When the Depression is Real

and you just can't stop crying
because you feel like you're worth nothing
and that you can't accomplish anything
and that you're an embarrassment to your friends, family, and education
too embarrassed to go outside
stress acne for five years
too anxious to talk to anyone face-to-face outside of the family
nervous about possibly going out this weekend
nervous about possibly not going out this weekend
nervous about telling other people possibly going out or not
nervous about calling driving lesson people
nervous about not calling driving lesson people
completely putting off dealing with student loans
wanting to hide... from everything...

will it help to put these words here?
or will I look back on this sadness
and wonder to myself if letting the world know how I feel
is an okay thing

I need to eat, and I have no hunger
warm water seems fine right now, because at least I'm drinking it
do I even deserve colder water?
I sure didn't have the ability to make it cold last night. Too sad.
Too stressed
by what - though?
Literally nothing. Nothing important.
Simply a brain telling me I am worthless
No matter how many nice words I hear
A brain telling me I am worthless
A face telling me I am ugly
Thoughts telling me I am too scared

maybe this will help.
maybe

UGGGGGH

Well, first of all, Blogger has a new style type thing. I don't really like it, but not because it's bad or less useful, but more because I didn't want Blogger to change. Oh well...

This morning, and recently, I got a swift kick in the ass reminding me of HOW MUCH people suck.

Like, seriously.

I've been meaning to post about this for a long time now, I guess, and I don't think I'm going to feel any better (or refrain from randomly going off on Jacob for no good reason) until I just fucking let loose and BE ANGRY at the people who've made me sad.

Well, not really angry. Just upset. Really, really, really upset.

First of all, I'mma address Ryan. Because this is the part that upsets me the most. I am really, really, really sad because of him. In Safeway the other week, I saw him for the first time in what feels like months. I think it was only one. See, the thing is, I haven't talked to Ryan in forever. Our last actual conversation was probably around his birthday (Feb 9th). And sometime in between then and now, he's gotten really, really angry at me and apparently can't even bring himself to talk to me, at all. Now, I'm not exactly sitting pretty here and saying I've tried, because I haven't. I just, like... am not actively trying to avoid him. I've refrained from speaking to Ryan so he can get over me. I know I hurt him. I know it sucks. I've always felt that the best way to get over someone is to be separate for a while, y'know? Give things time, come back, and be friends again. The first thing that Alec said when we got together was, "You guys better not ruin an awesome friendship." I didn't forget, Alec. I never did. :(
I really want things to be okay between me and Ryan, and on my side, they are. They always have been. This is just so shitty. I wouldn't act awkward around him, nor be mad at him, or anything. I think right now, though, I'd be a little upset, naturally, because of all of this hogwash bullshit...

I AM JUST SO SAD. SO, SO SAD.

None of this annoying losing friends bullshit was ever supposed to happen...

You know who follows me on Tumblr now, dear reader?
Julia. (and y'know, like Cory and Rayne and shit) That's it.
Dylan, Kendal, Tanner, and Ryan have all stopped.
Mark (never followed me in the first place...)
Dylan and Kendal got annoyed with me defending myself against Casey. Whatever. I mean, if they don't want to see me attempt to stand up for myself because it's long text, I guess I can understand. Besides, I probably won't ever see Dylan again. I'm totally okay with him moving on and stuff. No problem... Kendal is Kendal, and I feel like her not following me doing nothing to our friendship. The internet is just the internet, if I feel I need to actually communicate with her, or show her something, I just will. Whatevs.
Tanner probably hates me. Probably for good reason. lol
Mark is an asshole. Plain and simple. He is only selectively my friend. That's bullshit. I love him when he's my friend, but he is so mean to me all the time, and that's not how you treat your friends, bad day/mood or not. Dunno why I remain so hung up on him -- OH WAIT it's the fact that Mark has the potential to be one of the coolest people I've ever known, if he gets off of his pretentious ass high horse! RIGHT! Depressing.
Ryan has stopped following me twice. The first time was right after we broke up. Sure, s'cool, I understand. The second time... ??? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?! I have no idea. When did I turn into this manipulative bitch, or otherwise such a negative person that he had to stop following me? I don't understand... o.O I mean, I should just talk to him, but Goddamn, at this point, I feel like I'll be talking to a wall, or get hung up on. He wouldn't even LOOK at me at Safeway. I tried to say hi, I was nice. I wasn't awkward. I wasn't all up on Jacob in his face. I EXPLICITLY tried NOT to post things about having a boyfriend on Tumblr so he wouldn't feel bad. I EXPLICITLY did not put Jacob as my boyfriend on Facebook for a long time SO RYAN COULD FEEL BETTER. UGH. I just don't understand. I am so angry and frustrated and I've been really depressed because I feel like friendships that shouldn't be crumbling are doing so. It's stupid. Pointless.
Casey has stopped following me, too, but her presence on Tumblr is very limited. She might've just felt that I was stupid one day and decided to unfollow me. Meh. I feel that Casey's opinion of me has a great ability to fluctuate, and if Ryan is upset with me, and spoke to Casey of it, I feel that her opinion of me would probably be lessened after said conversation. Whatevs, though. Casey and I are tight when she wants us to be. I've told her many a time that I'll support her if she supports me.

