UGGGGGH

Well, first of all, Blogger has a new style type thing. I don't really like it, but not because it's bad or less useful, but more because I didn't want Blogger to change. Oh well...

This morning, and recently, I got a swift kick in the ass reminding me of HOW MUCH people suck.

Like, seriously.

I've been meaning to post about this for a long time now, I guess, and I don't think I'm going to feel any better (or refrain from randomly going off on Jacob for no good reason) until I just fucking let loose and BE ANGRY at the people who've made me sad.

Well, not really angry. Just upset. Really, really, really upset.

First of all, I'mma address Ryan. Because this is the part that upsets me the most. I am really, really, really sad because of him. In Safeway the other week, I saw him for the first time in what feels like months. I think it was only one. See, the thing is, I haven't talked to Ryan in forever. Our last actual conversation was probably around his birthday (Feb 9th). And sometime in between then and now, he's gotten really, really angry at me and apparently can't even bring himself to talk to me, at all. Now, I'm not exactly sitting pretty here and saying I've tried, because I haven't. I just, like... am not actively trying to avoid him. I've refrained from speaking to Ryan so he can get over me. I know I hurt him. I know it sucks. I've always felt that the best way to get over someone is to be separate for a while, y'know? Give things time, come back, and be friends again. The first thing that Alec said when we got together was, "You guys better not ruin an awesome friendship." I didn't forget, Alec. I never did. :(
I really want things to be okay between me and Ryan, and on my side, they are. They always have been. This is just so shitty. I wouldn't act awkward around him, nor be mad at him, or anything. I think right now, though, I'd be a little upset, naturally, because of all of this hogwash bullshit...

I AM JUST SO SAD. SO, SO SAD.

None of this annoying losing friends bullshit was ever supposed to happen...

You know who follows me on Tumblr now, dear reader?
Julia. (and y'know, like Cory and Rayne and shit) That's it.
Dylan, Kendal, Tanner, and Ryan have all stopped.
Mark (never followed me in the first place...)
Dylan and Kendal got annoyed with me defending myself against Casey. Whatever. I mean, if they don't want to see me attempt to stand up for myself because it's long text, I guess I can understand. Besides, I probably won't ever see Dylan again. I'm totally okay with him moving on and stuff. No problem... Kendal is Kendal, and I feel like her not following me doing nothing to our friendship. The internet is just the internet, if I feel I need to actually communicate with her, or show her something, I just will. Whatevs.
Tanner probably hates me. Probably for good reason. lol
Mark is an asshole. Plain and simple. He is only selectively my friend. That's bullshit. I love him when he's my friend, but he is so mean to me all the time, and that's not how you treat your friends, bad day/mood or not. Dunno why I remain so hung up on him -- OH WAIT it's the fact that Mark has the potential to be one of the coolest people I've ever known, if he gets off of his pretentious ass high horse! RIGHT! Depressing.
Ryan has stopped following me twice. The first time was right after we broke up. Sure, s'cool, I understand. The second time... ??? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?! I have no idea. When did I turn into this manipulative bitch, or otherwise such a negative person that he had to stop following me? I don't understand... o.O I mean, I should just talk to him, but Goddamn, at this point, I feel like I'll be talking to a wall, or get hung up on. He wouldn't even LOOK at me at Safeway. I tried to say hi, I was nice. I wasn't awkward. I wasn't all up on Jacob in his face. I EXPLICITLY tried NOT to post things about having a boyfriend on Tumblr so he wouldn't feel bad. I EXPLICITLY did not put Jacob as my boyfriend on Facebook for a long time SO RYAN COULD FEEL BETTER. UGH. I just don't understand. I am so angry and frustrated and I've been really depressed because I feel like friendships that shouldn't be crumbling are doing so. It's stupid. Pointless.
Casey has stopped following me, too, but her presence on Tumblr is very limited. She might've just felt that I was stupid one day and decided to unfollow me. Meh. I feel that Casey's opinion of me has a great ability to fluctuate, and if Ryan is upset with me, and spoke to Casey of it, I feel that her opinion of me would probably be lessened after said conversation. Whatevs, though. Casey and I are tight when she wants us to be. I've told her many a time that I'll support her if she supports me.

SO I pointed out Julia following me on Tumblr because Julia and I have had a rocky history ever since Halloween sophomore year. I don't really want to discuss that, but I do want to say that Julia has always treated me personally with respect, even after she felt that I wronged her. I will always appreciate that from her. I really, really, genuinely enjoy our one-on-one conversations, and hope that somehow we can really become friends again. I feel like I miss her, a lot, which is pretty weird, because somedays I can kind of care less about her.... maybe I shouldn't say that after saying nice things and shit, but... I'm being honest here, y'know? I just like, am really sad all of these stupid, insignificant things get in our way of talking about films or book or boys or anything awesome... Julia and I connect so well on an intellectual level, and I just love talking to her about anything... I miss lunch! I still think of Julia when I put sprouts on a sandwich... they are better than lettuce... unless they're all gross because they've been left out forever... stupid d-hall.

Hrrrrm. I think that's enough about me being angry. I'm really sorry if that was hard to read. I'm going for super stream of consciousness here, as I type, I'm spelling most things wrong, and I only really stop typing to auto-correct my spelling errors.

EITHER WAY: the good.

1. Kristina
I've developed a very odd but nice friendship with Kristina. I like it a lot, and I hope one day we can just like, hang out, and I can not be awkward. I'm always awkward. Damnit!

