw more in people than the way they look, I'd of never felt awful about myself for the last... what, 7 years? I don't get a chance to show people who I am, because I'm so damn worried they won't even communicate with me because I'm simply too ugly. I don't have to wear weird clothes or dye my hair crazy colors to know I'm different, sure, I can understand the reasoning behind "Man, my hair looks fucking cool with a purple streak in it," but ugghhh... rage rage rage... I really, really, hate people's idea of beauty, and people who post on Tumblr just promote the shit out of the idea. Soooooo disturbing to me...
One can run around promoting how different they are, or they can just be different.
One can run around promoting how much of a nice guy he is, or he can just be a nice guy.
Actions people, actions. They speak so much more.
How can someone be considered beautiful if they're just an image? Just a photo? What if the person in said picture is posing to make a few extra bucks to fund her crack addiction as her baby daddy struggles to feed the newborn she's too fucked up to take care of? Is she still beautiful? I'm sorry, but I beg to differ... looks aren't everything, people.
Also: photoshop. lol.
Furthermore, there's no stories behind these pictures. They're shallow. One-dimensional. And they promote a very crude and limited sense of beauty. Being beautiful is so much more than nice tits and an ass... ARRRGGGHHH
Now, when I get drunk, one of the most common things I utter is, "Look at all the beautiful people." And most people would say because I'm drunk, the phrase means a whole lot less. I once again, beg to differ. I feel like I'm most honest when my walls are down, and alcohol breaks 'em down real fast...
Anyway, I'ma point out somethin' real quick like:
I usually say "Look at all the beautiful people" around my closest friends, the ones I truly know are beautiful - while we're dancing, chillin' around a hookah, playin' Apples to Apples, having awesome drunk moments, or simply watching a Giants game. Then again, I believe that there's at least one thing about a person that makes them beautiful... so... euh. It's not uncommon for me to say something of the sort on say, a dance floor. Oh but I can explain that! Dancing is something that is very personal, even if it's just flailing... people can express themselves through dance, and that's why a bunch of dancing people is beautiful! They're expressing something of themselves to everyone else, and how can anyone scoff at that? How can that not be beautiful? Dance, especially drunk dancing, is a very raw form of human expression... a unique expression of one's self... Yeah! (I sometimes say "Look at all the beautiful people!" to make KendalKorn giggle, too, 'cause for some reason she's super amused by it... :])
Anyway! I didn't say it once this last party -- because I didn't freakin' know anyone there. (Also: not drunk? Dunno if I said it [in the context I'm writing of] at the party before this, but uh... yeah, here's a loop in my argument!) XD Party was weird as fuck, I got creeped on, and I got to spend maybe a fraction of my time there with my actual friends, because they were too busy freakin' the fuck out about the random ass people who showed up who ended up getting pretty sick... ugh... worries + booze = not happy.
I also have a "Beautiful Man Wall" here in my room, which I'd think most people would consider a flag for "Hey, you don't give a fuck about beauty!" Why do I think they're beautiful? I've watched every single person on my wall. Most are from movies, or Matt Bellamy... I've got an image of them, and their personalities in my mind. They're not just a body... not just an image of what I consider "attractive." While I'm kind of aware that Johnny Depp is kind of an asshole, the roles he plays (the Mad Hatter, Captain Jack) are what I associate his personality with, so y'know, it's a little off, but yeah... I think my point has been made...
Shit man I don't even know... I gotta go eat breakfast...
I'm just glad I figured out why these pictures bother me. They're attractive (these chicks are def hot, I'm not arguing against what they look like at all!), not beautiful. Beauty is so much more than a picture on Tumblr. Stupid materialistic world... stupid stupid stupid... rageragerage
I feel like I can write about Derrida now. Hello, thinking mood.
SO HUNGRRRRYYY XDD
Monday, February 21, 2011
MORE MORE Boys Boys Boys!
SO MANY BOYS.
Well, not really. Or really? Fuck, I don't know.
See, I was a little sad on Saturday, 'cause I invited some people over, and then nobody responded to me at all, and I was like, d'awww, I'm just being crazy, thinking anyone would like me enough to respond to me...
Blahblahblah, emo emo, got rid of that LAST NIGHT, dumb bitch brain.