SO I pointed out Julia following me on Tumblr because Julia and I have had a rocky history ever since Halloween sophomore year. I don't really want to discuss that, but I do want to say that Julia has always treated me personally with respect, even after she felt that I wronged her. I will always appreciate that from her. I really, really, genuinely enjoy our one-on-one conversations, and hope that somehow we can really become friends again. I feel like I miss her, a lot, which is pretty weird, because somedays I can kind of care less about her.... maybe I shouldn't say that after saying nice things and shit, but... I'm being honest here, y'know? I just like, am really sad all of these stupid, insignificant things get in our way of talking about films or book or boys or anything awesome... Julia and I connect so well on an intellectual level, and I just love talking to her about anything... I miss lunch! I still think of Julia when I put sprouts on a sandwich... they are better than lettuce... unless they're all gross because they've been left out forever... stupid d-hall.

Hrrrrm. I think that's enough about me being angry. I'm really sorry if that was hard to read. I'm going for super stream of consciousness here, as I type, I'm spelling most things wrong, and I only really stop typing to auto-correct my spelling errors.

EITHER WAY: the good.

1. Kristina
I've developed a very odd but nice friendship with Kristina. I like it a lot, and I hope one day we can just like, hang out, and I can not be awkward. I'm always awkward. Damnit!

2. Tumblr Teacher, Eli
SO I was really sneaky a few Fridays back and went out for a walk outside. (C'mon people, do I ever go outside willingly?! XDD) Anyway, I met this person I'd been talking to on Tumblr, Eli. He's the Tumblr Teacher! Such a cutie! See, the thing is, meeting people from the internet is sketchy in its own. Sure, midday, sunny, and at the Squiggle isn't exactly the place for some person to abduct someone or something, but it's really hard to convince other people that meeting people from the internet doesn't always lead to death... so I lied to Rayne about just going outside. I'm sorry Rayne, I also just kinda didn't want to explain at the time. I also have not told anyone about this... because I do think he's cute, and oh my gosh, if he lived in Santa Cruz, the amount of up ons I would try to be... heh. Prolly shouldn't say that, either, because Jacob will more than likely read this, but whatever. Honesty is the theme of this post. Besides... I'll prolly just tell him I made a long blog post anyway. I can't keep my mouth shut about anything! XD But, but, but Jacobi, if you are reading this madness, I want to tell you, though I am attracted to this other person, I am in no way pursuing it. Right now, I am with you (and very happy!), and I am not going to change that. I am sorry my heart is so fleeting, but currently, I am controlling it. For you. :)
Hrm, um, anyway. I really like this person, and am totally chill with just being friends with him. Don't have to date every cute guy I meet..!

Hrm so um, I feel like I'm out of things to talk about now. I guess. I also feel like I have to go read some Descartes for Senior Seminar. We had class outside yesterday. LitBro is best bro! <3 <3 <3

Blah blah blah, guess I don't mind the new Blogger too much, I can still sit here and type like a madwoman.

-- End Blog Post --

I Don't Know

...if  was ready to give up on him.
I miss him so bad.
What is wrong with me, and what is going through my head?

I can't stop crying. Everything, everything reminds me of him.

I love you so much, Ryan. I'm so sorry.

The 'Cho, and Why It Makes Me Sad:

(Click image for larger.)

I'll post actual words on this later. Maybe.

By the way: if you can tell who this person is, please let me know. I don't want anyone to bother them over a silly blog post made by some bitch that doesn't even know them. I'm using this as a statistic and am in no way making fun of them or their life.

Also: obviously edited for names.

Bad Depression is Bad

:/ don't even feel like writing most of the time... ~.~

Was Doing Better, but

Still pretty down. Blog isn't much consolation as of late.

:(

Friends Who Aren't Very Good Friends

Make me really, really, sad.

Super Anti-Glee Article

Minorly bat shit insane. I got a few good laughs from some of it.
Highlighted 'em in purple.

It's so disgusting to think that people are filled with such hate. So sad.

http://christwire.org/2010/01/what-every-parent-should-know-about-the-tv-show-glee/

An innocuous little show popped up on America’s tv screens late last year. Its name is “Glee” and it’s full of vibrant teens dealing with the gentle challenges of high school life. These are fresh-faced kids, hard working and motivated, who can break into song at the drop of a sweaty football. But is there more to this sugary pop of a series? Should parents be concerned about any subtext of adult themes and situations? What makes this show so popular?

An in-depth analysis of Glee will certainly raise the eyebrows of parents across America. It contains a surprising number of mature scenarios– from pre-marital sex to drug use, from adultery to abortion, from premature ejaculation to explicit homosexual experimentation. Glee goes out of its way to appear wholesome at first glance. The first 15 minutes of every episode is quite polite and that’s part of its success. It is colorful and cheerful with a scent of innocence. The message it seems to send is that teens should stay in school and aim for college. Yet beyond that (once the adults in the room tune out), it descends into a much darker place.
The Parents Television Council warns that Glee contains, “gratuitous sex, explicit dialogue, violent content, and obscene language. It is completely unsuitable for children.” This is reason enough parents should be tuning their teens out of Glee. But I would go even further– the ethical and social risks that Glee poses are so severe that it is unworthy of a home on a national network and should be removed from broadcast. I sincerely believe that no person or organization should continue to finance this show.