2. Tumblr Teacher, Eli
SO I was really sneaky a few Fridays back and went out for a walk outside. (C'mon people, do I ever go outside willingly?! XDD) Anyway, I met this person I'd been talking to on Tumblr, Eli. He's the Tumblr Teacher! Such a cutie! See, the thing is, meeting people from the internet is sketchy in its own. Sure, midday, sunny, and at the Squiggle isn't exactly the place for some person to abduct someone or something, but it's really hard to convince other people that meeting people from the internet doesn't always lead to death... so I lied to Rayne about just going outside. I'm sorry Rayne, I also just kinda didn't want to explain at the time. I also have not told anyone about this... because I do think he's cute, and oh my gosh, if he lived in Santa Cruz, the amount of up ons I would try to be... heh. Prolly shouldn't say that, either, because Jacob will more than likely read this, but whatever. Honesty is the theme of this post. Besides... I'll prolly just tell him I made a long blog post anyway. I can't keep my mouth shut about anything! XD But, but, but Jacobi, if you are reading this madness, I want to tell you, though I am attracted to this other person, I am in no way pursuing it. Right now, I am with you (and very happy!), and I am not going to change that. I am sorry my heart is so fleeting, but currently, I am controlling it. For you. :)
Hrm, um, anyway. I really like this person, and am totally chill with just being friends with him. Don't have to date every cute guy I meet..!

Hrm so um, I feel like I'm out of things to talk about now. I guess. I also feel like I have to go read some Descartes for Senior Seminar. We had class outside yesterday. LitBro is best bro! <3 <3 <3

Blah blah blah, guess I don't mind the new Blogger too much, I can still sit here and type like a madwoman.

-- End Blog Post --

The Need to Write!

SOOOOOOO today in 102!

I was thinking, since we were just going over Benjamin again,

Man, I really want to write about Vanquish. Hahahaha.

Then I laughed at how nostalgic, nerdy, and fantastic I am.

Then I laughed at Alex being passed out because he stayed up until 6 AM finishing our paper for the class.

What a goof!

Anyway, so like, I was all supppppper down to start writing again.

Then I realized: shit, bro, I don't have any time for this shit!

Eh. Not really. I think I'm more just scared that my writing will end up as bad like, FFXI fanfiction. I don't wanna do that.

I do not have a lot of time, though. I mean, that's sort of true.

Then again, I have the time right now to be writing this...

Let's stop talking about me and time, 'aight?

Hrm... so now yeah okay~!

Writing. I want to write about Vanquish as a set of short stories that kinda are a memoir. They'd be Memoirs of a White Mage. Hhahahahaa.

I don't know why I laugh at writing about FFXI and the people I met there so much... maybe it's because society finds internet relationships to be petty jokes and not real in any sense -- and the connotations that go along with playing a MMO are just freakin' crazy... as in crazy negative...

Maybe I'm still afraid to step out of my comfort zone.

Funny, I know that once I do, I can produce something amazing.

But maybe I'm just not ready for that yet. Maybe I'm not ready because I don't feel that I have the adequate brain time to use on writing. Shit, man, I'd prolly only be able to write like a few pages a day, if that. Y'know, providing I was in the right mood to be writing at all. Homan--

Either way, there's been a lot on my mind recently. I've been spending a lot of time with Jacob, and it's made me really relaxed, peaceful, and happy. Though I feel as if I am being selfish, because my communication with Ryan has dropped substantially this week. I hope he doesn't think that I all of a sudden think ill of him -- as his crazy brain might do -- I just am like, happy as I am right now and am too selfish to want to change any of that at the moment.

Then again, why should I ever change my plans if they involve me being less happy? :/ Right?

Man. Everything is so crazy right now. Well, everything forever is crazy. That's just kinda how life is....

Tonight the Stellar Corpses are playing at the Catalyst. I don't think I'm going. I just like, won't feel right there. I'm not a psychobilly type of girl, y'know? I don't even know how to type the word correctly. I think the culture is cool, and I really appreciate it, but I'm not the type of person who can participate in a mosh pit -- even if it's the nicest most pit that ever existed! I can't deal with physical discomfort very well. It really affects my thinking and thought processes... no bueno, dude.

Also tonight: Silly Creature is playing at Kresge Town Hall aka 2 feet away from my apt. I haven't seen r00b, Nate, or Keyhan for a long time, and I'd really like to show those guys that I still enjoy Silly Creature, and that I support them! Besides, I'm also contemplating wearing my fish net shirt to the show to mess with Rubino. Hahahaha.

Oi, everything ever. Again. Everything ever in my head. Did you know I can write for days, dear blogger? I think you do, but sometimes, when my archive looks thin, I think you question my ability to write. I do too, though, so, maybe all of this thinking is kinda pointless. Maybe I should write a book all in stream-of-consciousness. That'd be really cool. It'd also prolly contain a lot of typos. Can I use spellcheck if I'm typing in stream-of-consciousness? Hahahaha. I think what I'm writing now is kinda stream-of-consciousness, and I used spellcheck to spell consciousness correctly... so... I guess it counts. Meh. Dunno. Too philosophical for me at the moment!

Erg so like later, I really want to write a super-awesome and long blog post about that teacher that I tried to get to know on Tumblr. I have no idea why he didn't respond to me. He prolly either thinks that I'm some goob ass undergrad without a brain OR doesn't actually have the time for a social life. I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt, because he is a teacher, and a very devoted teacher, so I think it is plausible that he could've had something more important to do than to chat with some random person on Tumblr. I just wish that he would've talked to me... I think he's so cool and smart and awesome and just like! Ugh. I would like to talk to someone who's just ahead of me in life so baaaaaaaaaad. I mean, the fact that he's adorable as shit doesn't bother me at all, either, but still. I'm not looking for a relationship right now. There's kinda one smacking me in the face currently. Oi. To be fair, I don't know if smacking is the right word to use. It implies that I'm not happy, or am like, forced into my current relationship situation. And I'm not. I do what I want. Like forever. Forever forever. Did you know that I freaking love language? Gosh, it's like the most interesting thing eveeer! But, then again, I prolly love the study of literature more. I dunno. I wonder what Tanner got on his paper. I'm really curious. Because I'm a bad person. Oh well.

Saturday night kinda sucked. It's a good thing this weekend has arrived now, though, because I think it's about to be a good one!

Also: heard Steve was more... of not my type of person. Interesting. Still willing to investigate, but like, significantly less interested in anything with him. I guess that's what the investigating is for, right? Hah!

Man. I keep talking about all of these things and people floating around and around and around in my head, but I never seem to talk about the things that are really, really important to me. Oh well. I don't know if I'm okay with my heart and soul on the internet -- just my brain works a lot better for me.

