Man

I just got in a really big fight with Jacob and now I want to die.
So much for that being a good paper. UGH. I was so happy with it earlier, too.

So Apparently I REALLY Needed to Write More!

Man oh man, last night was a freaking disaster. Hahhahaha.

My brain still hurts from how bad it was. Ho-lee shit, dude.

There wasn't even time for anyone to awkwardly hit on anyone there were so many crying women and people and everything ever hoooomaaaaaaaan

Anyway, so, um, title ^

Apparently I needed to explain what the fuck and how I feel about things

I want to say something, though, before we get into this:

1. I never wanted to explain any of this. I might still not. Everything between me, Ryan, and Jacob is our own business, isn't it? Why should everyone know everything ever about what's going on? Why can't people just see that he, I, and Jacob are okay, and then mind their own damn problems?
2. Your opinion doesn't matter. I don't give a flying fuck about how you feel about the situation. I'll ask you if I want to hear your opinion. If not, keep it to yourself. A huge factor in everyone having a bad night last night was people putting things into Ryan's head. Jacob, Ryan, and I all went into last night looking to have a good time. It didn't happen, and it's not on us, guys. If everyone had not had something to say on the matter, Ryan would have been fine, and then he wouldn't have said things to make me upset.
3. If you don't understand the context of the situation or the people involved, it's really hard for you to make an opinion I'll actually consider listening to. 
4. I am not dragging Ryan nor Jacob through the dirt. Ryan and I are over. He's having a hard time dealing with his emotions right now. That doesn't mean I'm dragging him through the dirt. In fact -- I am doing the opposite by telling him he can still rely on me for emotional support. 'Cause, y'know, friends fucking do that shit for each other, right? It's also not my fault that he hasn't attempted to talk to me as much as he wants to. He can learn to ask for help, because I'm not going to sit here and baby him anymore. I know he's hurt, but it's time for him to man up and either ask for help or solve his own problems. Nobody is gonna do it for him. The hardest of times are the best to be a fucking bad ass. 
5. Jacob and I are dating. I've already let him know that if I want to date somebody else, I will. He believes it. It scares the shit out of him, and that kinda sucks. But the fact of the matter is: I really want some freedom right now. He knows that and respects it. It's fine. There's absolutely no reason why we can't enjoy each other right now, though, because I'm not interested in anybody else right now, and what people fail to understand about me and Jacob is that we've always had this bonkers-crazy close relationship. We're just like, being more romantic about our emotions, y'know? So what if I like him. I do. It's okay, and if you think not, please see #2 again.
6. You don't know Jacob. Stop having opinions of him until you actually know him. It's like talking about an interpretation of a book without actually reading it. You look like a Goddamn asshole. He's been here for a quarter and a half and most of ya'll have only seen him a few times and read his blog. There's a lot more to him than ya'll think. So quit, it, please?
7. Nothing is simple. There is no simple solution to anything. We all must work through making everything better, together. Divisions will only make us weak.
8. Fucking talk to me if you have an issue or want something cleared up. Don't sit there and ponder over thoughts you're unsure of. It's just a bad idea.

Well, that's all I'm saying for now. Don't feel like more at the moment.

Also: I'm not mad at anyone. Last night was just such a damn fail for all kinds of stupid reasons.

ALSO ALSO: Kendal, thank you for taking care of Ryan on Friday. He ultra-appreciated it, and I do too. <3

I Miss...

The urge to write about how much I'm fucking crazy about someone.

It's not there right now. ._.

I dunno how I feel about anything. Bleeeeh.

Single

also entitled: Sexy and She Knows It, or: Smart and She Knows It.

hehe!

SO, BLOGGER, HOW YOU BEEN DOIN', BABY?

I posted on Tumblr like a week ago that I wasn't okay with confessing my heart on the internet. I still dunno how I feel about it anymore, BUT:

I need to speak. I need to write Goddamnit!

I also need to let some people know what the hell is going ooooon~

'Kay, so;

Ryan and I are not dating anymore. We have broken up.

We're still friends. And we're still having a hard time getting through the break-up, but as friends, we can support each other. While that does make it a little harder to deal with, too, I've seen how we function in a relationship, and I made the decision that we don't function as well as I need us to for both of us to stay healthy. Therefore, we are no longer together.
This doesn't mean that I hate him. In fact, I gotta say, I'm really proud of him for handling this as he is right now. He's trying to be strong, so we can be friends. I hope he can keep this up - Ryan is def a person that I do not want to lose. Yeah, he's a goofball, but that only prevents us from being in a romantic relationship. It doesn't prevent us from being friends nor does it prevent us from loving one another. I tell people I love them all the time - because there's all different kinds of love, and any kind of love felt should be expressed. I 100% still love Ryan. We're just not dating anymore. This decision also does not rule out a future for Ryan and I - it just rules out a future in the present time. (If that makes sense.)
Either way: that's what happened between me and Ryan. I'm obviously getting to be more and more okay with this, considering I'm solidifying my feelings in writing.

I want to address another "mystery" of happenings surrounding me: Jocab Victario.

So, um, one of the reasons why I fell so rapidly out of love with Ryan is because I started to fall for Jacob. He has grown so much, and it's not like he's an unattractive dude, so like, why would I not fall for the person who pretty much understands me better than my mother? The issue is here, though, that I don't know if I fell for Jacob for comfort only. I need crazy passion in a relationship. I'll tell ya right now -- sex is important to me -- and I dunno if he and I can connect on that level as well as I'd like to. It's weird. But that's all I want to say on this. Talking about sexuality makes me blush! I'm unsure of my feelings for him -- unsure meaning I'm not 100%, y'know? Shit is sketchy.

The one thing I am sure of is right now, I don't want to make plans for the "future." I want to live my life right now. I want to meet new people, have new experiences, and do new things (not hard drugs <.

SO: now I'll explain the other titles.

