The Need to Write!

SOOOOOOO today in 102!

I was thinking, since we were just going over Benjamin again,

Man, I really want to write about Vanquish. Hahahaha.

Then I laughed at how nostalgic, nerdy, and fantastic I am.

Then I laughed at Alex being passed out because he stayed up until 6 AM finishing our paper for the class.

What a goof!

Anyway, so like, I was all supppppper down to start writing again.

Then I realized: shit, bro, I don't have any time for this shit!

Eh. Not really. I think I'm more just scared that my writing will end up as bad like, FFXI fanfiction. I don't wanna do that.

I do not have a lot of time, though. I mean, that's sort of true.

Then again, I have the time right now to be writing this...

Let's stop talking about me and time, 'aight?

Hrm... so now yeah okay~!

Writing. I want to write about Vanquish as a set of short stories that kinda are a memoir. They'd be Memoirs of a White Mage. Hhahahahaa.

I don't know why I laugh at writing about FFXI and the people I met there so much... maybe it's because society finds internet relationships to be petty jokes and not real in any sense -- and the connotations that go along with playing a MMO are just freakin' crazy... as in crazy negative...

Maybe I'm still afraid to step out of my comfort zone.

Funny, I know that once I do, I can produce something amazing.

But maybe I'm just not ready for that yet. Maybe I'm not ready because I don't feel that I have the adequate brain time to use on writing. Shit, man, I'd prolly only be able to write like a few pages a day, if that. Y'know, providing I was in the right mood to be writing at all. Homan--

Either way, there's been a lot on my mind recently. I've been spending a lot of time with Jacob, and it's made me really relaxed, peaceful, and happy. Though I feel as if I am being selfish, because my communication with Ryan has dropped substantially this week. I hope he doesn't think that I all of a sudden think ill of him -- as his crazy brain might do -- I just am like, happy as I am right now and am too selfish to want to change any of that at the moment.

Then again, why should I ever change my plans if they involve me being less happy? :/ Right?

Man. Everything is so crazy right now. Well, everything forever is crazy. That's just kinda how life is....

Tonight the Stellar Corpses are playing at the Catalyst. I don't think I'm going. I just like, won't feel right there. I'm not a psychobilly type of girl, y'know? I don't even know how to type the word correctly. I think the culture is cool, and I really appreciate it, but I'm not the type of person who can participate in a mosh pit -- even if it's the nicest most pit that ever existed! I can't deal with physical discomfort very well. It really affects my thinking and thought processes... no bueno, dude.

Also tonight: Silly Creature is playing at Kresge Town Hall aka 2 feet away from my apt. I haven't seen r00b, Nate, or Keyhan for a long time, and I'd really like to show those guys that I still enjoy Silly Creature, and that I support them! Besides, I'm also contemplating wearing my fish net shirt to the show to mess with Rubino. Hahahaha.

Oi, everything ever. Again. Everything ever in my head. Did you know I can write for days, dear blogger? I think you do, but sometimes, when my archive looks thin, I think you question my ability to write. I do too, though, so, maybe all of this thinking is kinda pointless. Maybe I should write a book all in stream-of-consciousness. That'd be really cool. It'd also prolly contain a lot of typos. Can I use spellcheck if I'm typing in stream-of-consciousness? Hahahaha. I think what I'm writing now is kinda stream-of-consciousness, and I used spellcheck to spell consciousness correctly... so... I guess it counts. Meh. Dunno. Too philosophical for me at the moment!

Erg so like later, I really want to write a super-awesome and long blog post about that teacher that I tried to get to know on Tumblr. I have no idea why he didn't respond to me. He prolly either thinks that I'm some goob ass undergrad without a brain OR doesn't actually have the time for a social life. I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt, because he is a teacher, and a very devoted teacher, so I think it is plausible that he could've had something more important to do than to chat with some random person on Tumblr. I just wish that he would've talked to me... I think he's so cool and smart and awesome and just like! Ugh. I would like to talk to someone who's just ahead of me in life so baaaaaaaaaad. I mean, the fact that he's adorable as shit doesn't bother me at all, either, but still. I'm not looking for a relationship right now. There's kinda one smacking me in the face currently. Oi. To be fair, I don't know if smacking is the right word to use. It implies that I'm not happy, or am like, forced into my current relationship situation. And I'm not. I do what I want. Like forever. Forever forever. Did you know that I freaking love language? Gosh, it's like the most interesting thing eveeer! But, then again, I prolly love the study of literature more. I dunno. I wonder what Tanner got on his paper. I'm really curious. Because I'm a bad person. Oh well.