But wait. Is my brain my heart and soul? OH SHIT PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION TIMEEEEE

Oi, man, everything ever. Everything ever. Abbey is coming over on the 25th. I'm really excited to see her and how she's grown over the past few years. I think she's an incredible young lady, and never, ever gives herself enough credit for how far she's come. I guess that's where I come in, eh? :D

We're gonna watch Velvet Goldmine. It has Ewan McGregor naked in it. Hahahaha. 'Cause, y'know, I totally watch movies for a single aesthetic moment. Whatever. lol  I really hope I can get Kim to come over, too, because Goddamn I miss her. She's the freaking best.

UGGGGGGH. Could write forever. Forever and ever.

Whatevs.

I think I'm done for now. My brain isn't functioning as I'd like it to be to continue.

Don't ask me why -- 'cause I don't wanna think about it.

But then again, blogger, you don't ask me questions... you just sit here and allow me to fill you with my thoughts. So non-judgmental. I love it.

Meh. Ta-ta for now, motherfucker!

Do You Know How to Double Entendre?

There's gonna be a lot of 'em coming up in the next blog posts.
You might understand where they are
but do you understand what they mean?

Or maybe there won't be any.

And you'll just be sitting there, thinking, wondering, and being like:
How do I even spell Darlene?

And I'll be sitting here, chuckling to myself, because I am a master of double entendres.

I Don't Know

...if  was ready to give up on him.
I miss him so bad.
What is wrong with me, and what is going through my head?

I can't stop crying. Everything, everything reminds me of him.

I love you so much, Ryan. I'm so sorry.

So, It's Been a While.

I've more or less dropped out of the blogging scene as of late, and there's only one reason I can give for my absence: I'm happy.

Yes, this is probably going to end up being a sappy post about how much I love Ryan.
If you're not down with that, you might as well stop following my blog now, because there's gonna be a lot about Ryan in the next... however long we're together or so. All I gotta say is, in life, food, school, and my boyfriend are pretty much the most important things to me. My family too, y'know, but I'm not as close to my family as most of the other people I know. Shit I forgot to mention my friends -- man I'm a bad person sometimes, but hell, half the time I consider ya'll family anyway... meh... gonna stop talking about crap that doesn't need to be said...

Well, anyway... I just wanted to stop in a post a little something. See, I've got this issue where I need to blog at least once a month, because I want my archive to make sense. When I first started blogging, there were a few months were there were no posts for that month, and now I am upset with that because I like my archive to look pretty. Blogging and how my blog looks is srs buisness.

I sort of feel some reflection upon my life might be good, anyway. I guess I just got tired of it, or because I'm not lonely anymore, I didn't feel the need to talk to the world about the normal nonsense of my life. Actually, being with Ryan makes me want to keep it more private, because he's more private. Also, keeping it more private than I usually am about relationships makes me treasure the little things we do together so much more... and man, let me tell you, we are fucking cute, and we are a couple that is gonna last for quite some time.

Gonna put a random sidenote in here: if anyone thought that I was a rebound for Ryan, you are dead fucking wrong. Yes, we did get together right after Brytnny -- that doesn't mean he's using me, and that doesn't mean a fantastic relationship can't bloom out of an utter failure of one.

Hrm. I also wanna say that I really hope nobody has doubted my ability to be in a relationship. My relationship with Tanner was a disaster, and mine don't usually go like that. Furthermore, until the end of last year, my time with random boys was also quite horrid. Shit, Ryan figured out he cared about me the way he does now because I was so damned upset all the time because of other... boys. Stupid boys. Hah.

It's still a little awkward running into them. I hope they're doing well, though, and no hard feelings. For realsies.

I also wanna talk about Jocab Victario a little bit. He's been really, really good, and a lot less clingy than I thought he was gonna be. He's in the transfer building, making friends, doing his own thing. I'm really happy for him, but his recent happiness makes me worry that he's gonna ditch me for better people. And if he does, well, I kinda deserve it, but whatever. I'm just really glad his life doesn't suck anymore, and that UCSC worked a little magic in his favor.

I did a lot of thinking over the summer about friends. I'm just gonna leave that at that. Not really negative thinking, as that statement implies, but I am a little upset about one little incident over the summer that in all reality, did not concern me in the least.

Meh, I'ma talk about what made me upset over the summer...

Cory's birthday.

How could you guys ditch her? Like, seriously? I understand that Bouset had to go home, but you guys didn't want to come back to celebrate ever for a little with Cory? You didn't even have birthday cake... I'm sorry, guys, but ditching Cory on her birthday after she moved the date of her party so you guys could come down was kinda on the fucked up end. Well, it's mostly fucked up because the same night ya'll went to someone else's house and had a party.

Not to mention Tanner & Brytnny. WHOA. That was interesting.

Ah hell man, I guess this reflection stuff is pretty sweet. I guess. I kinda need to do more reading for Shakespeare, though. Stupid damned Lit classes with all their readings! HAH

I really hope nobody has taken offense to anything I've posted tonight. I'm not calling anyone a bad person/friend or anything, just stating some opinions.

And, uh, before I go, I want to note that this actually didn't turn into a OMG I LOVE RYAN SO MUCH post. Though I totally love him so much :)

I Don't Want to Share You.

I'm not going to share you. You're mine. All mine. :)

I was gonna write more but now I'm talking to you.

<3 <3 <3

It's Just the Small, Simple Things

...that make me so happy. That let me know you care.

It's fucking awesome.