Sexy and She Knows It: lately, I've had a huge surge of self-confidence. I gotta tell ya - me running around in just a bra and cardigan is not a normal Darlene thing. That is a confident and hot as fuck Darlene thing. I'm super down with this. My life has been a whole lot more pleasant since I decided I don't look like a disfigured human being. I'm not afraid of my body anymore - I just fear the power it has over other human beings, 'cause oh baby, I like to abuse me some power. Hahahahahah XD

Smart and She Knows It: So now that I'm more or less okay with my physical appearance, I've become super self-conscious about my intelligence. At dinner the other night, for example, a few of the boys (Can you guess who?) made me feel like I didn't belong in college because I was too stupid to be here. Luckily, I am aware that people do think I'm smart, and just needed to call upon the Facebook Gods to remedy my rather depressed mood. And guess what? I think I'm smart, too. Why? 'Cause I am Goddamnit. I'm smart enough to realize that life isn't about what TV shows you watch, what music you listen to, what books you read, nor any other creation of humanity that humans can use to judge others by. Life is about enjoying it. Guess what? I like Legally Blonde. I will always like Legally Blonde. I will never disown that movie, because it was a part of me growing up as an individual. Whenever I see that film, I think of the bliss I enjoyed when I was a young girl. There's nothing fucking wrong with that, y'hear, world? There is nothing wrong with being happy. And even if I enjoyed Legally Blonde for complete asinine reasons, does that really matter? Newp. Not really. All that matters is that I had a good time. Now -- I'm not saying that having a good time takes precedence over everything in life. Self-discipline is super fucking important. But when all of the day's work is done -- shouldn't you have the right to sit down and do whatever the hell you want without some jackass judging you or calling you stupid for it? Yeah, you, jackass: fuck you. Please accuse me of being naive when your statement is the utter propagation of naivety, so I can enjoy a nice chuckle. Unless you just think the point of life is to be miserable. In that case, I just pity you, you sad, sad soul.

Either way: I'm a smarticle (a smart particle!).

Also: I'm booksmart. I love my major, and have a massive passion for studying literature. Just because I have extra work to do because I didn't receive all the culture I should have as a kid doesn't make me stupid. It just makes me an underdog. And you know what else it makes me? Awesome. Because I'm going to succeed without all of the other shit other people had. AND I'm probably going to do better than them. So fuck you again, you jackass trying to bring me down, f-u-c-k  y-o-u. Laugh at me if you please, darlin', but when you're holed up in your room wallowing in your own self misery and pity, I'll be holed up in mine writing a fantastic book report, listening to bad pop and enjoying every fucking minute of it.

Don't hate me because you can't enjoy life like I can. Learn to enjoy life your own way, dumbass. Jealously is one of the worst -- and arguably most unproductive -- emotions, so why don't you just toss it out the window? It's worthless.

Erg and Steve went out with Casey! What! He's a butt.
(Note here: he could've gone out with anyone and still been a butt.)

UGH.

Word vomit is best vomit.

I Feel so Miserable Right Now...

._.

Stresssssssssss
Emotioooooons
Tired
Bleh.

I Don't Think

I want to be in a relationship with anybody right now.

Breaking Up

...is really, really, really hard.

:(

I Don't Know

...if  was ready to give up on him.
I miss him so bad.
What is wrong with me, and what is going through my head?

I can't stop crying. Everything, everything reminds me of him.

I love you so much, Ryan. I'm so sorry.

Yes, It Happened.

No, I don't want to talk about it.

Everything is Going to Be Okay.

We will be strong, and we will carry on.

Life is not too much for us to handle.

There is time to think.
There is time to reflect.
There is time to make a change.

Do not be afraid. It is possible.