Saturday night kinda sucked. It's a good thing this weekend has arrived now, though, because I think it's about to be a good one!

Also: heard Steve was more... of not my type of person. Interesting. Still willing to investigate, but like, significantly less interested in anything with him. I guess that's what the investigating is for, right? Hah!

Man. I keep talking about all of these things and people floating around and around and around in my head, but I never seem to talk about the things that are really, really important to me. Oh well. I don't know if I'm okay with my heart and soul on the internet -- just my brain works a lot better for me.

But wait. Is my brain my heart and soul? OH SHIT PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION TIMEEEEE

Oi, man, everything ever. Everything ever. Abbey is coming over on the 25th. I'm really excited to see her and how she's grown over the past few years. I think she's an incredible young lady, and never, ever gives herself enough credit for how far she's come. I guess that's where I come in, eh? :D

We're gonna watch Velvet Goldmine. It has Ewan McGregor naked in it. Hahahaha. 'Cause, y'know, I totally watch movies for a single aesthetic moment. Whatever. lol  I really hope I can get Kim to come over, too, because Goddamn I miss her. She's the freaking best.

UGGGGGGH. Could write forever. Forever and ever.

Whatevs.

I think I'm done for now. My brain isn't functioning as I'd like it to be to continue.

Don't ask me why -- 'cause I don't wanna think about it.

But then again, blogger, you don't ask me questions... you just sit here and allow me to fill you with my thoughts. So non-judgmental. I love it.

Meh. Ta-ta for now, motherfucker!

So, It's Been a While.

I've more or less dropped out of the blogging scene as of late, and there's only one reason I can give for my absence: I'm happy.

Yes, this is probably going to end up being a sappy post about how much I love Ryan.
If you're not down with that, you might as well stop following my blog now, because there's gonna be a lot about Ryan in the next... however long we're together or so. All I gotta say is, in life, food, school, and my boyfriend are pretty much the most important things to me. My family too, y'know, but I'm not as close to my family as most of the other people I know. Shit I forgot to mention my friends -- man I'm a bad person sometimes, but hell, half the time I consider ya'll family anyway... meh... gonna stop talking about crap that doesn't need to be said...

Well, anyway... I just wanted to stop in a post a little something. See, I've got this issue where I need to blog at least once a month, because I want my archive to make sense. When I first started blogging, there were a few months were there were no posts for that month, and now I am upset with that because I like my archive to look pretty. Blogging and how my blog looks is srs buisness.

I sort of feel some reflection upon my life might be good, anyway. I guess I just got tired of it, or because I'm not lonely anymore, I didn't feel the need to talk to the world about the normal nonsense of my life. Actually, being with Ryan makes me want to keep it more private, because he's more private. Also, keeping it more private than I usually am about relationships makes me treasure the little things we do together so much more... and man, let me tell you, we are fucking cute, and we are a couple that is gonna last for quite some time.

Gonna put a random sidenote in here: if anyone thought that I was a rebound for Ryan, you are dead fucking wrong. Yes, we did get together right after Brytnny -- that doesn't mean he's using me, and that doesn't mean a fantastic relationship can't bloom out of an utter failure of one.

Hrm. I also wanna say that I really hope nobody has doubted my ability to be in a relationship. My relationship with Tanner was a disaster, and mine don't usually go like that. Furthermore, until the end of last year, my time with random boys was also quite horrid. Shit, Ryan figured out he cared about me the way he does now because I was so damned upset all the time because of other... boys. Stupid boys. Hah.

It's still a little awkward running into them. I hope they're doing well, though, and no hard feelings. For realsies.