SEXUALITY, SPORTS AND SHOWTUNES

To understand the dangerous implications of this poorly conceived series, let me start with the characters. They are just not believable. All the women students look to be in their late 20s or early 30s in real life. The teachers aren’t the suffering and hardened types you’ll find in real American public schools. This rosy little place of Glee is devoid of gun violence, sexting, drug dealing, suicide and larger questions of faith.

Instead of a real world high school, we have a fantasyland of happy, shirtless teens hanging out in the showers or dancing on million dollar stages. Why must the producers of this show have so many shots of the football team in the locker room? They’re constantly dropping their shorts and jumping into a steamy shower, showing off tight biceps or lathering themselves all over with a fresh bar of soap. Is this some crafty attempt to appeal to the homosexual segment of the show’s audience? Is it really appropriate for today’s male teens to let this sort of softcore utopia influence them?

Additionally, the show has far too many musical numbers. From R&B hits to showtunes to classic rock & roll, the boys and girls of Glee really can put on a performance. But it’s not convincing on that million-dollar stage. They come across as trying too hard with their exaggerated facial expressions and hip posturings, the soaring voices ranges. They’ve clearly been coached. The singing is just too finely polished. The dance numbers are too excruciatingly choreographed. No high school kids can put on these sorts of shows at the spur of a moment. These things require years of gut-wrenching training.

Ultimately, these ad hoc songfests give children a very false impression about talent and success. They are led to believe if they just spin around and shout, they’re creating world-class music. They are led to believe we live in a world where anybody and everybody can succeed as long as they have heart. But this is far from true. Some people are born with the vocal chords for music, others have the bodies for football and others have the brains for math. That is reality. But this show is a drug of false expectations that will inevitably harm our children. It convinces impressionable teens to avoid serious career training in favor of having “fun” in the “arts.” Also, the music numbers just drag down the plot of the show.
On a related note, Glee’s actors constantly make the argument that excelling at athletics does not contribute anything to the college application process. They posit the theory that a singing club will make you more likely to get into Ohio State or Princeton. This is false and it’s reckless for the creators of this show to promote such disinformation. Athletics have been a proven stepping-stone for academic and business success for over a century. The number of athletes who have gone on to full scholarships at the very best universities in this country are legion and legendary. Nothing even close could be said of a minor high school singing club. If children take this belief to heart, it could wind up seriously hurting their chances of college survival as well as their health (sports are essential for keeping fit, strong and attractive!).
Another major fault with the show is its fawning celebration of teenage homosexuality and consumer indulgence. Again the show makes the case that accepting the gay lifestyle and making yourself as outrageous as possible will help you achieve something despite whatever social limitations you may have. Disregarding any sense of fair play, the show does not offer any alternative to the gay lifestyle argument. There are no teens cured of their relentless and wild male sex desires, there are no moral figures on hand to give a comforting hand, there are no popular boys who say, “I don’t want to hurt my family anymore and I love Jesus, so I am going to stop doing gay things with guys in the bathroom.”


THE GOLDEN GIRLS CONNECTION

Recently, I wrote about studies that revealed the dangerous influence that the 1980s tv show “The Golden Girls” had on American men now in their 30s, 40s and 50s (see “The Golden Girls: How One TV Show Turned A Generation Of American Boys Into Homosexuals”). The link between watching the Girls and increased risks of homosexual behavior was made abundantly meaningful. In a nutshell, the Golden Girls turned a generation away from procreation. It made our American boys into the most raunchy, campy, carnal people on the planet. If, as a society, we could have returned to the 80s with what we know now and stop that show, American culture might be drastically different today.

As I write about Glee now in 2010, I can’t help but think that America is on the threshold of another dramatic cultural shift. If we let this show continue, our children will find a way to watch it. It is a drug that is that addictive. If our children continue to watch, they will undoubtedly be influenced by its radical same-sex messages. A generation from now, when these children become adults, what kind of country will the United States be? How many middle-aged men will find themselves in a dead-end Glee-based lifestyle? Will they be ostentatious and sensitive, their dreams smashed up against a wall crying out to have that giant hole in their souls stuffed with some musky foreign thrill? Will they be violating what’s left of our traditional cultural landscape with unimaginable high-tech perversions, drenching, nay drowing the bright young men of tomorrow in their relentless sauces of net porn and showtunes, maximized liberties and stem-cell party drugs? Will male sports just become an excuse for gay locker room orgies? How long until these types also legislate to destroy the beauty of marriage, the safety of religion, the rights of the righteous? Look into the eyes of a young Kurt Hummel. Is that not the face our of future’s polymorphously perverse intellectual terrorist? Change the channel my friends. Change the channel and change the world!