Darlene McCoy
Karen Barad
FMST 80K
6 June 2011
The Supernova's Entanglement with Philosophy, Physics, and the World
    The lights in the sky have fascinated human kind ever since they had the capability to tilt their heads up toward the heavens and see them. They were once believed to be messages of the Gods by early priests, who then declared that their interpretations of the stars were divine. Since then, the stars have always been recorded, and among those recordings lay an enormous flux in luminosity from one area in the night sky. This gigantic flux in luminosity, recorded by Chinese astronomers in 185 CE, is the first supernovae on record. A supernova is the final event in a star's life: it is a massive explosion that reduces the star to a mere fraction of its original mass in a few seconds. A supernova releases an enormous amount of radiation, even as much as the sun is expected to over its entire life, at 10% the speed of light. The radiation drives a shock wave through the surrounding space, and the shock wave sweeps up the expanding gas and dust from the star, then leaves it behind as a supernova remnant.  The explosion is so bright that it can possibly outshine an entire galaxy, thus making mankind wonder as to why one section of their sky is incredibly bright for some amount of months. Through they wondered, it took almost 2,000 years for the term "Supernovae" to be coined by Fritz Zwicky. How is it that this image of a star exploding materialized in the human mind? How did history, science, people, and the world have to intra-act for supernovae to exist as they do today?
    Astronomy began with the Gods, and it took some time for human thought to disassociate the stars with them. The common masses believed that the Earth was the center of the universe, as they were taught by the Bible. They also believed that the universe was centered around the Earth due to the work of Claudius Ptolemaeus, an astronomer from Egypt, who published the treatise Almgest, which explained the universe as celestial bodies revolving around Earth, which remained at rest in the center of the universe. This geocentric model of the universe was not called into question until the Renaissance, when Nicolas Copernicus looked to the skies himself, and challenged all that people thought they knew about the world and its workings. He published his ground-breaking book, On the Revolutions of the Celestial Spheres shortly before he died due to either fear of religious persecution or the philosophical or scientific rejection of his idea of a heliocentric model of the universe. In his book, Copernicus appeals to the Pope, and tries to explain why he would question the teachings of the Bible:
Occasioned by this [the disagreements] I also began to think of the motion of the earth, and although the idea seemed absurd, still as others before me had been permitted to assume certain circles [the epicycles and loops] in order to explain the motions of the stars, I believed it would readily be permitted me to try whether on the assumption of some motion of the earth better explanations of the revolutions of the heavenly spheres might be found. . . . When the motions of the other planets are referred to circulation of the earth and are computer for the revolution of each star, not only do the phenomena necessarily follow thereform, but the order and magnitude of the stars and all their orbs and the heavens itself are so connected that in no part can everything be transposed without confusion to the rest and to the whole universe. (Motz, Llyod, Weaver, 63)
    Nicolas' intra-actions with prior knowledge allowed him to build new knowledge, and bring about a new way of thinking about the universe. Though he did not have physical objects to deem as apparatus at the time, Copernicus had his mind to make agential cuts -- he included some of the work of his predecessors, but not all of it. He chose to exclude prior knowledge to create new knowledge. The cost to make new knowledge was the work of his predecessors that did not continue to be regarded as fact after his work was published. Copernicus' work also cost him peace of mind, for he was far too afraid to publish his work until he thought it was definitive and true.
    Copernicus' work was taken up by Tycho Brahe, who attempted to create a model to appease science and religion. He did not readily accept Copernicus' model, so he created a model of the universe with the Earth at the center of the universe, with the Sun revolving around it, and the planets revolving around the Sun. Tycho was also one of the first men to observe a supernova. He noticed an incredibly luminous star in the sky in 1572 and watched as it eventually returned to the brightness of the other stars. Tycho was indeed brilliant, but because he rejected Copernicus' heliocentric model, he could not progress scientific knowledge as far as his mind would allow. Instead, his assistant, Johannes Kepler, became the man to be revered for his progress in figuring out the workings of the world.    
    Kepler, in looking over Brahe's work and doing some of his own, discovered that the planetary obit of Mars was off by about eight minutes of arc. After some computations, he deemed that Mars' orbit was off by eight minutes not due to an error in observation made by Brahe, but because the orbits of the planets are elliptical, not circular. This discovery, also known as Kepler's first law of planetary motion, broke through scientific thought at the time and did away with the idea of the planets having circular orbits. He also discovered that there had to be some force in the universe propelling the planets to move as they were, which lead to the most famous light-bulb moment of all time. (Motz, Llyod, Weaver 69-89).
    That light-bulb moment would be none other than the moment an apple fell on Isaac Newton's head. Newton formed his theory of gravity from this minor incident, and then changed the scientific world forever. Newton might not have formed his theory of gravity if Kepler did not propose the idea of some force holding the universe together, but because he did, gravity is a force that no man in the scientific world would willingly question today. The intra-action of their knowledge allowed Newton to be in the right place and mindset to have the breakthrough that he did. Furthermore, that breakthrough solidified more questionable science from the past, meaning Kepler's laws of planetary motion, and helped materialize man's conception of the universe and its workings.
    Without Isaac Newton's theory of gravity and the creation of calculus by his hand, more modern scientists would have never gotten the chance to think about how to contend with Newton's strict determinism. They would not have even had the apparatus, calculus, to make cuts that determined the new scientific laws each man set forth. If Einstein did not have the correct tools to formulate his Theory of Relativity, he might not have at all, but because he was blessed with the earlier intra-actions of the history of physics and astronomy, he was able to cut out from the knowledge formulating in his head the speed of light, which is quite the necessary component in measuring supernovae.
    In 1803, Thomas Young performed a two slit experiment that changed the way people thought about physics forever (Barad 98). He found that if diffracted one way, a particle would behave as a wave, and if diffracted in another way, it would behave as a particle. Because of this experiment, other scientists began to study light diffraction more in depth, and discovered how to create lasers, and how to record light visible and invisible to the human eye. Light diffraction is fundamental in understanding how supernovae are measured.
    The key way astronomers measure supernovae in the present time is through technology known as optical interferometry. Supernovae are not local phenomenon -- they are light years away -- and so the naked human eye cannot hope to measure one. Technology today, even, has just barley gotten to the point where stars outside of the Milky Way Galaxy can be measured using telescopes. Optical interferometry works much as Young's diffraction experiment did -- there are just some additional steps in order to ensure accuracy. On each side of the apparatus, a telescope collects light from whichever source is the current subject of interest. The light is then propagated by mirrors into an area where it is combined into a beam. The beam is further propagated by mirrors into what is called a delay line, which accommodates for the Earth's rotation. Then, the light is sent to a beam-splitter, and depending on the phase relationship of the waves, differing amounts of energy will be transmitted or reflected at the site of the beam splitting. Then, single-pixel detectors can measure the energy on both sides (Monnier 810-816). From those recordings, computers can generate images of supernovae, and scientists can use the energy measurements to determine an array of characteristics of the star of which the energy came from. Thus, because humans have a visual stimulant and scientific data proving a supernova's existence, the idea of a supernova materializes in the human mind as an object. Yet, it seems now that the word object seems like such a funny way to describe a supernova. The intra-actions of the world and its inhabitants in a certain way at certain times that allowed the supernova to materialize in the human mind are not so common as to simply label them as things that just exist. Supernovae only exist due to the material-discursive pratices that brought about the technology to cut them from their apparatuses into something that has meaning and matters.  How could they simply be describes as objects, then? Is it not phenomenal that the world worked in a certain way to create a concept in the human mind?
    What if all objects in the world were thought of as phenomena? How would a different epistemological look on the world change it? Supernovae were also only brought into the human mind by the practices that were not included in their development. By looking at the past and conceptualization of supernovae, the entirety of the history of physics becomes incredibly entangled. But for those physics to take place, other science, other ideas, other people, had to be excluded. Science is generally seen as wholly objective, but even in sciences that do not directly affect different types of people, purely physical sciences, there are ideas that are excluded, there are ideas that have been lost, and not all of them have been in the name of science alone, for which human can truly say that he is entirely objective in his work? What has that exclusion cost the world?

What Will Hopefully Be A Good Post~

Naked. Always naked. That's how I like to be.

I told Aaron Franklin that the other day.

I think he thinks I'm a little strange.

Whatevs!

I'm writing nice things, amusing things, 'cause I kind of sort of feel depressed as shit right now. XD

COOL DUDE.

Not really. Not at all.

Today. I woke up at 2:30 PM.

I spent most of the night with Jacob. Was up until the light of dawn.

(For your information, dear reader, nothing happened.)

I've done that... like... three times this week.

Should have done that... zero times.

Stupid stupid stupid. Not doing any good for anyone.

I let him be close to me. I've gotta have better self control. I've got to... stop giving in to how lonely I am.

I'm... just so sorry.