There's Nothing Like the Feeling

...of falling for someone new. ♥

Still Thinkin' About You

I want to write more blogs about you. I wish I had written more before all this, too, just so I could see you smile about them! Sunshine. You are my sunshine now. You're so wonderful for me. So wonderful. And I know you're worried. Worried that you might hurt me, but I promise you it'll be okay. I'm tough. And you're a lot less mean than you think, hun. I'm also super prepared to be there for you. I mean, I've always been, as much as possible anyway. But like, now, I really get to be there for you and it makes me so happy. Lean on me just as much as I lean on you. We're in this together now, y'know? This isn't a one-sided relationship. Because it is a relationship. I want to be there when you're upset. I want to be the one you talk to. The one that helps you get through your mind. I want to be the person who you can say anything to. So don't be afraid. Even if what's on your mind might possibly hurt me -- the best thing for us to do is talk. Even if things are upsetting, it'll be okay, we'll work through it. I know you're stubborn, and sometimes I am, too. But I'm not worried. I think it'll be fine. It'll be okay. And that everything is going to work out in the end and this will be wonderful. I mean, c'mon, it already is. I just still, cannot explain how damned excited I am to be with you. You have made me so happy in the last few weeks. There's been something of a hole in my life that needed filling (as cliche as it is) and you really, really, filled that space. And when I think of filling in holes I think of planting flowers... and I think our relationship will produce beautiful blooms. I'm so excited. I'm not scared in the least. I'm not worried in the least. I trust you. I know you trust me, too. So all we have to do is keep working together to make each other happy. I got this. You got this. Let's go. Keep going, keep strong. You're wonderful. Everything is going to be okay. We'll see each other lots this summer, I'll make sure of it. Gosh... I just want to be for you everything you are for me. And I know this is a lot, and a rather intense little post, especially for us only being together for not so long, but like, I'm not going to sit around and pretend I don't care about you as much as I do because of silly little time. I'm sure you already have an idea of how much I care by just how our friendship went -- or you should, anyway! You're one of the few people I would happily (this is a key word) drop anything for. You've always meant so much to me, and man oh man, now I get to be with you. I always want you to know that I'll be there for you, and I'm going to care, and I will not abandon you because you're going through a hard time. I like relationships. And the more work you put into them, the better they become. I'm prepared. I'm crazy about you. This blog. This blog, man. I don't write like this too often, but you inspire me. You inspire me to be better, and to write, and you make me feel beautiful. It's been so long since I've really felt beautiful. I just-- I just cannot fully express how happy I am. You're the best. And you're really freaking cool, too!

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Also: Infected Mushroom is going to be fucking awesome.

Post 700

↑ Just so you know.

All I can really think to say right now is I am incredibly happy.

It has been a very long two years.

But this... this is so worth it.

The face... the smile... the goofy grin... so many things. So many things are right in the world right now.

It's one of those feelings that is sappy and cliche and silly, but y'know, man. Just so happy.

How can a person express how happy they are in mere words? I don't fuckin' know. I just try.

Try and try and try and try. That's all I can do. That's all I ever do.

And every once in a while, all that damn persistent hard ass work pays off.

God, I'm just so happy. So happy. I could cry. I really could, but I'm not going to. My brother will prolly make fun of me. Hah.

So I've not really been blogging a whole lot recently. Don't exactly know why. It's not Tumblr. Tumblr is a time kill. A silly, silly, silly time kill that happens to have lots of cute animals on it.

(Love cute animals!)

GOSH BUT I DON'T EVEN CARE 'CAUSE I'M SO DAMN HAPPY.

It's just like,

that feeling,

you get,

when you look into someone's eyes,

and you cannot help but smile,

can't think, can't do anything else,

because they've made such a wonderful impact on your life,

and silly words cannot express how... just simply how grateful you are that you got the chance to meet them,

and y'know, be in their life, too.

Man. Just so happy. So happy. SO HAPPY.

I miss him. But it'll be okay. It'll be good.

I'm so happy. So happy.

This is all for you. You are the cocaine in my veins, and the acid beneath my wings. :D

BWAHAHAHAHAAHAH

Good night word, I'll see ya in like 12 hours when I wake up.

Gotta see Cindy tomorrow, I think!

Oh and Churchy people, too! Yahoo!

Took Ya Long Enough to Realize!

You goofball! :3

Known 'bout yo' shit for quite a while now...

(Represent internet stalker extraordinaires, everywhere!)

It's only 7:45... hmmm...

But it's so cold outside...

Ugh...

Brain... why do you always go back~

Sometimes, My Phone Stares at Me.

It tells me to call you, and to tell you that everything's gonna be okay. And that all I said last year was just a mistake. I'm still visiting, still watching. Still hoping you're okay... still wondering if when four (now 2 1/2) years passes... I might still have these thoughts, these feelings, this never ending tic in my head. I wonder, quite often, if I made the right decision. If wonder what would've happened if I didn't get back on that plane, what would have happened if I decided to throw away my dreams, and stay with you. It's just hard to think about. Still got that ring.

I miss talking to you about nothing. Watching Full House, snuggling, everything. It's been so long, and still, yesterday. I can conjure up how I felt when I left whenever my mind pleases -- not that it really does, because damn that sucked balls, but y'know...

It's been a year and a half, and you still cross my mind. Your imprint is on my soul, forever. But I'm too afraid -- too afraid to say anything. My life is so different now, and I'm afraid that I might not care about you the way I once did. I want to remember you forever as you are in my head now. I worry that I will never find anyone as special to me as you were. Even if, even if I met you under the silliest circumstances, and our relationship grew under them. So silly. There's one photo album for four years. Ugh. Don't even know why I'm thinkin' 'bout this so much. Must be Valentine's Day coming up. First one alone. (Last year def didn't count. XD) Dunno dunno dunno. 'Tis just what was on my mind.

I'm also afraid to talk because I dunno if I can handle all those feelings coming back. I kinda feel like they would, and it'd be hard on my brain. Don't have time to have my brain off in other places, got papers to write! (Fuck meeeee~!)

I wonder if most of your posts are still about me. I've read it all. Of course. I'm a damned internet creeper if there ever was one.

Maybe I'll come back one day... I know what happiness is, and I've not experienced anything near the amount I felt during those times...

UgUgUg.

Brain, you need to shut down. You gotta go to bed, anyway. Got ballet in the mornin'. And a paper to write. Ew.

Tired. Thoughtful. Feelings 'n shit. Da fuck?

Tomorrow!

dsWe're going to dance!

For the first time. :)

I'm so excited... man... can't even believe this stuff...