PARENT’S GUIDE TO THE CAST OF GLEE

• Football Player Finn: An implausible character who goes both ways– glee club geek and handsome football star. He reminds one of the old lady Sophia on The Golden Girls– a bit of a cute, befuddled sidekick with some comic lines, but not a central character in the best scenes on the show. I truly feel for the actor who performs this poorly-written role, though I do enjoy his deft moves on the football field.
• Sue the Cheerleading Coach: Her acting comes across as pretentious and egomaniacal and possibly too masculine (is this intentional?). Tone it down a bit, that’s my advice. Bea Arthur of The Golden Girls has already done everything and anything you could possibly imagine doing in your career, Sue.
• Jewish Rachel: This girl is beautiful (and 30). I don’t understand why she’s playing like she’s ugly and unpopular! When gay people write tv dramas they often have no clue about what real women are like.
• Artie, Wheelchair: I don’t believe he sings. The lip-synching is frighteningly obvious and a sad footnote to this show. Couldn’t they have gotten an actual talented singer for this role? Plus, he needs a sidekick or a funny catchphrase.
• Mercedes Jones: Her sassy attitude does not set the right example for today’s young girls. She does sing well, and I appreciate that but I really don’t think this show is the right fit for her career. She really sticks out like a sore thumb. I could see her in a church choir, however. Or maybe play the wheelchair role?
• Quinn, Slutty Cheerleader: She is most definitely the “Blanche Devereaux” of Glee.
• Gay Kurt Hummel: I am afraid the makers of this show have dangerously indulged this young man’s fetish for expensive outfits. Children watching may be tempted to experiment with similar radical wardrobe choices. Why is everything he wears so bright and tight? Are we supposed to guess at the source of his income for such extravagance? Why did he quit football team? Will the writers of this show actually force him to do an on-air homosexual kiss or even worse? Sadly, with his clothing obsession and sassy attitude, Kurt Hummel may be destined to become this generation’s Betty White.
• Football Coach: Is it really necessary to have a man his age in such small shorts so often? Is this supposed to be funny?
• Will Schuster, Head of Glee Club: This effeminate charlatan is a surprising choice for the horndog adulterer. For many adults, he is not convincing in the least. Personally, I do not believe in having homosexual educators (or adult actors, for that matter) in such intimate, private contact with young people. Please, we do not need to see any more half-hearted and frankly laughable sex scenes involving this wet noodle.
• Victor Matlin: I really don’t know why he is on this show. He was in Titanic! I find the hugging with his son unseemly.

The Weekend of the Captain!

I've sure been doin' a lot of these recap thinggers lately... prolly 'cause I've got time on the weekends to blog blog blog 'til my daddy takes my computer away~ ♪♪

Man, that's silly. Duurrrrrr hurrrr hurrrr ...

So, wtf am I goin' to talk about today? I guess I should start with Friday, don't think anything huge and/or significant happened during the week.

Friday was cool: Rocky Horror. My friend Stephanie was Janet, and she was adorable. So awesome. I danced on stage with Ana and Cory, and it totally made my night! Besides, my legs looked awesome in those heels. Ohhh baby. :]

Ladies!

That night basically consisted of Cpt. Morgan, Rocky, order pizza, pass out. It was good, it was chill. No depressed Darlene, ftw.

THE NEXT DAY! Saturday!

I got up and dressed around noon. Left my place around 1:45. Went to a house on Ocean street for a house show. Stayed until like, 6 something. Silly Creature was awesome, as usual, Time Machine was... pretty good? And Zeyphr's band was a FUNK band and it impressed me quite a bit! So cool! Voto was also there for a while makin'... beats? Or something... dunno... with a pedal board. Neat neat neat!

After that, Pranov and I went to Taco Bell. We feasted. Crunchwraps, hooo!
Wes was also with us. Is it bad that I'm basically totally sketched out by him? Hah...
THEN we went to the Pacific Cookie Company to see Max (Pranov's friend) annnnnnnnnnd we got some cookies. I had a chocolate covered snickerdoodle.

Friends are good, right? I think so.

We went to the downtown house for a bit afterward. I think Pranov was in the bathroom or something, because Wes and I were chillin' in the front room by our lonesomes for a while. Sort of weird, but whatever. We decided to roll out to Church House early to try and avoid the storm getting any worse. Dunno if it was a good call or not... heh

We ended up at Church House at like 7:40. 'Bout 20 mins early, but there were people there already anyway. No biggie. We just attempted to dry off and hung out for a bit. Church House has stadium seating now and it's awesome!

Riley showed up next. The boys had some beer, they were content. A little wet, but content~ ♪♪

Then Cory, Freshman, Logan, and Tanner showed up. I was joined on the couch for a bit, but then people were like "HOMYGOD BEER PONG GOOOOOO!" Annnd I ended up warmin' the couch by myself for a while. Was nice. Relaxing. I was super tired from the like... 4 hours of music earlier, anyway.

I finally got up to go watch some pong. I was interested in their rules... comapin' 'em to our Rancho rules. We play hardcore pong in the 'Cho. Intense shit, y'know?

I feel like Rory would have been proud. Hah.

Anyway, during that, I heard there was more rum. Cpt. Morgan again. Mmmm. I had myself a shot. A tasty tasty shot... and then made myself some rum and coke. Def my favorite drink... :)

Downed that pretty quick, then had another shot. 'Twas my alcohol intake for the night... because the rum disappeared quickly...

Phrase of the night.

Oh then Voto showed up... and I was like heeeeeeeeey~!

I feel like I def drunk hit on him. A lot. S'ok. Liquid courage goooooooo!

But, at the end of the night, I managed to ask him if he'd like to spend some time together sometime, and he gave me a rather excited yes. Pretty sweet, dude!

BUT I got no number... lolfail... Tanner def got it... DERRRRP.

I also dunno if he was so excited 'cause he was drunk, too. Merp. Self-doubt, hooo!

So, the bands that played were pretty good. Six in one day. Was like a festival. In my backyard. SO COOL. (I ♥ SC!)