I've been really sorry, all day.

People always say how I push others away. And I'm well aware that I do. I just don't know how to keep people close to me anymore. I get scared. Hurt. I hurt easily... way more easily than I'd ever like to admit to myself or anyone else... but y'know!

This is what blogs are for.

Sadness. Ranting. Archiving it so I can look at my thoughts later and think, "Good lord, I'm so glad I'm not in that mindset anymore."

This blog has also been... one of the few places where I can think, uncensored.

Well, mostly uncensored. I have too many readers who have feelings to not be censored at all.

(I've already failed to meet my blog's original purpose. Oh well.)

I don't know. I don't know. I'm just so sorry.

Sorry for the drama, the pain, the stupid confusions I've caused this year...

See, I've always had this issue with self-esteem. If you've ever read this blog before, you know that. It's quite obvious.

But I've not doubted who I am... in quite some time.

Maybe I'm a problem. Maybe I'm too selfish. Too ambitious. Too uncaring and headstrong... never giving myself a break is what I do best. I'm also happiest when I'm busy. Idle hands are depression's playground. Ew. Cliche as fuck, but twisty cliche!

Stupid stupid stupid.

Why am I so stupid? Argh. So dumb. Can't see so many things. Always want what I can't have, what I can't reach.
I always want what I can't have because I believe in the impossible. Stupid. Stupid fucking dreamer, dude.

I spent the entire day in bed today. Watched anime until 8:30. Then I watched Mean Girls. Then I took a shower. Now I'm here, moping about on the internet. I feel pathetic. Not the kind of cute lazy pathetic that I perform, but really, really, pathetic.

There's too many lies going on in my head right now. I'm trying to convince myself of too many things.

Too many injured frendships that I will prolly just let slide, 'cause I don't have the mental capacity to deal with the anxiety that comes along with wanting to resolve things...

I'm scared of myself. And the person I've become. I've changed. I'm not the girl I was a few years ago. Not at all.

And for the first time in a long time, I don't know if I am okay with the person I am.

Er, going back to the self-esteem issues.

Have never thought I was pretty.
Have always thought I'm pretty fucking awesome.

I've always blamed my personality insecurities on my physical appearance.

Ex: I'm utterly convinced my acne comes from how stressed I am.
I'm stressed because I have massive anxiety issues.
I'm not exactly sure where my massive anxiety issues came from... but I'm gonna guess it prolly has something to do with not having the ability to trust people as much as I'd like....

Er, uh, I don't know.

Can we call this post soul-searching? I feel like I'm looking for something. A certain thought.

Or maybe I keep typing, because I know what that thought is, but am still too afraid to put it into written words. Y'know, the only language I speak/understand clearly?

Yeah, uh, I'ma be typing for a while longer if that's the case. Hah. XD

'CAUSE I DUNNNNOOO, BROOOO.

Oh! Wait!

Back to me hating my appearance:

I was talking to Ryan, once, and he told me:

"Darlene, people don't like you not because of what you look like, but because you're just too much for them. You're kinda crazy, y'know?"

At least, those words seem more of my own, but that's what I got out of it.

That was also right after he told me he didn't consider me to be one of his best friends...

So maybe I took it wrong? Maybe I was a little hurt... Hm...

Either way -- if I interpreted what he said correctly or no -- it got me to thinkin'.

Darlene, you're too crazy.

What makes me too crazy? Too much to handle? I don't understand. I was gonna say is it because I'm too honest with myself, and the rest of the world, but, yeah, that's funny... I'm totally not honest with myself, nor the world. Don't think I ever have been. Sure, I don't tell lies. I don't do things maliciously. That's just not me. But like... avoiding white elephants, pushing issues out of my mind, isn't that even worse? Isn't lying to yourself the worst thing you can do..?

FUCKING HELL I DON'T EVEN KNOOOOOOOOOOW.

And I keep wondering about Rubino.

Why me?
Whywhywhy...

I know he'd not really like me to say anything -- but, like, I really kind of need to/want to.

The want creates the need. I'm awful at bottling my feelings up, y'see?

Ug I just want to ask him so bad... why did that night happen? What the fuck?

My brain is so confused.

Erm. Hrm. That's not what this is about.

But maybe it is. Maybe this post is just about everything, ever, too.

Ugh... so many things on my mind.

Spring cleaning... so much clutter and junk in this head 'o mine...

Mmmmm... Tanner... so much to say about him...

But, as I feel right now, at this very moment, all I can think is, "Dear lord, I miss him."

It's been hard accepting that I'm not special to him anymore. Really hard. I actually thought I'd always have a special relationship with him. Dumb dumb dummmmb~

Tanner only cares about girls who don't make him uncomfortable. Who don't point out his flaws... who don't yell at him across the dinner table...

I understand why he doesn't care anymore. And it hurts, because both of us are far too stubborn to concede our view to be close again.

I'm always gonna think he talks down to me.
He's always gonna think otherwise.

I just... wish we could be friends again. But I can never, ever, pretend that there's not things that bother me about him again...

I will forever stick by my own thoughts -- until they're proven wrong... and I actually believe they're wrong. My greatest ally is myself.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here. I'm just really sad.

Oh. I do want to say that you were right about Smolich, Jacob.
One-hundred-complete-freakin'-percent-correct.

Yay, that's off my chest!

I don't know what else to talk about right now. I'm getting tired...

Can't wait to get back to SC tomorrow. I'm so sad about Alec, though.

Love the kid to death. Breaks my heart...

~.~

Maybe I feel a little better, maybe?

Uggghhh...

I was really upset when I wrote that last post... also very... rant-y.

I got to find out more things later in the day yesterday... didn't get to post about them until now...

What I was originally told 'bout happenings downtown was totally skewed, and because it was skewed, it upset me a lot... I am a victim of bullshit as well... ugggggggghh

Either way... my brain... it hurts... I am tired...

Imma just leave it at:

I'm sorry. I love you all. :/

In Regards to Linus, Tyler, and being a "Drama-Infested Middle Schooler."