Anyway, woke up this mornin' and got a text from Boy #1... poor guy was stuck in Bonny Doon all night without phone reception...
And earlier tonight, I got a response from Ginger Kid... he was in the bay at his friend's birthday party...
I felt much better, after.
Gonna invite Ginger Kid to Tanner's party next weekend. I expect very good results. And by very good results, I'm hoping I might actually end up having legit feelings for him. That'd be cool, 'cause as life is going right now, most men bore the living hell out of me. Haha.
I think Boy #1 would be scared of how hardcore we party, so imma invite him over when we're not planning on a 40 person free-for-all drinkfest... XD
Oh man, in relation to our parties, I really gotta say:
Those fuckin' orgy-porgy parties we throw, man, they're the greatest.
So much sex, drugs, and alcohol...
Don't even know how many dicks I've sucked in the last week, fuck!
Whatever. Excited for times to come. Keeping my head up, keeping strong, rollin' awesome. IT'S WHAT I DO. :)
Well, not really. Or really? Fuck, I don't know.
See, I was a little sad on Saturday, 'cause I invited some people over, and then nobody responded to me at all, and I was like, d'awww, I'm just being crazy, thinking anyone would like me enough to respond to me...
Blahblahblah, emo emo, got rid of that LAST NIGHT, dumb bitch brain.
Anyway, woke up this mornin' and got a text from Boy #1... poor guy was stuck in Bonny Doon all night without phone reception...
And earlier tonight, I got a response from Ginger Kid... he was in the bay at his friend's birthday party...
I felt much better, after.
Gonna invite Ginger Kid to Tanner's party next weekend. I expect very good results. And by very good results, I'm hoping I might actually end up having legit feelings for him. That'd be cool, 'cause as life is going right now, most men bore the living hell out of me. Haha.
I think Boy #1 would be scared of how hardcore we party, so imma invite him over when we're not planning on a 40 person free-for-all drinkfest... XD
Oh man, in relation to our parties, I really gotta say:
Those fuckin' orgy-porgy parties we throw, man, they're the greatest.
So much sex, drugs, and alcohol...
Don't even know how many dicks I've sucked in the last week, fuck!
Whatever. Excited for times to come. Keeping my head up, keeping strong, rollin' awesome. IT'S WHAT I DO. :)
Sunday, February 20, 2011
I Am!
Never gonna be good enough for some people,
BUT
with time,
I'm realizing that,
those who deny me, ditch me, make me feel lonely,
aren't good enough for me.
So fuck ya'll, fuck everything, I'm a damn good person and should be treated accordingly. I gotta stop being nice to people who could give zero fucks 'bout me. It's taken quite a while -- 'cause I believe in the good of errybody, but, y'know... it's silly to keep believing when it more or less kills you on the inside. Mental health man, it's important.
YAY!
Lots of deep conversation last night. Got some super lacking of self-confidence out. Was good. Got to meet Cory's sister and her friends. Also, good.
I did blow up my friend's Facebook a little, though:
BUT
with time,
I'm realizing that,
those who deny me, ditch me, make me feel lonely,
aren't good enough for me.
So fuck ya'll, fuck everything, I'm a damn good person and should be treated accordingly. I gotta stop being nice to people who could give zero fucks 'bout me. It's taken quite a while -- 'cause I believe in the good of errybody, but, y'know... it's silly to keep believing when it more or less kills you on the inside. Mental health man, it's important.
YAY!
Lots of deep conversation last night. Got some super lacking of self-confidence out. Was good. Got to meet Cory's sister and her friends. Also, good.
I did blow up my friend's Facebook a little, though:
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Last Night... I Don't Even...
So. Ryan's birthday party.
I woke up in Michael Rubino's bed.
WHAT THE FUCCCCCCCCKKK XDD
Fucking awesome party, dude. Every part of it. :)
Didn't take no hits off the booooong, for all ya'll lurkers who need some clarification... just played around a 'lil y'hear?
Total confidence boost. XD
Had an amazing time. So much fun. So much soft. Haha. Ehe. Ohohohoho~!
Well, the kind of hella sketch people made it a little weird, but I wasn't very concerned nor worried about them in the least. Had other things on my mind...
Teo gave Cooper and I the most entrancing light show ever. My brain still cannot comprehend all the pretty colors...
and the music.