I can't remember the third band's name, but of course, our loves, Under a Western Sky played, and another new (?) band named In the Airplane played as well. Was a good show. Under a Western Sky created a mosh pit, as usual. Was a rather intense one. I was sitting off to the side (with Voto, btw, GLEEEEEEEEEE) and I got hit in the mouth, and then someone knocked my glasses off and one of the nose pieces def scratched my face a bit. Ooow. OH well. If I had actually been in that pit, I prolly would have died. Was fun watching my friends go, though!

Freshman said he got like, 4 concussions. I dunno man. I dunno.

Blaaargg. So the music ended around 11, and everyone was intoxicated enough already so we decided to roll back onto campus. Was prolly a good call.

The bus was stupid full when we got on, the bus driver was hella legit and let WAY more of us than he should have (by bus company type thing regulations)... it was awesome.

I didn't have anything to hold on to, so I kind of kept falling over. Sorry, Riley & Tanner. XD

When we went past the UCSC guard thing, all of us in the front ducked. It was so funny.

The bus also died twice. Succcccccccch an awesome bus ride! Yahooo! :]

Yep. Anyway. Made it back to Porter. Drank another shot (forgot about that one!), went to my room, hung out for a bit. Tanner ordered a shit load of pizza... blah blah blah watched some YouTube videos...

I think I almost cried again. Def almost went into depressed drunk Darlene mode again. Meh.

Whenever I feel bad, though, the guys always tell me, "it could be worse, you could have a dick."

I dunno how that's supposed to make me feel better. At all.

And I kept saying, "I hate my life" last night... I do, sort of. Lately I've been really, really down. Can't find a relationship... I miss them so much... don't have that special person to just bond with, don't have that person to just love me for who I am. It's so hard to live without that when I know how good it is, and when I lived with it for so long. ARRGGHH.

(There was a point in the night where I was looking at your name in my phone, considering things...)

I'm well aware that people are worse off than me. Shit dude, I always try my best to eat every once of food I take from the d-hall because I am so aware of things. I always try my best to appreciate things. I get pissed as fuck when people don't appreciate the things they have... I def say, "I hate my life" versus "My life is so terrible." I don't have to like my life, even if it's a rather okay one. Mother fuckin' Great Gatsby, anyone? Urg.

I don't know why I'm so particularly upset. Oh well~

This week is Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving break. I need it. Bad. Can't wait to see my family and friends in the 'Cho! I especially miss Cindy, my Mom, my broski-bro, and Matty. Always miss Matty. Oh and Chris and Brittainy, too! Always, I want to be with them! HAH!

Man, this post reeks of retarded-ness sometimes. Oh well.

Overall, was a pretty good weekend. Now I gotta read shit fo' class, and shower, and eat, and get on with my life!

There's tomorrow to worry about: gotta edit my paper, finish my readings, and... y'know... get ready to go home. :)

I'm gonna be rollin' out on Weds. Weds afternoon, headin' home on the 17.

I'm excited. Gonna make so many friendship bracelets.

Oh and dude, Freshman gave me an iPod (!!!) so I can listen to music on the way home! ♥

Such a good Freshman.

Such good musics.

Annnnnnnnnd in celebration of our liquor of choice!:

Now I Feel Like Writing More

I just feel... so sad... so uncaring... it's such a weird thing for me.

There's like 5 or 6 of my good friends in my front room right now, and I'm sitting in here griping about life... ARGGHH

Not going to Fish Rap, either. Ug I'm a bad person. But I just feel so awful today...

So lonely.

Bleh. I can't think of more stuff to say. I'm just listening to soft music and it's making me relax a lot...

I really want a cuddle buddy. :(
...but I just can't...

I can't wait until next weekend. It'll be fun. :)

Not that this weekend wasn't, Friday was quite possibly one of the best parties ever, but yeah. Saturday I started feeling the way I do now. Hmmm.

Oh. World. I've really enjoyed watching the Giants games... they're in the World Series now so Riley is super smiley, which is nice, and it's just been cool to take part in something. I guess. Aha.

Bleeeeeeeh. I miss Cindy. I miss Brittainy. I miss Matty, and Chris... and my Nicolie. ♥

I'd miss Jacob too, if we weren't in the middle of pretending the other person doesn't exist. XD

Whatever bro...

RIP Grandpa

:(

I'll post more on this later, but today has been a rough day.

Funerals are weird.

Sad Panda, Encore

I don't want to be mad...

I don't want to be here...

I don't want to be alone...

I don't know what to do...

SO MUCH ANGST

So......

hi blog.

Sure haven't posted anything significant for a while...

News: done with first year of college.
Other news: God damn my life is aggravating.