Dear anyone who gives a fuck:

I am extremely offended that people 1) created sides 2) took sides 3) threw insults. Ya'll realize that if you had told him to shut up, I'd not be pissed off and writing this now, yeah? I'm not going to sit here and insult anyone, though. I'm just going to explain why I, and some others (the fucks given now are 0) are upset.

While this piece involves Linus and Tyler, this is more of a defense of all the people who have a legitimate reason to be mad, and their right to not be insulted for feeling that way.

I feel like the biggest problem with this issue is the source of information was quite faulty, and a misunderstanding of the situation, on either side, would lead to a split on opinions. It has a few grey areas that can be twisted to promote either side...

To be frank: I didn't give a fuck at first. It was none of my damn business. I'm involved in this as a mediator because one friend wronged another, and I'd like one to feel better, and the other to learn and grow from this experience. I also wanted to make it possible to resolve this issue, because man oh man, the giant shitstorm it could cause would be one for the ages. Some resolution came about yesterday, but the situation is still complicated because I personally don't feel like all the facts have been brought to the table. Also: if I were not there, yesterday, to run as emissary between the two, set up a conversation, and mediate said conversation, Linus would have not really given Freshman a chance. Sometimes, it's good to have a middle person involved to resolve a conflict. Sometimes, shit really isn't your business, but you can help, and there's not a damn thing wrong with wanting to help other human beings. Linus and Freshman were both very appreciative of all I have done in this situation.

Because I was called a Middle Schooler, I now personally give a fuck, and while it is quite juvenile and not of my nature to respond to such a stupid accusation, I've been feeling quite rant-prone and am going to do so anyway... fucking tired of having mad shit talked about me, being aware of it, and doing nothing to stop it, 'cause I want to keep my friendships strong. But thinking about it: in the end, if I've got friends who speak so poorly of me behind my back, what do I have? Nothing. And I'm not okay with that. I want real friends who will treat me with the same kindness and respect I strive to treat them with. (Not saying I'm perfect, but fuck you if you don't think I genuinely try to be a good person.)

{End short tangent.}

{Back to the subject matter.}

I'll tell you right now, the other people up here give even less fucks. We're not upset that Tyler got with a girl - in fact, we're more than happy, he might be on track to get a life of his own - but the way in which he went about his actions was utterly disrespectful to Linus, and that's not okay.

Now, to explain why we're upset:

Earlier that day, before the party, we'd all been having lunch together, and Freshman brought up that he had invited Cassandra (which, was sketchy on its own, it wasn't his place to do so). He explicitly stated that, "I am not going to touch her for 2 months out of respect for Linus." He did exactly the opposite. Sure, he didn't go into the party with foul intentions, but he did not act the way he intended. This is a character flaw, the kid says one thing, and does another. It doesn't matter that he was drunk. When has that ever been a valid excuse for anything other than vomiting or falling over? So, why shouldn't we be upset that he deceived, even though there was no malicious intent, us (specifically, the people at lunch that day), and more importantly, Linus?

The other reason why people are upset is Linus had no closure. On their last date, Casandra told him that she was not ready for a relationship, and that she might be very interested later. While I'm aware this basically means "No, I'm not interested," in girl-speak, Linus himself did not understand it as such, thus he had no closure. He believed that there was still a strong chance for a relationship. If the situation was simply, they dated, and now they're not, Freshman would be totally in the right, but that's now how the cookie crumbled. His actions show a complete disrespect toward and disregard of Linus and his feelings. And now, I know ya'll don't give two fucks about Linus, but if it were say, Asher and Liz, I feel like this would be more of a big deal. Just because the situation involves Linus, it doesn't make it okay.

I'm going to use different people in an example here... to show my point...

Say when uh, Tanner and I broke up, Tanner obviously still had a lot of feelings for me... (Tanner you can debate this if you want, I'm just using this as an example, ok?) And if uh, let's say, Cameron  were to totally disregard his feelings, and attempt to woo me (weird...), especially with the understanding that Tanner was still very emotionally involved with me, wouldn't you guys consider that a dick move? And furthermore, Tanner and I had officially "broken up," and there was no longer a chance for a relationship to develop... but I feel like Cameron would still be considered to have done something "wrong" to Tanner. Why isn't it the same for Linus? Because he's kind of a dick?

To elaborate further on Freshman's lack of respect: a person who was sober has told me that Freshman uttered, almost word for word, "Linus deserves it, because he's such a dick to me all the time." While understandable, because Linus isn't really the easiest of fellows to get along with, the reasoning here is not only immature, but completely disrespectful, and furthermore, said maliciously. AKA: not okay. It also demonstrates that Freshman was aware that his actions would hurt Linus. Why? Because he was aware that Linus was still involved with her... still attached...

His defense to the above is:
"I thought Linus was reacting much in the same way any guy would around someone he dated. I thought he was upset because that's what guys do. They get upset when they see someone they were once involved with with another person. They get pissy."

A grey area. It's Freshman's word that you have to either take or leave here.

More reason: most of us up here believe that Freshman was aware that Linus was still very attached to Cassandra. His defense is that he simply "forgot" a one-on-one conversation between himself and Linus regarding her specifically. Freshman recalled that, during that conversation, he said, "No, I do not like her, I just want to hang out with her." (Probably phrased less simply, and with less words, but meh.) His recognition of what he said is enough evidence for me that he did in fact remember said conversation, and conveniently "forgot" that the conversation took place when he was confronted about it. If he could have at the very least approached Linus and told him that he changed his mind, Linus, at that point, could be upset, 'cause competition sucks, but he could not be upset at Tyler for being up-front and honest with him. And I believe that he wouldn't be.

Another defense of Freshman's is that, "Linus doesn't talk to me, so how could I know he was interested in her?" I'm pretty sure the kid lives at my place, and hell, even Alec, our socially awkward I don't give a fuck champion, knew that Linus was crazy about her. My reaction is just simply: really? He had a whole fucking conversation with Linus about this matter... I cannot seriously believe that he can be that dumb. The logic does not work in my mind.

Another grey area: his word versus logical reasoning. 

