The Need to Write!

SOOOOOOO today in 102!

I was thinking, since we were just going over Benjamin again,

Man, I really want to write about Vanquish. Hahahaha.

Then I laughed at how nostalgic, nerdy, and fantastic I am.

Then I laughed at Alex being passed out because he stayed up until 6 AM finishing our paper for the class.

What a goof!

Anyway, so like, I was all supppppper down to start writing again.

Then I realized: shit, bro, I don't have any time for this shit!

Eh. Not really. I think I'm more just scared that my writing will end up as bad like, FFXI fanfiction. I don't wanna do that.

I do not have a lot of time, though. I mean, that's sort of true.

Then again, I have the time right now to be writing this...

Let's stop talking about me and time, 'aight?

Hrm... so now yeah okay~!

Writing. I want to write about Vanquish as a set of short stories that kinda are a memoir. They'd be Memoirs of a White Mage. Hhahahahaa.

I don't know why I laugh at writing about FFXI and the people I met there so much... maybe it's because society finds internet relationships to be petty jokes and not real in any sense -- and the connotations that go along with playing a MMO are just freakin' crazy... as in crazy negative...

Maybe I'm still afraid to step out of my comfort zone.

Funny, I know that once I do, I can produce something amazing.

But maybe I'm just not ready for that yet. Maybe I'm not ready because I don't feel that I have the adequate brain time to use on writing. Shit, man, I'd prolly only be able to write like a few pages a day, if that. Y'know, providing I was in the right mood to be writing at all. Homan--

Either way, there's been a lot on my mind recently. I've been spending a lot of time with Jacob, and it's made me really relaxed, peaceful, and happy. Though I feel as if I am being selfish, because my communication with Ryan has dropped substantially this week. I hope he doesn't think that I all of a sudden think ill of him -- as his crazy brain might do -- I just am like, happy as I am right now and am too selfish to want to change any of that at the moment.

Then again, why should I ever change my plans if they involve me being less happy? :/ Right?

Man. Everything is so crazy right now. Well, everything forever is crazy. That's just kinda how life is....

Tonight the Stellar Corpses are playing at the Catalyst. I don't think I'm going. I just like, won't feel right there. I'm not a psychobilly type of girl, y'know? I don't even know how to type the word correctly. I think the culture is cool, and I really appreciate it, but I'm not the type of person who can participate in a mosh pit -- even if it's the nicest most pit that ever existed! I can't deal with physical discomfort very well. It really affects my thinking and thought processes... no bueno, dude.

Also tonight: Silly Creature is playing at Kresge Town Hall aka 2 feet away from my apt. I haven't seen r00b, Nate, or Keyhan for a long time, and I'd really like to show those guys that I still enjoy Silly Creature, and that I support them! Besides, I'm also contemplating wearing my fish net shirt to the show to mess with Rubino. Hahahaha.

Oi, everything ever. Again. Everything ever in my head. Did you know I can write for days, dear blogger? I think you do, but sometimes, when my archive looks thin, I think you question my ability to write. I do too, though, so, maybe all of this thinking is kinda pointless. Maybe I should write a book all in stream-of-consciousness. That'd be really cool. It'd also prolly contain a lot of typos. Can I use spellcheck if I'm typing in stream-of-consciousness? Hahahaha. I think what I'm writing now is kinda stream-of-consciousness, and I used spellcheck to spell consciousness correctly... so... I guess it counts. Meh. Dunno. Too philosophical for me at the moment!

Erg so like later, I really want to write a super-awesome and long blog post about that teacher that I tried to get to know on Tumblr. I have no idea why he didn't respond to me. He prolly either thinks that I'm some goob ass undergrad without a brain OR doesn't actually have the time for a social life. I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt, because he is a teacher, and a very devoted teacher, so I think it is plausible that he could've had something more important to do than to chat with some random person on Tumblr. I just wish that he would've talked to me... I think he's so cool and smart and awesome and just like! Ugh. I would like to talk to someone who's just ahead of me in life so baaaaaaaaaad. I mean, the fact that he's adorable as shit doesn't bother me at all, either, but still. I'm not looking for a relationship right now. There's kinda one smacking me in the face currently. Oi. To be fair, I don't know if smacking is the right word to use. It implies that I'm not happy, or am like, forced into my current relationship situation. And I'm not. I do what I want. Like forever. Forever forever. Did you know that I freaking love language? Gosh, it's like the most interesting thing eveeer! But, then again, I prolly love the study of literature more. I dunno. I wonder what Tanner got on his paper. I'm really curious. Because I'm a bad person. Oh well.

Saturday night kinda sucked. It's a good thing this weekend has arrived now, though, because I think it's about to be a good one!

Also: heard Steve was more... of not my type of person. Interesting. Still willing to investigate, but like, significantly less interested in anything with him. I guess that's what the investigating is for, right? Hah!

Man. I keep talking about all of these things and people floating around and around and around in my head, but I never seem to talk about the things that are really, really important to me. Oh well. I don't know if I'm okay with my heart and soul on the internet -- just my brain works a lot better for me.