This thing... the menu thing for Stranger than Fiction (good movie, btw) keeps playing and playing and playing and playing and I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. Except I do. But I don't want to move. I want to keep writing. What the hell is the point of moving, anyway? God I hate moving. I hate doing things. I have to think, and good lord I would be ecstatic to be out of my head for merely an hour. I also wish I could spell. GAAAHHH! GAH GAH GAH. I want to live in SoCal, I want more! ALWAYS MORE. Am I just a person who cannot be satisfied? I don't really want to live in SoCal. Fuck SoCal. Except the Lakers have cool colors, but man, silver and purple are so pretty together. Meh. I don't really care about basketball at all, anyway. I just enjoy doing things with friends, and y'know, if it means cheering for a team I could not give two shits (TWO SHITS! or would that be a half a shit, to make it less significant?) about, hell man, I'm there. I like to see people smile. A lot. I love to see people happy, I love to see them enjoying their lives, but I feel like that is all there is to life for me. I haven't basked in the awesome warmth that is happiness in a long time. Well, that's a lie. I was really happy when Mark gave me a hug when I asked for one. But that happiness was pretty much completely trampled upon by his and Allyson's act of totally ignoring me (Fuck that shit, btw, I had never felt so God damn abandoned in a long time). I wonder if either of them read this. God I miss Mark. I miss him being my friend, and not some person I have to worry about all the time (Y'know, when I'm around, this is kind of irrelevant now, and this is also inserted to make me seem less creepy. 'Cause I'm not that creepy, really.). Can we just go back, please? That's all I want. A friend. Well, I have Cindy here, but yeah, at college, I am miserable, I am so alone. I spend my time with Doctor Who. (Not that that is too much of an issue, 'cause good lord David Tennant is HOT) BUT GAH! My happiness comes from my fantasies, and not my own life. How do I create happiness? How does it happen? I was happy before? Can I be ignorant again? It seems that while I was, I was happy, I was content, I did not give a fuck. Man, I miss Ryan too. OH! Ryan. Ryan = best friend at college, by a long shot. But you see, while I have him, it's just... not the same. Y'know, person reading this? Ryan has Brytnny. I cannot, and will not, ever try to be more to him than she is (as in closeness, in case you're reading! :]), because that's just wrong, and I understand that and I'm good with that. I love that me and Ryan are friends. It's just... I get lonely. I get the type of lonely that I feel only like, love can cure. Maybe that's the thing with Cindy too. Maybe that's why where ever I go, I'm alone. I miss waking up everyday, with someone on my mind. Nowdays, all I can do is observe. I'm too holed up, too reserved, too shy to do a damned thing, or merely mention to anyone that I might slightly be interested. I just don't know. And now, here at home, I had so much hope for a friendship that I thought could possibly work again, but as the days drag on, my hope dwindles and dwindles. It's fucking impossible. Stupid happiness. I always think, should I have given him up? Heh. Except there's two "hims." Interesting fucking plot twist, assholes. Hehe. Always wanted to type that. Menu. Still. Going. Wonder how long I've been typing. Prolly not that long. Doesn't seem too long. Been texting Jacob in between. I need to do this more often. It's relaxing. I'm thinking about writing about how I feel about B5. Oh yes, dear reader, since I don't have to see faces for 3 months, and furthermore, prolly don't have to see any faces I don't want to more than random coincidence next year, fuck this shit. Fuck it in the butt. Butt butt. Christ. I'm so upset. I kind of hate everything B5 embodies. We came together to give everyone a home, to not judge, to be friendly, and care for each other. The only damned thing we accomplished was we became a family. A family with ups and downs, and aunts and uncles, and crazy people. (I don't know who out aunts and uncles would be, btw!) And like my family, we've got people that just resent each other. And until a while ago, that resentment was one sided. BUT HEY WORLD, GUESS WHAT, I'M A BITCH, I'VE GOT FEELINGS, AND I AM MOTHERFUCKING HUMAN, AND WILL BE TREATED ACCORDINGLY. Lord I am so angry right now. Sitting here like a true freaking writer. In complete silence (except for that damned menu thing - ironic the movie is about writing... kinda... whatever) Guess it's not complete silence but whatever. Urg. Shit I say should make sense. I think I consider this silence because it's like, a 30 second clip? Maybe not even that - on repeat. The noise is irrelevant to my thought, and stuff, so I guess I am considering it silence. Maybe this is why I can work well even where there is noise. I just ignore it. Holy shit on a stick I digress like a crazy soooon of a bitch! Hm. I'd like to meet a crazy son of a bitch. Might be my type. Durrrr. Durrr. Dylan. I love Dylan. He's such a sweetheart. And Rebecca. I'm sure she's taking very very good care of Smokey. Wish I could've seen her more. Such a cute mouse. I was totally prepared to take care of her, and I don't consider myself excused from faltering in her care because of Allyson's resentment of me. Should of just grew a God damned pair and shown the world, not even the world, 'cause like hell B5 is the world, that I am a person who is to be respected. Just because I'm ditsy and blonde doesn't mean that I do not think. It does not mean that I don't notice things. That I'm just a dumb clown. Those who believe I am have just not yet known the person I am. It's not like it's really all that easy to get to know me anyway,(unless you read this!) because I'm just bad at communicating. Bad at communicating. Such a God damned stupid awful phrase and excuse. I'm not even trying to be discreet. Thinking that your issues are above everyone else's in the world. Hi, you're just about the most conceited person I've ever met. I'm not going to say my shit is more terrible, less terrible, or equally terrible than yours, girlie, but darlin', for you to be so damned selfish and not think of ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO ARE CURRENTLY DYING makes me sick to my stomach. Fucking shit dude. I'm enjoying this wall of text. It's