I'd also like to take the time to point out that he went straight to the downtown house after the incident. While I did tell him to stay away from my place for a while, to let Linus calm himself, I see Freshman going to the downtown house as a demonstration of his guilt... while I am aware that Ryan initially gave him a hi-five for his "victory" the night before, and that is what started conversation, Freshman told me that his intention in going to the downtown house was, "I just wanted to make sure they weren't all pissed at me." What he did, in addition to that, was tell his story so that what happens seems like no big deal, in order to make himself feel better, because the kid isn't stupid, and he's well aware that he dun goofed. And with a situation that can be swayed to either side, well, it's quite understandable that one could perceive someone being upset about it as acting childish, or being a "Drama-Infested Middle Schooler," to quote.

To further my argument: I'm also going to point out that this is not the first instance in which Tyler has been all over a girl who he should have not been. I'm not going to go into the details, but the fact that this has happened twice now is even more reason to be upset. He's not learning.

Either way, please don't call me a drama-infested middle schooler again. I really don't like it, nor does anyone else here (though we did have a good chuckle!) I personally do not get mad at anyone unless I've got a legitimate reason to be, and I believe that the utter lack of respect for Linus is plenty reason for me to be upset. His lack of respect for Linus tells me that, in the future, he is quite capable of disrespecting others. This is not okay. My friends, people who aren't my friends, and random ass human beings all deserve respect.

I'd also like to point out that, while I just wrote a almost quite literally essay on this matter, people are not nearly as pissed off as I make it out to be, save Linus. I have a way in writing that comes off as very intense, because I'm extremely meticulous in my arguments, and I just want to make sure that all who read this post know that I'm not sitting here, as if I were a cauldron of fucked up potato soup, boiling over like a crazed loon. Additionally, it is very hard to convey human emotion in the written word, (at least compared to speech) so I've written this paragraph to soften any hard edges of this statement.

But honestly, in the end, all I want to say is: I feel like if we, as an entire group, could talk things out, and come to a singular conclusion rather than have each side spread rumors, insult one another (I'm not saying On Campus people are innocent, by any means, so you know) and jumble information, drama would not be that big of a deal. But it's going to take all of us acting like the adults we tell ourselves we are to do something like that. And sadly, with our history, I don't see it happening anytime soon.

Thanks for readin' & toodles!

Edited once at about 10:00 AM, after Lit.

"Beatiful People" on Tumblr - Thoughts

Many a person on Tumblr spams my dashboard with many a photo of a "Beautiful person" and while I'd agree that the photos they post of people are quite nice, and quite attractive, for some reason, they bother me. They gnaw at my brain. They make me uncomfortable. And this morning, I finally figured out why.

These "beautiful people" are simply photos. That's it. Nothing about who they are, what they do, their interests, their talents, their dreams...

Is the girl pictured about beautiful because her hair's red? Because she's wearing thigh high socks? Because her face is very pretty and well made-up? Is she pretty because she's the idea of "different"? Why, of all the pictures of people, did you post this one? By posting this picture, what are you saying about yourself? Are you wishing you could look like her? Are you wishing you were different, like her? What are you trying to promote? What are you saying about her?

You know how to be different? Be yourself. Everyone is unique and special -- don't let idiotic conceptions of beauty destroy who you are. I'm blonde, with blue eyes, white as fuck, and I know I'm different. I look totally fuckin' normal, not special in any way, and yet, I'm beautiful. (Fuck yeah Lady Gaga, anyone? Born This Way premiered today! XD) Sure my face is scarred from the years of acne I've endured, but fuck man, does that really matter? I freak the fuck out about my face because I feel ugly, due to society that we live in. Scars aren't pretty, therefore I'm not pretty. Fucking bullshit. This world is God damned stupid. Haha. If the world saw more in people than the way they look, I'd of never felt awful about myself for the last... what, 7 years? I don't get a chance to show people who I am, because I'm so damn worried they won't even communicate with me because I'm simply too ugly. I don't have to wear weird clothes or dye my hair crazy colors to know I'm different, sure, I can understand the reasoning behind "Man, my hair looks fucking cool with a purple streak in it," but ugghhh... rage rage rage... I really, really, hate people's idea of beauty, and people who post on Tumblr just promote the shit out of the idea. Soooooo disturbing to me...

One can run around promoting how different they are, or they can just be different. 

One can run around promoting how much of a nice guy he is, or he can just be a nice guy.

Actions people, actions. They speak so much more.

How can someone be considered beautiful if they're just an image? Just a photo? What if the person in said picture is posing to make a few extra bucks to fund her crack addiction as her baby daddy struggles to feed the newborn she's too fucked up to take care of? Is she still beautiful? I'm sorry, but I beg to differ... looks aren't everything, people.

Also: photoshop. lol.

Furthermore, there's no stories behind these pictures. They're shallow. One-dimensional. And they promote a very crude and limited sense of beauty. Being beautiful is so much more than nice tits and an ass... ARRRGGGHHH

Now, when I get drunk, one of the most common things I utter is, "Look at all the beautiful people." And most people would say because I'm drunk, the phrase means a whole lot less. I once again, beg to differ. I feel like I'm most honest when my walls are down, and alcohol breaks 'em down real fast...

Anyway, I'ma point out somethin' real quick like:
I usually say "Look at all the beautiful people" around my closest friends, the ones I truly know are beautiful - while we're dancing, chillin' around a hookah, playin' Apples to Apples, having awesome drunk moments, or simply watching a Giants game. Then again, I believe that there's at least one thing about a person that makes them beautiful... so... euh. It's not uncommon for me to say something of the sort on say, a dance floor. Oh but I can explain that! Dancing is something that is very personal, even if it's just flailing... people can express themselves through dance, and that's why a bunch of dancing people is beautiful! They're expressing something of themselves to everyone else, and how can anyone scoff at that? How can that not be beautiful? Dance, especially drunk dancing, is a very raw form of human expression... a unique expression of one's self... Yeah! (I sometimes say "Look at all the beautiful people!" to make KendalKorn giggle, too, 'cause for some reason she's super amused by it... :]) 

Anyway! I didn't say it once this last party -- because I didn't freakin' know anyone there. (Also: not drunk? Dunno if I said it [in the context I'm writing of] at the party before this, but uh... yeah, here's a loop in my argument!) XD Party was weird as fuck, I got creeped on, and I got to spend maybe a fraction of my time there with my actual friends, because they were too busy freakin' the fuck out about the random ass people who showed up who ended up getting pretty sick... ugh... worries + booze = not happy.