But wait. Is my brain my heart and soul? OH SHIT PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION TIMEEEEE

Oi, man, everything ever. Everything ever. Abbey is coming over on the 25th. I'm really excited to see her and how she's grown over the past few years. I think she's an incredible young lady, and never, ever gives herself enough credit for how far she's come. I guess that's where I come in, eh? :D

We're gonna watch Velvet Goldmine. It has Ewan McGregor naked in it. Hahahaha. 'Cause, y'know, I totally watch movies for a single aesthetic moment. Whatever. lol  I really hope I can get Kim to come over, too, because Goddamn I miss her. She's the freaking best.

UGGGGGGH. Could write forever. Forever and ever.

Whatevs.

I think I'm done for now. My brain isn't functioning as I'd like it to be to continue.

Don't ask me why -- 'cause I don't wanna think about it.

But then again, blogger, you don't ask me questions... you just sit here and allow me to fill you with my thoughts. So non-judgmental. I love it.

Meh. Ta-ta for now, motherfucker!

I Swear to Freaking God

There will be real blog posts. Soon. Maybe soon? I don't know. But there are things that need discussing. DISCUSSION IS REQUIRED GODDAMNIT! Where are you Janet omg omg omg omg omg D: SLUUUUUT NOT YET GIVE HER TIME . . . Argh. Seriously. My brain right now is just a jumble of men, fishnets and Lady Gaga. Also: orgies. What the fuck? I'm so tired. So tired. Fem studies reading can die in a fire! I don't know how I feel about anything and everything at the same time. Next weekend is going to be batshit insane. More insane than everything ever that I could imagine. I think. I also think it might be one of the best weekends ever. I'm really excited to see UAWS again. It's been too long since I rocked out with my cock out. :D Rocky cast party is going to be the fucking shit, but I don't think I'm going to get to take the person I want to... small sacrifice, though! It's not like I wouldn't do anything to make things cheel anyway. I'd do anything. Hah. Haha. Hahaha. I'm so fucking cracked out and insane right now. You can tell by the not organized train of thought, right reader-friend person thing? Good lord. Good lord, good lord. I'm just a jumble. A hot mess jumble and I have every right to be. But I'm also incredibly happy. And incredibly grateful for peach milkshakes. I fucking love peaches. Anyway, dude. Dude, anyway. There's going to be so much to talk about soon, my friendly friend bloggin' buddies. There's so much happening right now, but I can't post anything about it, yet. I'm really excited, though. And I think you guys will be, too.

I really love you all more than you think.

xoxo foreva,

meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee <3

What Will Hopefully Be A Good Post~

Naked. Always naked. That's how I like to be.

I told Aaron Franklin that the other day.

I think he thinks I'm a little strange.

Whatevs!

I'm writing nice things, amusing things, 'cause I kind of sort of feel depressed as shit right now. XD

COOL DUDE.

Not really. Not at all.

Today. I woke up at 2:30 PM.

I spent most of the night with Jacob. Was up until the light of dawn.

(For your information, dear reader, nothing happened.)

I've done that... like... three times this week.

Should have done that... zero times.

Stupid stupid stupid. Not doing any good for anyone.

I let him be close to me. I've gotta have better self control. I've got to... stop giving in to how lonely I am.

I'm... just so sorry.

I've been really sorry, all day.

People always say how I push others away. And I'm well aware that I do. I just don't know how to keep people close to me anymore. I get scared. Hurt. I hurt easily... way more easily than I'd ever like to admit to myself or anyone else... but y'know!

This is what blogs are for.

Sadness. Ranting. Archiving it so I can look at my thoughts later and think, "Good lord, I'm so glad I'm not in that mindset anymore."

This blog has also been... one of the few places where I can think, uncensored.

Well, mostly uncensored. I have too many readers who have feelings to not be censored at all.

(I've already failed to meet my blog's original purpose. Oh well.)

I don't know. I don't know. I'm just so sorry.

Sorry for the drama, the pain, the stupid confusions I've caused this year...

See, I've always had this issue with self-esteem. If you've ever read this blog before, you know that. It's quite obvious.

But I've not doubted who I am... in quite some time.

Maybe I'm a problem. Maybe I'm too selfish. Too ambitious. Too uncaring and headstrong... never giving myself a break is what I do best. I'm also happiest when I'm busy. Idle hands are depression's playground. Ew. Cliche as fuck, but twisty cliche!

Stupid stupid stupid.

Why am I so stupid? Argh. So dumb. Can't see so many things. Always want what I can't have, what I can't reach.
I always want what I can't have because I believe in the impossible. Stupid. Stupid fucking dreamer, dude.

I spent the entire day in bed today. Watched anime until 8:30. Then I watched Mean Girls. Then I took a shower. Now I'm here, moping about on the internet. I feel pathetic. Not the kind of cute lazy pathetic that I perform, but really, really, pathetic.

There's too many lies going on in my head right now. I'm trying to convince myself of too many things.

Too many injured frendships that I will prolly just let slide, 'cause I don't have the mental capacity to deal with the anxiety that comes along with wanting to resolve things...

I'm scared of myself. And the person I've become. I've changed. I'm not the girl I was a few years ago. Not at all.

And for the first time in a long time, I don't know if I am okay with the person I am.

Er, going back to the self-esteem issues.

Have never thought I was pretty.
Have always thought I'm pretty fucking awesome.

I've always blamed my personality insecurities on my physical appearance.