making me happy. I am venting. Yet, there is no expression on my face. No tears. No expressed anger. Just me, sitting here, typing, typing away. Typing away two quarters of pain misery sorrow and loneliness. Fuck being lonely. I don't want to guys to pick on Ryan for being not-so-great at DotA. Who the fuck cares about DotA? Nobody should get hurt over stupid, stupid games. Games are for fun, and enjoyment. It's cool to compete, but once the competition is over, it's over you fucks. Urg Urg Urg Blarg Blarg Blarg. I really hope Kendal reads this. I love her to death, and I've got to say some things to her, as well. Not bad things. Because I love Kendal. Just... things. Hopefully I'll write about them now. This is a very, very, very honest Darlene, and this is not a drunk Darlene, which means time for rantin', ravin', and all around insane stream-of-consciousness stuff. HEY, I CAN'T FUCKIN' STAND YOU, LOL! Yep. That was the next thing on my mind. So much pent up rage, so much pent up anger. But I'm a God damned coward, and I don't like conflict. I can't deal with it, because it's so damn pointless. At least, like this, I won't really have to deal with anything more than I would have to already. Good fucking times, people. Man I like to curse. Fucking has def got to be one of my favorite words. How can you get more intense than fucking? It's natural human instinct. Raw, vulgar, and there for everyone to see! YEAAAHHH FUCKING. Such a good word. Hehe. Always wanted to type that too. I feel like if Jacob reads this he'll enjoy that line. Oh YEAH! Fucking. Hehe. Fucking. Someone hasn't done it yeeeeeeet and has been lying about it since sophomore yeaaaaar! Hella. Days. Funny. So funny. Thank you, Alex. Teehee. Got a school girl thing goin' on today; it's pretty cute. Reminds me of fucking. Girrrrl, you make me rage. Maybe more than Ella did. Ella. Heh. Can't remember his real name. Damned stupid heartless bastard. GRRR! I feel like it was Andrew. But I love Andrew. Oh. I've got to see Andrew. Maybe you're lost? It's okay, 'cause I'm lost too darlin'. Darling Darlene, thank you Brytnny, you are such a sweet heart. I meant everything I wrote in your yearbook! ♥ Hearts hearts hearts. I want mine to flutter again, mother fuck. FLUTTTEEER. Also a very good word. Maybe that's why I enjoy Joyce Carol Oates so much. She freaking gets it. Holy hell don't know how long it's been since I've written this much. I should really move on to Kendal. Kendal Kendal. God I love the KendalKorn. Looks cool with the "K" too! Okay, so first things first: Logan. He told me he liked you, I was like, d'awww, good luck bro! And I know, KendalKorn, sweet sweet KendalKorn (not meant to be creepy, btw!) that your only experience with friends and guys in the same boat is "HOMYGODIHATEYOUFOREVERDIEBITCHDIERAGGGEEE" annnnnnnd that's not really such a good thing. Now, when I learned that you actually liked him back, I tripped so many balls. The balls of my balls were trippin', and they were trippin' hard. I was SO FREAKING EXCITED for you, darlin'. So he didn't like me. Oh well. Got over it. So he liked you. COOL MY FRIEND CAN BE REALLY HAPPY. That's how it's supposed to work. Friends are supposed to stay friends. They're not supposed to got bat shit insane because of men. Especially men who aren't worth it. Meh, that's kind of mean, but that's what needed to be said (typed?) there. He's not a bad guy; just doesn't realize when he's being a douche bag. Douche. French. God I envy Julia for getting into French 5. So much that I didn't congratulate her. Man, I suck. Stupid envy. Haha. I'm sure she knows that I think that's awesome. Or I hope that she is reading this now and is like, "HEY, DARLENE LOVES ME!" 'cause I most def do. I just want to be further in French, too! Fuck the stupid passe compose. Fuck accents, as well. Fuck them all. DURRRR. Okay, so, got to finish with Kendal. Whenever I see you Kendal, well, actually, only when Allyson is around, I see this sadness in your eyes. Maybe it's just because I'm insane, but I feel, and have felt, for a very long time, that our friendship is totally different when she is around, and when she is not around. Because when Allyson is around, you're not allowed to show hardly any interest in me, except for purposes of common decency. I feel that you are being bogged down, and judged, and somehow, you can't bring yourself to escape that. It's not so bad though, def not as bad as Mark, who has now shown me how much he can just follow someone. Someone who I honestly believe does not care about him as much as he thinks. It makes me sad. So sad. Here I am, like, four to five months later, still being sad about Mark. He's such a good guy. So confused. So awkward. Haha. I wasn't exactly the best of friend, but I def wasn't a terrible one, and if I was, I tried my best to reprimand everything I could. Sometimes, I am stupid. You don't think one day she'll do something incredibly stupid? Or that one day you'll do something she doesn't approve of, and she'll drop you like last night's dinner? God I'm just so sad. And all of this is so past overdue. Finally turned the sound off. Now there's just that picture playing in my peripheral vision. My vision that is pretty much nonexistent. Maybe it's the glare of the TV that makes me pay so much attention. Ugh. Just so much ugh. I hate texting. I hate it. So so sad. So pitiful. So distraught. So many bad thoughts in my mind. I need a vacation from life. I want to go back to Nebraska... should have never given all of that up... I had everything... I had ever wanted... and I just wanted more, because I'm never satisfied. Maybe he was the love of my life, and I gave it up for my dreams. For me. Dreams. Selfishness. Ug. FUCKING STOP TEXTING ME HOLY SHIT. So clueless. Just stop. Stop stop stop. Stoooooooooop. Sad sad sad. Nebraska. Greg. Two things I think about all the damn time. Most of the world doesn't even know about Nebraska. Greg never knew a damn thing. Ever. Heh. Hope he's happy with Kim... though as far as Alex is concerned his life seems pretty damn dull. Except for the Disneyland business. That's pretty cool. God I miss Disneyland and Orchestra and life being okay. Man I can't wait for Distant Worlds, either. It's going to be excellent. I think I'm tired now. So tired. Didn't say as much as I wanted to... but that's the norm. Always is. That's why it's the norm. Dur. Dur. Dur. Durr Gil-Gomez! Haha. Hehe. Ohohohoho~!