I also have a "Beautiful Man Wall" here in my room, which I'd think most people would consider a flag for "Hey, you don't give a fuck about beauty!" Why do I think they're beautiful? I've watched every single person on my wall. Most are from movies, or Matt Bellamy... I've got an image of them, and their personalities in my mind. They're not just a body... not just an image of what I consider "attractive." While I'm kind of aware that Johnny Depp is kind of an asshole, the roles he plays (the Mad Hatter, Captain Jack) are what I associate his personality with, so y'know, it's a little off, but yeah... I think my point has been made...

Shit man I don't even know... I gotta go eat breakfast...

I'm just glad I figured out why these pictures bother me. They're attractive (these chicks are def hot, I'm not arguing against what they look like at all!), not beautiful. Beauty is so much more than a picture on Tumblr. Stupid materialistic world... stupid stupid stupid... rageragerage

I feel like I can write about Derrida now. Hello, thinking mood.

SO HUNGRRRRYYY XDD

The Amount of Stupid, It Is So Intense.

HOLY GOD LAST NIGHT. WOW.

I can't even believe myself. I'm so embarrassed. I know it wasn't good. I know Jacob's kind of dying. Oh man, oh man, oh man. I feel so bad... texted Riley like a crazy mother fucker, man oh man. Didn't mean to do that. Stupid drunk girl. I must be so annoying.. ugh... Ryan is def not pleased with me... but hopefully he won't be too, like, annoyed at me... I really hope so... argggggggh. So... everything worrying my brain... gotta apologize to Riley; my stupidity gets the best of me sometimes, wits are sometimes lost. Fucking vodka. Hmmm. Whatever. Whatever whatever whatever. What can I do, what can I say? It's a new day... ~.~

blahblahblah, I feel like shit, blahblahblah, fuck everything...

...there's also a random cut on my foot, wtf?

Feelings and Shit?

WHAAAAAAAAAAATT.

Where did these come from? I thought these kinda didn't exist and stuff.

Man oh man, wtf is going on, brain?

*ahem*

Maybe I want him to be attached.

Actually, I'm not gonna lie, I want him to be attached right now.

Let's see where this goes, shall we? Maybe? Ug... dunno, bro.

I just... woke up one day and thought, "You know, I'm really happy around him..."
& then I thought about it more -- and couldn't find an instance in my memory when I was unhappy just being around him. There were only those times that were... extremely emotion-provoked, y'know? The human part. Otherwise, I just... I just can't find a time when I was really unhappy.

I laid next to him on the couch last night, watchin' a movie with Ana, and his arms... as I figured they would, found themselves around me... usually my reaction is something along the lines of whoooaaa, wtf, but this one time I just let them stay there... was weird... it was weird because I didn't feel weird. I just felt comfortable and safe... weeeeeeirrrrd. Hahaha

I've also pondered a lot on our friendship. Been friends for about 5 years now. TONS of ups and downs... so many... so intense, each one. I just... each time I come back after not talking to him for a few months, we pick up where we left off -- really good friendville. The only reason we ever quarrel is because he's been crazy about me forever... and that's hard to deal with, 'n stuff.

So, I think, this break, imma give him a chance. Finally. The boy deserves it. And right now, I genuinely want to... and I dunno if I've ever felt this way about him before. It's really strange, indeed.

Just a feeling, just a chance, just maybe, a little romance. :)

OOOHHHHH PS: YAY FOR LOGAN AND CORRRRY! Took 'em long enough. I am genuinely happy and not crazy-girl upset at all. I mean c'mon, I feel like everyone's known for quite some time now, anyway, right? I had plenty of time to get over myself. UNLEASH THE LIGHTNING! bwahahahahah :D

Feelings, they are so intense. UGGGGHHH.

The Weekend of the Captain!

I've sure been doin' a lot of these recap thinggers lately... prolly 'cause I've got time on the weekends to blog blog blog 'til my daddy takes my computer away~ ♪♪

Man, that's silly. Duurrrrrr hurrrr hurrrr ...

So, wtf am I goin' to talk about today? I guess I should start with Friday, don't think anything huge and/or significant happened during the week.

Friday was cool: Rocky Horror. My friend Stephanie was Janet, and she was adorable. So awesome. I danced on stage with Ana and Cory, and it totally made my night! Besides, my legs looked awesome in those heels. Ohhh baby. :]

Ladies!

That night basically consisted of Cpt. Morgan, Rocky, order pizza, pass out. It was good, it was chill. No depressed Darlene, ftw.

THE NEXT DAY! Saturday!

I got up and dressed around noon. Left my place around 1:45. Went to a house on Ocean street for a house show. Stayed until like, 6 something. Silly Creature was awesome, as usual, Time Machine was... pretty good? And Zeyphr's band was a FUNK band and it impressed me quite a bit! So cool! Voto was also there for a while makin'... beats? Or something... dunno... with a pedal board. Neat neat neat!

After that, Pranov and I went to Taco Bell. We feasted. Crunchwraps, hooo!
Wes was also with us. Is it bad that I'm basically totally sketched out by him? Hah...
THEN we went to the Pacific Cookie Company to see Max (Pranov's friend) annnnnnnnnnd we got some cookies. I had a chocolate covered snickerdoodle.

Friends are good, right? I think so.

We went to the downtown house for a bit afterward. I think Pranov was in the bathroom or something, because Wes and I were chillin' in the front room by our lonesomes for a while. Sort of weird, but whatever. We decided to roll out to Church House early to try and avoid the storm getting any worse. Dunno if it was a good call or not... heh

We ended up at Church House at like 7:40. 'Bout 20 mins early, but there were people there already anyway. No biggie. We just attempted to dry off and hung out for a bit. Church House has stadium seating now and it's awesome!