Ex: I'm utterly convinced my acne comes from how stressed I am.
I'm stressed because I have massive anxiety issues.
I'm not exactly sure where my massive anxiety issues came from... but I'm gonna guess it prolly has something to do with not having the ability to trust people as much as I'd like....

Er, uh, I don't know.

Can we call this post soul-searching? I feel like I'm looking for something. A certain thought.

Or maybe I keep typing, because I know what that thought is, but am still too afraid to put it into written words. Y'know, the only language I speak/understand clearly?

Yeah, uh, I'ma be typing for a while longer if that's the case. Hah. XD

'CAUSE I DUNNNNOOO, BROOOO.

Oh! Wait!

Back to me hating my appearance:

I was talking to Ryan, once, and he told me:

"Darlene, people don't like you not because of what you look like, but because you're just too much for them. You're kinda crazy, y'know?"

At least, those words seem more of my own, but that's what I got out of it.

That was also right after he told me he didn't consider me to be one of his best friends...

So maybe I took it wrong? Maybe I was a little hurt... Hm...

Either way -- if I interpreted what he said correctly or no -- it got me to thinkin'.

Darlene, you're too crazy.

What makes me too crazy? Too much to handle? I don't understand. I was gonna say is it because I'm too honest with myself, and the rest of the world, but, yeah, that's funny... I'm totally not honest with myself, nor the world. Don't think I ever have been. Sure, I don't tell lies. I don't do things maliciously. That's just not me. But like... avoiding white elephants, pushing issues out of my mind, isn't that even worse? Isn't lying to yourself the worst thing you can do..?

FUCKING HELL I DON'T EVEN KNOOOOOOOOOOW.

And I keep wondering about Rubino.

Why me?
Whywhywhy...

I know he'd not really like me to say anything -- but, like, I really kind of need to/want to.

The want creates the need. I'm awful at bottling my feelings up, y'see?

Ug I just want to ask him so bad... why did that night happen? What the fuck?

My brain is so confused.

Erm. Hrm. That's not what this is about.

But maybe it is. Maybe this post is just about everything, ever, too.

Ugh... so many things on my mind.

Spring cleaning... so much clutter and junk in this head 'o mine...

Mmmmm... Tanner... so much to say about him...

But, as I feel right now, at this very moment, all I can think is, "Dear lord, I miss him."

It's been hard accepting that I'm not special to him anymore. Really hard. I actually thought I'd always have a special relationship with him. Dumb dumb dummmmb~

Tanner only cares about girls who don't make him uncomfortable. Who don't point out his flaws... who don't yell at him across the dinner table...

I understand why he doesn't care anymore. And it hurts, because both of us are far too stubborn to concede our view to be close again.

I'm always gonna think he talks down to me.
He's always gonna think otherwise.

I just... wish we could be friends again. But I can never, ever, pretend that there's not things that bother me about him again...

I will forever stick by my own thoughts -- until they're proven wrong... and I actually believe they're wrong. My greatest ally is myself.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here. I'm just really sad.

Oh. I do want to say that you were right about Smolich, Jacob.
One-hundred-complete-freakin'-percent-correct.

Yay, that's off my chest!

I don't know what else to talk about right now. I'm getting tired...

Can't wait to get back to SC tomorrow. I'm so sad about Alec, though.

Love the kid to death. Breaks my heart...

~.~

Maybe I feel a little better, maybe?

MORE MORE Boys Boys Boys!

SO MANY BOYS.

Well, not really. Or really? Fuck, I don't know.

See, I was a little sad on Saturday, 'cause I invited some people over, and then nobody responded to me at all, and I was like, d'awww, I'm just being crazy, thinking anyone would like me enough to respond to me...

Blahblahblah, emo emo, got rid of that LAST NIGHT, dumb bitch brain.

Anyway, woke up this mornin' and got a text from Boy #1... poor guy was stuck in Bonny Doon all night without phone reception...

And earlier tonight, I got a response from Ginger Kid... he was in the bay at his friend's birthday party...

I felt much better, after.

Gonna invite Ginger Kid to Tanner's party next weekend. I expect very good results. And by very good results, I'm hoping I might actually end up having legit feelings for him. That'd be cool, 'cause as life is going right now, most men bore the living hell out of me. Haha.

I think Boy #1 would be scared of how hardcore we party, so imma invite him over when we're not planning on a 40 person free-for-all drinkfest... XD

Oh man, in relation to our parties, I really gotta say:

Those fuckin' orgy-porgy parties we throw, man, they're the greatest.

So much sex, drugs, and alcohol...

Don't even know how many dicks I've sucked in the last week, fuck!

Whatever. Excited for times to come. Keeping my head up, keeping strong, rollin' awesome. IT'S WHAT I DO. :)

MORE Boys Boys Boys!

Fucking holy God shit sticks.

Now I think Ginger Kid likes me, too.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON I DON'T EVEN

o.O

Well, he likes me, or he's a very touchy person.

I can't decide about what to do about these boys.

Guy from education is very outgoing, funny, charismatic, intelligent and amazing with kids...

Ginger Kid is cute, intelligent, also a lit major, and really fun to be around...

Damned boys. GAAAAHHH!!

Boys Boys Boys!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH BOYYSSS

Homan. Whoababy. Boysboysboys.

I think this dude in my education class likes meh. :3
and then there's ginger kid in lit section who is pretty fun and stuff...

idk...

then there's Will, who I keep forgetting to talk to XD

whoops...