My mind has been racing all day... so beautiful, and strange... can't even describe it...

Blogging hella high is awesome... holy shit... the three periods in a row look awesome...

omg awesome.... awesome is such a cool word...

a w e s o m e

a w s u m :)

♥...

I wonder how my second home is going to feel now...

It'll def be a better feeling, a better good one at that...

my legs feel so amzing & I really like the dress I got for tomorrow...

I love his shirt, too... and I'ma go to his family's holiday party after, too.

I dunno how he'll introduce me. I just... like... dunno

whatever... hella high... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

used my brother's hook up... lol ♥

He's the greatest

Man, typing is hard stoned.

Or really easy.

It's one of the two, I can't decide...

Oh well... my heart... man... it feels good...

Feels good, man.

I dunno the Cruzians will feel. Prolly relieved. 'Cause I won't develop more crushes on our group of friends... too much friendcest, as Mark says...

Friendcest is pretty bad....

What am I gonna do with my life? No fucking idea.

But right now... for the first time in a long time, this REALLY feels right... it's so weird...

Like, I'm legit blushing and shit. What the hell?

Why would I not realize this sooner... so stubborn... erg...

Whatever... is ok.

Is ok.

Man, I just

Whooooooooooooaaaaa.

He kisses my head. So affectionate. Love it. :)

So hey, life.

What's up?

I'm takin' a chance... let's do this...

Don't fuck it up for me, life!

Feelings and Shit?

WHAAAAAAAAAAATT.

Where did these come from? I thought these kinda didn't exist and stuff.

Man oh man, wtf is going on, brain?

*ahem*

Maybe I want him to be attached.

Actually, I'm not gonna lie, I want him to be attached right now.

Let's see where this goes, shall we? Maybe? Ug... dunno, bro.

I just... woke up one day and thought, "You know, I'm really happy around him..."
& then I thought about it more -- and couldn't find an instance in my memory when I was unhappy just being around him. There were only those times that were... extremely emotion-provoked, y'know? The human part. Otherwise, I just... I just can't find a time when I was really unhappy.

I laid next to him on the couch last night, watchin' a movie with Ana, and his arms... as I figured they would, found themselves around me... usually my reaction is something along the lines of whoooaaa, wtf, but this one time I just let them stay there... was weird... it was weird because I didn't feel weird. I just felt comfortable and safe... weeeeeeirrrrd. Hahaha

I've also pondered a lot on our friendship. Been friends for about 5 years now. TONS of ups and downs... so many... so intense, each one. I just... each time I come back after not talking to him for a few months, we pick up where we left off -- really good friendville. The only reason we ever quarrel is because he's been crazy about me forever... and that's hard to deal with, 'n stuff.

So, I think, this break, imma give him a chance. Finally. The boy deserves it. And right now, I genuinely want to... and I dunno if I've ever felt this way about him before. It's really strange, indeed.

Just a feeling, just a chance, just maybe, a little romance. :)

OOOHHHHH PS: YAY FOR LOGAN AND CORRRRY! Took 'em long enough. I am genuinely happy and not crazy-girl upset at all. I mean c'mon, I feel like everyone's known for quite some time now, anyway, right? I had plenty of time to get over myself. UNLEASH THE LIGHTNING! bwahahahahah :D

Feelings, they are so intense. UGGGGHHH.

The Weekend of the Captain!

I've sure been doin' a lot of these recap thinggers lately... prolly 'cause I've got time on the weekends to blog blog blog 'til my daddy takes my computer away~ ♪♪

Man, that's silly. Duurrrrrr hurrrr hurrrr ...

So, wtf am I goin' to talk about today? I guess I should start with Friday, don't think anything huge and/or significant happened during the week.

Friday was cool: Rocky Horror. My friend Stephanie was Janet, and she was adorable. So awesome. I danced on stage with Ana and Cory, and it totally made my night! Besides, my legs looked awesome in those heels. Ohhh baby. :]

Ladies!

That night basically consisted of Cpt. Morgan, Rocky, order pizza, pass out. It was good, it was chill. No depressed Darlene, ftw.

THE NEXT DAY! Saturday!

I got up and dressed around noon. Left my place around 1:45. Went to a house on Ocean street for a house show. Stayed until like, 6 something. Silly Creature was awesome, as usual, Time Machine was... pretty good? And Zeyphr's band was a FUNK band and it impressed me quite a bit! So cool! Voto was also there for a while makin'... beats? Or something... dunno... with a pedal board. Neat neat neat!

After that, Pranov and I went to Taco Bell. We feasted. Crunchwraps, hooo!
Wes was also with us. Is it bad that I'm basically totally sketched out by him? Hah...
THEN we went to the Pacific Cookie Company to see Max (Pranov's friend) annnnnnnnnnd we got some cookies. I had a chocolate covered snickerdoodle.

Friends are good, right? I think so.

We went to the downtown house for a bit afterward. I think Pranov was in the bathroom or something, because Wes and I were chillin' in the front room by our lonesomes for a while. Sort of weird, but whatever. We decided to roll out to Church House early to try and avoid the storm getting any worse. Dunno if it was a good call or not... heh

We ended up at Church House at like 7:40. 'Bout 20 mins early, but there were people there already anyway. No biggie. We just attempted to dry off and hung out for a bit. Church House has stadium seating now and it's awesome!

Riley showed up next. The boys had some beer, they were content. A little wet, but content~ ♪♪

Then Cory, Freshman, Logan, and Tanner showed up. I was joined on the couch for a bit, but then people were like "HOMYGOD BEER PONG GOOOOOO!" Annnd I ended up warmin' the couch by myself for a while. Was nice. Relaxing. I was super tired from the like... 4 hours of music earlier, anyway.

I finally got up to go watch some pong. I was interested in their rules... comapin' 'em to our Rancho rules. We play hardcore pong in the 'Cho. Intense shit, y'know?

I feel like Rory would have been proud. Hah.