Someone needs to come into my life.

Stupid Worthless God Damn RAGGGEE

Leaving for the summer...

and people still don't give a shit enough to merely look twice at me.

God, I'm so ready to be home...

T.T

at least my roommates are awesome. Ugh.

Worst. Feeling. Ever.

I Am Still

Just a sad, scared, lonely little girl
...in a world far too harsh for my feeble mind.

When will it end? When can I live again?

Rollin' Sad Panda...

...I feel like mostly everything I do is pointless.

Or more, I feel as if I have no connection to the things I do now days.

No direction, no purpose, I just do things.

I feel disconnected from life, from people, from the world.

I feel like an outsider, eavesdropping on a world that was never actually meant for me...

(Though, I'm sure, since I'm human, it kind of was meant for me...?)

Someone, please.

Just look at me once, look at me and care, look at me and want to hold my hand, tell me it'll be okay... I need a fucking rock.

I'm so tired of all these pebbles. I miss my rock. Rocks. Rocks. I like rocks.

I don't believe that Cameron actually liked me, even for a minute... not anymore. No more hope. Logan doesn't like me as anymore than a friend. I'm mostly sure of that now. Blarrrrrrrg.

Nobody asks why I look so God awfully depressed when I walk into the lounge - nope.

The lounge makes me so sad. I need to be away. Summer needs to come.

I miss my rock.

Rocks. They're good things.

~.~ @ life, yo.

I Kind of Miss

FFXI.

Why?

'cause the real world is no damn better.

There's still assholes here that will do anything, walk over any person, whatever, to get what they want. "Gear" is just defined differently in the real world.

It's fucking pitiful. Ugh. I see why Rubino just hates people.

Even if I was staring at a screen all day,

more times than none, I was happy.

and if not happy -- I was at least bored.

Now... most of my days are mediocre at best...

and still boring.

and I can't craft IRL! FUCK! XD

I really liked to make money.

and pizza.

so much pizza.

YUUUMM.

Blarrggg. Hella days in a slump.

Too confused to come out of it, too.

:( Sadface.

BUT! I am going to the Distant Worlds concert with Jacob this summer.

That'll be freakin' awesome.

Hate Hate Hate

Sinking feelings.

Please, please, please, please.

Don't go away.

Please, happiness.

Stay?

It's Been Such a Long Time

...since I've made a legitimate blog post.

Let's see..

update on life:

Spring break was really awesome. Spent a lot of time with Jacob, and threw a pretty good party. Danced on a table with the best friend. Yep. ♥

I think I really like this guy named Logan, but some other interesting things have happened lately and I'm not 100% sure about that right now.

Other interesting things meaning... my friend Cameron...

I think I'll let you know that story later, dear blog, 'cause I dunno how I feel about it right now.

In other words -- Kick Ass is an awesome movie. The little girl is wtf bat shit crazy and it's kind of totally freakin' awesome.

Now! Back to boys and blahblahblah

I dunno how comfortable I am with putting stuff so personal on the internet anymore.

Mostly because now I really have no idea who reads it, and in which way they take it. I know my now ex-BFF Mark used to read this blog often, and honestly I don't know if he does anymore. He hasn't talked to me in like, 3 months. ~.~ Julia has also read this before, and while I hope to God we're still fairly good friends, sometimes I worry because I'm scared, sad, and still more or less mortified by Mark's abandonment of me. I just don't want to post anything to make either of them think less of me... though I don't know if that would affect how Mark feels about me, anyway.

When this was a blog about FFXI, and FFXI only, well shit, I honestly didn't give a fuck what people thought -- they lived usually over 1,000 miles away and if I never wanted to speak to them again I didn't have to. I didn't have to deal wih their bullshit, their criticism, or their judgmental eyes... passing them in the hall, pretending they are non-existent... urrrghh!
The other thing about a blog about FFXI was it was just a game. I feel like I'm more or less not only posting my story online, but my friends' too. I guess it was the same for FFXI, but who the fuck would care if you were a little bit of a dick in a video game in the real world, really?

At least I think so... kind of.

I dunno. I just don't feel like it's okay for me to post things about other people. Not anymore. I care far too much for Logan, and Cameron, and Kendal, and Tanner, and Julia, and even Allyson and Mark to make our lives here a text based reality TV show. But I also miss writing. I miss ranting. I miss not giving a fuck about so and so's reaction. Because I am me when I write, and God damnit, I am not a bitch when I write. I have a backbone and I am strong, and the itty bitty bit of rage that does live within me can be unleashed.

Argh. I'm just so aggravated. So confused. So grouchy 'cause I got yelled at 'cause I kinda fail at DotA. (lol)

Oh -- in other other words: got my first hickey. I think? And by first I mean set of four.

Think on that, muthafucka.

I'd like to think my personal reaction to finding them this morning was kind of priceless.

OH! and James, sweet gay guy who used to live with Robert, said that I should write for FRL! again.

That kind of made my night. He's such a sweetheart.

I Hope That...

You know how sad I am that our friendship is strained 'cause of this... crap...

:(