Damned boys, 'causin' so much trouble 'n shit. Makin' me think 'bout their faces... too much work. Good lord.

Meh. I'm excited to see what happens in the coming weeks!

I feel like I always am, though...

Whatever!

Last Night... I Don't Even...

So. Ryan's birthday party.

I woke up in Michael Rubino's bed.

WHAT THE FUCCCCCCCCKKK XDD

Fucking awesome party, dude. Every part of it. :)

Didn't take no hits off the booooong, for all ya'll lurkers who need some clarification... just played around a 'lil y'hear?

Total confidence boost. XD

Had an amazing time. So much fun. So much soft. Haha. Ehe. Ohohohoho~!

Well, the kind of hella sketch people made it a little weird, but I wasn't very concerned nor worried about them in the least. Had other things on my mind... 

Teo gave Cooper and I the most entrancing light show ever. My brain still cannot comprehend all the pretty colors...

and the music.
THE MUSIC.
THE MUSIC WAS SO DAMN FANTASTIC HOMYGOD.

So much love for the Bad Romance remix. It was sexy. That's all I can think to say about it.

Kendal heard me giggling! AHHH! Makes me blush. :3

...I heard people running to the bathroom to vomit.

MAKES ME BLUSH.

...yay vomit

We need to have more parties that consist of the amazing awesomeness that was February 12th.

Date Night!

So I finally got to go out with that guy I've been talkin' to for a bit.

It was nice. I think he was terrified though, like super nervous. Poor guy. :)

On the bus ride there, there was a super-intense couple more or less making out in front of me. Was awkward. But they smelled amazing. So I got my creep on for the night!

We went to the Surf Rider Cafe (hella good, mmmmm!) and had dinner for like, 3 hours. That's a good sign, right? But sometimes it seemed like I just talked, for 3 hours. Oh man. My brain. Then we went for ice cream at the Pacific Cookie Company! Max was there, but he didn't recognize me. Meh. While we were eating ice cream, this kind of cracked out person asked if they could use my phone, and I just let him. Will kept staring at me and smiling, prolly trying to convey "Da fuck?" annnnnnnnd I just kept smiling at him, mumbling, "ooooh life," and attempting to get, "I just wanna be nice to the guy!" across to him. It only took a few minutes, anyway. We were more or less done after that, and he waited at the metro with me, which honestly took forever 'cause OMG buses blow past 10 PM on the weekends. Annnnnywaaaaaaaaay. I think he likes me. I think I might like him. Needs a second date. *shrug*

Later, after I got home, I got a few random ass calls from what seemed to be an intoxicated old black woman. Very amusing. Message saved. 

I really want him to come over to my apt, 'cause my friends are hella nice and there's Brawl and he might feel more comfortable, and open up a bit. It'd be cool.

ADD.

CHANGED BACKGROUND AGAIN. FELT LIKE PINK. LIKE ZEBRAS.

QKDIWSUBFKSJDNBGWIUFRNV NOT GONNA GET TO TALK TO WILL, HAS TO SLEEP.

SAD.

W;PDKNMGW9IREUOHTNBKESFNFVKAH48TIWHTG

More Axolotls!

EVER SINCE I WROTE ABOUT THESE LITTLE GUYS I LIKE THEM A LOOOOOOOOT.

AND THIS IS REALLY CUTE:



I'M REALLY COMFORTABLE, THEREFORE THIS BLOG POST IS IN ALL CAPS.

I'M WAITING FOR WILL (READ: CUTE GUY I'VE BEEN CHATTING WITH LATELY) TO FINISH SOME PROJECT SO I CAN CHAT WITH HIM FOR ABOUT 30 MINUTES BECAUSE I HAVE TO GET UP AT THE CRACK OF DAWN BECAUSE FUCK EVERYTHING. OMG CAPS ARE SOOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOL.

MY LEGS FEEL SO AMAZING. SO DOES MY HAIR. I LOVE SHOWERS. I LOVE SAYING "I'M GOING OFF TO GET HOT, WET, AND NAKED."

MWAHAHAHAHAHA. MURRRRHURHURHUR ♥

CUTE CUTE CUTE CUTE



AND SUPER CUTE DOOOOOOOOOOOODLES IN PINK!
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
MAN, I THINK I'M BORED. PHILLIP MADE US BANANA PANCAKES.AND WE PUT NUTELLA ON THEM. WHICH WOULD BE TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME, EXCEPT, I'VE GOT TO WRITE ON DEREK ATTERIDGE AGAIN. FUCK MEEEE!
GOD DAMNED STUPID LIT CLASSES TAKIN' OVER MY LIFE 'N SHIT.
I DO HOMEWORK FOR FUN NOW. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.
AT LEAST WHEN I WAS OBSESSED WITH VIDEO GAMES, I FELT LIKE I ACCOMPLISHED SOME THINGS WITH MY DAY... XD DUNNO HOW THAT WORKS, BRO.

OMG CAPS. OMG CAPS. SO MANY CAPS FOR SO MUCH COMFORT. I THINK I MAY CHANGE THE FONT OF THIS POST TO MAKE IT EASIER ON THE EYES, THOUGH.