Anyway, during that, I heard there was more rum. Cpt. Morgan again. Mmmm. I had myself a shot. A tasty tasty shot... and then made myself some rum and coke. Def my favorite drink... :)

Downed that pretty quick, then had another shot. 'Twas my alcohol intake for the night... because the rum disappeared quickly...

Phrase of the night.

Oh then Voto showed up... and I was like heeeeeeeeey~!

I feel like I def drunk hit on him. A lot. S'ok. Liquid courage goooooooo!

But, at the end of the night, I managed to ask him if he'd like to spend some time together sometime, and he gave me a rather excited yes. Pretty sweet, dude!

BUT I got no number... lolfail... Tanner def got it... DERRRRP.

I also dunno if he was so excited 'cause he was drunk, too. Merp. Self-doubt, hooo!

So, the bands that played were pretty good. Six in one day. Was like a festival. In my backyard. SO COOL. (I ♥ SC!)

I can't remember the third band's name, but of course, our loves, Under a Western Sky played, and another new (?) band named In the Airplane played as well. Was a good show. Under a Western Sky created a mosh pit, as usual. Was a rather intense one. I was sitting off to the side (with Voto, btw, GLEEEEEEEEEE) and I got hit in the mouth, and then someone knocked my glasses off and one of the nose pieces def scratched my face a bit. Ooow. OH well. If I had actually been in that pit, I prolly would have died. Was fun watching my friends go, though!

Freshman said he got like, 4 concussions. I dunno man. I dunno.

Blaaargg. So the music ended around 11, and everyone was intoxicated enough already so we decided to roll back onto campus. Was prolly a good call.

The bus was stupid full when we got on, the bus driver was hella legit and let WAY more of us than he should have (by bus company type thing regulations)... it was awesome.

I didn't have anything to hold on to, so I kind of kept falling over. Sorry, Riley & Tanner. XD

When we went past the UCSC guard thing, all of us in the front ducked. It was so funny.

The bus also died twice. Succcccccccch an awesome bus ride! Yahooo! :]

Yep. Anyway. Made it back to Porter. Drank another shot (forgot about that one!), went to my room, hung out for a bit. Tanner ordered a shit load of pizza... blah blah blah watched some YouTube videos...

I think I almost cried again. Def almost went into depressed drunk Darlene mode again. Meh.

Whenever I feel bad, though, the guys always tell me, "it could be worse, you could have a dick."

I dunno how that's supposed to make me feel better. At all.

And I kept saying, "I hate my life" last night... I do, sort of. Lately I've been really, really down. Can't find a relationship... I miss them so much... don't have that special person to just bond with, don't have that person to just love me for who I am. It's so hard to live without that when I know how good it is, and when I lived with it for so long. ARRGGHH.

(There was a point in the night where I was looking at your name in my phone, considering things...)

I'm well aware that people are worse off than me. Shit dude, I always try my best to eat every once of food I take from the d-hall because I am so aware of things. I always try my best to appreciate things. I get pissed as fuck when people don't appreciate the things they have... I def say, "I hate my life" versus "My life is so terrible." I don't have to like my life, even if it's a rather okay one. Mother fuckin' Great Gatsby, anyone? Urg.

I don't know why I'm so particularly upset. Oh well~

This week is Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving break. I need it. Bad. Can't wait to see my family and friends in the 'Cho! I especially miss Cindy, my Mom, my broski-bro, and Matty. Always miss Matty. Oh and Chris and Brittainy, too! Always, I want to be with them! HAH!

Man, this post reeks of retarded-ness sometimes. Oh well.

Overall, was a pretty good weekend. Now I gotta read shit fo' class, and shower, and eat, and get on with my life!

There's tomorrow to worry about: gotta edit my paper, finish my readings, and... y'know... get ready to go home. :)

I'm gonna be rollin' out on Weds. Weds afternoon, headin' home on the 17.

I'm excited. Gonna make so many friendship bracelets.

Oh and dude, Freshman gave me an iPod (!!!) so I can listen to music on the way home! ♥

Such a good Freshman.

Such good musics.

Annnnnnnnnd in celebration of our liquor of choice!:

Love...

so intense... good lord.

There's Greg. You guys know who he is.

& there's Nebraska. Some of you guys know who he is.

I can't talk about Nebraska. I can't think about him too much.

I still have his ring... man.

It's been so long, and I still choke up. Holy God. Still think about October 19th... January 15th... and of course April 29th...

I still remember turning away at the airport... the ride there... the music... everything...

My brain is so blown right now. I don't even know what to do...

Two weeks, frozen in our minds, for us to cherish forever...

But guys, don't talk to me about this one. 'Cause I've got Cameron to worry about and it'd take forever to explain. I've also got to read a book. The entire book.

(Look at me procrastinating like a pro!)

I just... wanted to post something.

I just... uuuuuuuugghh. :(

This week man, shit.

Giants need to win again tonight. It'll de-stress me again.
C'mon broski bros!

Whoa...

You're still there... :)

Mind = blown.

I hope Kitten is doing well! ^^/

Aggrivation, Yes Baby!

Hrmm. Kinda tempted to rant...

and seeing as I've already started a post:

Let the blood bath begin!

This one is for a friend (?) who has had his own posts before~

I know you know who you are. What I don't know is if you give a flying fuck enough anymore to even remember my blog exists.

See, now, I'm really happy that you've met someone. Honestly. It was all I was hoping for this summer. I wanted you to be happy, and now you are. Though I do find the fact that she's 16 (and just turned 16, too) pretty creepy. Not because she's immature, or anything, and I do like her, just there's a huge age difference. It's... concerning.

Why am I mad, then?

You used to always have the feeling that I was just using you until I went back to Santa Cruz, and I told you that we were actually friends. I felt so bad for so long and tried so hard to prove otherwise.

And now~

Funny how things work, right? Being used and all?

The moment you found someone new, I was out like garbage - not that I mind all that much, because you were taking one hell of a toll on my mental state, but whatever. It's just annoying, and I guess I'd say rude? I guess I might even deserve it, but yeah... thought you were working on your friendships, and your ability to maintain them? Hm.