I also wanna talk about Jocab Victario a little bit. He's been really, really good, and a lot less clingy than I thought he was gonna be. He's in the transfer building, making friends, doing his own thing. I'm really happy for him, but his recent happiness makes me worry that he's gonna ditch me for better people. And if he does, well, I kinda deserve it, but whatever. I'm just really glad his life doesn't suck anymore, and that UCSC worked a little magic in his favor.

I did a lot of thinking over the summer about friends. I'm just gonna leave that at that. Not really negative thinking, as that statement implies, but I am a little upset about one little incident over the summer that in all reality, did not concern me in the least.

Meh, I'ma talk about what made me upset over the summer...

Cory's birthday.

How could you guys ditch her? Like, seriously? I understand that Bouset had to go home, but you guys didn't want to come back to celebrate ever for a little with Cory? You didn't even have birthday cake... I'm sorry, guys, but ditching Cory on her birthday after she moved the date of her party so you guys could come down was kinda on the fucked up end. Well, it's mostly fucked up because the same night ya'll went to someone else's house and had a party.

Not to mention Tanner & Brytnny. WHOA. That was interesting.

Ah hell man, I guess this reflection stuff is pretty sweet. I guess. I kinda need to do more reading for Shakespeare, though. Stupid damned Lit classes with all their readings! HAH

I really hope nobody has taken offense to anything I've posted tonight. I'm not calling anyone a bad person/friend or anything, just stating some opinions.

And, uh, before I go, I want to note that this actually didn't turn into a OMG I LOVE RYAN SO MUCH post. Though I totally love him so much :)

What Will Hopefully Be A Good Post~

Naked. Always naked. That's how I like to be.

I told Aaron Franklin that the other day.

I think he thinks I'm a little strange.

Whatevs!

I'm writing nice things, amusing things, 'cause I kind of sort of feel depressed as shit right now. XD

COOL DUDE.

Not really. Not at all.

Today. I woke up at 2:30 PM.

I spent most of the night with Jacob. Was up until the light of dawn.

(For your information, dear reader, nothing happened.)

I've done that... like... three times this week.

Should have done that... zero times.

Stupid stupid stupid. Not doing any good for anyone.

I let him be close to me. I've gotta have better self control. I've got to... stop giving in to how lonely I am.

I'm... just so sorry.

I've been really sorry, all day.

People always say how I push others away. And I'm well aware that I do. I just don't know how to keep people close to me anymore. I get scared. Hurt. I hurt easily... way more easily than I'd ever like to admit to myself or anyone else... but y'know!

This is what blogs are for.

Sadness. Ranting. Archiving it so I can look at my thoughts later and think, "Good lord, I'm so glad I'm not in that mindset anymore."

This blog has also been... one of the few places where I can think, uncensored.

Well, mostly uncensored. I have too many readers who have feelings to not be censored at all.

(I've already failed to meet my blog's original purpose. Oh well.)

I don't know. I don't know. I'm just so sorry.

Sorry for the drama, the pain, the stupid confusions I've caused this year...

See, I've always had this issue with self-esteem. If you've ever read this blog before, you know that. It's quite obvious.

But I've not doubted who I am... in quite some time.

Maybe I'm a problem. Maybe I'm too selfish. Too ambitious. Too uncaring and headstrong... never giving myself a break is what I do best. I'm also happiest when I'm busy. Idle hands are depression's playground. Ew. Cliche as fuck, but twisty cliche!

Stupid stupid stupid.

Why am I so stupid? Argh. So dumb. Can't see so many things. Always want what I can't have, what I can't reach.
I always want what I can't have because I believe in the impossible. Stupid. Stupid fucking dreamer, dude.

I spent the entire day in bed today. Watched anime until 8:30. Then I watched Mean Girls. Then I took a shower. Now I'm here, moping about on the internet. I feel pathetic. Not the kind of cute lazy pathetic that I perform, but really, really, pathetic.

There's too many lies going on in my head right now. I'm trying to convince myself of too many things.

Too many injured frendships that I will prolly just let slide, 'cause I don't have the mental capacity to deal with the anxiety that comes along with wanting to resolve things...

I'm scared of myself. And the person I've become. I've changed. I'm not the girl I was a few years ago. Not at all.

And for the first time in a long time, I don't know if I am okay with the person I am.

Er, going back to the self-esteem issues.

Have never thought I was pretty.
Have always thought I'm pretty fucking awesome.