OR MAYBE I FEEL LIKE THIS POST IS FUNNY, IN SOME STUPID IRONIC WAY THAT ONLY I CAN FIND FUNNY.
MAYBE. I'VE GOT AN ODD SENSE OF HUMOR. BUT EMMY LIKED MY GAGA HUMOR, SO IT'S GOOD. ^^/

OH RIGHT, CUTE DOODLE:
WAIT, BEFORE DOODLE:

I ONLY WROTE ALL THAT SHIT SO THERE COULD BE SOME TEXT IN BETWEEN PICTURES. I DON'T LIKE THE WAY A BUNCH OF PICTURES ALL TOGETHER LOOKS. 'CAUSE I'M CRAZY, AND KIND OF OCD.

NOW, DOODLE:


EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

WELL

Turn of events.

Darlene is sooooo bi-polar.

MWAHAHAHAHAH :DD

Thanksgivins! :DD

Ooooooooh man, what a GOOD BREAK.

Get home Weds around like, 8. Did nothing. Only boring day of break... hah

Turkey Day: went to some neat ass hotel built in the 1800s in Volcano. Ate hella good food. Had an exceptional time with Mom, Marc & Waylon... Went to Denny's with Matt, Chris, and Jacob. Had a grilled cheese filled with mozzarella sticks dipped in cheese sauce. HomyGod, delicious heart attack, go! Went to Rory's to say hi after. Watched Aaron dance. (HE'S SO WHITE ♥ XD) Enjoyed self until random douche dude and his friend showed up. Left and went to sreeps.

Black Friday: went to the outlets. Made out like a bandit. Prolly spent too much money. Bought pants that didn't fit. URRRGH! Had an awesome time with the BFF, Cindy. Missed her so much. Went back to her place for a bit, said hi to the wonderful Specert family, and then went out for delicious delicious sushhhiis! 11 people showed. (Me, Jacob, Bree, Chelsea, Aaron, Matt, Chris, Ryan Miller, Matt Smolich, Ryan's sister Rachel, & Dean!) I felt super special. Ryan Miller's sister is a SLUG! We had a great time chatting about UCSC-esque things. Super happy. Love the neon lights and glittery purple post things that hold up the ceiling. Awesome times were had. People left sushis and went off to party. Smolich, Jacob and I went back to his place and played some Crystal Chronicles. Boob Squad > life. Really glad I finally got to meet Smolich, he's hella cool. Chris showed up at Jacob's later and MineCrafted his heart out. The entertainment, it was so intense. Passed out around 2.

Saturday: went to Sunrise Mall to get my hair done. My hair person is the greatest, ever. I've got to learn how to drive for her. Haircut is hella cute! Mom bought me my Christmas present early -- a purple and black plaid skirted peacoat. Yeah motherfucker, it's awesome. :D Went back to Pac Sun to return jeans that didn't fit, got three pairs (instead of two) for twenty dollars more, and fell in love with the store's manager. Hella good deals yaaay! AND NOW I HAVE PANTS THAT FIT. OMG. Got home around 3-ish, I think, and finished Logan's friendship bracelet. Then went sock shopping with Jacob... ate delicious delicious pizza at Cheeser's, then Chris met up with us. We all went back to Jacob's, watched some anime... and then Aaron showed up. After, went to Taco Bell. Did not eat Taco Bell. Then went to go pick up Matty out of butt-fuck nowhere. Srsly. Got kind of car sick on the way, and it took about an hour. You're lucky we love you so much, Matty! Went back to Jacob's. Matt and Chris left to get cars/controllers. Aaron watched Jacob play MineCraft, I went through Matt's iPod pictures. Midnight. Matt and Chris return with their bounty. We Vesperia. We destroy balloons. WE PULL OUR HAIR OUT TAKING RIDICULOUS ORDERS AT 3 IN THE FUCKING MORNING. We are rewarded with French maids and kitty cat costumes. Victory is achieved. Vesperiaing continues until 4:30 AM. Pass out at about... 5:30 AM.

Tales of Vesperia!

Sunday: Wake up around noon, fuck that shit, wake up again around 1:30. Had a dream about a boy. (!) Shower, dress, internet, 4:00. Go shopping for foods for potluck with Jacob. Buy salad and green beans. Make green beans at home, add salt and pepper and make them amazing! Watch a little terrible television, and head out to College Group. Arrive at College Group, proceed with hella days hugs and greetings. SO HAPPY TO SEE EVERYONE! Chat while the finishing touches and other stuff goes on. Play with Charlotte ♥. Eat the fuck out of some turkey, after saying grace of course! HAH! Eat the fuck out of some lemon custard pie. Dean is the greatest. Make postcards for poor 10 year old girl with terminal cancer. Feel good about possibly making her life a little more happier. Give more hugs, roll out. Home. End of break.

It was good. So good. :]

Can't wait to get back to SC tomorrow and see my beautiful people there. I feel weird not seeing some people for more than like, 12 hours. Like... y'know, the ones that live in my house? ♥

Gonna make Cory's bracelet tomorrow on the train. Prolly won't finish it, but it'll be done before winter break!

Passin' the fucccck out soon, gotta get up at 7:30... :/

Nighty, blog!

The Weekend of the Captain!

I've sure been doin' a lot of these recap thinggers lately... prolly 'cause I've got time on the weekends to blog blog blog 'til my daddy takes my computer away~ ♪♪

Man, that's silly. Duurrrrrr hurrrr hurrrr ...