Oh well, way to be an ass. It is indeed, the reason why I never gave you a chance. Funny that that was the exact reason you gave to Chelsea and Kayla when they asked why we weren't together.

And for your benefit, I'll explain why I was so pissed that you went crazy when Tony was here:

1. You met him. You hung out with him. You knew I was perfectly fine with him, and yet you still blew up not only my, but his phone.
2. Your reaction tells me that you believe that I can't handle myself around guys.
3. I was well aware that he liked me. You should have been aware that I can make whatever decision I want when it comes to my relationships. Also: tidbit of info here: I wasn't interested romantically.
4. You did the same thing a month before. I showed interest in a human being, you went crazy. I stopped talking to you for like a week, thought you learned your lesson. Guess not.

I've said before that I see you as a brother-type figure. Which would be fine and dandy if you weren't the overprotective type.

I'M BAACK

SO, after a loooooooooooong time spent laptop-less, I have returned.

And oh, dear blogger, I missed you a ton. No venting room is torture.

There's been quite a bit to vent about, as well...

BUT! I started writing this post specifically for a certain little reason.

Me... I don't trust myself anymore. But I know I'm a good person. A cool person. A person people like to be around. I'm not as shy as I make myself out to be. I don't want to be so damned shy anymore. The only reason I ever was in the first place was the fact that I was so damned scared of what everyone would think...

For example: during camping trips with the Specerts (and Matty! :]) I am bat-shit crazy. Borderline insane, and I am so happy. So joyous. And my happiness, and almost retardation keeps me, me. I really needed that camping trip to make me feel comfortable in my own skin again. I mean, after last year, I thought I was not only ugly, which for me, is sadly a thought I think of myself far too often, but too loose, as in I thought that I was borderline skank. I didn't do anything. Nope. I don't believe that shit, but I feel like I pretty much convinced myself that I was a terrible person. I'm not. I know I'm not. I am aware of who I am... I just have to remember this year that if people don't like me as the ditzy, loud, blonde girl who's happiness rivals that of another's depression, well, fuck 'em. I never really had this problem in high school. Never had to deal with the dire need to make friends. When I got to UCSC, I know that I was somewhat in a state of panic. And then I broke my hand. Found people. Some good, some bad. Still pains me to say that some are bad... but that'll be okay eventually when we both grow up a little more.

Okay... so! I want to discuss my super self consciousness about being skanky, loose, or minorly whorish, because I remember hearing last year that the girls thought I was a little loose. All I've got to say is wow, you either A) Lied to please the crazy B) Actually think so... SO I'm going to make clear that: Any action I took last year regarding men was not slutty. It's OK to like men or women, or whoever, just to clarify so I'm not seen as being discriminatory, and want to be in a relationship. I'm going to list some "boy" instances for me this year, and explain what I think about them, then say a piece on my ideas about dating, and stuff like that.

1) First crushes - People in Santa Cruz were new, attractive, and interesting. I basically had a crush on everyone and was a little bit of a creeper. I'll admit that. But I didn't do anything with anyone nor develop any actual feelings for any of those people. A crush is a crush. It's a silly infatuation.
2) Marc - I thought he liked me, I liked him. I feel like that's self explanatory.
3) Drunk Darlene - This is something I really want to address. Once Mark stopped talking to me last year I had nobody to feel totally comfortable around when I was drunk. I remember being asked once, "Why do you want to be with Ryan so bad?" Why? Because I trust him. I more than likely even liked Ryan more, and wanted to be with him because he was my friend. The hanging-off-ness comes with the Drunk Darlene package, I'm afraid -- but if that were ever to become an actual issue that needed to be worried about, y'know, I would've, but it didn't because Ryan and I are both mature enough to be around a member of the opposite sex and just be friends, (not to mention he has a wonderful girlfriend) doesn't mean I need to be attacked for wanting to be around him more than another group. After a while I started to branch out to more people, the people I really liked and trusted (Cam, Logan, British Jon). I did it with the girls too (Kendal, Julia, Liz), but that was never really noticed, and hey, personally, I'd prefer to hang off of a guy than a girl. I'm into them. IT'S OKAY TO BE A LITTLE FLIRTATIOUS. IT'S FUN. Just as long as you don't make bad decisions (AKA having drunk sex), I see nothing wrong with it. I mean God, I'm a whore? I'm just exploring my options. I'm only going to be in college once and I am going to live it up, explore, and hopefully find someone that will be my other half. I don't KNOW if it's going to happen in college, but it might, and why waste time not finding out? Er. Yeah. Rant. I just mostly wanted to say cuddling while drunk isn't slutty, it's pretty much perfectly normal.
4) Cameroon - I love Cam to death. We kind of both had a thing for each other, but decided it'd be best for us to just stay friends. I'm happy with it. :]
5) Creepy Kyle - So I was asked once, "Darlene, did you have sex with Creepy Kyle?" and I responded, "No." That's what happened. We hung out a bit, and I remember following him around one night, but nothing serious ever happened.
6) (cue dun dun dunnn) TANNER - DURRRRRRRRRRR this is the one that aggravates me the MOST! I feel like waiting a month, month and a half, maybe even two (I don't remember when they broke up) after a 1-2 month relationship is ample amount of time for someone to become interested in another person. AKA Tanner isn't a terrible person for liking me after some time, and nor am I a terrible person for giving him a chance. I had always liked Tanner as a person and I thought it might work out. Too bad it was the contrary, but whatever, he's still a very cherished friend, and c'mon, if we don't work, what more can I ask for? :D Either way, sure, I prolly messed up not asking Allyson if it was okay. I get that I crossed the line a little bit there, but then again, I sort of think that that was a silly place for the line. I had a best friend start dating a guy, who I had dated for 6-7 months, and had only been broken up with for a month. She's still my best friend. For me, men aren't worth friendships and some friends are not worth men, and the sooner more girls figure that out, the sooner I will have more female friends. I think with my brain and my heart, because anyone I am even minorly interested in dating is my friend. I honestly didn't think that it would become the biggest drama infestation I've ever had to deal with in my entire life. I didn't have to deal with petty bullshit of that level in high school. Just thinking about all of the idiotic pain and suffering I went through last year makes me want to throw up more. And I was already sick earlier today driving home from Fort Bragg. XD Oh, and, yeah. I had sex with Tanner. HE TOOK MY V-CARD, OH NO. Are you people crazy? Do you think Prince Charming is the only person you're ever going to have sex with? ARE YOU INSANE?! I'm glad Tanner was my first time. He's a good person and I trust him and I feel like he'll be a part of my life for a while - if not - oh well, life goes on.