I've always blamed my personality insecurities on my physical appearance.

Ex: I'm utterly convinced my acne comes from how stressed I am.
I'm stressed because I have massive anxiety issues.
I'm not exactly sure where my massive anxiety issues came from... but I'm gonna guess it prolly has something to do with not having the ability to trust people as much as I'd like....

Er, uh, I don't know.

Can we call this post soul-searching? I feel like I'm looking for something. A certain thought.

Or maybe I keep typing, because I know what that thought is, but am still too afraid to put it into written words. Y'know, the only language I speak/understand clearly?

Yeah, uh, I'ma be typing for a while longer if that's the case. Hah. XD

'CAUSE I DUNNNNOOO, BROOOO.

Oh! Wait!

Back to me hating my appearance:

I was talking to Ryan, once, and he told me:

"Darlene, people don't like you not because of what you look like, but because you're just too much for them. You're kinda crazy, y'know?"

At least, those words seem more of my own, but that's what I got out of it.

That was also right after he told me he didn't consider me to be one of his best friends...

So maybe I took it wrong? Maybe I was a little hurt... Hm...

Either way -- if I interpreted what he said correctly or no -- it got me to thinkin'.

Darlene, you're too crazy.

What makes me too crazy? Too much to handle? I don't understand. I was gonna say is it because I'm too honest with myself, and the rest of the world, but, yeah, that's funny... I'm totally not honest with myself, nor the world. Don't think I ever have been. Sure, I don't tell lies. I don't do things maliciously. That's just not me. But like... avoiding white elephants, pushing issues out of my mind, isn't that even worse? Isn't lying to yourself the worst thing you can do..?

FUCKING HELL I DON'T EVEN KNOOOOOOOOOOW.

And I keep wondering about Rubino.

Why me?
Whywhywhy...

I know he'd not really like me to say anything -- but, like, I really kind of need to/want to.

The want creates the need. I'm awful at bottling my feelings up, y'see?

Ug I just want to ask him so bad... why did that night happen? What the fuck?

My brain is so confused.

Erm. Hrm. That's not what this is about.

But maybe it is. Maybe this post is just about everything, ever, too.

Ugh... so many things on my mind.

Spring cleaning... so much clutter and junk in this head 'o mine...

Mmmmm... Tanner... so much to say about him...

But, as I feel right now, at this very moment, all I can think is, "Dear lord, I miss him."

It's been hard accepting that I'm not special to him anymore. Really hard. I actually thought I'd always have a special relationship with him. Dumb dumb dummmmb~

Tanner only cares about girls who don't make him uncomfortable. Who don't point out his flaws... who don't yell at him across the dinner table...

I understand why he doesn't care anymore. And it hurts, because both of us are far too stubborn to concede our view to be close again.

I'm always gonna think he talks down to me.
He's always gonna think otherwise.

I just... wish we could be friends again. But I can never, ever, pretend that there's not things that bother me about him again...

I will forever stick by my own thoughts -- until they're proven wrong... and I actually believe they're wrong. My greatest ally is myself.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here. I'm just really sad.

Oh. I do want to say that you were right about Smolich, Jacob.
One-hundred-complete-freakin'-percent-correct.

Yay, that's off my chest!

I don't know what else to talk about right now. I'm getting tired...

Can't wait to get back to SC tomorrow. I'm so sad about Alec, though.

Love the kid to death. Breaks my heart...

~.~

Maybe I feel a little better, maybe?

"Beatiful People" on Tumblr - Thoughts

Many a person on Tumblr spams my dashboard with many a photo of a "Beautiful person" and while I'd agree that the photos they post of people are quite nice, and quite attractive, for some reason, they bother me. They gnaw at my brain. They make me uncomfortable. And this morning, I finally figured out why.

These "beautiful people" are simply photos. That's it. Nothing about who they are, what they do, their interests, their talents, their dreams...

Is the girl pictured about beautiful because her hair's red? Because she's wearing thigh high socks? Because her face is very pretty and well made-up? Is she pretty because she's the idea of "different"? Why, of all the pictures of people, did you post this one? By posting this picture, what are you saying about yourself? Are you wishing you could look like her? Are you wishing you were different, like her? What are you trying to promote? What are you saying about her?