So, wtf am I goin' to talk about today? I guess I should start with Friday, don't think anything huge and/or significant happened during the week.

Friday was cool: Rocky Horror. My friend Stephanie was Janet, and she was adorable. So awesome. I danced on stage with Ana and Cory, and it totally made my night! Besides, my legs looked awesome in those heels. Ohhh baby. :]

Ladies!

That night basically consisted of Cpt. Morgan, Rocky, order pizza, pass out. It was good, it was chill. No depressed Darlene, ftw.

THE NEXT DAY! Saturday!

I got up and dressed around noon. Left my place around 1:45. Went to a house on Ocean street for a house show. Stayed until like, 6 something. Silly Creature was awesome, as usual, Time Machine was... pretty good? And Zeyphr's band was a FUNK band and it impressed me quite a bit! So cool! Voto was also there for a while makin'... beats? Or something... dunno... with a pedal board. Neat neat neat!

After that, Pranov and I went to Taco Bell. We feasted. Crunchwraps, hooo!
Wes was also with us. Is it bad that I'm basically totally sketched out by him? Hah...
THEN we went to the Pacific Cookie Company to see Max (Pranov's friend) annnnnnnnnnd we got some cookies. I had a chocolate covered snickerdoodle.

Friends are good, right? I think so.

We went to the downtown house for a bit afterward. I think Pranov was in the bathroom or something, because Wes and I were chillin' in the front room by our lonesomes for a while. Sort of weird, but whatever. We decided to roll out to Church House early to try and avoid the storm getting any worse. Dunno if it was a good call or not... heh

We ended up at Church House at like 7:40. 'Bout 20 mins early, but there were people there already anyway. No biggie. We just attempted to dry off and hung out for a bit. Church House has stadium seating now and it's awesome!

Riley showed up next. The boys had some beer, they were content. A little wet, but content~ ♪♪

Then Cory, Freshman, Logan, and Tanner showed up. I was joined on the couch for a bit, but then people were like "HOMYGOD BEER PONG GOOOOOO!" Annnd I ended up warmin' the couch by myself for a while. Was nice. Relaxing. I was super tired from the like... 4 hours of music earlier, anyway.

I finally got up to go watch some pong. I was interested in their rules... comapin' 'em to our Rancho rules. We play hardcore pong in the 'Cho. Intense shit, y'know?

I feel like Rory would have been proud. Hah.

Anyway, during that, I heard there was more rum. Cpt. Morgan again. Mmmm. I had myself a shot. A tasty tasty shot... and then made myself some rum and coke. Def my favorite drink... :)

Downed that pretty quick, then had another shot. 'Twas my alcohol intake for the night... because the rum disappeared quickly...

Phrase of the night.

Oh then Voto showed up... and I was like heeeeeeeeey~!

I feel like I def drunk hit on him. A lot. S'ok. Liquid courage goooooooo!

But, at the end of the night, I managed to ask him if he'd like to spend some time together sometime, and he gave me a rather excited yes. Pretty sweet, dude!

BUT I got no number... lolfail... Tanner def got it... DERRRRP.

I also dunno if he was so excited 'cause he was drunk, too. Merp. Self-doubt, hooo!

So, the bands that played were pretty good. Six in one day. Was like a festival. In my backyard. SO COOL. (I ♥ SC!)

I can't remember the third band's name, but of course, our loves, Under a Western Sky played, and another new (?) band named In the Airplane played as well. Was a good show. Under a Western Sky created a mosh pit, as usual. Was a rather intense one. I was sitting off to the side (with Voto, btw, GLEEEEEEEEEE) and I got hit in the mouth, and then someone knocked my glasses off and one of the nose pieces def scratched my face a bit. Ooow. OH well. If I had actually been in that pit, I prolly would have died. Was fun watching my friends go, though!

Freshman said he got like, 4 concussions. I dunno man. I dunno.

Blaaargg. So the music ended around 11, and everyone was intoxicated enough already so we decided to roll back onto campus. Was prolly a good call.

The bus was stupid full when we got on, the bus driver was hella legit and let WAY more of us than he should have (by bus company type thing regulations)... it was awesome.

I didn't have anything to hold on to, so I kind of kept falling over. Sorry, Riley & Tanner. XD

When we went past the UCSC guard thing, all of us in the front ducked. It was so funny.

The bus also died twice. Succcccccccch an awesome bus ride! Yahooo! :]

Yep. Anyway. Made it back to Porter. Drank another shot (forgot about that one!), went to my room, hung out for a bit. Tanner ordered a shit load of pizza... blah blah blah watched some YouTube videos...

I think I almost cried again. Def almost went into depressed drunk Darlene mode again. Meh.

Whenever I feel bad, though, the guys always tell me, "it could be worse, you could have a dick."

I dunno how that's supposed to make me feel better. At all.

And I kept saying, "I hate my life" last night... I do, sort of. Lately I've been really, really down. Can't find a relationship... I miss them so much... don't have that special person to just bond with, don't have that person to just love me for who I am. It's so hard to live without that when I know how good it is, and when I lived with it for so long. ARRGGHH.

(There was a point in the night where I was looking at your name in my phone, considering things...)