I don't really know what else to say on that subject.

I feel a little better now, though. And my Mom's in my room talking to me so I guess I should prolly pay attention to her. Derp. ~.~

The Mess In the 'Cho

Ahhhh, home sweet home.

Such a bitter sweet home, right now.

Leeeeeeeeeet's roll back a few years, shall we?

This is one about Jacob.

Jacob Victoria.

Friend who's been trying to be more than a friend FOR-EV-ER.

K so, junior year of high school.

Sucked. Hardcore. I was alone most of the day at school, always sad, always feeling awkward, no matter how much effort I put into trying to be outgoing. Always too afraid of what people thought of me. (Not much different from now, really, eh?) I remember Ms. Davis' English class... man, I hated that class. Ms. Davis was awesome, and the class wasn't actually bad, but after Greg dropped out of it, I had near nobody to talk to, to smile at, to give me any sort of confidence. Maybe I could've shown someone I was interested in being friends. I feel like I did. Oh well. Junior year sucked. Hated being alone.

ANYWAY, after school, people would come over to my house. People always came over, that's what happened! Ever since like, the 6th grade, starting with our famous Wednesdays. (RIP good times) Annnnd Jacob just started showing up a lot. And he'd leave after everyone else, so we would chat for a while, bolster our friendship, and be happy. That was cool. Was really happy with that. I'd been so lonely at school that the additional time socializing was really good for me. The issue came about when he'd not leave until 8-9 PM, and I still had homework/a life to attend to afterward. (These are the days when I went to sleep from 10-11 PM) ALSO: I HAD A BOYFRIEND WHO WAS TRIPPING BALLS. Guys don't like it when their girls spend more time with another guy than themselves. Go figure. After a while, I guess the messages started showing up. The mass amounts of comments, or stuff like that on MySpace. And while flattering, and nice to read, messages from another guy, when you're already deep into a relationship, are just not healthy after a while. The guilt sets in, and your heart starts to break every time you see them. The thing is about Jacob is while he is weird, and kind of obsessive, he is a good guy, and just wants to love and be loved. He's such a romantic. Hehe! I am also, very romantic, and we both share a lot of common interests. And the thing is: I love to make people happy, so I continued to spend time with him. I just made sure he didn't come over more than once a week, so Greg would feel more comfortable. But in the end, I was finding myself trying to make too many people happy, and worrying about Jacob like I would worry about a boyfriend. He became a subject my mind wandered too far too much for my own good, and poor Greg's sanity. I wanted to make the poor kid happy. Always have. Anyway, in the end, I had to cut off all communication with Jacob. I couldn't handle it, Greg couldn't handle it, and he was basically tearing my relationship apart. That just would not do.

Now, it's a a few years later. I figured that we could possibly be friends again, because y'know, I like friends. I like to see people happy, and be happy with them. We started chatting again, and I was content, just like before. He really needed a friend, and I really needed a friend. We were excellent for each others health. A few nights before Spring Break, he texted me. He was basically a hot mess, and I was happy to be there for him. When I returned for break, we spent a lot of time together, doing a whole lot of nothing, and enjoying the hell out of it. I was really happy to have a old, and cherished friend back. But see, darlin', shit always goes wrong. After break, we just chatted through texts/facebook/whatever, and his feelings for me grew like muscles on steroids. They grew really fast, and really intense. It's not that I was unaware, and I had even previously warned him earlier on in the year, that if things got bad, I was going to stop talking to him again. I just... was unaware of how much those feelings had grown over being away from me. I didn't realize that when I got home, I'd have to deal with junior year Jacob all over again. He's... just like a prisoner... whenever that dog comes by with the key, he grasps and grasps and grasps for it... so desperate to set his heart free... it's really, really sad, and I wish I could cure that for him, but the only way to do so is to be with him, and I just don't feel that way.

So, after about a week of hangin' out in Rancho, chillin', and having a good time, Jacob and I got into a scuffle. And lord, I do not like to fight with people. Hate it. Hate telling them no, hate telling them anything negative. Honestly, I don't even remember what it was about. It was more of, "Do you want to hang out?" "No, I don't think that's a good idea without someone else around." which lead to questions. Always with the God damned questions. Questions you expect me to answer. Questions your eyes plead me to answer in the way you want. You think I've got my shit sorted out? Oh, I don't think so. They drive me insane. I get, and got frustrated with you that night, and I believe I still am. I don't want to break your heart, but if it's your heart, or my sanity, well, my sanity wins. Just BLOWS in the process that I can't get to know Matt/Aaron/Rory better, I guess. I'd say Chris too, but I know he doesn't like me sooo~! Yeah!

This time, there is no Greg. No boyfriend, no relationship, not even a hardcore crush. (There are cute boys in Santa Cruz though! WOO!) So I'm kind of scared. I don't have an excuse, I don't have a person to hide behind. I've got to deal with this on my own this time. And it was SO MUCH EASIER to deal with last time because I had Greg's support, and I was happy with him. Really happy. This time... no substantial blockade for Jacob to deal with... it scares me... because I am a person who will try to convince myself of feelings, in an attempt to be happy, and to make someone else happy. And I'm usually down to give people a chance, but with Jacob, if we went out for a week, it would prolly kill him if I broke up with him, which would prevent me from doing so for about a month, at least, prolly more, which in the end, is just wasted time. I don't know. There's no feelings. No relationship makes sense. Urrgg!

Bleh. There's just so much on my plate right now. I didn't even bite off this much; it was just shoveled upon my platter of issues, and now I've got to choke it down somehow.

Wasn't summer supposed to be relaxing? XD