You know how to be different? Be yourself. Everyone is unique and special -- don't let idiotic conceptions of beauty destroy who you are. I'm blonde, with blue eyes, white as fuck, and I know I'm different. I look totally fuckin' normal, not special in any way, and yet, I'm beautiful. (Fuck yeah Lady Gaga, anyone? Born This Way premiered today! XD) Sure my face is scarred from the years of acne I've endured, but fuck man, does that really matter? I freak the fuck out about my face because I feel ugly, due to society that we live in. Scars aren't pretty, therefore I'm not pretty. Fucking bullshit. This world is God damned stupid. Haha. If the world saw more in people than the way they look, I'd of never felt awful about myself for the last... what, 7 years? I don't get a chance to show people who I am, because I'm so damn worried they won't even communicate with me because I'm simply too ugly. I don't have to wear weird clothes or dye my hair crazy colors to know I'm different, sure, I can understand the reasoning behind "Man, my hair looks fucking cool with a purple streak in it," but ugghhh... rage rage rage... I really, really, hate people's idea of beauty, and people who post on Tumblr just promote the shit out of the idea. Soooooo disturbing to me...

One can run around promoting how different they are, or they can just be different. 

One can run around promoting how much of a nice guy he is, or he can just be a nice guy.

Actions people, actions. They speak so much more.

How can someone be considered beautiful if they're just an image? Just a photo? What if the person in said picture is posing to make a few extra bucks to fund her crack addiction as her baby daddy struggles to feed the newborn she's too fucked up to take care of? Is she still beautiful? I'm sorry, but I beg to differ... looks aren't everything, people.

Also: photoshop. lol.

Furthermore, there's no stories behind these pictures. They're shallow. One-dimensional. And they promote a very crude and limited sense of beauty. Being beautiful is so much more than nice tits and an ass... ARRRGGGHHH

Now, when I get drunk, one of the most common things I utter is, "Look at all the beautiful people." And most people would say because I'm drunk, the phrase means a whole lot less. I once again, beg to differ. I feel like I'm most honest when my walls are down, and alcohol breaks 'em down real fast...

Anyway, I'ma point out somethin' real quick like:
I usually say "Look at all the beautiful people" around my closest friends, the ones I truly know are beautiful - while we're dancing, chillin' around a hookah, playin' Apples to Apples, having awesome drunk moments, or simply watching a Giants game. Then again, I believe that there's at least one thing about a person that makes them beautiful... so... euh. It's not uncommon for me to say something of the sort on say, a dance floor. Oh but I can explain that! Dancing is something that is very personal, even if it's just flailing... people can express themselves through dance, and that's why a bunch of dancing people is beautiful! They're expressing something of themselves to everyone else, and how can anyone scoff at that? How can that not be beautiful? Dance, especially drunk dancing, is a very raw form of human expression... a unique expression of one's self... Yeah! (I sometimes say "Look at all the beautiful people!" to make KendalKorn giggle, too, 'cause for some reason she's super amused by it... :]) 

Anyway! I didn't say it once this last party -- because I didn't freakin' know anyone there. (Also: not drunk? Dunno if I said it [in the context I'm writing of] at the party before this, but uh... yeah, here's a loop in my argument!) XD Party was weird as fuck, I got creeped on, and I got to spend maybe a fraction of my time there with my actual friends, because they were too busy freakin' the fuck out about the random ass people who showed up who ended up getting pretty sick... ugh... worries + booze = not happy.

I also have a "Beautiful Man Wall" here in my room, which I'd think most people would consider a flag for "Hey, you don't give a fuck about beauty!" Why do I think they're beautiful? I've watched every single person on my wall. Most are from movies, or Matt Bellamy... I've got an image of them, and their personalities in my mind. They're not just a body... not just an image of what I consider "attractive." While I'm kind of aware that Johnny Depp is kind of an asshole, the roles he plays (the Mad Hatter, Captain Jack) are what I associate his personality with, so y'know, it's a little off, but yeah... I think my point has been made...

Shit man I don't even know... I gotta go eat breakfast...