I'm well aware that people are worse off than me. Shit dude, I always try my best to eat every once of food I take from the d-hall because I am so aware of things. I always try my best to appreciate things. I get pissed as fuck when people don't appreciate the things they have... I def say, "I hate my life" versus "My life is so terrible." I don't have to like my life, even if it's a rather okay one. Mother fuckin' Great Gatsby, anyone? Urg.

I don't know why I'm so particularly upset. Oh well~

This week is Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving break. I need it. Bad. Can't wait to see my family and friends in the 'Cho! I especially miss Cindy, my Mom, my broski-bro, and Matty. Always miss Matty. Oh and Chris and Brittainy, too! Always, I want to be with them! HAH!

Man, this post reeks of retarded-ness sometimes. Oh well.

Overall, was a pretty good weekend. Now I gotta read shit fo' class, and shower, and eat, and get on with my life!

There's tomorrow to worry about: gotta edit my paper, finish my readings, and... y'know... get ready to go home. :)

I'm gonna be rollin' out on Weds. Weds afternoon, headin' home on the 17.

I'm excited. Gonna make so many friendship bracelets.

Oh and dude, Freshman gave me an iPod (!!!) so I can listen to music on the way home! ♥

Such a good Freshman.

Such good musics.

Annnnnnnnnd in celebration of our liquor of choice!:

So I'm STILL a Dumb Ass...

But I handled shit. I HANDLED SHIT. YEAAAAH!

Everything is okay. I feel normal. And okay. And better about myself.

I'm also hella hungry. D-hall better have some good food tonight. Srsly.

I got an article to write! Aiyee!

Nothing will happen. I will get over it. I will not care next week. Yep.

...I need to go to some parties and find me a man. ARGH! Haaaah...

Yeah, well, whatever. Blog is blog is blog is blog... I just want to be more open, more honest, more me. I like me. I'm a good person and I'm happy being me... yay.

Blah de blah blah, none of this should have ever been posted. If it causes drama, I am going to first be upset, and second have a nice chuckle.

Uh huh. Life. Life is okay. Or maybe even good? Maybe?

So I'm a Dumb Ass...

That's seriously how I feel right now.

Not in my right mind.

HURRR DERRRP.

I wanna go chat with people.

Stupid optimistic today. Gonna crash hard.

God damnit. lol

Weekend Recap!

ALRIGHT.

This weekend was good.

Like, perfectly good.

Except Ana was at home. :( I love my roommate!

Oh and Logan and Freshman were, too. Derp. :D

(I missed them all, srsly.)

Tanner's friend Bouset came to visit. I really liked her. She really likes purple, too! ♥

Friday we watched V for Vendetta (Nov. 5th, bitches!), and then Castle in the Sky. Both were awesome.

We also wandered outside to go play on the carousel. It was good. We kind of planned an orgy as well, s'good shit man.

Saturday, I woke up and went to FRL! I freaking love Fish Rap, it's the greatest. Got done there at like 3. I now know how to use In-Design! Yahoo!

Theeeeeeeen me, Mark & Cam went downtown to buy the good noms. Bought good noms and a bag of Sour Patch Kids & Sweedish Fish. Everyone was overjoyed for the fish and kids. Mmmmm, candy!

Saturday night... we got drunk and played Mario Kart.  

BEST IDEA EVER.

Michael Jackson and Batman reside in the Wii here. It is awesome. 

We're gonna drink the rest of the stuff on Weds, and play moaaarrr! No class on Thursday ftw! ^^/

In other news, I think I am now the group drunkard.

I woke up this morning with my shots numbered on my fingers (5, 4, 3, 2, 1) and then "I ♥ shots! :)" on my hand.

lol.

I also started playing Fable III today. HELLA FUN.

But back to me being drunk as fuck. I def passed out in my bed last night.

I also apparently confirmed that I am bisexual last night. I don't remember.

Not that anyone was surprised...

There was one more thing that I apparently "confirmed" last night...

Alec said it was noticable that I kinda like Riley.

I'm scared. XD

I'm prolly gonna say something to him sometime soon. But God damn I feel like a dumb ass. I also feel like... I have a man, Riley's single type of crush. Not like intense feelings or anything. That'd be silly. And mostly suicidal. I want to live. And keep my friends. Haha. It's not like Riley would ever be interested in me, anyway. Haaaah.

OH FRIENDS. RIGHT. I HAS THEM.

I has a Kendal Korn. And I would like her to know that it is okay. Everything is okay and I love her to death. Yeppity yep yep.

Let's see... what else...

Oh,

Feelings for Logan are mostly gone. He's just a freaking attractive person. Bastard. lol

Finally got to talk to Freshman. Was good. Horribly good..? Either way, things are clear now. Thank God. I can freak out 15 times less now.

Got a test on Weds. Gonna be studying a lot. Fuckin' shit, dude.

I feel like there was something else I was gonna say, but I forgot. Le sigh.

Oh well. Sleepy time..? I guess. Tired. Tired-ish and bored...

My Life is Okay.

Yep. Okay.

Not good, not great, not oh man, I'm rivalin' Santa's jollyness,

but it's okay.

So I don't get everything I want. That's okay.

Okaaaaaaaaay.

Blarg. Whatever! Ahaaaaaaa

I'm sick. Stupid plague.