THE MUSIC.
THE MUSIC WAS SO DAMN FANTASTIC HOMYGOD.
So much love for the Bad Romance remix. It was sexy. That's all I can think to say about it.
Kendal heard me giggling! AHHH! Makes me blush. :3
...I heard people running to the bathroom to vomit.
MAKES ME BLUSH.
...yay vomit
We need to have more parties that consist of the amazing awesomeness that was February 12th.
I woke up in Michael Rubino's bed.
WHAT THE FUCCCCCCCCKKK XDD
Fucking awesome party, dude. Every part of it. :)
Didn't take no hits off the booooong, for all ya'll lurkers who need some clarification... just played around a 'lil y'hear?
Total confidence boost. XD
Had an amazing time. So much fun. So much soft. Haha. Ehe. Ohohohoho~!
Well, the kind of hella sketch people made it a little weird, but I wasn't very concerned nor worried about them in the least. Had other things on my mind...
Teo gave Cooper and I the most entrancing light show ever. My brain still cannot comprehend all the pretty colors...
and the music.
THE MUSIC.
THE MUSIC WAS SO DAMN FANTASTIC HOMYGOD.
So much love for the Bad Romance remix. It was sexy. That's all I can think to say about it.
Kendal heard me giggling! AHHH! Makes me blush. :3
...I heard people running to the bathroom to vomit.
MAKES ME BLUSH.
...yay vomit
We need to have more parties that consist of the amazing awesomeness that was February 12th.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Date Night!
So I finally got to go out with that guy I've been talkin' to for a bit.
It was nice. I think he was terrified though, like super nervous. Poor guy. :)
On the bus ride there, there was a super-intense couple more or less making out in front of me. Was awkward. But they smelled amazing. So I got my creep on for the night!
We went to the Surf Rider Cafe (hella good, mmmmm!) and had dinner for like, 3 hours. That's a good sign, right? But sometimes it seemed like I just talked, for 3 hours. Oh man. My brain. Then we went for ice cream at the Pacific Cookie Company! Max was there, but he didn't recognize me. Meh. While we were eating ice cream, this kind of cracked out person asked if they could use my phone, and I just let him. Will kept staring at me and smiling, prolly trying to convey "Da fuck?" annnnnnnnd I just kept smiling at him, mumbling, "ooooh life," and attempting to get, "I just wanna be nice to the guy!" across to him. It only took a few minutes, anyway. We were more or less done after that, and he waited at the metro with me, which honestly took forever 'cause OMG buses blow past 10 PM on the weekends. Annnnnywaaaaaaaaay. I think he likes me. I think I might like him. Needs a second date. *shrug*
Later, after I got home, I got a few random ass calls from what seemed to be an intoxicated old black woman. Very amusing. Message saved.
I really want him to come over to my apt, 'cause my friends are hella nice and there's Brawl and he might feel more comfortable, and open up a bit. It'd be cool.
It was nice. I think he was terrified though, like super nervous. Poor guy. :)
On the bus ride there, there was a super-intense couple more or less making out in front of me. Was awkward. But they smelled amazing. So I got my creep on for the night!
We went to the Surf Rider Cafe (hella good, mmmmm!) and had dinner for like, 3 hours. That's a good sign, right? But sometimes it seemed like I just talked, for 3 hours. Oh man. My brain. Then we went for ice cream at the Pacific Cookie Company! Max was there, but he didn't recognize me. Meh. While we were eating ice cream, this kind of cracked out person asked if they could use my phone, and I just let him. Will kept staring at me and smiling, prolly trying to convey "Da fuck?" annnnnnnnd I just kept smiling at him, mumbling, "ooooh life," and attempting to get, "I just wanna be nice to the guy!" across to him. It only took a few minutes, anyway. We were more or less done after that, and he waited at the metro with me, which honestly took forever 'cause OMG buses blow past 10 PM on the weekends. Annnnnywaaaaaaaaay. I think he likes me. I think I might like him. Needs a second date. *shrug*
Later, after I got home, I got a few random ass calls from what seemed to be an intoxicated old black woman. Very amusing. Message saved.
I really want him to come over to my apt, 'cause my friends are hella nice and there's Brawl and he might feel more comfortable, and open up a bit. It'd be cool.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
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