I'm just glad I figured out why these pictures bother me. They're attractive (these chicks are def hot, I'm not arguing against what they look like at all!), not beautiful. Beauty is so much more than a picture on Tumblr. Stupid materialistic world... stupid stupid stupid... rageragerage

I feel like I can write about Derrida now. Hello, thinking mood.

SO HUNGRRRRYYY XDD

Feelings and Shit?

WHAAAAAAAAAAATT.

Where did these come from? I thought these kinda didn't exist and stuff.

Man oh man, wtf is going on, brain?

*ahem*

Maybe I want him to be attached.

Actually, I'm not gonna lie, I want him to be attached right now.

Let's see where this goes, shall we? Maybe? Ug... dunno, bro.

I just... woke up one day and thought, "You know, I'm really happy around him..."
& then I thought about it more -- and couldn't find an instance in my memory when I was unhappy just being around him. There were only those times that were... extremely emotion-provoked, y'know? The human part. Otherwise, I just... I just can't find a time when I was really unhappy.

I laid next to him on the couch last night, watchin' a movie with Ana, and his arms... as I figured they would, found themselves around me... usually my reaction is something along the lines of whoooaaa, wtf, but this one time I just let them stay there... was weird... it was weird because I didn't feel weird. I just felt comfortable and safe... weeeeeeirrrrd. Hahaha

I've also pondered a lot on our friendship. Been friends for about 5 years now. TONS of ups and downs... so many... so intense, each one. I just... each time I come back after not talking to him for a few months, we pick up where we left off -- really good friendville. The only reason we ever quarrel is because he's been crazy about me forever... and that's hard to deal with, 'n stuff.

So, I think, this break, imma give him a chance. Finally. The boy deserves it. And right now, I genuinely want to... and I dunno if I've ever felt this way about him before. It's really strange, indeed.

Just a feeling, just a chance, just maybe, a little romance. :)

OOOHHHHH PS: YAY FOR LOGAN AND CORRRRY! Took 'em long enough. I am genuinely happy and not crazy-girl upset at all. I mean c'mon, I feel like everyone's known for quite some time now, anyway, right? I had plenty of time to get over myself. UNLEASH THE LIGHTNING! bwahahahahah :D

Feelings, they are so intense. UGGGGHHH.

My Life is Okay.

Yep. Okay.

Not good, not great, not oh man, I'm rivalin' Santa's jollyness,

but it's okay.

So I don't get everything I want. That's okay.

Okaaaaaaaaay.

Blarg. Whatever! Ahaaaaaaa

I'm sick. Stupid plague.

BUT I still went dancin' last night. Was so fun. ♥

Though I'm sad Mark didn't really have a good time. More than likely just not his thing. I love him anyway. :)

Cory and I taught Logan how to dance. It was spectacular.

And Tanner was awesome to dance with!! SO FUN! :D

I sang myself hoarse. Ugh.

Typing is so much easier than speaking right now.

Oh God I just coughed on my laptop's screen. Hell dude... XD

I finished The Guild. :( Need something new to watch... prolly will do Firefly finally.

It's so weird, being in on a Saturday night. I feel like I need to be doing things. Or be nothere. It's good to take a break though, especially because my abs are going to be super ripped from coughing so much! Yeeeeeeaaaaah...

Ryan's off seeing Brytnny. I bet they're so adorably happy right now! I'm happy knowing that they're having a good time. ♥

So there's this guy in my dance class that's really cute and friendly, but I can't figure out if he's gay or not. lol. Everyone says it could be either way! ARGH! hah

Bleeeeeeeeeeeh... kinda don't really care anyway.

More things! Going to Fish Rap on Tuesday! Told James Shea I'd be there tonight. :] So exciting!! I LOVE FRL!

Oh. I can go to FRL! because I dropped stupid LALS 80G. Good prof., but too much work for me to want to take the class for just freakin' GEs. GEs are so damned easy to get, why stress myself out over a class I could give 0 fucks about?

Now I'm in Earth Catastrophes with Cam, Miguel, and Logan. So exciting. Even though I basically just sleep through it. Whatever. I liked the killer meteors movie. I WAS AWAKE FOR IT!!

Blah blah blah blah blah... blah.

D-hall sucked tonight. Fuckin' College 8.