BUT I still went dancin' last night. Was so fun. ♥

Though I'm sad Mark didn't really have a good time. More than likely just not his thing. I love him anyway. :)

Cory and I taught Logan how to dance. It was spectacular.

And Tanner was awesome to dance with!! SO FUN! :D

I sang myself hoarse. Ugh.

Typing is so much easier than speaking right now.

Oh God I just coughed on my laptop's screen. Hell dude... XD

I finished The Guild. :( Need something new to watch... prolly will do Firefly finally.

It's so weird, being in on a Saturday night. I feel like I need to be doing things. Or be nothere. It's good to take a break though, especially because my abs are going to be super ripped from coughing so much! Yeeeeeeaaaaah...

Ryan's off seeing Brytnny. I bet they're so adorably happy right now! I'm happy knowing that they're having a good time. ♥

So there's this guy in my dance class that's really cute and friendly, but I can't figure out if he's gay or not. lol. Everyone says it could be either way! ARGH! hah

Bleeeeeeeeeeeh... kinda don't really care anyway.

More things! Going to Fish Rap on Tuesday! Told James Shea I'd be there tonight. :] So exciting!! I LOVE FRL!

Oh. I can go to FRL! because I dropped stupid LALS 80G. Good prof., but too much work for me to want to take the class for just freakin' GEs. GEs are so damned easy to get, why stress myself out over a class I could give 0 fucks about?

Now I'm in Earth Catastrophes with Cam, Miguel, and Logan. So exciting. Even though I basically just sleep through it. Whatever. I liked the killer meteors movie. I WAS AWAKE FOR IT!!

Blah blah blah blah blah... blah.

D-hall sucked tonight. Fuckin' College 8.

Went to Sushi Totoro on Friday. Was fantastic. Tried mocchi (sp?) for the first time. So amazingly delicious. Gummy ice cream stuff omg yay mouth so happy...

I don't freakin' know dude. I'm just okay. Maybe I'd be happy if I weren't sick. Don't really know, don't really care, because I'm sick anyway! Woo....

Casey's big audition is tomorrow. I hope for everyone and the world's sake that she makes it. I feel like she's got a good chance, but yeah, it's all up to them.

I'm listening to Prince now. Love him. Especially 'cause we're dancin' to New Position in jazz dance. LOVE JAZZ DANCE.

Man, this is a lot of ADD rambling. Meh. Whaaaaaaateveeeeer. What else do I have to do? Right. Nothing.

I got a bodice today. Gonna rock Rocky Horror like a damned pro. It's gonna be so hot. Ehehehehehee. >:)

Yeah... well.... I think I'm done for now. Yep.

I'm Fightin' My Feelings

...and it's not going so well.

My brain just doesn't understand... ug...

Overview of the Weekend

K so -- things started out with Date Night!

Which went really well. Like really, really well.

Exceeeeeeept for the fact that for some God awful stupid reason I don't like him.

Stupid stupid stupid. ARGH.

Anyway, realization of not liking said person so much killed half a Saturday with bad feelings.

Then people showed up.

And there was booze.

And I was intoxicated quickly.

And bad feelings sort of went away. 

Freshman gave me a lot of candy! And Red Bull! Mmmmmm! :]

Then Michael showed up... some balls were tripped.

I think I spent time in my room then, trying not to freak out, I guess.

I ended up wandering between my room and the living room...

Theeeen I pulled Logan out to talk...

Admitted that I still like him 'n stuff... (!)

Talked about some other things...

annnnnnd sort of cried all over him a little bit...

Oh dear.

After talking with Logan, I went upstairs to talk to Ryan...

Who of course, just made me feel better. Gotta love Ryan!

After that, it was like 11 already and we proceeded to leave Porter and head to Rayne's.

Housewarming party, of course!

Finally got to talk to Michael. Thanks Logan for shoving me out the door!  Everything there is now "fixed."

We were having a blast there (lesbian orgy in the closet! ♥), but her new housemates freaked Rayne out and stuff...

Which, y'know, turned things a little sour. Just a little.

We headed out at like... 2 - 2:30? Dunno. Just went to Kendal's place for a bit. Alec and Logan ended up crashing there... They have a really freaking cute kitty.

Left Kendal's at like 3 AM, got back to Porter, and proceeded to pass the fuck out.

Now it's morning... and I'm just like... holy good fuck, what the hell do I do with my life?

I guess I should take a shower. Go eat at the d-hall. Do normal things.

I did everything I wanted to last night... mission accomplished... but I didn't really think of what might happen this week and today. Kind of worried because some shit did go down last night.

Well. Actually. I don't think anything is going to happen. I'm just gonna go back to being somewhat lonely single me who has hardly any interest in anyone. I feel like I have a switch... and someone turned it off... or that somehow, I've learned to be so emotionally detached to people though the craziness of my life, that it's hard for me to have feelings for anyone outside of my friend group. Geeeeeeeeeeez my brain hurts.

Oh and most of Porter now knows I'm crazy as fuck. I'm not really the most quiet person.

OH WELL. :)

All Bad.

I've been on some awesome dates in the past two weeks.

But there's still no emotional attachment for me...

ARGH!

I like this guy 'cause he's cute, nice, tells me I'm pretty and is a damned good kisser... I guess.

Dunno...

Dear problem, fix yourself? Please?