Riley showed up next. The boys had some beer, they were content. A little wet, but content~ ♪♪

Then Cory, Freshman, Logan, and Tanner showed up. I was joined on the couch for a bit, but then people were like "HOMYGOD BEER PONG GOOOOOO!" Annnd I ended up warmin' the couch by myself for a while. Was nice. Relaxing. I was super tired from the like... 4 hours of music earlier, anyway.

I finally got up to go watch some pong. I was interested in their rules... comapin' 'em to our Rancho rules. We play hardcore pong in the 'Cho. Intense shit, y'know?

I feel like Rory would have been proud. Hah.

Anyway, during that, I heard there was more rum. Cpt. Morgan again. Mmmm. I had myself a shot. A tasty tasty shot... and then made myself some rum and coke. Def my favorite drink... :)

Downed that pretty quick, then had another shot. 'Twas my alcohol intake for the night... because the rum disappeared quickly...

Phrase of the night.

Oh then Voto showed up... and I was like heeeeeeeeey~!

I feel like I def drunk hit on him. A lot. S'ok. Liquid courage goooooooo!

But, at the end of the night, I managed to ask him if he'd like to spend some time together sometime, and he gave me a rather excited yes. Pretty sweet, dude!

BUT I got no number... lolfail... Tanner def got it... DERRRRP.

I also dunno if he was so excited 'cause he was drunk, too. Merp. Self-doubt, hooo!

So, the bands that played were pretty good. Six in one day. Was like a festival. In my backyard. SO COOL. (I ♥ SC!)

I can't remember the third band's name, but of course, our loves, Under a Western Sky played, and another new (?) band named In the Airplane played as well. Was a good show. Under a Western Sky created a mosh pit, as usual. Was a rather intense one. I was sitting off to the side (with Voto, btw, GLEEEEEEEEEE) and I got hit in the mouth, and then someone knocked my glasses off and one of the nose pieces def scratched my face a bit. Ooow. OH well. If I had actually been in that pit, I prolly would have died. Was fun watching my friends go, though!

Freshman said he got like, 4 concussions. I dunno man. I dunno.

Blaaargg. So the music ended around 11, and everyone was intoxicated enough already so we decided to roll back onto campus. Was prolly a good call.

The bus was stupid full when we got on, the bus driver was hella legit and let WAY more of us than he should have (by bus company type thing regulations)... it was awesome.

I didn't have anything to hold on to, so I kind of kept falling over. Sorry, Riley & Tanner. XD

When we went past the UCSC guard thing, all of us in the front ducked. It was so funny.

The bus also died twice. Succcccccccch an awesome bus ride! Yahooo! :]

Yep. Anyway. Made it back to Porter. Drank another shot (forgot about that one!), went to my room, hung out for a bit. Tanner ordered a shit load of pizza... blah blah blah watched some YouTube videos...

I think I almost cried again. Def almost went into depressed drunk Darlene mode again. Meh.

Whenever I feel bad, though, the guys always tell me, "it could be worse, you could have a dick."

I dunno how that's supposed to make me feel better. At all.

And I kept saying, "I hate my life" last night... I do, sort of. Lately I've been really, really down. Can't find a relationship... I miss them so much... don't have that special person to just bond with, don't have that person to just love me for who I am. It's so hard to live without that when I know how good it is, and when I lived with it for so long. ARRGGHH.

(There was a point in the night where I was looking at your name in my phone, considering things...)

I'm well aware that people are worse off than me. Shit dude, I always try my best to eat every once of food I take from the d-hall because I am so aware of things. I always try my best to appreciate things. I get pissed as fuck when people don't appreciate the things they have... I def say, "I hate my life" versus "My life is so terrible." I don't have to like my life, even if it's a rather okay one. Mother fuckin' Great Gatsby, anyone? Urg.

I don't know why I'm so particularly upset. Oh well~

This week is Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving break. I need it. Bad. Can't wait to see my family and friends in the 'Cho! I especially miss Cindy, my Mom, my broski-bro, and Matty. Always miss Matty. Oh and Chris and Brittainy, too! Always, I want to be with them! HAH!

Man, this post reeks of retarded-ness sometimes. Oh well.

Overall, was a pretty good weekend. Now I gotta read shit fo' class, and shower, and eat, and get on with my life!

There's tomorrow to worry about: gotta edit my paper, finish my readings, and... y'know... get ready to go home. :)

I'm gonna be rollin' out on Weds. Weds afternoon, headin' home on the 17.

I'm excited. Gonna make so many friendship bracelets.

Oh and dude, Freshman gave me an iPod (!!!) so I can listen to music on the way home! ♥

Such a good Freshman.

Such good musics.

Annnnnnnnnd in celebration of our liquor of choice!:

Bloooooog

So many things I need to post.

So little time to think. So little time to type.

So little will to do anything. Ugh.

(Except read. I like to read.)

I feel like I'm dying.

In other news: I'm becoming more and more like a writer!

Drinkin' my sorrows away, look at me go!

Fuck yeah for Faulkner. He's my writing hero.

Many, many great writers were also sort of alcoholics! YEAAAAH!

(I'm not really gonna become an alcoholic, btw, just sayin'.)

It was really nice seeing Kendal tonight. And Pranov earlier, too. I miss downtown people.

The Office reminds me of home. Of orchestra. I miss it.

Had a really weird dream this morning, too.

Me, my Mom, and Logan were there. We were all watching this amazing beautiful holy God mind blowingly awesome symphony in this really elaborate, fancy ass concert hall. There was a lot of gold, like, plating stuff? And the curtains were fashionably red. Really picture-esque and beautiful. Reminds me of the very opening of Moulin Rouge! Anyway, I don't remember much, but, something had happened, and like, my Mom just sort of disappeared. Then I got really, really sad... incredibly, incredibly depressed, and Logan was the only one there, it's just he was just super distant and it was really weird - like, he was trying to comfort me, but it was all bad, didn't work. I woke up pretty depressed. Hah. Good times. ~.~

Anyway, weird shit. Don't really want to think about it. Errrg.

Don't like my dreams. Unless I'm dreaming of squirrels.

I like squirrels.

BLAAAAAAAARG.

Sometimes!

I feel like I'm on top of the world...

and others,

I feel like I'm falling off the top of the world...

Deep shit, yo.