Went to Sushi Totoro on Friday. Was fantastic. Tried mocchi (sp?) for the first time. So amazingly delicious. Gummy ice cream stuff omg yay mouth so happy...

I don't freakin' know dude. I'm just okay. Maybe I'd be happy if I weren't sick. Don't really know, don't really care, because I'm sick anyway! Woo....

Casey's big audition is tomorrow. I hope for everyone and the world's sake that she makes it. I feel like she's got a good chance, but yeah, it's all up to them.

I'm listening to Prince now. Love him. Especially 'cause we're dancin' to New Position in jazz dance. LOVE JAZZ DANCE.

Man, this is a lot of ADD rambling. Meh. Whaaaaaaateveeeeer. What else do I have to do? Right. Nothing.

I got a bodice today. Gonna rock Rocky Horror like a damned pro. It's gonna be so hot. Ehehehehehee. >:)

Yeah... well.... I think I'm done for now. Yep.

Overview of the Weekend

K so -- things started out with Date Night!

Which went really well. Like really, really well.

Exceeeeeeept for the fact that for some God awful stupid reason I don't like him.

Stupid stupid stupid. ARGH.

Anyway, realization of not liking said person so much killed half a Saturday with bad feelings.

Then people showed up.

And there was booze.

And I was intoxicated quickly.

And bad feelings sort of went away. 

Freshman gave me a lot of candy! And Red Bull! Mmmmmm! :]

Then Michael showed up... some balls were tripped.

I think I spent time in my room then, trying not to freak out, I guess.

I ended up wandering between my room and the living room...

Theeeen I pulled Logan out to talk...

Admitted that I still like him 'n stuff... (!)

Talked about some other things...

annnnnnd sort of cried all over him a little bit...

Oh dear.

After talking with Logan, I went upstairs to talk to Ryan...

Who of course, just made me feel better. Gotta love Ryan!

After that, it was like 11 already and we proceeded to leave Porter and head to Rayne's.

Housewarming party, of course!

Finally got to talk to Michael. Thanks Logan for shoving me out the door!  Everything there is now "fixed."

We were having a blast there (lesbian orgy in the closet! ♥), but her new housemates freaked Rayne out and stuff...

Which, y'know, turned things a little sour. Just a little.

We headed out at like... 2 - 2:30? Dunno. Just went to Kendal's place for a bit. Alec and Logan ended up crashing there... They have a really freaking cute kitty.

Left Kendal's at like 3 AM, got back to Porter, and proceeded to pass the fuck out.

Now it's morning... and I'm just like... holy good fuck, what the hell do I do with my life?

I guess I should take a shower. Go eat at the d-hall. Do normal things.

I did everything I wanted to last night... mission accomplished... but I didn't really think of what might happen this week and today. Kind of worried because some shit did go down last night.

Well. Actually. I don't think anything is going to happen. I'm just gonna go back to being somewhat lonely single me who has hardly any interest in anyone. I feel like I have a switch... and someone turned it off... or that somehow, I've learned to be so emotionally detached to people though the craziness of my life, that it's hard for me to have feelings for anyone outside of my friend group. Geeeeeeeeeeez my brain hurts.

Oh and most of Porter now knows I'm crazy as fuck. I'm not really the most quiet person.

OH WELL. :)

Though This Year Has Been Rough,

I've been blessed. I've met some people who are worth it.

Worth friendship, worth loyalty, worth trust.

SURE, it's not a large amount of people...
but next year will be different.

There will be happiness, there will be good,
there will be caring, and there will be kind,
there will be smiles, and only tears of joy
accompanied of course, by drunken nights in the meadow
when the only thing on our minds is how gorgeous the stars are,
and how lucky we are to be together.

Let's do it guys... let's be a family...
We've all been through a lot this year, so for our second,
let's pull it all together,
let's bring all the things we've learned about ourselves and each other
and create memories to trump our intoxicated nights under the stars...

Let's forgive, let's forget
Let's not hate, not fight
Let's party, my friends, all night! :]

Can we just smile? Laugh? Enjoy?

I think it's possible.

I'm willing to be happy. Are you, darlings? ♥

-- These good feelings have been brought to you by Kendal & Dylan. Thank you guys, so much!

Good Article

"Having a bad dad is like being born with a missing limb. It doesn’t have to handicap you, but it will always define you. It makes you keep reaching for that phantom, even when you know there's nothing there."

Discussion of Lindsay Lohan and her father's relationship - and why having a bad dad sucks.

Helllooo, relation!

http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/46414399.html#cutid1

Sometimes...

I feel like it's really hard to get over people engraved into my soul.

Though, I guess I should assume it'd be pretty hard.

/shrug

I'm Inspired Tonight.

Courage.

You should have it.

Everybody should.

Courage - the quality of spirit that enables you to face danger or pain without showing fear.

Courage is being able to show the world who you are,
what you are,
and why you are,
and not giving a flying fuck what they think.
Courage is the ability to accept yourself for who you are.

Courage is being proud of your past,
your family,
and your mistakes
because without those mistakes - you would have never learned what you did from making them.

Courage is essential to leading a life of happiness--

If you are loved for someone who you are not, because you didn't have to courage to show the world who you are,

Your life is going to suck. It will be void of true love, and love is essential to the mental stability of all human beings. Love leads to sex. Sex is part of the primal instinct of man.

One is truly the loneliest number. Nobody wants to be a one.

Nobody wants a crappy, loveless, life. That's not good.

and if you think you want a crappy life;

please darling, find the COURAGE to change that thought.

Don't be a bitch. Bitches are lame. Teehee!

I Finally Figured It Out

I'm a story teller

I tell stories

I'm a liar

I manipulate the truth

but the truth is still the truth

and isn't that the essence of every story?

aren't they all just truths, in different forms?

I've got a lot to say about the world

but only one hand to type...

so the TBWL List will continue to grow

until I can type as fast as I'd like to again...

I finally know who I am

...now if only he knew who he is...

Femme de Lumière Ideas (Woman of Light)

NEED A NAME!
One eye
Dark features, light eye, eye patch
dark horse

Corsair-like garb; thigh high boots, kinda British style
THIS

PLUS THIS

AND THIS

...with some tweaking ...and less cat-girlness

the dress - like this, but purple (purple = royalty)


brown hair - tied like cornelia's


2 rapiers & a gun pew pew bad ass
around napolean's era (weapons, tactics)
on the field: strong, independent, sexy, fucking bad ass, smart
off the field: witty, sweet, loving, beautiful

known for: "the one eyed goodbye" - when the opposing army surrenders, one eye is taken from each man, and the men are told to not return - if a 1 eyed man is caught fighting again, he will be taken prisoner, and tortured until he A) dies during torture B) asks to die (beheading, escorted by a beautiful woman) C) becomes an inquisitor - the inquisitors will not kill intentionally, some mistakes will be made though! all prisoners are given a pen and paper... the system is there to not take life from the opposing team, but to remind them that war is shitty by disabling them a bit... if they come back... then its lights out... don't fuck w/this country lol

dies during childbirth
husband commits suicide when child is 5 or 6, his whole story is finding lumi a home
lumi's story begins ~ bringer of joy

narrative transition:
main (Woman of Light) → her man (Man of Shadow) → her child (Child of Dawn)

"I've been able to withstand the pain of the world because I can only see half of it."

inspired by one of my favorite figures in history:

and this guy:


...the shit I come up with in the shower is ridiculous

Writer's Block

ahblahblahblahblahblah

nfsodithaiebgndzkjgn

{intelligent stuff here}

I wrote

this

for

some

Lit Mag

thing

at

school

its weird.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Have you ever written a story?
It's really a daunting task.
The characters, the setting, and the plot... they must be perfect.
And if your ideas aren't good enough, nothing ever gets written.
See, I'm writing this because I could not think of a story, and I've come to a conclusion-
I cannot write a story, the tools don't exist.
How, you may ask, and my answer is only this:
The wonderful experiences in our lives have made it so no words will do- no matter how enchanting
Nothing you or I could write, or try to describe could ever really stand for the emotions that all people feel
The amazing happiness and joy experienced with friends and family
The sadness when those times are taken away
and our passion about them, which never fails us
Those things are not able to be expressed with words
Which is why I cannot write a story.